Kyon! Do Everything!
by Anime Borat
Summary: Originally a oneshot. Now a series of insane events. I know the grammar sucks in the first chapter but I've made improvements on the others.
1. Kyon! Do Everything!

**Kyon, Do Everything**

The Haruhi Suzumiya series is owned by Nagaru Tanigawa and Kyoto Animation. No copyright violation intended. Half-baked cracked that went beyond the joke to say the least. Based on the meme created from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

An Anime Borat budget production. Please watch and support the Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya series by **FullmetalChao**.

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Haruhi says, "Kyon, do incredibly illogical like looking for ghost." And Simon 'Ghost' Riley pops out from nowhere.

Sgt. Foley says, "Kyon! Take your team and secure the Burger Town!"

George Bush says, "Kyon, we must stay the course."

Itsuki says, "Kyon, get me my pot. I'm in my Sailor Pothead moment."

Borat says,"Kyon, use my sister! She is No. 4 prostitute of Kazhakstan."

Kyon replies, "Fuck off, weirdo!"

An environmentalist says, "Kyon, save the rain forest."

Mel Gibson says, "Kyon! You can take my life, but you can never take my FREEDOM!"

Jason Bournes says, "Kyon, who am I?"

The Terminator says, "Kyon, come with me if you want to live."

Gandalf the Gay, uh, I mean, the Grey says, "Kyon! You shall not pass!"

Legolas says, "Kyon, they're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

Nappa says, "Kyon, what does the scouter say of Haruhi's power level?"

Kyon replies, "It's over 9000!"

Dirty Harry says, "Kyon, you've got to ask yourself a question. Do I feel lucky? Well, _do ya_, _punk_?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "Kyon! Put that cookie down!"

Sgt. Reznov says, "Comrade Kyon! Fire the Panzerscrek!"

Leonardo DiCaprio says, "Kyon! I'm king of the world!" Kyon then pushes him off the bow of the ship.

Rambo says, "Kyon, I'm your worst nightmare."

An angry Russian says, "Kyon, _Yob tvoyu Maht_(Fuck your mother)!" He flips the bird at his face.

Naked Snake says, "Kyon! Destroy the Shagohod with your canned tuna!"

Fanboy says, "Kyon! I love you!"

Yaoi fangirl says, "Kyon, can you do a video of you and Itsuki together?"

Kyon replies, "Ewww! Gross!"

Tomás de Torquemada says, "Kyon! Burn those heretical witches from Umineko at the stake!"

Otacon says, "Kyon? Kyon! KYOOOOONNNN!"

Darth Vader says, "Kyon, I am your father."

He replies, "NOOOOO!"

Louise says, "Kyon, pills here!"

Mr. Burns says, "Kyon, where is my aspirin!"

Captain Price says,"Kyon! Check your corners!"

Ash Ketcham says, "Kyon, go catch 'em all!"

Protoss Zealot says, "Kyon, you must construct additional pylons."

Kyle Broflovski says, "Kyon, you bastard!"

The Undertaker says, "Kyon...You will, Rest...In...Peace..."

US Army Ranger says, "Kyon, hustle up! Get to Whiskey Hotel! Move!"

Roy Campbell says, "Kyon! You created a time paradox by killing Haruhi in Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody."

Eli Vance says, "Kyon! We don't go to Ravenholm!"

Illidan Stormrage says, "Kyon! You are not prepared!"

Red Army Commissar says, "Kyon! Not one step backward!"

Captain Vidal says, "Kyon, tell my son when I die..."

Schwarzenneger again says, "Kyon! Get to da choppa!"

Reznov again says, "Kyon, boil them in their steel coffins!"

Black Mesa scientist says, "They're waiting for you, Kyon, in the Test Chamber."

Gman says, "Rise...and shine, Mr. Kyon. Rise and smell the ashes."

Admiral Ackbar says, "Kyon, it's a trap!"

Kyon goes home and goes to bed tired. He is hoping tomorrow would be a normal day.

Next day….

"Kyon, take me to Disneyworld."

"Kyon, investigate 9.11"

"Kyon, mow my lawn."

"Kyon, make me a sandwich."

"Kyon, do a barrel roll."

"Kyon, cook me instant noodles."

"Kyon, find Waldo."

"Kyon! Reload my gun for me!"

"Kyon, defuse this nuke with your pencil."

"Kyon, find a cure for AIDS."

"Kyon, go have sex with Haruhi or she destroys the world."

"Kyon, find the second shooter at the grassy knoll."

"Kyon, would you be my boyfriend?"

"Kyon let me copy your homework."

"Kyon, retrieve the Cube from Megatron!"

"Kyon, help me win in The Day of Sagittarius III."

"Kyon, destroy Superman."

"Kyon, go kill the computer club president with this pancake."

"Kyon, eat me."

"Kyon, stop the Red Ribbon Army with this toothpick."

"KYON, THIS IS SPARTA!"

"Kyon, help fix the US economy."

"Kyon, scratch my butt."

"Kyon, tazer that emo."

"Kyon, jump off the top of the Petronas Towers-without a parachute."

"Kyon, launch a nuke on Pandora and kill those smurf monkeys."

"Kyon, make me a curry."

"Kyon, make holes in my smoked cheese."

"Kyon, can't touch this."

"Kyon, Gestapo torture Satoko with your tactical knife."

"Kyon, do the dishes."

"Kyon, cos rape Mikuru."

"Kyon, cure the Higurashi cast of the Hinamizawa syndrome-with your crowbar."

"Kyon, tackle attack!"

"Kyon, drink some milk."

"Kyon, go to bed early."

"Kyon, climb Mt. Everest."

"Kyon, where do babies come from?"

"Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Kyon! Kyon!"

"Kyon, would you kindly lose your mind?" Said a soft and sweet female voice. He eyes popped open lifeless with a wicked smile on his face.

The day after that…

The club room of the SOS Brigade was silent and empty except for Achakura who was seating pretty on the top most bookshelf, eagerly awaiting Kyon's arrival, while Churuya was making a fondue with smoked cheese. The day was dark and overcast. Everything is silent too since it was three minutes past dismissal time. The door opens and in came Haruhi, Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru. Everyone is seated at the table. Everyone waits for Kyon. A half hour has passed and he still hasn't appeared. Haruhi is clearly pouting in frustration, Yuki is reading a philosophy book, Itsuki is being Itsuki, and Mikuru is getting frightened thinking about what happened to Kyon. Finally, Itsuki said, "Hey everyone. Let's get some snacks while we wait for Kyon." They ignored Tsuruya, who was absorbed with her fondue.

"Fine," Haruhi sighed.

"It's great," Mikuru chimed.

"I want a sandwich." Yuki said lifelessly.

"We might have a good chance of finding Kyon at the canteen."

"Alright, off to the canteen. Let's find him and give him a piece of my mind. Thinking he could go AWOL while we're have an important meeting…" She grumbled as she walked out with the brigade. She turned to Achakura, "Achakura, stay here if Kyon gets back."

"I will wait for Kyon-kun." She replied. When they got back they notice the door wide open.

"Thank God, Kyon's here! He's so gonna get his ass kicked!"

As they entered the room they noticed the black board is scrawled with a repetitive message:

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY  
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY  
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

And thirty more are written in all over the blackboard. They pushed it away and the wall behind was redecorated with the same scary slogan. Everyone is now scared about what happened to Kyon. Haruhi manages to stammer a question, "Is…Kyon…alright?"

On the bookshelf, a scared Achakura replied, "Kyon-kun acted scary today." Then there was horrofying laughter. They rushed downstairs and were astounded by what they saw. Kyon appeared at the end of the darkened hallway. He is carrying what appeared to be a Lancer Assault Rifle in his hand and heaving a lot of ammo on his webbing gear.

"HEIL HARUHI! I'M OSCAR MIKE" Screamed the cynic as he locked and load. He began goose stepping down the hallway. Haruhi asked shakily, fear growing with every step he took, "Hi Kyon! Doing a cosplay, right,?" But no answer came from the strutting cynic. Everyone ran for back to the clubroom screaming-except Itsuki.

The girls went back to the clubroom and began barricading the door. Haruhi notices someones missing, "Where's Itsuki?"

As she said that the echoing conversation between the two boys took pace.

_"Kyon_,_ You must stop this madness at once!"_ Proclaimed Itsuki.

_"I feel pretty, Oh so pretty,__ I feel pretty and witty and bright."_ Kyon sang madly.

_"Okay, you asked for it! POT PRISM POWE-!" _Kyon replied with several burst of automatic fire_._ There was a thud; spent casings clattered on the floor and he began singning madly the Russian marching song from Red Alert 3. Haruhi screamed, "OH MY GOD, WE'RE SCREWED!"

"Do not worry, Miss Suzumiya. I will take of care the situation." Yuki said mysteriously.

"YOU WHAT-?" Haruhi shrieked.

"Don't do it, Miss Nagato! Kyon's gone insane!" Mikuru squealed in her high-pitched voice. But Yuki made for the door and got out. She rushed downstairs to Kyon. She walked to him like a cowboy coming to the baddie at high noon. Any students who were around fled to the nearest hiding place they can find.

"Kyon, cease and desist your illogical grudge against Haruhi Suzumiya." She said in her lifeless electronic sounding voice.

"I don't think I can take anymore of her and everybody else's orders! I'm on a killing spree!" Kyon ranted happily.

"Do not make me do this." She warned.

"Ha! You and one army!" Kyon taunted. He might as well eat those words. A song, _Undying- Scene 4 _plays at the background. Yuki roared as her arms and legs instantly lengthened to insane proportions. Sounds of stretching muscles, of her school uniform tearing to shreds, and what sounded like trees growing instantly filled the air as her body twisted and contorted. She grow into a tall, gaunt and skeletal form with the skin stretching and darkening. Her head expanded into into a elongated cylindrical shape. A a long, spiky and spiny barbed tail emerged from her ass. Her feet and hands popped as they grew into claws and talons. Her figure had dwarfed and shadowed a terrified cynic as he realized of what she had become: the alien from _Aliens_. He now felt puny as she looked at Yuki in her true form.

Gathering whatever courage he could muster he aimed the rifle, "EAT LEAD, E.T.!" he screamed. But she grabbed the rifle and crushed it with her claws like a soda can. His heart sank hard at the sound of crushing and sprinkling metal. He smiles nervously and attempts to be reasonable."Um, Yuki. Maybe I was a little off so can we just talked about it-"

"_**EEEYYYYAAAAARGGGGHHHH!**_" Yuki gutturally screeched at Kyon with a breath that smelled like Rotten Tomatoes mixed with vodka, uneaten burritos and garbage and spraying his face with icky smelly saliva. He screamed like a girl and fell on his butt. The alien was about to slash him when something step in front of her. It was Kuyou Suou in her true form: the Predator.

"Oh boy!" Kunikida shouted with joy, "_Alien vs. Predator_ for real!"

"Whoa! This is gonna be the best school fight we've ever seen!" Sang Taniguchi, dropping his _Playboy_ magazine.

"Let's run a betting pool! This will be megas fun, nyoro!" Tsuruya suggested. The green-haired fanged girl and the two boys assembled a table and every student lined up to place their bets on which alien would win in this deathmatch of the millenia. Kyon crawled out of way with the only thing left of the Lancer, the chainsaw bayonet, as Yuki and Kuyou slashed, stabbed, blasted, and punched. He got behind them and went on his way. Mikuru, who was watching, from the stairs, ran back to the club room in terror. As she ran, she heard a blood-curdling yell, "Mikuru! I'm coming! You can't get away! I'm right behind you!" Kyon is running as he revved up the chainsaw in his hand. The moe time-traveller/slave maid/dress-up doll screamed even more as she rushed back inside the club room.

"Open the clubroom door, Haruhi! Say 'hello' to my little friend!" He hollered as he raised the chainsaw. Meanwhile, one of the members of the Computer Research Society ran back to his club room to tell what he saw. "Hey everyone! Kyon's coming to kill Haruhi!"

"What! Is it true?" Asked the prseident.

"Hell yeah!" Replied the guy."

"Which means...!" Cheered another

"LET'S PARTY!" Everyone shouted in unison. Champagne corks popped and everyone started dancing to the tune of the Jewish folk song _Hava Nagila_. Just as she returned, Mikuru closed the door frantically and panted heavily. "Kyon's coming!" She shreiked. Achakura squeaked and hid in a box with Mr. Kimidori.

"Quick! Barricade the door!" Haruhi yelled as they put whatever they can find to blocked it. Then came what they had feared. The chainsaw droned even louder as the cynic laughed insanely. He began in demented nonchalance to saw it apart. He was humming the Sailor Moon theme, thinking about how much gore and pleasure he is going to exact from the tsundere goddess and anyone who decides to be a hero. Inside the girls were panicking at their inevitable fate.

"OH MY GOD! WE'RE DOOMED! KYON'S GONNA KILL US!"

Mikuru is shuddering at corner thinking. Haruhi noticed this and shouted frantically, "MIKURU! FIND A WAY TO STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS US ALL!" Almost by instinct, she straightened her back and grabbed the ears of her bunny girl costume. She quickly jammed it into the chain. Meanwhile, Kyon, who was enjoying humming the Sailor Moon theme and the chainsaw vibrating through his hands, was horribly interrupted by the screeching noise of the machine. He pulled it out and it rumbled until it exploded in his hand. He screamed like retard. Mikuru was overjoyed, "Yay! We stopped him!"

"Shut up, Mikuru!"

"What, Miss Suzumiya?" She timidly asked.

"I said shut up and help us find a way to escape-!" Then came loud crashing sound from the door. Kyon is chipping it away with an axe. The girls screamed and huddled to together. He furiously chopped the door until he made a hole big enough for to poke his head in. He did and looked around with a menacing smile, "HEEEEEERE'S KYON-KUN!" One of the barricades, the bookshelf, fell on his head. He pulled his head out and cried in pain. The cynic was about to hop around in frustration when the rest of the Anti-SOS Brigade appeared: Sasaki, Fujiwara, Kyouko Tachibana. Sasaki said to Kyon, "Please calm down, my prince."

At those words Kyon cooled. "Oh sorry, Sasaki. I really want to kill that bitch so badly."

"It's okay. You don't have to rush everything. Let Fuji-kun do it, then you can kill Haruhi." She pointed to Fujiwara, holding a breaching charge.

The cynic cheered, "I'll do it for you, my goddess!" Inside Haruhi was fuming when she heard the whole thing. Just as Fujiwara was flattening the explosive like a pizza, Haruhi burst out the door like a raging bull sending it flying and hitting timeboy flat against the wall. She stared at her counterpart with red hot eyes. "KYON'S MINE YOU WHORE!" Achakura popped out from her box and said, "Don't you dare touch my Kyon-kun." But she was never heard by everyone.

"You never treated him with the dignity he deserves! He's not your slave!" Sasaki blurted.

"I can do with whatever I want with him now fuck off!" She pulled the startled and dumbfounded cynic's arm and dragged him.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Sasaki shrieked as she grabbed his other arm. Now the two girls are chanting "Let go!" as they have a vicious tug seesaw/tug of war game with the poor boy. Meanwhile, Kyouko went inside to claim her prize: Mikuru. She looks at the girl with hungry eyes, "Hey baby, I'm here for you." She said in a low voice with a creepy smile.

"Back off, you sicko!" Mikuru squeaked as huddled in a corner of the room. She flung the fondue pot at her. Kyouko instantly sidestepped out of the way. Fujiwara, who pushed the door away, was hit on the head with hot molten cheese dumped on his skull. He screamed like hell and wandered blindly into the room.

"Nyoro~n." Churuya dejectedly said. She was oblivious to everything up until now. As for Kyouko, she was close to having her looks scorched by a flying fondue, she exclaimed with relief, "Great Scott! That was close!" She looks at Mikuru and sneered, "You'll have to do better than that."

Mikuru grabbed a teapot with hot steaming tea. She flung it at her with great speed but missed her again. She, however, scored a direct hit on Fujiwara-on the crotch.

"OH MY GOD! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!" He wailed as his testicles where cooked by the hot green liquid. He fell in pain as he landed with his legs wide open. Mikuru rushed out and landed a kick into it.

"AAARRGH! MY CAJONES!" He screamed once more, covering it with his hands and curling into a ball. Unfortunately, Kyouko pulled her back in. As he parted some of it from his eyes, he saw Churuya jumped on him like a headcrab. His muffled shrieks filled the air as he tried to pry the clinging chibi off his face. Churuya said after licking his forehead clean, "Mmmmm, you taste good!"

"GET OUT OUTTA MY FACE, YOU FREAK!" He replied as he crashed and tumbled, breaking everything in the clubroom. He wildly pounded her head against the floor but Churuya kept on licking and eating the cheese sauce. Outside Achakura tried to join in the grabbing game with Kyon and the girls. She attempted to grab one of Haruhi's ankles, "Let go of my Kyon-kun-" She got kicked in the mouth by the very ankle she tried to grab. She was sent flying through air, screaming. The ballistic chibi hit Kyouko in the back of her head as she was just about to triumph over Mikuru. They both flew out of the window and into the ground screaming and leaving a stunned moe behind.

Downstairs the alien fight was rivaling WWE, UFC, TNA and boxing in excitement. Yuki was thrown through the canteen wall and landed on the floor, sliding across it and breaking the tables and chairs. Kouyo walked in towards the alien. She said to her in a raspy voice, "**_Do...not...interfere**.**.. Sasaki_will_mate...with...Kyon_**"

"**You fool, you will destroy the world!**" Yuki roared angrily. She then grabs a chair and flings it at her but Kouyo effortlessly knocks it away with her fist.

"**She_is_the_one. There_could_on...ly_be_one**." She replied creepily and electronically. Then she continues and, for the benefit of the readers, spoke properly," **O****ne goddess to rule us all, one goddess to find us, One goddess to bring us all and in the bishiness bind us. Everything that has a beginning has an end. I see-**" But Yuki had enough listening to this LOTR and Matrix hack wannabe so she used a combo of Tajiri's Green mist and the horned lizard's blood squirt. She first spits into the lens in her helmet blinding her. The predator was standing stunned in disbelief. Then she wiped it away with mini-windshield wipers. Suddenly, a spray of blood from the alien's 'eyes', splashing her helmet and armor.

"WARNING! WARNING! CORROSIVE MATERIAL DETECTED! STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY COMPROMISED!" Bleered her sensors as Kuyou panicked at her predicament. She yelled, thinking the acid had got to her, running around like a headless chicken. She stumbled into the kitchen where a pot of hot leftovered soup tipped over and spalshed her, neutralizing the acid's effect. She took the pot out of her head and took off her mask. She surveyed her corroded armor and mask. Her faced got red hot with anger.

"**THIS IS MY FAVORITE SUIT, YOU BITCH**!" Hollered Koyou in a proper-pronounced sentnce for the first time on her own. She charged at Yuki with a headbutt, crashing into her stomach. She bend over in pain and Kuyou grabbed her neck and did a back suplex. The alien landed hard on the floor. The predator was about to stomp her face when Yuki rolled away. She instantly jump to the walls and climb like a spider up to the ceiling. "**Trying to get away, huh!**" Kuoyu yelled. She let loose her plasma caster.

"**Make my day!**" She grinned evilly and it fires gold-colored bolts. Yuki dodged as she crawled all over the ceiling, leaving holes. Kuyou is laughing insanely when her plasma caster malfunctioned. The shoulder-fired weapon stiffened and sputtered like it had a seizure. Suddenly, it spun around like Regan McNeil's head, shooting everywhere.

"SHIT! RUN!" Emiri Kimidori shouted as everyone dove for cover. Okabe came and said, "What is the meaning of this!" She got her answer instantly from a plasma bolt which turned her into a pile of ashes. Thinking quickly, Yuki rushed towards her and gave her an uppercut. She grabbed the plasma caster and wrench it off. She gave her a Chuck Norris-style roundouse kick. She flew into the wall and dented. Everyone was silenced for a while. Then they cheered in uproariously. Everyone cheered for their favorite alien. Yuki grabbed Kuyou's neck and did a DDT. Meanwhile...

"His mine! Let go!" exclaimed Haruhi she pulled Kyon.

"Kyon deserves to be with someone whose kind and warm so LET HIM GO!" Sasaki shouted, pulling the cynic back. As the girls shouted and pulled the poor boy, who really made a good substitute for a tug-of-war rope, when suddenly a strobe flash blurred by them. The girls were swept away and landed on their butts. They stood up and exclaimed in unison, "WHERE'S KYON?"

Kyon found himself flying in the air but what nearly gave him a heart attack was the one causing it: Itsuki. The esper smiled like a cat and said, "Greetings, My Kyon!"

Kyon stammered, "I-I-ITSUKI! How are you still alive! I just gutted you with my rifle!"

"I can never die, Kyon. Haruhi just created a closed space and I was revived by it's power. And now, I can have you all to myself!"

"WHAT IN THE HELL?"

"That's right, Kyon. You were always in my mind every night since I first laid eyes on you. I felt the touch of your hand when I showed you the closed space. I always had you in my thoughts. And..." They passed by a suprised student.

"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME?"

"Shoot. You spoiled the moment but yes! I'm in love with you! Our hearts are meant to one, Kyon! We are destined for each other!" Itsuki proclaimed. Kyon screamed his head off as they flew to through the top floor and out the the door leading the roof. They flew into the air together like Rin Tosaka and Archer from _Fate/Stay_. Itsuki proclaimed again, "You and me against the world! We will never be apart! Once we breach this closed space, we will live our lives together in blissful union!" Kyon screamed some more as the gay esper ramped up his speed to hyper drive. They exploded into a flash of light and pierced the wall of the closed space. Itsuki slowed down and the two landed on some nonedescript building. He landed with a shreiking Kyon in his arms.

Itsuki said, "Finally! We are free! Free to..." He stopped as he looked at his surroundings. His jaw dropped in suprise as he realized that he was standing on the school, "Why the hell are we still here!"

A short laugh came from behind him. Sasaki said to the esper, "It's my closed space. You see, Itsuki, unlike Haruhi's closed space where it covers a certain area, mine envelopes the entire world and you couldn't escape from it. Not without Kyouko here." She pointed to his counterpart, who looks pissed off from being hit on the head by Ashakura. Then comes Fujiwara, face burned by fondue sauce, also pissed about how his balls were squashed and tea-scalded, and how Churuya further disfigured him. Although he doesn't look disfigured now, thanks to Kyouko's abilies.

"Let us go!" Itsuki making his romantic hero pose. Kyons jumps out of his arms.

"We will let you go. If you give us Kyon." Kyouko said. She looks at him with dagger eyes.

"Never! I'll never give up Kyon for anything! Right my-" Kyon instantly ran away for the opening. The Anti-SOS Brigade gives chase. Kyouko turns to Itsuki and smiles nastily, "Nice speech, moron!" She then flips the bird at his face.

Meanwhile, at the Computer Research Society's clubroom, the clubbies stopped partying to recieve an important video conference. They gather around a computer with a webcam.

"Are you sure that you have eliminated Haruhi Suzumiya?", asked Bin Laden from the screen.

"We don't know yet for sure but we took care of everything. We just told Sasaki and Friends that Kyon-kun is tired of Haruhi and that he wants to take his revenge on her. We spiced it up by telling them that he dreams of Sasaki everyday and wanting her to be his goddess", the president answered with satisfaction, "and they'll do the rest. We'll give you her head in no time."

"Ahh good, now I can air my latest video without that bitch stealing my screentime. Haruhi Suzumiya keeps on blocking my attempts to tell those infidels about there sins for oppressing and corrupting Muslim lands. Now I can threaten them once again. And thanks for the computers. They've been helping my war effort a lot."

"That's nothing. We gave them freely from the goodness of our hearts. Good luck in your jihad, my friend. I propose a toast," The pres holds up a tall-stemmed glass, "to a beginning of a beautiful freindship."

"Ah, I'll get the tea," suggested the terrorist. He calls his servant Akbar to bring the tea set. The guy moves out and reappears with a tray. He pours hot steaming tea from an ornate silver pot into a small glass and hands to Bin Laden. "Thank you, Akbar," he thanks his servant. The man disappears with reverence.

Bin Laden held up the glass, "To a beautiful freindship. Salaam."

Everyone in the room held up glasses and replied ,"Salaam." They drank to their toasts. As they did, the Al-Qaeda leader adds, "Anyway, please don't play that infernal Jewish folk song. It gives me nightmares when I sleep. Why not those songs you teens like these days like Ke$a or Lady Gaga?"

"Okay," the pres replied, "We'll think about it. Any suggestions?"

"Oh yeah, I think I know good party track-" Just as he was about to say what's next, a lot of shouting came from the floor below them.

_"I'll shikebab you with my spear, Yuki!"_ Kuyou ranted gutturaly.

_"I'll shoved my tail up your ass before you do, bitch!"_ Yuki replied. Everyone in the club shuddered in fear. Osama asked, "What's that commotion?" Then several shouts came up...

_"BITCH!"_

_"BIATCH!"_ The terrorist leader looks at the students who are dumbfounded by the noise. Osama looked at and said, "Hello...is anyone in there?"

**CRUNNNNCHHHH!**

The floor erupted from below. Out from the hole came Yuki and Kuyou clawing each other. Chairs, tables, computers, bits of of wood and concrete, and students were sent flying all over the place.

"AAAAARGGGGHHHH!" Bin Laden screamed as the monitor traveled out the window. The clubbies huddled and hugged each other in fear, screaming like little girls as the two aliens faced off. Yuki did a chokeslam. Koyou crashed to floor with satisfyingly loud _crunch!_ She grabs an air guitar from nowhere and smashes it on her face. Then she stalks to look for anything to smash on her. The predator quickly took advantage of this and rolled away to grab the nearest computer set. Yuki returned and is greeted by a flying computer monitor. It crashes into her head and she falls on her back. Kuyou then does a falling powerbomb, lifting the dazed alien on her shoulders, falling forward on the floor and smashing Yuki's face on the floor. The boys run out as the aliens do their pro wrestling brawl in the room. As for Kyon...

He ran downstairs looking for refuge. He tried to break into a room when he saw a frighteningly familiar sight: Ryoko Asakura. He shrieked, "WHAT! YOU'RE ALIVE?"

"Oh yes, my sweet Kyon-kun. I'm pretty much alive."

"BUT YUKI DELETED YOU! I SAW YOU DISAPPEAR!"

"I have backup program that revived me." She replied sweetly. "Noticed my midget form?" He then realized the blue-haired chibi Achakura was actually Ryoko. Oh no! And he didn't thought his day would get any worst. He tried to run but the door of the room he tried to break in to open all of a sudden and he get sucked in. Ryoko happily joined in and the door closed behind her. Then, with her alien powers, all the furniture in the room heaped on the door barricading it. Now in the manner found in all creepy situations, Kyon is trapped with a revived killer in a dark room with no way out.

Then she continued, "Now you and me are alone..." _Alone to kill me,_ he thought. Then a spark of inspiration hit him. _Alone to kill me! That's great! It's my ticket outta here! Screw Haruhi and the world if my death causes it to end, at least I'll die first!_ His face broke into a happy-faced smile and bowed down to her kissing her shoes, "Thank you, Ryoko! You're a life saver!" He stood up. "Now kill me now so I don't have Haruhi or Itsuki or anyone else on my back! Stab me, shoot me, I don't care!"

"What are you talking about, Kyon? I don't want to stab you." She said in a shrill cheery voice. She places her hands behind her back demurely. "I want you to stab _me_!" Kyon had a look of confusion, "What in the world are talking..." He then realized what she was talking about, "OH MY GOD! WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO MOLEST ME?"

"C'mon, _Kyon-kun_," she cooed. "It'll be fun." Kyon thought he would get out. Now he was going to be violated by this crazy blue-haired tsundere, who now seems to want to...play. Ryoko Asakura stared at the flipped-out cynic. Then broked the silence, "Hey Kyon-kun. Let's get it on." Just as she said that, the pile of furniture covering to the wall exploded into a fireball. It sent pieces of debris flying into the room, smoldering bits of chair, desk, door and wall. It sent Ryoko screaming and soaring through the window and blasted Kyon to floor. He coughed as he stood up and when the smoke cleared he saw Itsuki floating in mid-air.

He shouted, "Kyon! Come with me if you want to live!" Kyon screamed once again and took a piece of rope from nowhere, climb out the window and fast roped himself down to the school courtyard. He dashed for anywhere to escaped despite the fact he's in a closed spaced. Itsuki floated by, "Kyon, wait for me! We're in this together!"

"Go away-!" He was cut off when Yuki and Kuyou thrust into the air and came tumbling down together. They crashed hard on the ground as they fought each other like drunks on crack at a midnight ball. They trashed each other with their awesome moves rip-offed from pro wrestling. Kuyou grabbed a steel chair and tried to strike at Yuki but missed and instead strucked Itsuki at th back of his head, sending him flying to a nearby wall. Yuki gave Kuyou an uppercut and two hooks left and right. The predator staggered to her feet. Then the punch on the face. Kuyou fell on her back. The alien walked to her with the predator's spear in hand and a grin on her face. Kuyou has to think fast before stabby Yuki impales her. She rolled her head right and saw a kumquat. Quickly, she grabbed it stealthily. Not to long the alien was standing before her, gloating, **"Any last words, biatch?**"

**"_Yeah_,"** she gripped the kumquat tightly, **"_EAT_ THIS, MOFO!"** She flinged it into the alien's mouth. It slammed right into her throat. The alien almost ckoked to death but she coughed it out and ate it, tearing it apart with her teeth, **"Is that the best you could do!"**

She raised the spear and aimed for her head when she was interrupted by Haruhi, "Hey Yuki! Are you all right?" Shouted the panting running brigade chief. Yuki turned and said excitedly, **"Miss Suzumiya! You're just in time to see me spear this bitch."**

"Not now, Yuki! I'm chased by one of Sasaki's bitches!" She pointed to Kyouko floating and lessening her distance. She is holding fireballs in both hands. The alien immediately switched her gaze to Kyouko, **"No problem, Miss Suzumiya! She'll be trophy on the school before..." **Yuki felt something in her body. Something...shaky. Before she knew it, Yuki started screamingly violently, running around like an idiot. She is allergic to kumquats. She repeatedly banged her head hard against the concrete surface of the courtyard, she scraped her tongue with a trash can lid, she spun around ballerina style, and drank a whole barrel of water and, in the process, slammed Kuyou with it. It didn't stop the pain and she started to itch uncontrollably. It was stopped when Fujiwara knocked her with pan on the head. The time guy was walking with Sasaki by her side. Then Yuki exploded.

"Oh Yuki!" Cried Haruhi. "What I'm I gonna do now! The SOS Brigade is all but ruined!"

"Don't fret, Haruhi," taunted Sasaki, "At least everything would be normal now and you don't boss around everyone in the school anymore."

"Why you little-!" But before Haruhi could lunged at her, Fujiwara pulled a Desert Eagle. She backed down. Sasaki congratulated Kuyou, "Thanks, Kuyou. You saved me the trouble of taking out the SOS Brigade's resident alien."

"**All_ in_ a day's_ work, Sasaki. We_ have... destroyed_ broke_ their... backs."** Kuyou replied proudly. Sasaki looked at Kyon. She approached him slowly and asked him. "Kyon, are you alright?"

Kyon slowly turned to her and answered wearily and with relief. "At last...the nightmare is over."

"Don't worry," she assured him, "Everything will be just fine."

"Oh no..." Moaned Haruhi. She slipped to the ground in despair. Tsuruya and the two boys rushed to them. She lifted Kuyou's hand in jubilation and held a microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen! We have a winner! _Kuyou Suou_!" She emphasized her name to everyone. The students cheered loudly. Except those who placed their bets on Yuki.

"I betted on Yuki." Someone lamented as he and several other betters went away with their tales behind their legs. Fujiwara cried with jubilation, "Wohoo! Let's party!" He fired his Desert Eagle widly into the air. Some of the shots hit Itsuki, who lifting a safe to drop on Kuyou. He dropped from the sky and fell on a groaning Yuki, who managed to stagger back up. The esper crashed on her head and they hit the ground unconsciuos again. The safe crashed to the ground a few feet from them.

"We should celebrate!" Sasaki happily urged. Kuyou got an idea. "**Ah, I_ have_a...party_track_player...in_my_suit.**" She turned to the console on her right arm. It looked like a mentally-scarred reject from Picasso's workshop due to Yuki's corrosive blood. The Anti Brigade noticed it. Sasaki cautioned, "Um...maybe we should just stick to Ipod."

"**No, it's still working**!" She hurriedly reassured her in perfectly prounced words. She started pressing some buttons. There were some sparks flying that made them rather uncomfortable. She finally said. "**Found it! Everyone, shift your gears to party time!**"

"HURRAY!" They all shouted. Kuyou pressed a button and came an electronic voice, "SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED. T-MINUS ONE MINUTE!" Kyon, weary and frightened, fainted.

"WHAT?" Everyone screamed. A beeping sound came to life and everyone instantly lost color.

Tsuruya shouted, "OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Churuya popped out and asked, "Is there anymore smoked cheese?"

Taniguchi shouted, oblivious of Churuya's squeaky presence, "RUN FOR YOU LIFE!" And many students started screaming and running like idiots. Mikuru heard everything and crammed herself in a bag like a cocoon.

The chibi wailed, "Nyoron~" Only Kunikida stood where he is.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?" Kyouko screeched.

"**I don't know! I'll try to fix** **it!**" She typed furiously, desperately searching for the function that cancels it. And in the process, she activated the window washer which splashed water on her face, the correct party mix button with flying confetti, a second shoulder gun which fired wildly at screaming students, the portable TV tuning in to the news, and many more.

"Faster, Kuyou! The clock's ticking!" Shouted Sasaki.

"**I'm trying!**" She worriedly replied. She did but it seemed every click only worsened. Meanwhile, Haruhi dragged an unconcious Kyon. She whispered to his ears, "You and me are gonna start a new SOS Brigade." She was half way through...

"HEY!" A voice raised. Sasaki caught the tsundere in the act. "KYON'S MINE!"

Haruhi replied, "Make me, bitch!" Sasaki gave chase, leaving Kyouko, Kuyou and Fujiwara alone and not mention knocked-out Yuki and Itsuki's corpse.

"**Damn user manual!**" The predator cursed.

"Whatever you're gonna do Kuyou, do it fast!" Fujiwara strained his voice. Kyouko decided to leave the two and said. "There's something I need to do before I die." They ignored her as they are too deep in their predicament to notice anything else. The seconds ticked as the pred sweated in desperation to kill the countdown. Then the seconds ran out and a beeps became rapid.

"Oh...shit." The trio sang as Kuyou blew up in a defeaning flash.

KAAAAAABBBBBBOOOOOMM!

The explosion vaporized Kuyou and destroyed Sasaki's closed space-not to mention levelling all of North High in the process. The place where the school once stood is now a flat crumbly piecrust of charred and smoking rubble. Seconds later people slowly emerged from the rubble in shock and disbelief. Including Kyon, Haruhi and Sasaki in their torn and shredded uniforms. The girls' uniforms slowly slipped away revealing their underwear, stained with soot but otherwise unharmed. Then they resumed their feud.

"Kyon's mine!" Haruhi cried grabbing one of his arms. Sasaki spat out as she wrapped hers around his other arm, "No! He's mine!" They started their tug of war again, pulling the cynic viciously.

"No! All my money's gone!" Tsuruya shouted in grief as burned yen bills flutter in the air like the leaves of autumn. She cried until Tanuguchi and Kunikida appeared behind her. The skirtchaser patted her shoulder, "Umm, Tsuruya. Wanna go for some shakes at the snack bar?" Tsuruya instantly stopped crying and went back to her happy demeanor, "Sure, nyoro." Then they all left. In background of the feuding girls, Kyouko had her prize.

"LOL. A tasty teenage loli-in-a-bag." She quipped as she carried the bag Mikuru hid inside. She padlocked the moe inside so she can't escape.

"_Help! Help me! Get me outta here!_" Mikuru's muffled yelps echoed inside to be heard by no one. Meanwhile, where the canteen used to be Churuya plundered the school's supply of cheese, now a melted hunk smoked by the explosion. She ate contentedly with Mr. Kimidori and Muu-chan.

THE END.

Author's note: Everything I wrote here is just plain wrong.


	2. When They Screw Now

**When They Screw Now  
**

**Call me sick but I'm writing this. Special kudos to Clive Barker(Hellraiser), Francis Ford Coppola(Apocalypse Now), Stanley Kubrick(Full Metal Jacket), Call of Duty: Black Ops(Treyarch) and the creators of South Park and The Wicker Man(1973). They rock. Watch Casey and Friends, Nyodude's Higurashi Parody Fandub(in******** theworldisugly1331**'s channel)**, and ********shadow6543's Higurashi Abridged.  
**

Special Guest, Frank Cotton of the Hellraiser series. Note the humor may not be that fast paced as before. A sequel and more idiotic rants and ravings.  
In Hinamizawa, the wind doesn't blow, it sucks!

* * *

The Watanagashi Festival, the largest and most awaited festival of rural village of Hinamizawa. At the third Sunday of June everyone comes to the festival to celebrate and gives thanks to the local deity, Oyashiro-sama. People from other places come to visit the festival including the odd tourist. One of these tourists is really odd. His name is Frank Cotton, a connoisseur of the most depraved and extreme pleasures and perversions known to man. He was never satisfied with what the world offered him for he already tasted, experimented and experienced all of it. Now he heard of the Watanagashi Festival from one of his 'friends', Mr. Slave, during yet another of their S&M sessions. Translated in English as the Cotton-Drifting Festival, it's actually known in the old days as the Intestine-Drifting Festival when people rip out some helpless little bastard's intestines. They later dumped him to the river to sleep with fishes. Not what he had in mind.

"Good evening, sir." Said a blue-eyed and brown-haired boy.

"Gyah!" Frank leaped to his feet. He didn't expect a handsome teenage boy to appear… from behind.

"Enjoying the festival?" Asked a green haired. He noticed she had one of the finest set of jugs he had ever seen in a teenager.

He replied "I certainly am."

"We don't have a lot of foreign tourists coming over here. You're quite lucky." Said the boy.

"And that's not all!" Added the girl, "You have to watch our shrine maiden, Rika Furude, perform the Watanagashi ritual!"

"Oh, when is it gonna start?"

"It's still five hours from now so how about we give you a tour around the village?" The boy offered. Frank decided whether to accept their offer or not. He answered, "Sure, why not. And by the way, what are your names?" At that, the two teens did something grand. A brilliant flash of light came before him and a studio style presentation appeared. Popping out like variety show hosts, they announced to Frank, "I'm Mion Sonozaki!" The girl came first.

"And I'm Keiichi Maebara!" The boy exclaimed. Then they spun around like ballerinas. "And we are the Games Club!" _TADA_! Frank was impressed.

"Games Club?"

"Yeah, it's basically what we do after school. We just play games and stuff." Said Mion.

The man decided to tell him who he is, "That was nice. I'm Frank Cotton by the way."

"Welcome to Hinamizawa, Mr. Cotton." Greeted Keiichi. "Let's show around before it starts."

So Frank was shown many places around the village, he was getting bored. _Man, this is boring than watching National Geographic_-_S and M edition_, he thought. They showed him various places of the village and . Frank was a little bored during the course of the tour. He wasn't here for the sights and sounds, or the history of this rural backwater hamlet or for the cheap, 'humane', knock-off of a historically gruesome celebration. He was here to have the greatest experience of his life. Inside his bag is harmless-looking puzzle box known as the Lament Configuration, made by some French guy named Philip Lemarchand, a maker of mechanical songbirds. The box, legend has it, is a gateway to untold pleasures to whoever solves it. The original owner gave it to him for free after doing some small 'favors' (Maybe not totally free after all). He came to Japan for two reasons. First, the guy told him he can solve it wherever he liked but for maximum effect, he must do it a place with a bloody history, a place where great death and carnage took place. There are many places in the world that fit the description such as Carthage, Missouri but what attracted to him here was the Hinamizawa's dark side, the ritualistic slaughter that took place centuries past. Second, this place was relatively obscure and no one here knows a fig about him here. He turned to Keiichi, "Mr. Maebara, where does it take place?"

The boy answered, "It takes place down at the shrine." Frank turned to Mion.

"Miss Sonozaki, you told me that instead of a live human, you people gather the old cotton from furniture and coats; then you stuff them inside a large…uh…sleeping mat?"

"A futon, Mr. Cotton," corrected Keiichi, "And a big one too."

"Oh, right, right." He stood corrected. "And finally, you present it to the shrine maiden where she gouges it with a huge hoe thing, right?"

"That's the highlight of the festival!" Exclaimed Mion. "Each person gets a ball of cotton and he or she sets it adrift on the river to absorb and 'drift away' the sins and sadness of the villagers. You wanna participate, Mr. Cotton."

Frank was silent for a few seconds. Then he replied, "I'll think about."

"Great, Mr. Cotton. Don't be late if you made up your mind." Said Keiichi.

Frank has just one more question, "Since you never practiced the true Watanagashi Festival for so many years since, what happened to the tools used back then?"

Keiichi paused for a while as though he had a brain fart. He finally said, "Hmm, the Furude family keeps them in a shed somewhere which I wouldn't tell you."

"Why not?" He asked, curiosity growing.

Mion replied, "'Cause no one's supposed to go there, that's why. Besides, we're discreet when explaining the history of our town. We don't to sensationalize anything."

Frank wanted to ask some more but he decided against it. "I see. I obviously wouldn't raid Father Brown's panty drawer if I'm not allowed." He let out a chuckle. Mion and Keiichi let out some chuckles, rather half-hearted to say the least. They were a wee bit disturbed by his 'aura of oddness.' _Whatever_, Frank thought. _People say what I do is sin but morality is for a bunch of pussies who are too squeamish to enjoy the _experience_!_ Now the ceremony has begun and everyone watched Rika attacked the poor piece of futon and rip out its innards. Frank took pictures of the cute little shrine maiden. However, he had business to attend so he silently left the crowd. He left for the empty parts of the village. There he searched for a place to solve the puzzle in peace until he spied two people loitering around a building. One of them is platinum blond-haired woman with a green jacket and a smile that revealed nothing. The other was a muscular guy with brown hair, a baseball cap, and glasses. He carried a camera. _Hmm, maybe they can join me in my little adventure_, Frank mused. He approached. He approached them from the bushes. A cracking noise echoed when he walked. With that, the couple turned their heads and Frank hastily dove under the bushes. The two turned their flashlights at the direction of the sound.

"Who goes there?" The muscular guy called out in a French accent.

Frank wanted to stay down but his mind is telling him that they're no threat so he stood up. He rebuked, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I apologize for my intrusion."

The woman was initially a bit stunned but she reverted back to her calm, cat-like self, "Oh, um…we were doing something like that ourselves…" She said awkwardly.

Frank smiled and said, "I'm Frank Cotton. What's your name, sir?" Her voice has a French accent.

The man replied to him, "I'm Jirou Tomitake, I come here three times a year. I'm bird photographer."

Then the woman's turn, "I'm Miyo Takano." He asked them, "What brings you here?"

"I'm doing some research on the legends of the village, especially the lore behind the Watanagshi Festival." He then asked Jirou, "What about you?"

Jirou answered, "Well, I'm kinda helping her. We're breaking into this place, it used to be the old temple of the village's guardian deity, Oyashiro-sama, and now used to store ritual equipment." With that Frank told them what he knew from the two teens he encountered. He added, "Why doesn't anyone come here to this place anyway?"

She replied, "Only the Furude family and a handful of other people are allowed to enter. People other than the Furude clan. People other than the Furude clan would bring impurity here. Let's see what's inside." She turned to Jirou, "Let's open it."

He replied, "Alright, let's see what I can do." He lockpicked the padlock until a satisfying _clunk!_ came out of it. Then he removed it and opened the doors. He said to them, "I'll keep watch."

There Takano shone some light into the darkness and then came a sight to behold. At the end of the hall is the statue of Oyashiro-sama, far more spectacular than the one at the shrine. All around are tools that she explained were once used in the old and gruesome days, implements of ceremonial torture and death. She explained about how most of the locals are said to be partly descended from man-eating demons, curses and murders on festival night, about how they rip out the innards while the guy is watching his own gory death and so on and so forth, but he has other things in mind. He asked them, "Hey, you two wanna join me in staying here?"

Takano raised an eyebrow, "What? Why do you want stay here? You know we can't stay here for long."

"Okay, let's get out of here." So they proceeded to go out. Frank walked slowly from behind. She got out and said to Jirou, "Okay let's go."

SLAM!

Frank slammed and quickly barred the door. The surprised Miyo got pissed and started kicking the door. "Hey! What the hell are you doing! Open the goddamned door!"

Jirou quickly restrained her and whispered, "What the hell are you doing! Trying to make a scene?"

She ignored him and ranted on, "Open the door you sonofabitch!" She made rapid fire karate-style kicks on it despite being restrained. Jirou pulled her further away and carried her to the darkness before anyone can see them. Inside the depraved pleasure seeker looked at the place with a perverse awe. Now, the moment he had all been waiting for has dawned. He is now alone. _This place is perfect_! He thought. Being both sacred and bloody at the same time, he seeks to add a new adjective to it: defiled. The owner told him can further raise the effect by solving it at place deemed holy—or was holy. Here people never come to this place because they are deemed impure. But Frank is impure and liking it. There he walked into the center with mocking reverence and squat on the center. He opened his backpack and took out his most prized possession-the Lament Configuration. Shone by flashlight, he was solving the puzzle with fastidious purpose, the music chiming inside it. Before this moment, he always had a lot to worry such as about the consequences such as what happens to should he be caught, the diplomatic fallout between Japan and Britain (He is a British citizen on foriegn turf after all). It longer mattered to him now. _Ha! All of this those troublesome thoughts are of paltry significance. They carry little meaning and weight to me now for I will leave for the world of endless pleasure, _he thought. Then came the most anticipated moment of his life: he reconfigured the last piece, a great bell tolled and the winds howled, He was glad they would come.

POOF!

Then came several hideous creatures. One of them has pins all over his head as if he had a bad acupuncture. Frank smiled with glee and admiration. Though they looked severly mutilated, Frank felt that this beings are the ultimate embodiment of the craft. But for some stupid reason, Frank decided to ask them, "Who are you?"

The pin-headed man step put, "Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others. Were you the one who summoned us?"

Frank stood up ecstatically, "Yes! I did!"

"Ah, good. We have such sights to show you, eh..."

"Frank Cotton." He supplied his name.

To which he replied, "I am the Lead Cenobite but they called me..." The stereotypical dramatic pause, "...Pinhead. Now you must come with us, taste our pleasures."

The pleasure seeker eyes widened with glee, "Oh boy! I'm ready-"

"But first," He interrupted, "the foreplay. And no tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering."

Frank obliged, "I'll be _very_ obedient." Outside a little cicada was flying around when it heard something. Curious, it alighted on the building. There it heard the most disturbing sounds in its insignificant little life. There comes the whip. _CRACK!_

"_Ow! Oh yes! I love it!_" Frank stated in delight.

"_Bend over, bitch!_" Ordered Pinhead.

"_OW! OW! AW! OH YES! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!_"

"O_kay, Frankie boy get ready for the extreme._"

"_I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille._" Then the mood change. "_Uh, hooks and chains? They look dangerous._" Frank squirmed.

Pinhead was annoyed, "_Shut up and take like Mr. Slave._"

There were screams that scared the crap out of the cute little cicada. "_OH GOD OH GOD! IT HURTS LIKE HELL!_"

"_Get along, little slave._" Another Cenobite cooed.

"_OK, people. Let's pack it up and ditch this town._" Pinhead reminded everyone.

"_Um, wait. You still have to get rid of my-_" Frank pleaded. Then came blood-curdling scream, "_OH MY GOD! You're dragging me with those chains! And my skin's hooked to them!" _The adventurous cicada peered inside and saw the warehouse shone with unearthly light. Inside were the Cenos preparing to jump into swirling portal of the open box. They did one by one. Then Frank got in too. He got sucked inside so hard that his head was stuck. The Cenos began tugging it so hard that his face was squeezed by the edges of the box until finally _POP!_ He was sucked right in with a bloodcurdling scream. The cicada chirped in fright. The shack became alive with whirpools of blue light sucking the air into it. The cicada tried to fly but the whirpool swooped him inside the cube. It suddenly sealed shut. A few seconds later. It spat the poor thing out like a bad lunch. The cicada flew out of the shed and into the air.

"EEEEEEE~!" Screamed the cicada until it struck a light. Unfortunately, it was a bug light in Keiichi's house. Like a bullet it collided with the bug light wrapping it in blue lightning. It screeched in pain until it got off. It cried loudly in the dead of night when everyone is asleep. And frankly, no one cares about an electro-fried cicada. It spiralled to the ground like an airplane and landed on its head like a stubbed-out cigarette.

_Anime Borat presents..._

**WHEN THEY SCREW NOW!**

_Load screen takes place showing the logo of the SOS Brigade spinning around, then a satellite image of Japan, which later zooms to the village of Hinamizawa; then to adjacent locations as well as places of interest such as the Furude shrine and Irie clinic.  
_

"Kyon, we have a situation going on," Itsuki began the screw over, uh, I mean, voice over.

"What the hell is going on this time?" Kyon asked with a pissed tone.

"Haruhi wants to go to Hinamizawa." _The video screen shows photos of crowds around the shrine as well as that of the whole village..._

"You mean the notorius village which made headlines?"

"Yup. The one infamous for murder. Started while you're in middle school. " _The video screen skips to newspaper clippings of about a 'dam war' and mystery murders around the village. The satellite downloads video newsfeed of latest events around the village._ "Haruhi wants to investigate these mysterious murders and disappearances to give credit to the SOS Brigade."

"Uh-huh, so what did Haruhi screwed this time?" _Shown now are the SOS Brigade's rooster of members and analyzed, presenting a brief description of each. Among of which includes:_

_Kyon, pissed off mudak conscript. Status: active and constipated._

_Haruhi, megalomaniac superbitch, future fuhrer. Status: active and High!_

_Mikuru, big-boobed and red-head moe bimbo. Status: alive and clean._

_Yuki, alien spy and cardholding member of the Communist Party. Status: Active. Defected to the CIA._

_Itsuki, gayass gaylord who loves yaoi. Status: active and single...? I hope so... eww.  
_

"Nothing really. She just wants to check it out."

"What the f-"Kyon flipped out.

"But we have other matters to attend that interests the Organization," Itsuki cut him before he could so the "f' bomb, "Three months ago, we lost contact of an agent we posted there." _A roster of the Organization's agents show up and Arakawa's name is being type. Then the list is being scanned until a match is found: Arakawa appears in his butler grab with his dossier. A satellite pinpoints the coordinates of his last known location and zooms in.  
_

"You mean the butler guy?"

"Yeah, according to intel we gathered so far he was last seen near a local KFC restaurant nearby. We need to know what happened to him and what did he found." _Tsuruya's profile is uploaded, indicating school records and family businesses, among of them includes Tsuruya Pharmaceuticals._ "Tsuruya's sponsoring out trip."

"Why? I hope he wasn't going there for a take out then get spirited away by a van full of terrorists."_ Profiles of Taniguchi and Kunikida show up. Taniguchi, in his police mugshot, states he was arrested for multiple counts of panty-raiding and posession of lolicon doujins. Kunikida, nothing turns up. No birth certificate, no medical records, no financial statements, nothing at all. Even CIA and Interpol files turn up empty._

"She has some interest to take care of there. And she brought your friends along too."

"Yeah, But nothing makes this a normal summer trip." _Satellite tracks all of them in the bus there on. It is being analyzed and the heat signatures of eight passengers have shown in it. Analysis includes speed, destination, time(0940 hours and counting) and ETA(estimated time of arrival). The satellite zooms in slowly.  
_

"Nothing is ever normal when Haruhi's around, Kyon. In fact, it might even be called normal by now."

"Hey, Mikuru. Is anything bad gonna happen within the next 48 hours?" Kyon asked Mikuru.

"Classiffied information."

"Screw that crap. What the fuck were you sent back in time for?"

"Nyoron~" The moe moaned.

"How about you, Yuki?" Itsuki asked the alien.

"Don't talk 'till we have sex, cracka." She replied.

"Oh shit, Yuki's being frigid, Kyon." The esper whined.

"Yeah, same shit, diffent day." Kyon commented, not minding Itsuki's lack of real manhood.

_Loading complete. Fortunate Son plays..._

A train passed the rural countryside with its gleaning rice paddies reflecting the bright sunlight of the day, giving a breathtaking of mixed deep green and cerulean blue. It was a sight to behold. Aboard the bus are only eight passengers: the SOS Brigade consisting of Kyon, Haruhi Suzumiya, Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi; the sponsor Tsuruya, the panty-perv freeloader Taniguchi, and finally the chameleon Kunikida. Haruhi was looking at the window looking bored as usual. Kyon was listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival's _Fortunate Son_ from his Ipod, bobbing his head to the tune of the lyrics. Mikuru was thinking of nonsensical moe stuff while Itsuki is being a bishie eating a twinkie. Tsuruya and Taniguchi are playing poker to see who will lose. If he loses he'll wear a girl's summer uniform for a whole day but if she loses she'll have to dance the can-can to Taniguchi, giving him the best pantyshot dance of his life. But in any case, the odds are in favor of LOL Fang-tan since she had long gambling experience from her family trips to Las Vegas, Macau, Bahamas and Monte Carlo plus Tani being a dumbass to accept such challenge. Kunikida has something in his bag that escaped customs and stuff.

Haruhi pouted visibly when she noticed Kyon enjoying so with her usual mix of mischief and douchfaggery approached him. As he bobbed his head she carefully slip into the pocket where his Ipod's kept. And turned up the volume!

"AAAAAHH!" Screamed Kyon as the sudden rush of noise sent him diving to the floor, tearing the string of the Ipod away from his ears. He looked at Haruhi and muttered, "That hell was that for!"

"I see I've got your attention, Kyon," Haruhi said triumpantly. She then frowned, "Don't slack off. We're in the middle of the biggest case of the century. The mystery murders of the Watanagashi Festival!"

"Hey, can't I enjoy some music. Besides, we're not in Hanoi Hilton, ugh, I mean Hinamizawa yet. And what's with these stories anyway? Aren't they just urban legends designed into scaring people to the cities so real eastate companies and developers can destroy the rural lanscape?"

"My poor ignorant Kyon. You know that every year at the night of the festival, someone gets murdered brutally and someone else dissapears. It's our mission to uncover this mystey and more in this world!"

"So who are the latest suckers to deserve such fate?" Kyon asked indifferently as he stood back up. He turned off the Ipod and tuck it in his pocket.

"A tourist disappeared during last year's festival. It made headlines for a while but in the end no one has ever found him and the public forgot about it. This feels very suspicsious. I can feel something is fishy there, Kyon!" She shouted with glee.

"Hey, Haruhi," Kyon corrected her, "Please don't shout. We're still on a bus."

"Oh, your no fun, Kyon. Try to be at least, have some life in you."

"I could if this thing is just a harmless field trip. But something involving murder, disappearances, and town legends doesn't sound very benign to me."

"Whatever! Next stop: adventure!" She announced.

"Oh God," Kyon sighed and facepalmed in frustration.

"Booya, Taniguchi! You lost! Now you're gonna wear a girl's summer uniform!" Tsuruya cheered, hopping away in happiness.

"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" Tani cried anime-style as he was down on his hands and knees, now he'll be wearing a girl's school uniform for the remainder of the day. Anyway, the train is taking them to their first stop, Shishibone, before they go to the legendary town of Hinamzawa.

**Several hours later...**

"Come on, Kyon! We've got to double time!" Haruhi ordered Kyon, who is lagging behind the rest of the group as they climb the steps of hotel room. He was turned into their pack mule, carrying a lot of heavy equipment three times the weight carried by marines of _Full Metal Jacket_. He looked tired as a horse.

"Slow down, superbitch," Kyon panted heavily, "you've had me carrying all our stuff here!" He hobbled wearily up the steps, sweat all over him.

"That's unbecoming of a brigade member." She reprimanded him with her arms crossed together.

"Screw you! I mean it isn't fair! I'm carrying all the stuff and you're not even helping!"

"Oh that's right, Kyon, don't make any effort to get to the top of the stairs. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?"

"Seriously, Haruhi. I've been in this brigade for a whole freakin' year and you made me do the odds and ends of everything."

"Are you quitting on me? ARE YOU QUITTING ON ME? Well, are you? Get the hell off of the stairs or get the fuck out of my brigade! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your nuts off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Kyon, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY YAOI FAN GIRL IN AKIHABARA!" Kyon grumbled as he made his way up the steps while the Alexandrov Choir sang the _Volga Boatman_ at the lobby below.. Humping over each step, he struggled to get his load over until they reach the their room. Song finished.

"We're here, everyone!" The brigade leader announced as she opened the door.

"Thank God," Kyon groaned loudly he dropped on the floor hard on the face.

"We're not done yet! I want you to unpack all our gear in three minutes. Pick 'em up and set 'em down, Kyon!"

"I'm tired and my back's aching. Just give us the rest of the day off?" Kyon begged.

"Hell no! Get your fat ass up there! I'll bet if there was some lolicon hentai up there you would get up there, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, Haruhi but no. I'm too tired."

"What's your excuse, Kyon?"

"I'm goddamned dizzy!"

"Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint! Jesus H. Christ! I think you've got a hard-on! I bet you're the kind of guy that would give Taniguchi some hardcore shonen-ai in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you."

Taniguchi thought, _WTF!_

"Itsuki!" Haruhi called out Itsuki.

"Itsuki Koizumi, reporting as ordered ma'am," he replied.

"Help this gay fag ready our stuff."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Outstanding, Itsuki . I think we finally found something that you do well." She then turned to Kyon, who is still on the floor with his face down, "Kyon, Itsuki is your roommate, and you WILL bunk with him! He'll teach you everything; he'll teach you how to eat noodles!"

"Aye, aye, Haruhi," Kyon groaned again, feeling his sanity slip away."

"Now you two ladies carry on!" She barked.

"Aye, aye, Haruhi," The two boys chanted together. Now that she is finished with her Gunnery Sergeant Haruhimann Suzumiya impression, she turns gleeful eyes to Mikuru.

"Hey, Mikuru. I'll show you to your room." She said with her rape face on.

"I can do it by my own," Mikuru squeaked.

"Oh, I insists, Mikuru." Then came lolies screaming, tsunderes laughing, struggling and Taniguchi screaming from a hard fist on his nose, all the while Kyon and Itsuki are resting in the room but the cynic made sure that the esper doesn't make his way into his pants while napping.

As for Taniguchi...

Tsuruya dragged the playboy after he got hit on the nose by Haruhi for mishandling Mikuru(frankly, Haruhi would not like it if anyone but her touches Miss Asahina). In his room, Tsuruya said to him, "Remember our bet."

Taniguchi moaned, "Awww..." The rest of the day would certainly suck for him.

**An afternoon at Hinamizawa...**

"Okay, guys! We're here," Haruhi announced after just having arrived to the village. Everyone else followed her from behind. Mikuru and Itsuki are walking together side by side like a dream couple. Yuki and Kunikida too. Tsuruya walked with a triumphant air while Taniguchi is weeping in the North High summer sailor uniform he wore as a part of their bet. Kyon lagged behind with equipment on his back and the Alexandrov Choir kept singing the _Volga Boatman_ at the background.

Everyone had their own peculiar reaction to the town. Haruhi said, "I like the smell of mysteries in the afternoon. Smells like... adventure."

Taniguchi wept, "Why I'm a going to town dress up like a drag queen, especially if there are any teenage girls here?"

Tsuruya replied, "Teenage girls like crossdressers, especially if there are any teenage girls here at all." He cried again.

Mikuru asked, "Is this Hinamizawa?"

"Yup, sure is, " Kyon replied.

Meanwhile, Itsuki is making a fake voiceover, "I arrived at worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. A few tourism postcards away and hundreds of dirt trails uphill that snaked through this town like an overloaded computer plugged straight into Haruhi's obsession. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of everyone's memory, especially the memory of Haruhi Suzumiya; any more than being back in North High was an accident. There is no way to tell their story without telling my own. And if their story really is a confession, then so is mine-"

"Hey Itsuki, are you quoting a movie?" Kunikida asked. He was directly behind Itsuki, almost as if he was waiting for some action.

"Uh, no, Kunikida, I'm just musing around uselessly," Itsuki hurriedly explained.

"Oh. I thought you were quoting a movie about a guy sent on a boat trip to kill a crazy colonel during the Vietnam War based on a novella written by Joseph Conrad which was a critic of the European colonialism in Africa and adapted into screenplay by the award-winning director of the Godfather saga-"

"Okay, okay, that's enough, Kunikida!", Itsuki cut him off, "I know what you mean but no. It's just a summer trip, that's all."

"Oh, okay, "Kunikida said with the naivete of a five year-old. Without the propboy to bother him, Itsuki continued to muse. While it may be an eccentric summer trip concocted by their Brigade fuhrer, the circumstances behind Itsuki's involvement are all too similar to the movie.

**A week ago in the clubroom...**

Itsuki peered through the blinds of the clubroom window overlooking the outside of the school. _North High... shit; I'm still only in North High... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the closed space, _he thought. The clubroom consisted of the moment by Kyon, who was playing Splintercell: Conviction on an illegally obtained Xbox 360; Yuki, who is reading the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and the maid Mikuru Asahina brewing tea for the whole brigade - and praying that Miss Suzumiya is not gonna costume rape her again. Itsuki walked away from the window and went to the table to take a nap. All is tranquil until...

_BOOM!_

"Hey, everyone I just have the best news ever!" Haruhi came bursting through door startling everyone except Itsuki. Mikuru spilled hot tea on her boobs, causing her to cry out in pain and Kyon just got gun downed by terrorist. "We're gonna have another assignment this summer!"

"What's that suppose to mean?" Kyon deadpanned, trying hard not to explode from just being gunned by an enemy NPC due to her. You could even see his eyeballs twitch.

"This time we're going to Hinamizawa! The town is rumored to be the site of several mysterious disappearances and murders! We should investigate!"

"You mean you want _us_ to waste another summer investigating an urban legend?"

"It's not an urban legend, Kyon. It's real!" She defended. "This is the biggest break we've ever had yet!"

"But murder and dissappearances? Are you freakin' kidding me?"

"Hell no. Besides, Tsuruya's gonna sponsor us." Just then, Tsuruya then skipped into the room happily.

"Hello, everyn'yan. Me and Haruhi were talking about what we'll do this summer. She said to me that can't think of any plans for vacation and that reminded me of Hinamizawa and she megas like it! Instead of going to the beach or out the country, we're going to the countryside, nyoro!" The green-haired girl said. Kyon suddenly remembered all those worst times with Haruhi such as Endless Eight and being trapped in a snowy mountain. Then he remembered that one time out of the country where they went to Colombia to investigate a rumored UFO crash site - and how he had to cling to dear life when they stumbled into a massive cocaine processing plant; nearly getting killed by FARC, the cartels, and Colombian military; almost turned into piranha chow; keeping Yuki from getting high and suffering from malaria and dysentery and being betrayed by their guide(whom he and Taniguchi capped in his breakfast, Pulp Fiction-style). He still remembered being on board a jeep with Itsuki at the wheel, dodging RPG fire and being chased by machine-gun carrying pickup trucks.

"And we are planning to get ready in a week," Haruhi said.

"A week? Aw..." Kyon facepalmed out of frustration. The genki girl jerkass giggled in delight. Then she proceeded to do her usual routine like annoying Kyon some more and harassing Mikuru yet again. All of this went on as Itsuki continued to rest his head on his arms.

_When I was home after my first day of esper work, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my mom, until I told her "cooking sucked" on the phone._

Kyon is getting his bag ready to go home after a stressful afternoon of non sequiters with Haruhi. He didn't noticed Itsuki still laid his head on the table and he didn't care at all. Haruhi was the last to leave when she noticed it. He said to him that she'll going home and asked him if he's gonna stay here. He replied that he'll stay some more. After she reminded him to lock the door if leaves before she skipped happily home. And Itsuki continued to muse, _When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the closed space. I'm here a week now... waiting for an assignment... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Shinjin sits in the cold, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter._

Then Itsuki did a drunken ballet simulating combat in closed space that culminated in him smashing everything in the clubroom, drinking hot leftovered tea in intervals, and lying on the floor like a hobo cut off from welfare, all while just wearing his underwear. Meanwhile, two men from the Agency went up the stairs to pick up Itsuki.

_Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like fan service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another._

"This must be the place," one of them said. They opened the door and saw Itsuki on the floor and the mess he created. They poked him with a stick to see if he's still alive. He responded grabbing it and breaking it in half. However, he refused to go so they poured hot tea on his chest and he screamed like a girl.

Now they took him back to the agency where he has dinner with several officials. He greeted them and his colleauges, Keiichi Tamaru and Sonou Mori.

"Koizumi, have you ever seen this gentleman before?," He pointed to Gendo Ikari, who was sitting on a couch reading NEWSWEEK. He's a creepy guy with glasses from Evangelion. Evangelion? Why the fuck would the author do that? Sure-nuff a bizarre twist in the middle of this crap.

"No, sir." Then a General Shepherd takes the floor.

"Your report specifies intelligence/counterintelligence with Task Force Saddam," Said General Shepherd who was interrogating him. How was he still alive when Soap plug a knife through his eye? Perhaps the Agency brought him back to life when they saw his Second Life account. Task Force Saddam is Itsuki's group whose job is to monitor the crazy goddess 24/7.

"I'm not presently disposed to discuss these operations, sir," Itsuki replied since there is rumor that a highly placed mole is digging info from the Agency and passing it to its parent group, presumably Kyouko's.

"Did you not work for First Encounter Assault Recon at Fairport, USA?" Shepherd asked. Itsuki remembered that time he and the espers helped the FEAR team and Delta Force try to apprehend that crazy ghost bitch named Alma. However, she had a disturbing liking for Itsuki so he switched with Becket at the last moment, who was later screwed up literally. Ah, beauty of schadenfreude.

"No, sir."

"Did you not assasinate a Russian arms dealer in the Chernobyl area, Ukraine, June 16, 1996? Koizumi?"

"Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation... nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir." Okay, they had dinner of shrimp and steak, passing food around to each other, and discussed about losing contact with Arakawa. They played the butler esper's last transmission.

"I watched a cicada fly around the edge of hot lamp. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Flying, crying, along the edge of a hot flame... and surviving."

"His last contact was in the Shishibone-Okonomiya sector, were we posted him to investigate some certain anomalies. We believe he is still alive and he's in hell right now," Shepherd said, cutting his steak.

"Like Nikolai, sir?"

"No, you moron!" Shepherd blurted but not before his high-blood pressure calmed him down. He said, "You see, Koizumi... In this business, things are very dangerous out there. Psychotic timeboys, interfaces that sounded like wrecked Vocaloid knockoffs, yaoi fangirls, sparkly vampires. Out there in that town, with it's picture perfect location and scenery, it must be a temptation to feel like in heaven before going to hell. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have them."

"You reached yours when you lost 30,000 men in the blink of an eye and the world just fuckin' watched."

"Don't interrupt me, goddamnit-!"Oh! Oh! Oh... god!" Shephered clutched his chest. Then resumed, "He will reach his and very obviously he will be compromised, spilling years worth of sensitive information."

"Agreed, sir. Obviously dangerous."

Tamaru said, "Your mission is to proceed to Gifu Prefecture along with the SOS Brigade. Pick up Arakawa's stuff in Shishibone, analyze it and and learn what you can along the way. When you get a fix of his location, infiltrate the village by whatever means available and reacquire the butler's person."

"Reacquire the butler?" Itsuki asked.

"He is out there in captivity with people who treat their victims without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he still in the field crying out in agony." Shepherd felt sick to his stomach, knowing from rumors and random intelligence, mostly from local citizens and retards.

"Reacquire with extreme prejudice," Gendo said, being the conspiratorial bastard he is, wanting Itsuki to do the dirty work while keeping his hands clean.

"You understand, Koizumi, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist...", Tamaru concluded and offered a joint to Itsuki, he refused. And now he is about to embark on a journey to the biggest mind rape of the century.

END OF TRANSMISSION. MORE COMING SOON.


	3. Welcome to the 'Namizawa

**Welcome to the 'Nam(izawa)**

**Hi everyone. I noticed that this arc feels a bit similar Thnikkafan's Cries of Haruhi Suzumiya. I apologize if that's the case but my story goes to a very different direction. Please read his/her fic if you like. It's good! And if you like try reading my Higurashi Facts.**

The Brigade and its three auxiliaries continued on their merry way. At first sight the village looked like a pastoral paradise.

"I could build a summer home here," Kunikida said, "It's a shame this town this town's notorious for murder."

"It's just like those slasher flicks, Kunikida. You get a peaceful village that turns out to be inhabited by nasty psychos," Haruhi shouted, "And the first victim would be… _Mikuru!_" She pounced on the helpless moe and grabbed her on the waist.

"EEEP!" She squeaked in fear.

"Please Haruhi, not Mikuru again. Her squeaks are _so_ annoying," Kyon complained facepalmed.

"That's the essence of being moe," Haruhi replied.

Mikuru squeaked in anger since Kyon is not being her knight in shining armor again. Whatever, they have a job to do, however crazy and suicidal it may be. Marching into the town itself, the North High students were greeted by sight of the locals lounging around in the grass: a green-haired girl with nice knockers, two boys; one brown-haired and one blonde, a redheaded girl, and two little girls: one blue-haired and one blonde.

"Good morning, visitors. Who might you be?" asked the cute blue-haired girl. Kyon suddenly thought of Achakura, who is also blue-haired. The chibi lives with Yuki Nagato. And also of Kuyou Suou with that hairstyle.

"My name is Itsuki Koizumi and these are my colleaugues," Itsuki began, ever the diplomat, pointing to the rest of the group. The locals stood up.

"Colleagues?" the girl was perplexed.

"He's right!" Haruhi sprung out like a loose screw, "My name is Haruhi Suzumiya and we are the SOS Brigade!" she spread her arms with that stereotypical fanfare crap in the background.

"The SOS Brigade?" inquired the green-haired girl with a ponytail.

"That's right! It stand for 'Spreading Excitement all Over the World with the Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade'! And aside from the two of us," refering to herself and Koizumi, " I'll introduce you to the rest of the Brigade. The girl right behind me is Mikuru Asahina, fan service personified.

"Hi," Mikuru piped timidly in a way that would make fans scream in delight.

"The gray-haired girl is Yuki Nagato," she aimed her hand to the alien.

"It is a pleasure to meet you all in this fine day," Yuki said to the commitee with slightly upperclass British tone.

"And my slave, I mean, my main man, Kyon!" she fingered to their pack mule, who was close to collapsing.

"Hi... there," Kyon grunted with unsteady legs. Then he fell under the weight of his load with a loud _crash!_ Clouds of dust erupted from where he stood. When it cleared, he looked he got crushed by a satellite. Kunikida and Taniguchi step in to help him up.

"These are our fine supporters. Tsuruya, Taniguchi and Kunikida." She pointed to the trio of people behind her and directly in front of Kyon. The playboy went behind Tsuruya before any of them had a glance of him.

"Hello, everyn'yan," Tsuruya cheered, waving her hand.

"Who might you be?" The goddess asked.

"We are the residents of the village of Hinamizawa," said the green-haired girl without any tone in her voice that said 'duh, Captain Obvious'. She'd make a great tour guide. "And we are a part of a special afterschool group."

"What's that?" Haruhi asked with a raised eyebrow.

The green-hair and the brunette boy jumped into the air, somersaulted from out of the sun and landed gracefully, spinning around like ballerinas until they stopped, "We are the Games Club!" After that came the chriping of cicadas. Right now would be the moment for Haruhi to say something blunt like how lame they are compared to the uberleet , cherry-on-top-of-the-cream-of-the-crop, SOS Brigade but she said nothing at all, probably by how ridiculous they are compared to them.

"The Games Club, huh? What do you do in this... 'Games Club'?'" She seemed incredulous but that doesn't mean she's not intereseted. Kyon remembered that she tried to perform a double hostile takeover, trying to merge the Supernatural Phenomenon Research Club and the Mystery Research Club into the brigade but they didn't meet her standards... because they're dead when they opened a suspicious-looking alien sac she asked them to examine. Whatever popped out of it killed them and Yuki has to replace them with clones.

"We just play games and stuff," replied the bluehaired girl. "And I think we didn't give you a proper introduction. My name is Rika Furude, the Racoon."

"I'm Mion Sonazaki, the club leader," said the green-hair.

"I'm Keiichi Maebara, the Magician of Words," said the brunette boy.

"I am Rena Ryuugu, Cute Mode," said the redhead, sounding so happy and innocent.

"My name is Satoshi Hojo," said the blonde boy, "And this is my little sister, Satoko, the Trapmaster." She patted the shoulder of the blonde girl.

"Meowth, that's right," said the girl winking with a thumbs-up, quoting an obvious reference. She noticed someone dressed in girl's summer uniform standing behind Tsuruya. She asked her, "Who's that behind you?"

Tsuruya looked behind, "Oh this guy, that's Taniguchi." But he went behind Kyon's stuff like a bat. Tsuruya turned to it and said "Come out, Taniguchi. Time to meet the people." No response.

"Come out of the closet, Tani-chan."

He replied, "No! I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"Come on, remember our bet. If you're gonna wear it, you're gonna let everyone see you wear it." Tsuruya replied, roughly pulling him out of the pile of luggage.

"But you didn't say anything about me going in public in this, it's not fair,"

"I say it is now so come out!" She pulled him out in full view of the Higurashi kids. Now he stands in front of them in, feeling like Bruno from the movie _Bruno_.

"Hello... I'm Taniguchi..." he managed smiling nervously with his hands behind his back.

"Wow, what a drag queen," Satoko commented.

"He looks so adorable! I'm taking him home!" Rena chimed in delight. Taniguchi couldn't take it anymore so he burst into tears and ran away.

"Hey, Taniguchi! Come back!" Tsuruya madly shrieked as she chased him down the road.

"Wow. He looks like Natsuru Seno from _Kampfer_ minus the genderbend," noted Keiichi, "What kind of bet are they talking about?"

Itsuki provided the answer, "They played poker to see who's better. If he wins, Miss Tsuruya would have to dance like a French lady in front of him. If she wins... we just knew it right now..." He couldn't help thinking how funny it turned out. _Better him than me_, he thought.

"So what brings you here? Is it for the festival?" Mion asked.

"More than that! We are here to investigate the mystery murders and disappearances of this village!" Haruhi replied. The residents gave them odd looks while the rest of the North High students felt like their lives drained out of them.

"'Murder' you say?" Mion asked, not believing her ears.

"Uh, huh!" Haruhi cried like an excited child. Kyon's face turned red with embarassment and so is Mikuru's and Kunikida's but Itsuki kept his smile and Yuki remained unmoved.

Keiichi thought, _fucking tourists!_

"Forgive Miss Suzumiya's brashness," Itsuki said, being the de facto envoy of the Brigade. "The mission statement of the SOS Brigade is to seek out mysteries of the world, specifically to search out for aliens, time travelers and esper."

"Well, if that's the case, why are all of you trying to investigate a murder? You probably saw too many late night CSI reruns and Scooby-Doo." Mion said with her arms crossed, obviously not happy with what Haruhi said.

"It's an extracurricular activity that our leader came up with to hone our skills and awareness," The esper replied, "And I'm sorry if we are insensitive in our words. I know you people have been getting a lot of bad press lately, especially with the vanishment of a British tourist from last year."

Mion stood down a bit, "Gee, I guess you're right I think we got off on the wrong foot. We'll show all around the village."

"I agree. I have to ask Miss Suzumiya first, though." He turned to Haruhi, who was pouting as usual. "Haruhi, do you concur?"

"Why, Itsuki?" She moaned.

"We don't want to offend our host. This is their home, after all." He reminded her.

"Oh alright," she sighed, "I agree." She finally yielded, which is a rare moment since she would only do that with hard persuasion from Kyon, who was standing shakily form the pile of gear he carried.

"Come on, everyone," Rena said, "We do welcome strangers here. One of them is Keiichi here."

"Yeah, I've been here for two years," Keiichi proudly confimed. Haruhi looked at him.

"If you're the Magician of words, prove it?" she dared.

Keiichi swept back his hair and did a little frown and the best Clark Gable impression you ever knew, and said in the smoothest voice you'll ever hear, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Everyone was stunned by his impression and they all clapped.

"Whoa! I can't belive it!" Haruhi exclaimed.

Mikuru clapped very hard. Yuki shouted in a rare display of emotion, "Bravissimo!"

"That's enough for now," Mion said, "We've got tour to do."

"Roger that!" Haruhi chimed, "After that let's discuss merger..." Obviously, Haruhi wants to merge the Games Club with her Brigade but enough of that. Kyon, who finally got his strength back, turned on his Ipod and tuned in to Rolling Stone's _Satisfaction_.

_I can't get know... Satisfaction...(ted-ded... tem-dem-deeeeem... ted-ded-dem-dem-dum)_

Meanwhile, Tsuruya came back with Taniguchi literally on a leash and said, "Hey, where'd everybody go?" She then tugged the leash and the playboy reluctantly followed.

Along the way, Mion explained the history of the village and its inhabitants. Her family, Sonozakis; the Kimiyoshis, and Rika's family, Furudes, formed the Three Great Houses of Hinamizawa. She particularly explained the more sensitive parts of its history such as the Watanagashi Festival and its origins for now, with careful deliberation so as they do not become misunderstood. Mikuru, Tsuruya, Kunikida, cringed when she heard of ritual torture and sacrifice, Haruhi was agitated for the details which Mion refused to give, Yuki looked lifeless, Itsuki with his fake smile, and Kyon doesn't seem to give a damn at all. She also explained the dam controversy to them as well.

"...now you know why this place use to be named Onigafuchi." She explained.

"Now can we go to the shrine now-!" Haruhi shouted.

"Slow down, Miss Suzumiya," she said, "We still have to show you to some of the residents." They walked to a house near the Sonozaki estate, "This house belonged to Dr. Hannibal Lecter, who moved here fifteen years ago."

"When you say you welcome strangers, you weren't kidding," Kunikida exclaimed, "You actually welcome people of different nationalities too."

"Does that mean you welcome crossdressers too?" Tsuruya asked while Taniguchi slipped behind her in shame.

"Yes, we do. Especially if they're good-looking either way," Rena said. The playboy knew that he only fit half that category so his face turned redder.

"Is he from England?" Mikuru asked Mion.

"No, he's actually descended from Lithuanian aristocracy and lived both in France and the US. He's also the eight person to bear the name of Hannibal in his family so that would make him Count Hannibal Lecter VIII."

"I though he was British 'cause his name sounded like it," Mikuru said.

"Yeah but it's not. And that's not all," Mion added, "We have another foreign resident. Come with me." They arrived at a creepy house, which is quiet big. The trees around it are bare of leaves and full of cawing crows, the grass is overgrown. At the front is an anemic neon sign that said, 'BATE'S OVERLOOK INN.' Below is a 'NO VACANCY' sign where the 'no' flickered on and off.

"I assume business isn't booming for him, no pun intended," Itsuki noted.

"Yeah, we tried to tell him to relocate his business to Okonomiya but just wouldn't let go. He was capitalizing on the Hinamizawa experience." Mion explained.

"Obviously, he failed," Haruhi said with annoyance.

"How about you stay here?," asked a lanky man with an armful of groceries, "Cheap lodging for an overnighter and easy access to the village."

"Eeep!" Mikuru squeaked. The rest of the Brigade felt their hairs stand on end.

"Oh hello, Mr. Bates," Mion greeted cheerfully. She turned to the North High students, "Everyone, meet Norman Bates. He's from California."

"Hello," the visitors nervously replied in unison.

"Good afternoon, Mion-san," Norman Bates replied with a creepy smile that didn't disturbed the locals one bit but put the visitors on unease. "I came here to this village for the anonymity, uh, I mean, for the fresh air, sunshine and privacy."

"Uh... yeah... We understand that," Haruhi replied, forcing a smile. She couldn't help thinking that this guy looked like a serial killer.

"Does that mean you wanna stay at my lodge!" Bates asked like child hungry for his lollipop. She looked over to Mikuru, who was trembling with fear.

"Um...no. We could manage a walk here. It's g-great for walking... right, guys?" Haruhi said nervously as she told her friends, who are also shaking with dread.

"Oh no, how unfortunate. I was going to show you..." He moaned when he looked at a silhouette in one of the windows. It had the shape of an old lady. He dashed away and came back with a dress and a toilet brush. He cried, "Coming mother!"

The inn owner went back inside the house. There was silence. And Tsuruya finally said, "Weird guy..."

"Yeah, we know," Rena said. "He's also lonely too." The North High students had chills when she said that.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot." Mion said, "There's an American chef who specializes in soups. He comes here from Okonmiya during every Watanagashi festival to sell his soups."

"I'm guessing that guy," Kyon said, "is the Soup Nazi, right?"

"Yeah, although that was an exaggeration he got while living in America. He just made those rules in order to provide efficient service. He can be easily ticked off by bad customers, however."

"Whatever, we have business to do." Haruhi blurted, "Shall we move on?" Itsuki looked at the horizon and knew that it would be sundown within an hour.

"Haruhi, I think it's getting late." He said to Miss Tsundere. "We might have to come bakc to the hotel."

"Aw man!" She whined, "We've wasted too much time in this tour."

"Hey, chill, Miss Suzumiya," Mion said to her, "You all could come back here tomorrow. Besides, the festival is only ten days away if you want to attend." Haruhi sighed in frustration.

"Yeah, It's nice knowing you," She said with a frown and without her Genkiness, "We'll continue tomorrow." Everyone said their goodbyes to each other.

"Thank God it's over," Taniguchi cried tears of joy, knowing he wouldn't have to put up with wearing the sailor uniform the next day. Tsuruya playfull tugged his leash and he gladly moved on. As for the kids on the block...

"Wow, we've got yet another group of investigating wierdos in our hands yet again," Mion muttered.

"Every year we get people who come here to do goosehunts about the infamous murders of our village," Keiichi grumbled, knowing how annoying tourists are these days, "Just as annoying as watching Naruto filler episodes and the English dub of Tokyo Mew Mew."

"Me and Mion actually enjoyed the English dub," Rena said creepily.

"Jesus Christ, Rena!" The word magician screamed, "That sounded like total shit!"

"Gosh Keiichi," Satoko said, "Some people have their tastes you know."

"And all I could say is that the two of you have bad tastes indeed," He replied.

"Hey!" Mion blurted.

"Knock it off," Satoshi mediated, "We're all going off the subject." Silence from everyone except those damned cicadas. Then resumption.

"Yeah you're right," Mion said, "Back to our image and tourism problem."

"Oh yes,"Keiichi, "As I was saying, this perverse interest into our dark side is a little getting out of hand. Our latest casualty is a Frank Cotton from last year."

"You mean that creepy British tourist?" Satoshi asked.

"Yup. Last year, his disappearance caused such a shit storm that even Tony Blair paid a visist here and it caused the confiscation of all firearms from the Sonozaki armory. No one found his body apparently despite a massive search and rescue effort and no murder can be proven. Along the way, they found something about him that shocked the world all over-he's a sex and S&M addict."

"Eww, gross," Satoko muttered with disgust remembering the "fun times" with Shion during the previous cycle of violence which they only have recently broken.

"Yeah, that guy's a total sicko," Mion agreed shuddering about what kind of things that guy gets his jollies from.

"Yeah," Keiichi continued, "When the press broke news of his... jollies, the rave died down and things almost went back to normal. Not one of his relatives filed any charges. His kin apparently buried the hatchet since they never want to do anything with him and his... little secret."

"They probably did," Rena added, "... into his head."

"No bloody jokes, Rena," Rika scolded, "Our bloody past became well known throughout the world after that and we just have a group of visitors who came here just for that."

"Whatever," Mion blurted, "No one likes an S&M aficiando anyway." She then went on, "It's been a long day. See you guys tomorrow." Everyone else said their goodbyes. They all went home. Keiichi took out a picture labelled 'Comiket, December '09'. In it showed one of the happier times of the last year: he and his friends happily cosplaying during that Christmas. Keiichi as Lelouche Lampourage, Satoshi as Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club, Rena as Ritsu from K-On, Satoko as Seras Victoria from Hellsing, Rika as Ai Enma of Hell Girl, Mion as the Vocaloid Hatsune Miku, and Shion as Revy from Black Lagoon. Even Shion's bodyguard Kasai appeared in the pic as Half-Life's Gordon Freeman. Wait? Keiichi as Lelouche? A happier time in an otherwise infamous last year. As for Rena, Satoshi, Rika and Satoko...

"I'm making omelette tonight? What do you want it to be?" Satoshi asked the two little girls.

"Cheese," Satoko said.

"Potatoes," Rika said.

"Jalapeñoes," Rena said. Everyone turned to her.

"Jalapeoes, Rena?" The blonde boy asked, "Seriously, you want something spicy in your omelette?"

"Yes," she answered happily.

"But you don't live with us, Rena," Satoshi said.

"I know but I wanted to say it anyway 'cause jalapeños remind me of Oyashiro-sama's rage, which Mr. Cotton incurred during his visit here, and the eggs used remind me of what happened to his groin after that." She replied cheerily. They were nonplussed by her bubbly voice over something as morbid as that.

"You do realize that our guardian diety became known as Lord Jack or Lord Ripper in the West after last year, right?" Rika said.

"Yes," she replied "And I hope he's real 'cause he reminded me of your prick uncle Teppie. I hope his curse is real so he could get demoned away and burn in hell for all eternity." Then she laughed like a crazy yangire. It startled them for a few seconds.

"So.. you wanna copy my homework?" he finally asked offering his homework. Rena snapped out from her yangire self.

"Oh sure," She took it, "Bye, everyone." She happily skipped home.

"I hope she's okay," Satoshi said as they went home. Unknown to him and Satoko, Rika formed an ominous knowing grin and said to someone no one save herself can see.

"Did you hear that, Hanyuu? They're blaming you for Frank Cotton's disappearance." She said to her friend with a chuckle in an adult voice.

"Hau~ Hau~!" Hanyuu moaned. "He's so creepy. I don't like him one bit. Even if I can I won't take him 'cause he looked like a child molester."

"Have you found the culprit yet?" Rika demanded, her face looked serious.

"Not yet though," The horned little girl replied.

_Damn_, she thought as they went home for omelette for dinner.

"I think we should have tuna omelette tonight, Nipaah," Rika said to Satoshi.

"It's decided," he approved, "Tuna omelette it is."

"Just make sure you don't accidentally dropped a screw in it." Rika added under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing, nipah~"

"Oh, I thought you said something about dropping a screw in the tuna."

**At the same time in a clearing...**

"Those kids are hiding something alright," Haruhi declared to everyone, "It's probably related to those murders. Who knows what secrets are they covering up?" Her eyes sparkle with wonder.

"Uh, Haruhi," Kyon deadpanned, "We could worry about that when we get back to the hotel."

"But hell I will if I let them off my sight!" She retorted at Kyon, he was visibly startled.

"Can we go now?" Taniguchi whined swatting his exposed legs, "These mosquitoes are killing me."

"Quiet bitching, Tani!" Haruhi snapped. "I'm doing the talking here!" Taniguchi's ordeal is far from over. Now he has mosquitoes sucking his legs. And Tsuruya is enjoying his suffering.

"Miss Suzumiya, it's getting dark now," Mikuru pleaded, "We should go to the hotel and get some rest."

"Don't worry, Mikuru," she replied with a smile, "You're not far away from your grand murder headline." Mikuru cringed in fear.

"But given the fact that Kyon brought a lot of outdoor equipment here today," Itsuki noted, "Shouldn't we set up camp?"

"Yeah, Itsuki, you're right." She stroked her chin, then turned her her attention to Kyon and Taniguchi. She snapped at them, "Kyon! Taniguchi! Set up an OP here while the rest of us stay at the hotel!"

"You fuckin' nuts?" Kyon bitched. Taniguchi cried again.

"Do as I say or I'll nail your asses to the ground!"

Kunikida stepped in, "Excuse, Haruhi. Have you forgotten about our extra passengers?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Churuya and Achakura. Those two you're carrying in your bag so we wouldn't pay the extra bus fare?"

"That's right." Kunikida took his writhing backpack and opened it. Out of it came the two chibis, who came rushing out in the open in their cute little pace and mumbling nonsense. "They can set up camp for us."

"Really?" She asked skeptically, her arms crossed.

"Yes!" He replied, "They can set up this place in less five minutes. I can guarantee you that."

"All right, Kunikida, you have five minutes to set this place up..." Meanwhile, Kyon played the next Ipod song, _Hello Vietnam._ He then slowly drifted into something of his life that he never revealed to his friends.

**_South Vietnam, '68..._**

"Woods, he's here..." said Mr. Shades Bruce Willis to Alex Mason, who looked like and adult Kyon with facial hair. They both leave the tent and into the bustling Marine base of Khe Sanh. So much for the USMC kicking asses. Smoke, dust, purple haze, sun and heat is the order of the day and clearly, things are not looking good for the leathernecks as the NVA came all the way to party with them. And by 'party' means a great fireworks display is thrown at them followed by Zerg rushes of khaki-clad, AK47-waving commies complete with music, CCR's _Fortunate Son_.

Then a Huey came carrying Mason's best friend, Frank Woods, who came jumping of as though he's gonna see his sweetheart for the first time, "Mason!" Woods greeted.

"Woods!" Mason replied, "You look like hammered shit!" Clearly, he does.

"Looks don't count for shit the jungle. This is 'Nam, baby!" Apparently, soldiers in Vietnam don't take time to look themselves at the mirror. They don't care about good grooming.

"It's good to see ya."

"Yeah, you too..." Their friendship is not as _far_ as you think it is. "Where's Kinkaid?" Mason asked.

"He's with Bowman," Woods replied.

"Jason Hudson - CIA -Thank you for your time, Sergeant." Greeted Mr. Shades saying his name for the first time. Is really his name? He's CIA, ya know.

Woods took one look and replied dryly, "Right..." Apparently, Hudson broke the rule about how looks don't count: it's okay to look dirty in Vietnam, it makes you real man, looking clean makes you look like you're planning a tea party with Liberace.

"I already briefed Mason of the situation broadly," Hudson said to Woods as he walked away. Clearly, he wants his affection.

"Let me feel in the blanks for you..." Mr. Hammered Crap replied. It said, _Stay away from Mason's ass, you faggot! _

"Good morning, Mason," greeted Viktor Reznov, the badass Russian mofo of _World at War_, "Here, we have sun, a relaxing tropical landscape and people to kill. But no vodka." He frowned over not having his favorite drink by his side.

"Agreed, but since we're gonna hunt those Soviet commies here, you can have a free case." Mason replied to Reznov.

"Da, I'm looking forward to it."

"Mason, you listenin' to me?" Woods asked.

"Oh, sorry, Woods, I'm just talking to my new best friend Reznov here," Mason replied to Woods, pointing to an empty space near him.

"Reznov?" The two other guys asked with eyes wide open.

"Yes, I met him back at Vorkuta. He's right next to me." He said happily.

"Uh... hold on a sec," Woods replied and took Hudson with him. He then looked at the Bruce Wills knock-off, "You didn't give him happy pills, did you?" He asked threateningly.

"No, I swear to God, something's wrong with him," Hudson protested in vain.

"Come here, you sonofabitch!" He dragged him to the nearest tent and soon, he was beating him up black and blue. Hudson screamed loudly like hell.

**In the present day...**

The chibis have finished setting up camp and Haruhi was satisfied by it. "Outstanding, Kunikida. I think we finally found something that you do well."

"Yes, Haruhi," Kunikida answered.

"You should be in the Brigade! You have potential!" She then turned to the two boys, "Kyon, Taniguchi! You're both fired. The chibis are promoted to first watch."

"Aye-aye, Haruhi!" They both replied.

"Disappear, scumbags!" She barked. They both went out of her sight.

She called out the chibis, "Ashakura and Churuya! Front and center!" They swiftly came in front with no seconds to spare. She told them, "You're both drawing perimeter watch tonight. I want you to keep this place so safe that even Aung San Suu Kyi would be proud to live in exile here!"

"Yes, Haruhi," the chibis cheeped and ran to the camp.

She then faced the rest of the Brigade, "Everyone, back to the hotel!" They all obeyed. They all marched back to the hotel in the dead of night.

"Hey, Itsuki. Given the fact Haruhi kept on shouting, shouldn't she have sore throat by now?" He asked.

"Don't worry you're pretty little head, Kyon," the esper cheerily replied, "she's God."

"Wow, God's got a hard-on for this town because they kill everything they see. She plays her games, we play ours. To show their appreciation for so much power, they keep heaven packed with fresh souls. In this case, ritually mutilated souls that looked a certain character from a Clive Barker novella, turned into a hit."

"Be serious, Kyon. Things are not as what they seem here. We should tread carefully-"

"Don't give me that cryptic warning bullshit, Koizumi," Kyon snapped, "Survival in the battlefield requires firsthand intelligence. And don't think that there's no means to obtain them."

"Hey, chill, bud," Itsuki tried to placate, "I know what you mean by that analogy but you're on a 'need to know' basis. We can't have something that can alter-"

"The fate of the universe?" Kyon scoffed, "You'd better flush out your head, Itsuki. This isn't about the fate of the universe, this is our asses we're talking about. If I'm gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is 'poontang'."

"I understand but what do you mean by 'the means'?"

"That's classified but let's just say some British guy was given a free all-expense paid trip to Hongkong, forcefed some glass-flavored hard candy and had his jaw used for boxing practice." After that, Kyon walked on. Itsuki was stunned by Kyon's abruptness. He felt his spine chilled. Just like yesterday.

At the camp the chibis smiled with glee and reading a map in the tent. Churuya smiled evilly, "Operation Smochi is set to go."

**Yesterday...**

_How many missions had I already taken? There were those six that I knew about for sure. Vivid enough to play their images in my face. But this time, it was a rescue mission and a fellow esper. That wasn't supposed to make any difference to me, but it did,_ Itsuki mused yet again as the Brigade departed from the train station. _Shit... rescuing a man without backup in this place was like handing out speeding tickets in the Indy 500. I took the mission. What the hell else was I gonna do?_

"What's that?" Haruhi asked Kyon, looking at the horizon.

"A traffic jam," he replied.

"What?" Tsuruya asked.

Itsuki repeated what Kyon said, "Traffic jam."

"Probably the early morning rush hour," Kunikida suggested.

"Everytime I looked at that something terrible happened," voiced Taniguchi. They walked on towards the jam. They stopped further and realize that it's a traffic accident_._

"They're it is!" Shouted Kyon.

"The pollution will suck the air out of your damn lungs," commented Kunikida. They got closer and realized the extent of the damage. "Smoke! Secondary burning."

"Hey, Look, everybody," Mikuru said worriedly, "Police cars and ambulances. Lot's of them!"

"Let's have a look, Chief," Itsuki said to Haruhi. As they approached they see all sorts wrecked stuff including an overturned truck full of crabs. All around are people including injured victims, policemen, firemen and paramedics. Itsuki looked at one of the vehicles, a bus with a black-and-yellow shield with a horsehead. It bore the numbers 1/9. Koizumi realized whose bus it is._ It was the Hard Wheel, First of Ninth Bus Line, our carriers to the village of Hinamizawa. But we were supposed to meet them at the terminal. Well, four wheels of fury. Those boys just couldn't stay put._

He looked around passing people who were being treated for injuries and policemen writing down witness testimonies about the accident. He asked a policeman, "Where can I find the driver?"

"He's taken to the hospital but the bus owner's coming," replied the copper over the noise. He walked around and saw a big bus coming. An employee of the line came to him

"That's the big boss is coming down." He said. No shit. He looked at the bus at it bore the same insignia as that of the 1st Cavalry Division that it was inspired from. The front of the bus had to two sabres crossed together and written below are 'DEATH ON WHEELS.' Out of it came the bus owner, Bill Kilgore. Ex-Lt. Colonel of the 1st Cav, who came to Japan when the war's over and naturalized as a citizen. He lead an average life until Tsuruya's family offered him to run their bus line. He did and it became one of the most efficient lines ever run in Japan, but not without its quirks. He also provide support to the Agency's activities.

"Get that big-assed truck away from here! Give me some room to breath!" He barked.

"Yes, sir." Said another employee. He called for a tow truck to move it out of the way.

Itsuki approached and said "Mr. Kilgore, sir? I'm Itsuki Koizumi. I carry priority papers from the Agency. I understand Tokyo has briefed on the requirements of my mission."

"What?" The ex-cavalry man was mildly suprised, "I haven't heard from Tokyo."

"Sir, you're supposed to provide us transport to Hinamizawa."

"We'll see what I can do! Just stay out of the way until it's done, Koizumi!" The colonel began surveying the damage done by the accident. As he looked at man who was injured and was about to give him a drink from his flask of Scotch when an employee came to inform him of something.

"Sir, I think one of those kids is Mikuru Asahina." He said.

"What? Are you sure?" He's now totally suprised as took away his flask away from the man begging for a drink. He came to the SOS Brigade. And asked Mikuru, "What's your name, ma'am?"

"I'm Mikuru Asahina," she said shyly.

"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya-," the Brigade chief said but she was ignored by Kilgore.

"The star of The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina?" He asked again.

"Yes?" She said.

"It's honor to meet you. Me and my boys laughed hard from your show..." Whatever, after that, they discussed about the mission's requirements and the next day, they got a bus for the trip.

_We were being ferried down the road in a tour bus, a type of bus, pretty common sight on the roads. They said it was a good way to send agents without drawing lot of attention, especially since they denied my request for a heli transport. That was OK, I needed the air and the time. Only problem we wouldn't be alone._ _The trio with us are mostly spectators, people who don't share the rigors of our adventures with one foot in their graves. Tsuruya, our sponsor, is a happy go-lucky fanged ganja addict who insisted on being on the count that her family is a major supporter of the Agency. Taniguchi is a notorious indulger of pornographic material. You look at him and you'd believe everything I said. Kunikida, the chamaleon, is an average joe who was Kyon's best friend. The only thing not average about him is his all-to-suspicious average life story._

"There's two times of the year we can enter Hinamizawa. The festival and and the winter holiday. They're both hot. Not the best time of the year to approach the village." Said the bus driver.

"Don't worry 'bout it," Itsuki replied offering him a Twinkie, which the driver declined.

"I don't eat that stuff. You know I pulled a few espers here. Six months ago, I took a senior agent past the city of Gifu. He was a regular too. Heard he got his guts ripped out there," the driver continued on as he tuned in the radio for random J-pop. Itsuki never said anything but ate his Twinkie. He went back to the backseat, away from the sight of his friends, and took out the dossier he was given. _At first, I thought they handed me the wrong mission. I couldn't believe they sent me that little rural hell to pick up Arakawa. The Dam War from five years ago, Frank Cotton, the annual murders and disappearances and of particular interest, the Sonozaki family. I heard his voice on the tape and it really put the hook in me but I couldn't connect the voice with Arakawa's predicament. He apparently was on one of the biggest cases the Organization was about crack. He returned from duty over there and presented a classified report to the higher ups. Seems they didn't dig what he had to tell them. I wonder what did he see on his first assignment?_.

After that, Itsuki retired to his bed in the hotel. Kyokn, however, slept on the floor, not wanting to stay with the esper on the same bed.

* * *

**Alex Mason and Jason Hudson are the main protagonists and playable characters of the upcoming FPS game, Call of Duty: Black Ops. The Hongkong comment of Kyon is a refence to the Black Ops level Numbers, which is bound to be more controversial than Modern Warfae 2's No Russian level. The Bate's Overlook Inn is a reference to both Pyscho andThe Shining. The missions Itsuki refers to are the episodes in the series where he played a significant role(, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 5, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 6, Mystérique Sign, Remote Island Syndrome Part 1 and 2)I wonder what's Mason's connection to Kyon? I'll try to write more. References to Hannibal and the Soup Nazi. Will Itsuki find the butler and solve the mystery? Find out on the next chapter... and the next one.**

**Read and review, people. I wanna know if what I wrote is totally crappy.**


	4. A Stupid Filler Trailer

**A Stupid Filler/Trailer**

**For those who don't understand, Some of the quotes used in my story are from Full Metal Jacket and Apocalypse Now obtained from IMDB and a website containing a transcript of one of the movies. ****I'm thankful for them**. And Becket is the playable character of FEAR 2. He was literally raped by a ghost. And I forgot to include another movie, Oliver Stone's Platoon. And this is very screwy trailer.  


_Adagio for Strings play..._

Itsuki woke up from his sleep and looked out from his hotel window. He though of one thing: getting back into the village.

Haruhi tells the rest of the brigade, "Saddle up! Lock and load!"

At Firebase Haruhistan...

Churuya and Achakura are busy setting up sandbags around the camp. Achakura asked, "We still have more sand from the digging last night. How are we gonna get rid of it all in time?"

"Don't worry, Achakura. I've got a plan." Churuya grinned creepily as they filled yet another one.

Walking to Hinamizawa...

Kyon narrates in his mind,_ Somebody once wrote: 'Hell is the impossibility of reason.' That's what this place feels like. Hell_.

The scene switches to the river of the festival with the Brigage walking along the banks. _The village, which had stood for maybe a thousand years, didn't know we were coming to play that day. If they had, they would've run. Haruhi was the eye of her rage. And through her, our captain Ahab, we would screw things wrong yet again. That day she sucked us._

In a dream, Itsuki faced Col. Kurtz, who said, "Free your mind, Itsuki, your cute little ass will follow."

"_AAAAHHHHHHHH!_" Taniguchi screamed as he got raped by water balloons and squirt guns in slow motion and he kneeled and raised his hands to the sky in an uber dramatic way.

A flashback in Vietnam, "Let's do this whole fucked-up village!" Mason began killing villagers for fun with the Huey's minigun.

Rika gives an ominous warning, "A lie is a lie."

As for Rena, "I'm taking her home! Omochikaeri!"

An argument...

Kyon said, "This is bad, Haruhi. I've got bad vibes here."

Haruhi shouted, "We don't know shit, Kyon, and chances are we're gonna run into something. Think about it."

He bitched, "That's just great, Whadda you want me to do? Send my ass out to get zapped so Itsuki Koizumi just in from the world can get his beauty sleep? Nah!"

She replied, "Hey, take a break! You don't have to be a biatch every day of your life, you know."

Kunikida watched as they left Kyon and Taniguchi in the camp, "I'm glad I ain't going with them. Somewhere out there is the beast and he's hungry tonight."

Yuki added, "They're gonna get raped anyway."

Shion goes crazy...

Shion shouted, "She's taking my Satoshi! I'll kill her!" She looked at the floor and screamed, "I HATE FLOORS!"

Shattered dreams...

Keiichi gasped, "Blast! My dreams of making out with Miss Ass-hina's boobs and getting free tacos have been shattered." _Song ends... _

The cynic snaps...

Kyon smiled like a psycho. "I'm gonna tear you a new asshole!" He challenged.

"Well, little bitch." Keiichi replied, "Only after you suck the cream lemon out of my oranges!"_ Heavns Divide begins..._

The Rubick's Cube from hell...

"Rika, I've got something important to show you!" Hanyuu shrieked.

"This better be good, Hanyuu," Rika whined, "You're interrupting my early morning happy hour."

"Look," the horned little girl hands her over an innocent looking puzzle box.

"What? A Rubick's Cube!" Rika snapped.

"It's not just any Rubick's cube. It's a gateway to hell!" She warned as several scenes of the story of the story are flashed, including the festival, the clinic and the hotel.

_Petals of white_

Itsuki feels crazy...

He stood in front of the class of Miss Rumiko, "You are despicable little liars!" The class simply smiled with innocent clueless eyes.

Taniguchi eats at Angel Mort...

"It tastes like diabetes!" He screamed.

South Park comes to town...

Cartman said, "Sorry, Kyle. No Jews allowed at this point."

"Dammit, Cartman," Kyle retorted. Kenny muttered something.

"Hey," Stan said, "Kenny said that Oyashiro-sama is Lord Jesus in Japanese."

_Cold as the dark_

Romance...

"You're my little flower, Satoko," Butters proclaimed to Satoko at the overlook of the village as the sun dropped, "From this day forward my love for you shall be always be eternal."

"Butters," his dad called, "Get your ass over here." The gentle boy went to his dad. He continued, "Son, we're here on a trip sponsored by the state of Colorado, not on a sex tour for underaged Asian whores."

"Yes, dad," Butters forlornly agreed.

A culinary fascist...

The Soup Nazi passes out cups of soup to Angle Mort employees before Itsuki's turn.

"Crab bisque, twenty yen," He announced to Itsuki.

"What?" he was puzzled, "How come they get this for fourteen?"

"No soup for _you!_" He snapped at Itsuki and gave him his cash, "Next!"

KFC...

"Where's my Kentucky Fuckin' Fried Chicken!" Kyon blurted at the hapless attendant as he gripped his collar menacingly. Then he realized his error, "Uh, I mean, Where's the colonel!"

_When heavens divide!_

The Irie clinic...

"AAAARRRGGHH!" Itsuki screamed as he ran out of the room, "Keep away from me, Dr. Teabagger!"

Yutaka Tamaru said to bunch of lounging espers in a closed space, "Shinjin don't surf!"

A dark secret...

"Look at all this intel Arakawa gathered," Itsuki said as he and Kyon searched his room, "He must have been have kidnapped for this." Something banged the door downstairs.

"Shit! Takano's commies are here!" Kyon muttered. "Police his papers and stuff! Don't leave nothin' for the cheese-dicks!"

Kyon's hints...

"Back in '64, the CIA gave up control of covert operations in South-East Asia... handed it over to the US military. From that, MAC,V-SOG's born." Kyon said to Itsuki when he asked about what's SOG.

Pumpkin pie...

"The pie is the key.." Col Kurtz lectured Itsuki.

Aboard the lesbian ship...

A a night at the dump, Rena said to her friend ,"I love this place at night. The _stars_... _there's_ no right or wrong in them. They're _just there_."

The wicker man...

"Tell me why are we burning Itsuki Koizumi in the scarecrow?" Rika asked.

"'Cause Nicholas Cage sucks." Mion replied as Kyon burned the bottom straws before he lit his Malboro while Itsuki screamed from the wicker head.

Onigafuchi flashback...

Everyone stood in front of Onigafuchi Marsh. While Mion and Rika tell them about its lore, Kyon is taken back to Perfume River. In it a Huey with a yellow-black horsehead shield got hit by an RPG and both Woods and Mason are screaming and hugging each other for dear life as it spun out of control until splashed dramatically into the water.

"Take a deep breath and hold it right before we go into the water!" Woods fast-talked to Mason, "The chopper will suck us down. Kick for the surface and keep kicking. Don't let go of my hand. We're gonna make it, Rose. Trust me!"

"I trust you but I'm not Rose and this ain't no Titanic!" Replied Mason, "And we don't hold fuckin' hands."

Detective Delicious...

"Detective Oiishi," Asked Itsuki at the noisy mahjong parlor, "I need to talk you."

"Not now," Replied the fat detective, "I'm far too busy being delicious."

Intrigue...

"I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits... pain and pleasure, indivisible." a mutilated Frank Cotton sighed to Julia as he appeared in front of her inside the Saiguden.

A dossier and PTSD...

"This is Mason's dossier," said General Shepherd, "We believe he is somehow involved with the Diclonius facility in Kamakura, Japan, believing he was in Rebirth Island.

"Is that an Elfen Lied refence, sir?" Itsuki asked.

"Goddamnit, don't interrupt me!"

The defection of Kunikida...

Kunikida's last words to Itsuki, "We live in a world where everything we know is wrong." Then he CQCed Itsuki's ass off the bridge Snake Eater-style.

Will they survive? Baka no Naku Koro ni coming soon. _When Heavens Divide... Song ends..._

"This is the most bullshit trailer I've ever read," Kyon bitched.

"Suck my balls," replied Anime Borat, "And grow a couple of nuts."

"I hang with honeys that are beyond fly". Kimura from Azumanga Daioh said.

"No, they don't, Mr. K," Anime Borat blurted, "You should be in Sex Rehab with Tiger Woods."

**Yeah, it's completely pointless crap I've just written for you to preview the next chapter. Please send me ideas. And for for all those horror fans and Azumanga fans, read the prologue arc of the M-rated Grimoire: The Lustbound Heart. Happy Halloween.  
**

**Trivia: ****CQC** (**Close Quarters Combat**) is a system of combined combat techniques which allow rapid alternation between armed and hand-to-hand combat while engaging enemy personnel first featured in Metal Gear Solid 3 while Col. Kurtz is the insane colonel of Apocalypse Now.

Songs used: Heavens Divide by Donna Burke(Peacewalker OST) and Adagio for Strings(Platoon OST).


	5. Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni

**Baka no Tsundere Naku Koro ni- When Morons and Tsunderes Cry**

**Material from the trailer may have been cancelled, altered, reattributed or otherwise changed.** **Black Ops is out now! Yay!** **Parodies of MGS3, School Days, 'Nam movies and Monty Python AND MUCH MORE.**

**I know the last three chapters suck somewhat due to the pace of the action but all of that has changed here. Sadly, no one researched the internet for movies and stuff the way I do. Special belated thanks to superstarultra for the first fave and SgtHydra for the first comment. I need honest reviews from you people 'cause I've released eight chapters already and I don't wanna feel it's a waste of time.**

The intro of Higurashi begins but instead of the Kai OP, _Naraku no Hana_, we got instead _Where Have All the Flowers Gone?_ Seriously, why this crap? Oh well...

_Where have all the flowers gone?  
Long time passing..._

We see Rika Furude and Hanyuu surrounded... Aw, skip it! Let's end the song and start the fic!

At his bed, Itsuki is having a dream of a typical esper mission. That amazing thing he showed to Kyon in the closed space was just another day at the office for him.

At a recently 'sanitized' closed space(that means they killed all the celestials, cruel esper butchers!) near the Sanzenin estate, Itsuki and the rest of the espers are having a barbecue, singing songs and drinking beer_. The Agency started out as a convention of paranormal research clubs that had cashed in their notebooks for abilities when Haruhi wanted espers, and gone tear-assing __around the space, looking for the shit. They've given Shinjin a few__ surprises in their time here. What they were mopping up now__ hadn't even happened an hour ago," _,Koizumi thought.

"I want my meat rare, rare but not cold," Yutaka Tamaru ordered to the cook. He was strumming his guitar with the other espers while Itsuki drank beers from a nearby cooler. The Sanzenin estate was a target of Haruhi's latest rage, having gotten recently in an ultra violent flame war with Nagi Sanzenin and also getting slapped hard by Sakuya Aizawa's big-assed paper fan. Another force, led by Sonou Mori, is sweeping up the closed space at Aizawa's place. He was thinking about something while the guys talked about Nagi Sanzenin.

"She's _so_ short," One laughed hard about Nagi's literal shortcomings.

"Yeah but her butler's one messed-up SOB. His parents sold him up to pay for their debts and now he has to work his entire life and ass off for her to pay it." Another guffawed loudly.

"What's the guy's name again?" A third asked, "Hayter? Hayate Isaac?"

"Who freakin' cares, man." Answered Yutaka.

"You won't believe that they sold him up for 150 million yen?" Said the second.

"What! Unbelievable!" Yutaka shouted, "They must be more fucked-up than those gay cowboys, huh?" He laughed so loudly that it echoed throughout the closed space. Meanwhile, Itsuki just received word that another closed space is cropping up. Another one of the smaller ones that they left alone and contained only with minimal force.

He approached him, "Yutaka, we have a situation developing somewhere out to sea." He handed him a laptop showing the map of the new space. Yutaka stopped merrymaking and looked at the screen. He frowned.

"That island you're pointing at is kinda hairy, Itsuki," Yutaka said.

"What do you mean hairy, sir ?" He asked puzzled.

"It's hairy. Got some pretty heavy energy there. I lost a few sliders there now and again. What's the name of that goddamn island? Rockerjam, Ryoko Gym? Damn privately-owned islands all sound the same." He then turned to one member of his posse, Archer from _Fata/Stay_, "Archer, do you know anything about that point at Rokkenjima?"

Archer replied, "Yes, sir. It's a fantastic peak."

"Peak?" His interest went up.

"About six foot. It's an outstanding peak. It's got both the long right and left side, with a bowl section that's unbelievable. It's just tube city." One thing about esper operations is that whenever a close space pops out somewhere, the Agency's people race there to kill celestials. A side benefit is that if the space is an alternate dimension of a scenic spot, they party afterwards before they destroy it. It most certainly beats going to the beach or planning a vacation to some far-off paradise since it's cheap very compared to the real thing, thanks to economic buttsecks from Wall Street(when he's not torturing or raping people in Silent Hill, Pyramid Head works as an investment banker in New York). And many like surfing though sadly for them, any closed space with a beach they ever came is total crap.

Yutaka raged, " Well, why didn't you tell me that before, a good peak? There aren't any good peaks in every shitty coastal closed space we came. It's all goddamned beach break!"

"It's really hairy in there, sir. That's where we lost Souji Seta while he was flying like crazy. They shot the hell out of us there. That's Shinjin's point." Archer cautiously.

"Whose island is it anyway?" Asked Rise Kujikawa, AKA Risette.

"Some rich family named the Ushiromiyas," answered Itsuki, "Apparently, one of their scions, Battler, pissed Miss Suzumiya on the existence of aliens in MySpace. When they made a bet, he shouted 'Objection!', pissing her off."

"So she wants to destroy that little private island? I ain't surprised." Orange-kun commented.

Itsuki looked at Yutaka and suggested, "Sir, we can go there tomorrow at dawn. We can catch them off-guard in the morning."

"We may not be able to catch all of them with their pants down." Orange-kun added, "There's just to damn many of them."

Yutaka pauses for a moment to consider. "We'll get ready at the first light of dawn and land on them like hard pigeon crap. We are the Agency, people. Espers! We can take that point and hold it just as long as we like, and we can get any place up that island that suits us all. Hell, a six-foot peak!" He turned to Itsuki, "Koizumi, go with Archer and let him pick out a board for you. And bring me my Yater Spoon, the eight-six. Hey, everybody! We're gonna surf!" Many espers cheered hysterically like fangirls of bishonen anime.

Archer hesitated, he could barely move. Yutaka looked at him, "What is it, Archer?"

He warned, "It's pretty hairy in there. It's Shinjin's Point."

Yutaka shouted, obviously tired of his worried whining, "Shinjin don't surf!" Everyone packed up and began leaving.

The next morning at the assembly area and under the predawn darkness, the espers got ready to fly to the closed space. All of them began charging up Dragonball-style. Others load themselves on mecha rip-offs coming from Gundam, Code Geass and Evangelion. As they did, Yutaka, wearing a Stetson hat; khaki pants with boots and a pink T-shirt that said I LOVE OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB and sunglasses, turned to Randy Orton piloting a Glasgow, "How are you feeling, Randy?"

"Like a mean motherfucker, sir!" He replied excitedly.

"Okay, everyone," Said Ric Flair, "Saddle up! Lock and load!" Everyone lifted off and began flying in attack formation into the rising sun just like in that _Band of Brothers_ scene where those planes flew into the night, only it took place in daytime.

Minutes later...

The espers flew over the over the sea like UFOs on their final approach to Rokkenjima. Yutaka said to Itsuki, "It's a Godsend that we got a beach with good surfing waves for free. I wanna surf in Hawaii or LA but the goddamned world economy crapped all over us last 2008."

"I know," Itsuki replied, "I can't even book a flight to New York without looking at my check book every now and then. And I had to switch to Geico fifteen times to save money on my life insurance."

A Gundam esper reported to Yutaka, "We've got it spotted," confirming that they've spotted the island.

"Put on heading 270, assume attack formation.," Yutaka responded over the radio.

"That's a roger. Ok, we're going in," the pilot acknowledged.

He turned back to Itsuki, "We'll come in low, out of the rising sun, and about a mile out, we'll put on the music."

"Music?" Itsuki asked.

"Yeah, I use Wagner - scares the hell out of the shins! My boys love it !" He then began giving the orders as they entered the closed space, "Teabag Thrust, put on psy war op. Make it loud. This is a Romeo Fox Trot. Shall we dance?" As soon as he said it, the mechas turned on their loudspeakers and began playing Richard Wagner's _Ride of The Valkyries_, making it feel like a total rip-off of the Apocalypse Now helicopter scene. Someone should seriously sue the author of this fic.

At the island in the middle of the closed space, the Celestials are enjoying lounging around the place before they destroy it under Haruhi's rage. Only it won't be a walk in the park for them when one Shinjin spotted the espers.

"Shit! It's the crack angels! Run for you're lives!" It shouted, waking them the rest up from their violent destruction filled fantasies. It wasn't kidding when they appeared in the cold blue sky since they really looked like angels on crack. Then came the violent attack scene that's full of orgasmic explosions. The Shinjin began rising out to meet them and espers got closer and closer... closer... while Wagner's work played on...

_BOOM!_

The invading crack angels fired at the offensive shapeless blobs. Some tried to smack them but espers began piercing through them while their mechas provide covering fire, the mansion's windows explode with more Celestials, man-sized, jumping into the ground, some of the mecha pilots firing their weapons on the Celestials enjoyed the vibration of their weapons as they mowed them down. Frantic radio calls everywhere as some espers are taking fire from the ground while others are reporting scoring hits. The song blared maniacally. Other espers and mechas land on the island and began fighting the other Celestials.

"Run, Shinjin!" shouted Archer.

"We're over the mansion right now," said Oji Karasuma to Yutaka when he saw something from the caved-in roof of the mansion, "We're gonna check it out." When he saw who it is, he added.

"I think I see a person down, I'm gonna check it out." He said, surprised.

"Well done, Karasuma. Well done." He ordered to a Knightmare Frame, "want some plasma cannons right along those tree-lines. Ripple the shit out of them."

"Got a man in the room," Ric said, "An esper inside. They're moving him out."

"Roger. Clear the area. I'm coming down myself." He replied and turned to Itsuki, "Don't these amorphous beings ever give up?" He then dived and shot laser balls out of his hands killing them. At the mansion some espers alight to the man inside and found out it is Souji Seta, screaming after having spent weeks in the closed space as a Celestial butt-love slave.

"Please, don't touch me! Please! Don't touch me! No! NO! Keep your dirty hands away from me!" he screamed hysterically as they pinned him on the ground. Just as they did, a Celestial popped out.

"ALALALALALALAH!" It ululated and exploded, killing them.

"Death to America! Uh, I mean, death to espers!" Shouted another. Then it got its ass blasted to kingdom come by a cannon, what's left of it is large smoking crater. Meanwhile, Itsuki and Yutaka flew over the water.

"What do you think?" He asked excitedly.

Itsuki replied enthusiastically, "It's really exciting, man!"

"No, no! The waves!" He pointed to the water.

"Oh, right." Itsuki stood corrected.

He went on, "Look at that, breaks both ways. Watch. Look! Good six-foot swells!" He made a motion of the waves splitting apart, "_Whoosh!_"

They landed and joined the rest of the espers mopping up the ground opposition. They both surveyed the battlefield.

"Incoming!" shouted an esper. Everyone dove except Yutaka as a large rock misses them by bare inches. Everyone got up thinking it's safe but a handful of them several yards behind got hit by a flying Gundam flung by Shinjin, exploding and sending blood and guts everywhere.

"This L.Z. is still pretty hot, sir. Maybe you ought to surf somewhere else." Said Archer landing beside Yutaka.

"What do you know about surfing, Archer? You're from the goddamn future," The crazy pink T-shirt wearing esper replied, annoyed. He whistled over to two espers, "I wanna see how rideable that stuff is. Go change."

"It's till pretty hairy out there, sir." Replied one of them. At the back, an Eva is humping a Shinjin at the rear end.

"You wanna surf, boys?" He asked. They nodded meekly. Satisfied, he went on, "That's good son, because you either surf or fight. That clear?" They nodded again.

"Go on, get going." He ordered. They ran to the water uneasily with surf boards.

"Don't you think it's a little risky for R&R ?" Itsuki asked worriedly. The two surfing espers were promptly eaten by large sharks, their high-pitched girlish screams of agony ignored in the heat of battle.

Yutaka replied, tough-guy style, "If I say it's safe to surf this beach, Koizumi - it's safe to surf this beach. I'm not afraid to surf this place, I'm not afraid to surf this fucking place." He stripped off that T-shirt and hat. Then he went to an esper with a radio on his back. "Give me that R-T, boy."

He ordered a radio message to a mecha, "Blah, blah-blah-blah. Blah, blah. Bomb 'em back to the stone age, son." The mecha, a Gundam, dropped a big barrel of gunpowder with a smoking fuse on the center of the island. It exploded in a mushroom cloud rocking the island, killing all the Shinjin... and any espers and mechas still in the air. Everywhere, the Agency espers and Mecha pilots cheered like idiots despite the heavy loss of over 9 million personnel.

An esper screamed, "AHHH! IT BURRRNS!"

The victory beach party in the Rokkenjima closed space was fantastic! Lounging in the beach listening to Beach Boys, playing volleyball, building sand castles, fishing, paragliding, barbecues, lighting up fireworks and cruising through the waves with a cold blue sky in the background.

"Hey, this feels like surfing on Neptune, man!" Archer said as he rode the waves.

"Hell no, this feels like surfing on Uranus!" Blurted Karasuma cruising beside him. At the beach Yutaka is relaxing on the sand with his stinky feet spread out.

"You like this, Itsuki?" He asked, sunglasses obscured his eyes.

"Feels pretty great," He replied as he opened a can of Budweiser, "It's like your having an outer space summer party."

"I hope this never ends, Koizumi. I hope this never ends." Yutaka obviously enjoyed the perks due to lax disciplinary measures set up by the Agency. Itsuki meditated, _If that's how Yutaka fought the Celestials, I began to wonder why we really have to watch Haruhi Suzumiya 24/7. It wasn't just instability and Genkiness, there was enough of that to go around for everyone._ He looked at the dark blue sky as everyone just partied until... strumming of guitars and the blowing of trumpets...

_I can't get no satisfaction_  
_I can't get no satisfaction_  
_'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try_  
_I can't get no, I can't get no_

The beginning lyrics of _Satisfaction_ prompted him to pop awake. The song was playing loudly from Kyon's Ipod. He breathed heavily.

_When I'm drivin' in my car_  
_And the man comes on the radio_  
_He's tellin' me more and more_  
_About some useless information_  
_Supposed to drive my imagination_

Kyon is standing near the mirrror in the bathroom. He turned to Itsuki, "Koizumi, you're awake. Better get some chow 'cause were taking another sweep into that village."

"Oh, yeah. Right." The cynic reminded him of his mission. As he got up and went down with him to fill his stomach, he though of one thing: getting back into the village. Meanhile, Kyon went down and got some chow with the rest of his friends. _  
_

Haruhi announced, "Today is day one of our mission. Our first order of the day is to continue our investigation of the murders."

"You mean to start our investigation," Kyon butted in, "We barely start anything yesterday. All we got is a brief tour of the village and an introduction of the local tourism committee."

"Yeah, they've lead us away from the real deal. The murders!" She stood up and thrust a fork into the air.

"Hey, don't rush. That was some mandatory PR they did. You don't like it when someone's dissing your home." He deadpanned. He doesn't want his fine breakfast to be ruined.

"Or looking into his dirty little secrets." Haruhi sang.

"You're hooked to those murders are you, and especially the disappearance of that tourist."

"Hey, is it too much to ask. The case is closed but still fresh. And it may propel us to fame!"

"Shouldn't we leave it to the authorities? It's a bit crazy to do that on our own." Kyon suggested.

"Kyon," Haruhi looked at Kyon with suspicious eyes, "We can't trust the authorities. They don't like independent investigators like us and may even be bought off by the perps of the crime."

"Oh, brother," He muttered in frustration facepalming.

"It's no real matter.

"Regardless, we gotta be cautious," Itsuki reminded. "I don't think the locals like it when we butted in like rabid buffaloes into the matter."

Kyon turned to Tsuruya, "Tsuruya, where'd you get the idea about going to Hinamizawa, anyway?"

"It's a long story but I'll tell anyway, nyoro," She said happily. Then she recounted the tale.

**Ten days ago at school...**

Tsuruya was finally able to go home to school when she encountered a women on her way to the cheese shop. She looked a bit MILFy and wore a a pink dress with a wide white sun hat.

"Good afternoon, miss," the woman greeted her.

"Good afternoon, nyoro," She returned the greeting.

"Um, are you Miss Tsuruya?" She asked politely.

"Yes?" SHe chirped revealing her fang, "What's cooking?"

"Are you a part of the SOS Brigade?"

"No but I'm one of its sponsors."

"Oh, I saw you on the back of a DVD film called the Adventures of Mikuru Asawhatsoever."

"That's Asahina, lady!" Tsuruya snapped a bit, not liking anyone to diss her friends name despite the fact she pimped her to Haruhi.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, "my name is Julia Cotton. And I need their assistance."

"What for, nyoro?" She asked.

"Please look at this, Miss Tsuruya," Julia Cotton said sadly. She handed her some newspapers. It read, BRITISH TOURIST DISAPPEARS ON LOCAL FESTIVAL. Another read, FOREIGNER FEARED DEAD, MURDERED, ANTI-DAM FACTIONS TO BLAME. A third one read, JAPAN AND BRITAIN ALMOST DECLARE WAR OVER TOURIST ROW. "These were from last year." Tsuruya read the fourth one, a British tabloid, CHAP VANISHED IN JAPAN LIKES THINGS KINKY.

"You know this guy?" She asked, no change in her cheery voice.

"He's a relative of mine," She replied. "I'm told his body was never found. But I don't believe it." Her voice raged, "And to top it all off, the tabloids all came along, concocting all kinds of stories about him. It's very repulsive of them."

She looked at her, "Wooh, I see. So want the SOS Brigade to solve his disappearance?"

"Yes," her voice was a bit stronger, "Solve his murder and clear his name. I want him justice for him."

"I see," Tsuruya said, "I'll see if there available for this summer."

"Please tell them to call off all their other appointments." She pleaded, "I want this resolved before the trail goes cold and justice is lost forever. How much should I pay them?"

"Pay, huh? I'll tell Haru-nyan about it and you can keep your pay until we solve it."

"Thank you, Oh thank you, I'll pay them four times then I planned to right now."

"Okay, I'll be on my way to the cheese shop. I'll be sure to tell her before summer starts. Bye!" She waved her good bye and went on to get her daily supply of smoked cheese. Julia cotton smiled evilly, _Don't worry, my Frank. We'll be together again. I've got rid of my idiot husband and your snotty niece Kirsty. I love you Frank._

**End of story...**

"What!" Haruhi almost screamed, "You didn't bring her to me?"

"What was I supposed to do," Tsuruya chirped, "I gotta get my daily those of cheese."

"You should skipped the cheese and brought her to me. I should have had her down payment."

"I'm sponsoring the trip so you don't have to worry about expenses. We'll divide the dough when we find that tourist guy."

"Okay, good point." Haruhi happily agreed. She then turned to the rest of the Brigade, "Okay, everyone. Today, enjoy your breakfast 'cause tonight, we dine in hell!"

"We're going to Hinamizawa, Haruhi, not hell," Kunikda reminded her.

"Oh, yeah," Haruhi went back on track, "Let's just finish our food and get dressed." Everyone finished their food and left the table. She then turned to Mikuru, "But for you, Mikuru, I've got a special dress for you."

"I think I'll pass..." Mikuru said daintily, knowing what would happen next.

"Come on, Mikuru, You'll look adorable in it." She then pounced on the moe ginger. Then came a scuffle filled with Haruhi's giggles and Mikuru's cries and screams.

"No! Miss Suzumiya! Please!" She wailed.

"I'm just here to help you put it on," Haruhi whined. As they continued to do this, Kyon went to the bathroom to pick some pills from his pocket. When he opened it, he realized it was empty, MUCH TO HIS HORROR!

_What!_ he thought. He dug into his pockets. Empty again! He went out to get his bag and ransacked it. Nothing. _SHI__T! This can't be!_ The only reason he was able to keep himself under control under the rambunctious Haruhi and tolerate the insanity around him are his anti-psychotic pills. He could not stand a week with Haruhi after Endless Eight without them and something more. Something he had hid for so long. He started to hyperventilate, knowing he had to make do with something. He reached into his full medkit and grabbed a bottle full of anti-stress pills. They suck compared to his counter-psycho meds but they'll have to do. He popped some into his mouth and took a swig from his canteen.

**At Firebase Haruhistan...**

The chibis had been digging all night with Mr. Kimidori, Shamisen, and Muu-chan. It's been one long for them 'cause their eyes are all red and bleary. But Churuya doesn't seem tired at all. Her red and bleary eyes make her look evil. They've set the camp into a fortress, which would have impressed Haruhi for sure. The entire gang was all pooped up but Churuya and Achakura are still busy setting up sandbags. She asked, "We still have more sand from the digging last night. How are we gonna get rid of it all in time?"

"Don't worry, Achakura. I've got a plan." Churuya grinned creepily as they filled yet another one. Meanwhile, some thugs in gray jumpsuits are watching them in the foliage.

**Marching into town...**

He thought, _Somebody once wrote: 'Hell is the impossibility of reason.' That's what this place feels like. Hell. I hate it already and it's only been a day. Some goddamn day, Imouto ..._, he checked the time in his watch, It's 8:30 AM. He went on, ... _the hardest thing I think I've ever done is to go on point, as many as three times per adventure - I don't even know what I'm doing. A goon from the village could be standing 3 feet in front of me and I wouldn't know it, I'm so tired. According to her schedule, we get up at 5 a.m., hump all day, go back at around 4 or 5 p.m., exchange clues and theories, eat, then put out an all-night ambush or a 2-man listening post at the edge of the village. It's scary cause nobody tells me how to do anything cause we're new and the villagers don't care about us outsiders, they don't even want to know your name. The unwritten rule is an outsider's life in Hinamizawa isn't worth as much cause he hasn't put his time in yet - and they say if you're gonna get killed in the 'Nam it's better to get it in the first few weeks and be instant, the logic being: you don't suffer that much. I can believe that ... If you're lucky you get to stay in the hotel at night and then you pull a 3-hour guard shift, so maybe you sleep 3-4 hours a night, but you don't really sleep ... I don't think I can keep this up for a week, Imouto - I think I've made a big mistake coming here ... Aw, hell. Haruhi forced me into this shit anyway._ _  
_

The brigade trudged along the road when. Mikuru wept like a baby, "Miss Suzumiya, this is embarrassing."

"Don't say that, Mikuru. You're the SOS Brigade mascot and it's your duty to promote the Brigade everywhere we go. And we have to dress you up real nice so everyone with sway their heads to us." She pointed her finger flamboyantly to the direction of the village with one hand on her hip. Mikuru cried even more.

"I feel so wonderful today," Taniguchi chimed happily, "The birds are in the air and the sun is shining, plus I'm not wearing that sailor uniform anymore."

Tsuruya looked at him with a catlike smile, "Hey, Tani-kun, wanna play poker again?"

"Sorry, I'm not in a mood for poker today," He replied happily.

"Okay, but I'll give you this Hustler magazine if you win." She tempted him with an extra provocative issue of the mag.

"Sorry, but I cannot ruin this wonderful day with my penchant for porn." He sang back. Tsuruya grumbled, seeing no opportunity to torment him. Meanwhile, Kyon and Itsuki filled in the blanks in their situation.

"So... he investigated an anomaly involving this town, right?" Kyon asked.

"Exactly, but we need to find Arakawa's whereabouts to know more."

"We could asked some the villagers. And we can move to town after that."

"Alright, but we need to be discreet. We can't trust some of them. Especially, those kids."

"Understood. Eyes open."

"And we should try to keep Suzumiya-san safe-"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you." Kyon replied sourly. He hates Haruhi and doesn't want to hear another word about keeping her safe. He turned to Yuki, "Yuki, sense anything wrong?"

"Yes," she replied, "There's a presence of an unknown force here. We should be careful. It's quite powerful and... kinky."

"Alright, everyone," Kyon said to the other two. Let's keep our shit tight. Stay frosty." They marched down the road during this sunny morning. A morning that lies about the craziness and black comedy coming for them.

**Earlier at Rika's house... **

5:35 AM. The sun is rising and Rika Furude woke up ahead of Satoko and Satoshi, their legal guardian, so she could her early morning happy hour. She rummaged through the fridge for an expensive German Bernkastel.

_POP!_

The cork flew and now she's drinking to her health. "Ah," she sighed with satisfaction, "nothing like a good red wine to start the day." She sipped some more when Hanyuu whined.

"Hau~, hau~! Rika, I've got something important to show you!" she shrieked.

"This better be good, Hanyuu," Rika frowned, "You're interrupting my early morning happy hour." She doesn't like it when that happens.

"Quick, I'll show to the shed." They both walked out of the house and into the Saiguden with Rika trudging drowsily, pissed about Hanyuu. They realized that the lock's broken.

"Someone broke into the shed," Hanyuu whined like a baby.

"What? Why would anyone break in there? It's just torture equipment that would put the Spanish Inquisition to shame." Rika complained.

Then three priest dressed in red jumped in front of them and shouted, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

They were both suprised, "What the hell!"

Father Micheal Palin said, "Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again-"

"Hey, hey, wait a minute," Rika butted in, "What the hell are you all doing here? I didn't even said 'I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.'"

The three priests were brought back to their senses, "Really?" They said in unison.

"Yeah, and this is the wrong show you're on," she continued.

They looked at each other in and let out an embarrassed, "Okay..." They jumped back to the bushes.

"I'm glad that's over," Hanyuu said. They went on their business and opened it, revealing in the dawn light the wonderful collection of torture instruments it contained. In the center of the room is a bag.

"Look," Hanyuu said, pointing to the bag. They saw bloody scratch marks near it.

"What happened here? Did you do this, Hanyuu?" She asked in a dead serious tone. "You know how hard it is to clean this place up during the spring."

"Hau~ no, Rika. That's why I brought you here," she whimpered again. They both went to the bag and rummaged through its contents. Among of them were condoms, an BDSM magazine called Dicks and Whips, Marquis de Sade's _The 120 Days of Sodom_ and it's sequel, _240 Days with Dokura-chan... Yeah, God Hates Me_, some gay porn, a map, a tour book and some Viagra.

"Jesus Christ, this guy's a total sicko. Was he looking for an Hook and Whip club here?" Then a glint of light caught Hanyuu's sight. She stepped forward and saw a puzzle box. The horned deity felt shivers down her spine when she saw it. She picked it up and turned to Rika.

"Look Rika," she handed her the box.

Rika's eyes widened with disbelief and snapped, "What! A Rubik's Cube! You interrupted my drinking session for a goddamned puzzle box?"

"It's not just any Rubik''s Cube and he never even made this thing!" she warned, "it's a gateway to hell!"

"You mean that thing's a-" But before Rika could continue, the rooster crowed, "Oh shit! I gotta clean up before Satoshi wakes up and prepares breakfast." She doesn't like to get caught with an alcoholic drink on the table. She and Hanyuu hastily tidied everything up and ran back into the house.

**Back to the later timeline...**

The party went to the camp and there eyes were wide open when they saw it: the camp is fortress with a sandbag-reinforced trench circling a half-buried sandbag-and-log bunker. Barbed wires covered the edges of the trench and two tents flanked the bunker. The entire camp's festooned with foliage and camo netting; the signpost on the bunker's entrance read 'SOS BRIGADE'. Haruhi was impressed. Her bulged with surprise.

"OMG! That's wonderful!" She was breathless.

"That's nothing, Haruhi-san," Said a dirty Achakura coming out of one of the tents. "We learned it from worse case scenario training."

"Yeah, we did it with all the goodness of our hearts," Said Churuya, also dirt-stained, coming out with her.

"Splendid! I hereby declare you members of the SOS Brigade!" She raised her hands skyward like Heil Hitler salute.

"Um, Haruhi, they're already members," Kyon reminded her. "They've been hanging around with us since the club started."

"Kyon," Haruhi fumed, "These people have never been included in the official roster. Now, they earned it for tirelessly giving their services to me, doing better than you. Now move your ass in and get us settled." Kyon grumbled as he moved in first. He stepped in and...

"AAAAHHH!" He screamed as a leaf-covered lasso caught his ankle and flung him into the air, his voice echoing until until he landed hard in the distance.

"Ops, I should told him where our traps are," Churuya chuckled with a finger on her lip.

"Wow..." The god commented, "Lead the way."

"Okay," said Achakura, "this way, please." She lead them through the camp and into the bunker.

After a rather awkward silence, Kunikida approached Haruhi, "Um, Haruhi, can I go get Kyon?" Haruhi mulled over that question for while before she approved.

"Sure, I've got more shit that needs to be done," she begrudgingly approved. She does need Kyon for other stuff. At that Kunikida went off to find Kyon. As some he found him, the first on sight meeting has began.

"Okay," Haruhi began, "Our first order of the day is to gather intel about the current situation. We know a tourist had disappeared last year. Does anyone else have any ideas?" She looked at everyone inside the bunker. Mikuru is preparing tea in the background the way British Tommies did back in North Africa... with sand and motor oil.

"Yeah," said Kyon, "from what I've heard, the murders have started four years ago. During the dam dispute where some guys where out drinking, got a little too much and killed each other. It's been the trend ever since, murder and insanity."

"That's good, Kyon," she replied considerably impressed, "You did your research quite well."

"I would have never done it if we didn't know that we'll be coming here," he deadpanned.

"Okay," she continued, "anybody else have ideas?"

"Yes," Itsuki raised his hand, "I'm thinking about how are we gonna find this Frank Cotton guy."

"That's easy. We will just asked questions about his whereabouts and activities prior to his vanishing."

"Shouldn't we be a little more discreet." The cynic cautioned. Kyon distrusted country hics for reasons we will explore later on. "How about those fucked-up villagers?"

"Kyon's right, we can't repeat what happened yesterday," Itsuki joined in, "they may feel suspicious about us. I wouldn't surprised if they're on to us now." Just as he said it, everyone turned their heads to the window and saw two silhouettes diving quickly into the bush. Then they continued.

"And don't forget about they promised to continue the tour for us yesterday," Kyon added, "we could get some valuable info about our situation. After that we'll have to resort to covert means of intel-gathering."

"That's a great idea, Kyon," Haruhi exclaimed, "whoever thought of that."

Mikuru lurched forward and said, "What about the people here? I think I'm scared of them."

"Yeah... you're quite right." Haruhi thought about that. Then she smiled, "Then we could use you as bait to draw the culprits out." Mikuru whimpered and quivered in fright. She does not like being turned into slasher movie bait.

Taniguchi looked at Mikuru leeringly, "Don't worry, Mikuru. I'm right by your side." He had smile that was supposed to make girls faint in ecstasy but instead, would make women scream 'bloody murder'.

Haruhi fumed when the playboy leaned to her moe bimbo and said, "On second thought, we could use _you_ as bait." She gave him dagger looks. Taniguchi felt the life drain out of him and felt his hands cupping his crotch. Surely, Haruhi would castrate him if he approached Mikuru like that again. Tsuruya, ignoring Tani, raised her hand.

"Okay, Haruhi, how about smoked cheese?" She asked, "is there any smoked cheese?"

"You didn't pack any of that stuff before we left, do you?" She asked with one eyebrow raised.

"No," LOL Fang-tan answered happily with all honesty.

"Sorry, they don't have that stuff here." Haruhi replied.

"Nyoron~", she wailed. No smoked cheese? Poor Tsuruya. She'll have to settle with the ordinary variety.

"And anything else?" The Brigadefuhrer looked around the bunker for anyone with ideas. Yuki raised her hand.

"Yes, Yuki. What kind of ideas do you have?" She asked her.

"We should watch out for the Sonozaki Family. I have a feeling they're running this show." She replied quietly.

"Really...?" Haruhi contemplated the thought and it hit her, "You're right, Yuki! We should have suspected that Mion girl in the first place!"

_Oh really_, Kyon thought with sarcasm, _Mion looked like she command an army way better than you, Haruhi_.

_I heard that_, Haruhi mentally replied to Kyon.

_Fuck._

"So, Yuki. How sure are you?" She continued with here.

"About 98.54567890 percent," she replied. Meanwhile, Itsuki has a random flashback about how Makoto Ito stole the Temporal Plane Destruction Device from Mikuru and got more than what he bargained for.

**Metal Gear Makoto: Death Eraser**

_Terminator theme... Ta-dum, Ta-ta-dum Ta-dum Ta-ta-dum_

In a jungle, a flash and sphere of light appeared a la Terminator in a clearing. It created in electrical storm that lasted for a few seconds before revealing a crouched figure clad in an old-fashioned Japanese boys' uniform or _gakuran_. He slowly stood up and it is revealed that he is Makoto Ito, mild-mannered school boy and lover of many. His mission: changed the past. He had his head looped off by an insane Kotonoha, got stabbed to death by Sekai, watched them commit suicide, or got his head blown off by Setsuna's dad's shotgun after getting her pregant and then some. No longer. He will changed the past once and for all.

_Terminator theme stops... _

With his head up high in resolve, wanting to undo the wrongs he had done in his life.. and try some new sex moves. He stole a time device from a ginger maid when he infiltrated a gathering in a another school. He was able to get away from a mad yellow ribbon-headed girl with only minutes to spare. He wore the _gakuran_ to give him some anonymity when he entered a cosplay cafe as Sosuka Sagara in the North High Culture Fest. He surveyed the area and looked at the TPDD. He realized with shock about his error... he was in 1964, The Soviet Union.

"SHIT! I DIDN'T SET THE TIME AND COORDINATES RIGHT!" He looked at the TPDD's interface so he find some instructions on how to work it when a young Relvover Ocelot came with a squad came out of the bushes.

"Who the hell is this, guy?" Said the pistol-spinning Spetnasz to one of his men.

"I don't know, sir," replied a soldier, "maybe one of the Boss' men." Makoto realized that he is in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. He made on his best CQC pose to intimidate them.

"Don't try me, I know CQC," he warned.

"Oh yeah," Ocelot replied, "I can bust a cap on your ass before you do." Good point. He's got his two Colt Single Action Army pistols pointed at him.

"Okay... maybe we got off on the wrong foot... My name is Makoto Ito, Mr. Ocelot-," But before he can conclude, some shots rang out.

"Shit! It's Snake!" Shouted Ocelot. He and his men return fire.

"Oh look at the time," Makoto said to them, "I have to go now! Bye!" He made a 360 dgree turn and run as fast as he could, leaving speed lines.

Upon realizing that Makoto is trying to get away, he ordered to two Spetnasz guys, "You two, don't let him getaway!"

Yes, sir!" They both replied as they gave chase. The scene switched to gameplay as Makoto's his alert level is 99.99 and enemy soldiers chased him. He checked his inventory. Only the TPDD is in it. What's he gonna do now? Just this. Makoto quickly crouched down and let the soldiers pass, he waited until his alert went down to zero. He then CQCed the last soldier to leave until he gave out floating boxes that contained weapons and ammo. He picked them up and acquired an AK47, a M1911A1 and some grenades. He turned to a trail where he fought a squad, buying him some time and raising his alert level again. Toggling his first- and third-person view modes to alternatively fight and get away, he reached a camp in the woods and hid in a warehouse. Meanwhile, the soldiers are frustrated at letting him get away.

"Where'd he go?" Shouted one of them as the combed the camp. As they searched the warehouse, they noticed nothing unusual save for a cardboard box. Question marks appear over their heads as they checked the box. Inside, Makoto is struggling to operate the TPDD. He was halfway through when flipped it open.

He looked at them with abashed looks, "Uh... hello, comrades?" He smiled nervously.

They laughed evilly and said, "Hello, to you too. We have someone who likes to meet you." He gulped as he thought of Volgin, the sadistic, bisexual, GRU colonel who control electricity and is the game's second to last boss. But the TPDD is ready and he could leave now.

"Oh look at the time," he said to them excitedly, "gotta go!"

"Hey! You're going anywhere-!" But they got fried when he disappeared in a ball of lightning. Now he reappeared in Volgin's base... in the middle of the most epic chase and battle ever.

"Oh shit, not again!" He muttered as Naked Snake and Eva wheezed by him by motorcycle... and Volgin's Shagohod as rushing at him like a raging bull. Snake fired his RPG at it and scored a hit-inches away from Makoto's head-causing the tank to spin out of control.

"This is the end for me," he proclaimed as the thing spun around in the air and landed inches away from. Seconds, later he opened his and shouted, "Woohoo! I'm saved!" And he got trampled by Russian soldiers chasing Snake and Eva.

"OWW! AHHHH! UGGHH!" He growled in pain as the TPDD activated again.

"Makoto! You created a time paradox!" Shouted Roy Campbell as the boy jumped into the timestream and into another era... WW2.

**Call of School Days: Makoto's at War**

Now Makoto has appeared in Berlin inside the flaming Riechstag. Russian soldiers are forcing their way into the building as SS troops defended it fanatically with epic Russian orchestral hard rock playing in the background. He stood dumbfounded until a German soldier accosted him, "What ze fuck are you doing! Fallback or I'll shoot your arse!"

Apparently, Makoto is mistaken for a SS trooper due to his _gakuran_ resembling their black dress uniforms. Just as he turned, the Russians fired at him and hit the SS guy. "_Show courage! Show strength! Show pride! But show no mercy!_" Roared Viktor Reznov.

"Move forward, comrades! Show no mercy to these rats!" he shouted again, firing his PPSh-41. Makoto retreated, barely dodging the bullets. Taking cover, he fired his AK47 at the onrushing communist hordes. They replied with more gunfire and Molotv cocktails.

"Jesus Christ!" he said is he nearly got roasted by those flaming bottles of doom. He fired his AK47, threw some grenades and docked for cover, the Russians were shocked. He heard someone say, 'Keep moving! I'll handle this myself.' He crept out of hiding place to see Reznov's epic beard!

"You're not getting away from, you scum!" He growled. He brandished his combat knife, which looked like a bloody cleaver.

"ARRRGGGH!" He screamed and ran for his their life, dodging his combat cleaver. He ran into SS positions but they threw him back to the Russians since they thought he's retreating. He pushed the keys of the TPDD when Petrenko fired his SVT-40 at him. Instinctively, he fired back and filled his chest with AK bullets. Then a dramatic slo-mo sequence started: Dmitri falling on his back is he got struck, the fall echoed throughout the building and Reznov shouting 'NO!' in slo-mo.

"Makoto! You created a Time Paradox!" Roy shouted again.

Everything goes back to normal speed as Reznov shouted, "You fascist rat! You will burn in hell!" He chased him again with his big-assed knife. Makoto screamed like a girl as he chased him to the track of Benny Hill. Seriously, does Kotonoha have Russian blood? He got to the top and threw himself off the Reichstag, just seconds before he hit the ground did the TPDD send him to another era.

**Never Get Out Of the Nice Boat**

Makoto found himself in yet another jungle. Hueys flying overhead told him his worst fears: he's in Vietnam. He looked around worriedly until he was accosted by the cast of Platoon. He is once again mistaken, this time as Vietcong due to his _gakuran_ resembling the black pajamas they wore for uniforms and that he's carrying an AK47 doesn't help either.

"There's Charlie over here!" shouted Charlied Sheen. Makoto ran for his life as the entire platoon gave chase. He screamed again as he encountered a tiger.

"ROAR!" It growled.

"Oh shit! A tiger!" He shouted as it nearly gulped his head in. After a marathon run through the jungle dodging bullets, booby traps and napalm, he came across a river with a patrol boat chugging along.

"Hey... Nice boat," he casually said. It really is a nice boat. Bad thing is it's the cast of Apocalypse Now riding on it.

"We have Charlie at that treeline," shouted Laurence Fishburne AKA Mr. Clean.

"General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands, man your battle stations!" Shouted the Chief. They pumped into Makoto's general direction, M16, M60 and .50 caliber ammo.

"AAARRRGGHH!" He screamed as he took lead from them. When the smoke cleared, a waling-in-pain Makoto made a pathetic attempt to crawl away but Martin Sheen AKA Captain Willard finished him off with a M79, splattering his blood and guts on the trees.

"I told you don't stop," he told to Chief.

**Present Day...**

"Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way." Itsuki mused as the discussion is about to conclude.

"Saddle up! Lock and load!" Haruhi ordered. Everyone left the bunker to begin there investigation.

"Yes, Haruhi," they sullenly replied. They move out the village when Kyon has Vampire Knight moment, just like Zero Kiryuu's panic attacks, completed with heartbeats. Oh no! His repressed aggression is starting to get the better of him and... flashbacks. He found himself inside a dark room full of TVs and other electrical equipment. They shouted him a name very familiar to him.

"Mason! Mason!" Shouted an electronically distorted voice. Then a speedy visual montage of various places in the world: Cuba, Northern Russia, Hongkong, and more. Explosions, firefights, helicopter chases, numbers all flashed before him. Then he got back to normal, on his knees breathing heavily. He stood up and joined the team.

* * *

**Looks like Kyon's got more secrets than the Higurashi show. Let's find out. And oh yeah, never get out of the nice boat. References to Hayate no Gotuko, Metal Gear Solid 3, CoD WaW, Umineko, Fate/Stay, WWE, Persona, Code Geass, and Gundam. Don't forget minor Brokeback Mountain reference.  
**


	6. Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni Part 2

**Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni-Part 2  
**

**Summer FUBAR**

**Hello, here comes more insanity. More CoD, 'Nam, and Hellraiser. Watch the hysteria take over****. Here's to lame jokes. Special thanks to clips of Tropic Thunder.  
**

_The village, which had stood for maybe a thousand years, didn't know we were coming to play that day. If they had, they would've run. Haruhi was the eye of her rage. And through her, our captain Ahab, we would screw things wrong yet again. That day she sucked us in to more trouble._ Kyon pondered on their new situation while a sign that said, HINAMIZAWA, EST. A.D 1010, stood next to him. The Brigade came into the town with only minutes to spare. Haruhi drew up the briefing for their assignments.

"Okay, Kyon. You and Taniguchi will spy on the school," she pointed her finger on the map, "while me, Yuki, and Itsuki will do the detective work."

"How 'bout Mikuru and the others?" Kyon pointed out.

"They're the diversion," she replied, "they'll pretend to have a sightseeing on the banks of the river."

"That's sweet, Haruhi. But isn't spying on a school the equivalent looking into someone's personal space? And the fact you intend to let the rest of us go to a river with Mikuru dressed up in lolita garb."

"That's why they're the diversion," Haruhi smiled wolfishly. "You gotta give those villagers some eye candy to look at while we're doing the actual work."

Mikuru shuddered, "You don't mean... like I'm the bait, right? Miss Suzumiya?"

"I do but you can use Kunikida as a human shield if you want to get away." As much as Haruhi wanted to see Mikuru slashed, she'd still want her cute butt for herself before she dies. Hopefully, Kyon would want to make out with Mikuru before he dies too. The silent background character winced.

"So how do you want us to proceed, Haruhi?" Itsuki asked, being a bishie.

"Like I said, you and Yuki are on me. As for Kyon and Tani, they get this stuff," Haruhi replied giving the two boys a bag. Inside is the Laser Microphone from Splinter Cell, two ghillie suits, a boonie hat, two M21 suppressed sniper rifles, two suppressed M1911A1s, a Barrett .50 sniper rifle, tac radios and so on.

"What the hell is this?" Kyon blasted.

"Your kit. You'll be needing this when you're going to sneak on them."

"I thought it was a sneaking mission," Taniguchi joined in. "We're not here to cap those kids."

"You have your job and we have ours," she snapped to the two boys, "so why don't you go there and gear up." She pointed to a clump of trees.

"Alright," they replied despondently. Then they move to the trees with the bag and went behind. Then the trees shook as Boom! Shake The Room by Dj Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince played for a few seconds. Implying something, huh? Then they came out dressed like British snipers.

"Okay, everyone ready?" she said.

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya," Mikuru replied timidly, shuffling her feet uneasily with her hands behind her back.

"We're up," said Tsuruya excitedly.

"Ready, guv'ner," Kyon said with a badass British acent.

"Now on to adventure and mystery!" She announced marching proudly with Itsuki and Yuki. Kyon and Taniguchi moved out stealthily and hefted their bags and guns. The remaining three skipped happily to the riverbank.

_Screen switches to Kyon's FPP(first-person perspective)..._

_Objective: Reach School. Avoid contact.  
_

Kyon followed Taniguchi(who had sign that said 'follow' over his head with a meter indicating his distance to him) and walked stealthily from house to house. Walking... walking... walking... until some guy in a gray overall appeared. They lay down.

"Kyon, don't shoot him," Tani whispered.

"I...know...," the cynic breathed with an itchy trigger finger. Then the suspicious-looking graysuit moved on. Then they stood up and moved on until they reached the school.

"Okay, we're at the school." Taniguchi said. "Take up positions behind those bushes." Kyon obeyed and sneaked into the bushes.

_35 meters... 30 meters... 20 meters...10 meters... 5 meters... 0.5 meters... Objective complete._

They moved closer and closer to more bushes until they reached the closest bush and set up their positions.

"Okay, set up the Target Designator, uh, I mean the Laser Mike," Taniguchi ordered.

**Press and hold X to deploy Laser Mike**

Kyon set it up and focused it on the classroom.

**Press Y to zoom in  
**

From there he'll be listening to their boring class and slice-of-life stuff. Example...

"_... What does a model of R2-D2 have to do with human reproduction?_" Mion asked.

"_Get with the times, Mion. Haven't you heard?_" Keiichi replied. "_Apparently, they created robots that are made for sex. Scientist in about believe that too many years from now, humans are gonna be having sex with robots._"

"_Well, let's hope for your sake that robots aren't programmed to enjoy it. Otherwise, they're gonna be damned disappointed._"

Let's see how Haruhi's group is faring.

AFO(All Fucked Over) Haruhi was going around the village when they encountered a platinum blond woman and a muscular bird photographer. The guy took a picture of them.

"Oh my," Itsuki said, "a pedophile just took a picture of us. That's seven years' bad luck."

"Oh sorry," apologized the man, "I thought you're birds, not somebody to keep an eye on."

"What? Did you saw us with you're camera lens?'" Haruhi asked.

"Anyway, are you from Hinamizawa?" the guy asked.

"No," Itsuki replied together and lied. "We're tourists."

"That's nice," the women said with a French accent. "What brings you here?"

"We're here for the festival," Yuki camly answered.

"We're investigating that string of murders that happen every year!" The brigadefuhrer jumped in. Alibi broken and some higurashi chirpin'.

"Tourists, huh?" The woman raised an eyebrow. "You're probably more of those teenagers who watched too much Case Closed and CSI who come here every summer." Itsuki heard something similar to that from the local tourism committee yesterday.

"Well, we're a more serious, uh..." Haruhi mused for a while, "... investigation committee." They don't looked very convinced.

"Oh," Itsuki came in to fix the situation, "where are our manners? I don't think we introduced ourselves properly. My name is Itsuki Koizumi."

"And I am Haruhi Suzumiya, leader of the SOS Brigade," The goddess announced pointing her finger skyward as though she sighted the New World.

"I am Yuki Nagato, token bookworm," The alien monotoned lifelessly.

The woman smiled, "Now that's settled, I am Miyo Takano." Itsuki looked at her a little more and realized that she looked like an adult Tsumugi Kotobuki on crack.

"And I am not pedophile," said the man. "I am Jirou Tomitake, freelance bird photographer."

"Aren't you overly muscular to be a bird photographer?" The esper noticed, "Do you get attacked by birds?."

"You kids and your wild fantasies. I currently work for Playbird Magazine, number one selling pornographic bird magazine in world." AFO Haruhi's faces looked like their panties are showing.

"Bird porn?" the club leader asked weakly, couldn't quite believe what she just heard.

"Yes." That was something. Then came the woman's turn.

"You're interested in murders, eh? Do you want to know the legend of Oyashiro-sama's curse?"

"We're pretty up to speed on that," Haruhi said. And continued rapidly, "Some dude dies, another disappears during the night of the festival every year since the dam thing."

"How did you know that?" She wondered

"We got the info from the locals here yesterday." Haruhi exclaimed

"Oh, so you've been here, huh?"

"Yeah, they were gonna tell us of all the ritual stuff and all that but they only mentioned Oyashiro-sama once," The goddess pondered, "I'm curious."

Tomitake said, "Seven or eight years ago, some politicians decided they were thirsty so they thought it was a cool idea to flood the town. The locals got pissed and all then hilarity ensued."

"What?"

"And 'hilarity ensued' wasn't obvious enough," the guy moaned, "No one watches sitcoms the way I do."

Takano stepped in, "Okay, seriously, they believed the guardian deity, Oyashiro, killed those who try to flood the village. Also more stuff, on the night of the festival, someone dies of an unexplained... heart attack."

AFO Haruhi gulped nervously, "Heart attack?" _Death Note them begins..._

There Takano and Jirou described the unexplained heart attack deaths that started alongside the murders and disappearances beginning with the shrine priest up to Barney and Friends. And also about some smutty pink-haired bitch who got lost in an episode of Dokuro-chan and received a fatality on the head. _Death Note theme ends..._

"... and that is the last time I'll let you bring Seinfeld into this conversation," Takano warned Jirou.

"Well... thanks talking to you," Haruhi finally said after all that intense mystery conversation.

"Wait, everyone, do you want to hear more about Two and a Half Men?" Jirou asked.

"What did I just say?" Takano sternly said with her French accent.

"I think we better go now," Itsuki said, "We have places to go."

"Oh, one more thing: beware of the locals," she warned before laughing like crazy. Itsuki felt their spine chill and went on with their detective work but Haruhi was unfazed, finding her first great lead of the day. The esper thought, _No wonder Arakawa's report put a dildo up Command's ass. The town was being run by a bunch of psychos who were gonna end up giving the whole circus away._

"Hey, Yuki, we've got our lead of the day. What do you think?" Haruhi asked.

"I believe it's 99.995 percent accurate," Yuki replied.

Meanwhile at the river bank...

"This place is beautiful," Mikuru cheered at the scenery of the river. She seemed like cute princess in her outfit, sure to attract people to her and the diversionary troop. Problem is that no one's around on this time of the day.

"Nice place to go fishing," Kunikida said. "I wanna fish here with some cheese."

Tsuruya got pissed, "How dare you make fun of my cheese fixation, uh, I mean, passion!"

"Sorry, Tsuruya. I just couldn't help but notice it."

"Oh yeah, I'll kill you." She raised Frostmourne, the Lich King's Arthas' sword. Kunikida relented.

"Hey, I just apologized," He quickly said.

"Really?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh." She put it back inside her bag. After a few minutes of silence Tsuruya asked Kunikida again, "You know, this river reminds me of that scene in Platoon where Charlie Sheen and the rest of the guys went to go searching for this village after they found one of their friends horribly tortured."

"Yeah, it overlooked a river just like this one." He noted

"Come to think of it, what happens if we disappear and/or resurface horribly mangled?" She pondered.

"Hopefully, many of our fellow students back from North High would come here in large numbers next summer... with guns."

-Buffalo Springfield's For What it's Worth plays-

The diversionary group looked up in the sky deep in thought. Slowly the sunny sky was filled with jets and helicopters. The sounds of battle are everywhere as tracers trying to hit helicopters and jets and the scene lowered back to the ground as VC and NVA scrambled like crickets in a burning shoebox. Jets were dropping fire bombs on the hapless commies while the choppers circled like vultures. One such helicopter flew over the gravelly banks of a river and landed in the midst of the nearby woods.

Out of it came several soldiers dressed in tiger-striped camo, weapons ready. One of the soldiers is named Capt. Alex Mason. Along with him is Kinkaid, Itzhak Kuzimski, Fudge-pacher and Tanner. There job: to investigate the presence of a suspected supply cache in that sector. That means the village.

-For What it's Worth stops-

Behind the bushes, the six-man team discussed their plans. "Okay, according to intel, the cake cache is located on somewhere in this village." Mason began. "We need to know how large it is before we destroy it. We also have reports of important VIPs in this area."

"What's our game plan?" Asked a bandanna-wearing Kinkaid, his shotgun ready.

"You and Fudge-pacher would make a sweep at the right flank. Me, Tanner and Kuzimski would take the left. After that, we rendezvous on the village center and start searching. "

"Sir, rules of engagement?" Asked the trigger happy Tanner.

"Keep to the shadows and foliage, do not fire unless your engaged upon. Knife only."

"You want us to fight back with only our knives, sir ?" Asked Kinkaid. "These guys pack AKs."

"Shut up!" Mason retorted loudly enough to scare the chickens, "Use your heads for once!"

Then they moved out into the foliage. In the village, some of the villagers are waking up to begin their day. They strangely looked like the cast of Higurashi, dressed in Vietnamese clothes. One of them, a boy with dark brown hair, began to feed his chickens. Kinkaid and Fudge-pacher were looking at through their binocs.

"Hey, should we take this guy out?" He asked him, fumbling his crossbow.

"No, we'll wake up the village faster than Roy Mustang's obsession with miniskirts. Just keep your fingers off the trigger." Fudgy replied.

"TINY MINISKIRTS!" Roy Mustang flashed from nowhere.

"What the fuck!" They were startled. Then Roy disappeared. Relieved that village didn't blared red alert, they continued on their way. At the other side, Mason, Kuzimski and Tanner spotted some traps... or they nearly ran into one.

"Gyah!" Blurted Tanner as he nearly trip into a pit.

"Jesus Christ! You nearly gave us a heart attack." Kuzimski said.

"Wow, I nearly fell into a punji trap." Tanner recovered from the fall and crept back into the bushes.

"But it's not just any punji trap, that one was made none other by the notorious VC booby trap expert, known only as Sandy Hodge." Mason explained. He then showed a signature on the spikes that revealed they are patented by Sandy Hodge.

"OMFG!" Kuzimski exclaimed, "that means we have an enemy VIP to capture nearby." Then two girls with fluorescent green hair emerged from a hut nearby. They got big knockers and they looked alike. The commandos dove into a nearby bush.

"Shit, that was too close for comfort," Mason said, peering through. At the far end, Fudgy was enjoying the frontage with his binocs.

"Emm, emm, anytime sweetheart." He said whispered, wanting do these girls with the big boobs anytime soon.

"They'll smother you to death with their D's, Fudgy," warned Kinkaid. He's not kidding. There's a story being told among the guys back in the camp about soldiers suffocating to death in their hotel rooms in Saigon and the battlefield. They gave them nightmares for weeks and that deprived them of much-needed poontang. They compensated somewhat through... other means. Perhaps those two are the ones in the legends. It be a good time for some payback.

"_Lima Bean-Two-Zero,_" Mason squalled through their radio , "_t__his is Cat Shit-One, do you copy, over?_" At that moment the two got there balls together.

They replied, "Yeah, copy over."

_"Lima Bean-Two-Zero_, c_an you identify the two girls, over?_"

They looked at them through their binocs and said, "Negative, their eyes are obscured by their cone hats. We need a closer look."

"_Understood, proceed as planned, Cat Shit-One out._" Then Mason turned to his team, "Okay, we now have a textbook snatch-and-grab situation here. We have three suspicious looking individuals here who might be of value to HQ with the possibility of capturing an important VC officer. Let's do this quietly."

"Snatch-and-grab?" commented Kuzimski, "I thought it was smash-and-grab."

"Snatch-and-grab is a term to take something quickly and vamoose, moron!" He scolded him. "Smash-and-grab is when you act like barbarian raping and looting people and places." As he argued, a blue-haired girl was looking at them curiously.

Then she chirped cutely, "Napalm~"

"ARRRGGHH!" They dove to ground with their heads flat and their asses pointed to the sky. After a few seconds, Mason opened an eye and looked around. The villagers are around them... with weapons aimed at them. They smiled menacingly. He realized that he had hit the jacket... the wrong way. The two boys are Ca Chie Mai Bao Ra and Sa Thu Sinh Hu'a. Sa Thu Sinh is a hand-to-hand combat expert who specialized on heavy beatings while Ca Chie is their propaganda expert. His masterpiece of Marxist subversion is 'Fight your fate, fight America!' where he exhorts fellow Vietnamese to join the fight against the babykillers. The two girls are My'un Soung Sa'ki, their boss and intel chief, and Re'na, notorious executioner, nicknamed 'butcher of Hue City'. Mason looked at the bluenette girl is Ri'ka, rocket loli. Then their target showed up.

"Hello, nii-nii," Greeted Sa Thu Co aka Sandy Hodge, "don't leave me out in this one."

"Well, well, well," Said Ca Chie in English, "looks like we have more American dumbasses to capture." The rest of squad opened their eyes too.

"Yeah, more guests for the Hanoi Hilton," chirped My'un, "but let's see if they have tasty info inside." The commandos winced at the thought of My'un interrogating them, they say her methods are notoriously brutal.

"So... how about a cup of tea?" Kuzimski asked, smiling nervously. "One that goes with cake."

"Sorry, American, the cake is a lie."

"Oh, oh," piped Re'na excitedly, swaying her head happily as she thought of the pain she planned to inflict, "what are we gonna play with them? Musical electric chairs? Pipe banging? Kneecap bashing? Russian roulette, kana, kana?"

"No, Re'na," My'un replied. "That's too passe'. We're gonna try a new game with them. I'm gonna ask my sister. She's got a new idea last night." They all gulped in fear, knowing My'un's sister is even more vicious than she is. Meanwhile...

After Shi'un took a bath and freshened up, she took a walk outside of her hut to check the commotion when suddenly, someone put a knife near her neck and grabbed her arms.

"What the hell-" she nearly said something when a 'shh' silenced her.

"If you scream, you're dead," said Fudge-pacher.

"What do you want?" she asked hesitantly.

"I don't know, maybe some poontang."

"What's that?"

"You'll find out soon," he smiled creepily, "is there any place where I could get private with you?"

"No, you don't mean..." she whelped.

"I mean it, baby." She then her finger to a big hut nearby. He then continued, half dragging her along the way, "I'm gonna let you meet Junior, now let's open the door, close it and..." As they entered, he let a match. "What hell is this?"

"_**ROOOAAARRR!**_" There was large amount of girlish screaming as the hut rocked violently and Shi'un casually walked out of it.

"It's a bad idea to wear a tigerstripe with a tiger around." She grinned evilly as Fudgy-daddy gets... _eyed_ _by the tiger_.

"What the hell is that?" Shouted Ca Chei when a hut blew up nearby. Kunikida used his crossbow with explosive-tipped bolts. The village turned into a hornet's nest as more Viet Cong came to meet him. Taking advantage of the confusion, Mason and the squad CQCed their captors and raced for the village center. After some random firefights, they made their way out of the village.

"This is Cat Shit-One!" Mason screeched through the radio, "we have been compromised. Request extraction to LZ Girls Bravo!"

"_Roger that, Cat Shit-One, this is Baseplate Four-Niner over. Will be there, ETA four minutes, out."_

"Don't forget an airstrike," Kinkaid added over the radio.

"Roger that!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" the captain shrieked.

"I believe we should have an obligatory airstrike to burn those Mew- Mew-loving buttfuckers." He replied.

"Mew-mew?"

"Yeah, just like that pet tiger they kept."

"Shouldn't that be Roar-Roar?" But no more arguments as the VC is closing in on their perky asses. At the LZ, they set up there defenses quickly. Kinkaid on sniper, Tanner laying Claymores and C4 around the perimeter and the rest aiming their guns on the onrushing hordes of Zerg-rushing VC(apparently, they like to play Zerg on StarCraft 2 multiplayer). But the captain couldn't help but think that something's missing.

"Shit! We left Fudge-pacher!" He realized that for now! As for Fudgy... He tried to crawl out of the hut, his fatigues torn to shreds and his pants are missing. But as soon as he was halfway through the door, a tiger paw snatched him back in.

"NO!" He shrieked as he dug his fingers into the dirt, but he could only leave deep scratches as he got dragged. Now some more screaming and hot tiger love! Back at the LZ, they were defending it to the death as they wait for Baseplate to land. Then their angel had arrived.

"_This is Baseplate Four -Niner, Cat Shit-One, do you copy?_" That sound sent everybody cheering.

"That's roger, Baseplate!" Replied Mason, "we have one hundred or so gooks on our tail."

"_Easy there, Cat Shit, just pop a smoke an your location before we land. Fastmovers on their way._" Finished, Mason turned to Kinkaid.

"Kinkaid, pop a smoke!"

"Yes, sir." He replied. He then walked to a corner of the perimeter and took out some marijuana and began smoking. Mason nearly tore his hair apart. Standing up despite the bullets and bombs flying around, he marched towards on him. He grabbed him by the collar.

"What the fuck is wrong with you! When I say 'pop a smoke', you pop a smoke grenade, not get high!"

"Oh, thanks for reminding me, sir!" Quickly, he took out a smoke grenade and waved out around. "Look sir, rainbow reality." That was the last straw. He screamed and started chasing Kinkaid around their perimeter. The rest of the squad gave them odd looks. Their pursuers stopped shooting, sat back and enjoyed the comedy. Then their ride came.

"Everyone, it's Baseplate!" Tanner screamed. Brought back to there senses, everyone ran for the chopper. The VC, stunned out by the turn of events, hastily picked up their weapons and continued pursuit... and ran into the traps they set.

_BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!_

Screaming Vietcong are flying everywhere with limbs missing. Kinkaid sang, "It's raining commies! Hallelujah! It's raining commies! Amen!"

"Shit!" My'un screeched in frustration, "the Americans are escaping!"

"Ah, My'un," said Ca Chie nervously, "we're standing on C4..." Then they realized that. As the chopper lifted off, Tanner clicked on the detonator.

_BOOM!_

The whole gang flew as well. Out of frustration, she blasted her pistol at the direction of the Huey with no effect. She then called out Ri'ka, "Ri'ka! Use the RPG!" Ri'ka popped out with an oversized rocket launcher in her hands. Then somebody popped out of the bushes. It's butt-naked Elias Fudge-pacher!

"MASON!" He shouted holding a cake and dancing like a moron. "I got it! I got the cake!" Then Sa Thu Co, who was clinging to his back, began biting him on the arm with her fanged teeth. "AARRGHH!"

"Die, GI!" She shouted as she took a bite of his arm. After a few quick bites, however, Fudgy had enough.

"Get off me you monkey loli!" He screamed as he ripped her off his back. Then he threw the screaming VC girl away.

Kuzimski said, "What the fuck?" There's cake in there after all!

"Nipah, motherfucker!"She exclaimed and fired. It sailed through the air at the now-scared shitless squad.

"Oh shit!" shouted the pilot as he lifted it higher. Realizing the danger his friends are, Fudgy threw the cake into the air. The RPG is getting closer by the millisecond, everyone braced themsleves for the impact. Then suddenly, the cake popped into its path and it exploded. He hollered and pumped his fist into the air before going back into the bush. Out of frustration, the VC turned their attention to him.

The chopper landed in in another clearing to pick him but he was still a few dozen meters away from dustoff. The VC popped out and fired at him.

"YEOW!" He screamed before he fell to his knees in slo-mo. In random uberdramatic fashion, he raised his hands into the air, making a very obvious reference. The squad watched in horror as his pursuers shot him several more times on the ass before he fell on his face.

Enraged, Mason said to everyone, "Hope y'all like hamburger meat, because that's exactly what I'm going to be bringing back and serving up in this whirly bird! COVER ME, YA LIMP DICK FUCKERS!" He cocked his .45 and dismounted. They watched in amazement as he shot several baddies flawlessly including one that tried to stab his butt. The helicopter lifted up a little to give cover. As soon as he got Fudge-pacher back and turned back to the chopper, Re'na popped out of a pit.

"Peek-a-boo, I see you!" She ranted as she threw her hatchet at it.

"NOOO!" Tanner shouted in slo-mo as the spinning blade whizzed into the tail, slicing it in half. It spun out of control, Tanner fell and clung to the skids, and it fell into a fireball. Mason watched in horror as VC surrounded him. At the underground lair...

"Ha-ha-ha!" Laughed My'un, "think you can escape? You're gonna pay dearly for that cake!" She laughed some more at Mason, strung on a heavy cross.

"Oh! Oh! How much?" Echoed Kinkaid excitedly from the pickle barrel he's packed in on Mason's left. Mason facepalmed at his subordinate's stupidity.

"A whole lot," she quipped as the rest of her minions came back with torture implements. On the left corner is Tanner hanging upside down, screaming at the snakes hissing a few inches below his head. Fudge-pacher's on a stretcher on Mason's right, lying down on his face as his butt is still fresh from surgery. The two lolies took him out of the lair. Kuzimski is strapped on the bed naked with electrodes on his... let's say things are not working out for him very well. Then the moment of truth, in echoing footsteps walked in Shi'un. Mason winced at the terrible twin sister of the VC chief. Behind her is ex-Nazi officer, Dr. Eric Kosky.

"Ready for some fun?" My'un asked her.

"Very ready," she replied sadistically.

"Shall ve begin?" He asked.

"Anytime," she said. She then turned to Re'na and Sa Thu Sinh, "Okay, roll the cameras, let the Americans know that death waits for them here." They did as they're told with happy smiles.

"Lights, camera, action!" Shouted Ca Chie and the squad screamed their heads off as Shi'un laughed demonically. When it's all over, Re'na disposed of the bodies at the river and they all had a party. The next day however...

Another morning in the village was greeted by the usual lax activity by its inhabitants as they go on their daily activities such as making breakfast and planning ambushes when a distant sound came to the village. Then came the thing they never expected: a heavily-armed Huey piloted by Kinkaid and Mason. Mason, insane after the events of Black Ops, revved the minigun and shouted, "Let's do this whole fucked-up village!" The VC cadre consisting of the Higurashi look-alikes screamed their heads off as Mason rained lead and destruction on the entire collections of straw huts.

"Get some!" He sceamed, "Get some! Get some, baby!" By the end of the day, the only thing left of it is a smoking clearing with burned and dismembered corpses.

**At the present day at the school...**

After boring hours listening in to the gang, Kyon and Taniguchi got their first big break. The mundane and sometimes idiotic stuff made Kyon imagine of blowing it up with their pack of explosives. Now it's time for the real deal.

"Kyon, you're hearing this?" Taniguchi asked.

"Yeah, just raise the volume," Kyon said, putting on his pants.

_"Hey, Mion, you said that there's a bunch of American tourists coming over here for the festival?" _Keiichi asked.

_"Yes, and it's thanks to some agreement between Rozen Aso and Bill Clinton." She replied. "In a scheme called sister governate." _She replied_  
_

_"What's that? I never heard of sister governate."_

_"It's like that sister city scheme between Mishima and Pasadena. Only it's much bigger like a state. In this case it's between the state of Colorado and Gifu Prefecture and it starts with us and some town called South Park."_ _The scene switches to the classroom..._

"Oh, Rozen Aso and his crazy schemes," he commented as he twirled his pencil, "we're in deeper shit this time. How is getting a bunch of churchgoing, beer-drinking, Nascar loving, anti-intellectual rednecks on a sightseeing tour gonna help our town's image? They'd probably go hysterical over when they learn of the Watanagshi festival."

"I don't know. It's an idea suggested by that town's mayor who keeps on coming here to our house." Mion picked up her paper.

"And your grandma agreed to it? This is even more fucked-up than Visions of Escaflowne."

"Hey!" Rena shouted, "don't dare dis my favorite anime of all time!" She doesn't like it when Keiichi makes fun of her anime.

"Oh, sorry," he apologized. Continuing with the matter, he added, "Besides, what could we do make this town more interesting?"

"Rika, any suggestions?" Satoko asked.

"I have suggestion but I'm afraid it'll be in bad taste." She answered.

"We won't laugh at you." Satoko comforted.

"Don't be shy," enouraged Mion, "Just throw it out there."

"Two simple words..." Rika smiled,"Mion's boobs." She began grabbing Mion's. "In order to make this town more entertaining to our American guests, I suggest we give them what they want... a sexy girl with curves. I got the idea from Full Metal Jacket."

"Hey come on," Mion retorted, "I'm not some kind of sex objects you can just spontaneously exploit whenever you like! And what in hell did you get the idea from Full Metal Jacket?"

"Simple, just watch," She produced a TiVo and clicked on that clip of Full Metal Jacket where she got the idea: Da Nang Hooker clip.

"_...Me so horny, me love you long time,_" said the hooker in the clip. Finished, Rika turned it off.

"See, Americans like Asian women like that so I suggest we dress Mion like that," the bluenette slyly said.

"What! A slut!" That was too much for Mion, "You're going way too far with that! And I'm not gonna let you pimp me!"

"Don't worry, Mion. It'll only be a day. We believe that American men like exotic busty Asian girls."

"That's right, baby!" Dean Winchester, hunter of the supernatural and subscriber to Busty Asian Beauties, popped out. And disappeared.

"Exploiting Mion!" Keiichi exclaimed, "Rika, that's a great idea!"

"Whatever, I'm not gonna dress up like some Vietnamese prostitute and flirt around with a bunch of drunken truck drivers."

"Why are you all talking about this stuff when we should be talking about the murders," Satoshi noted. Then their teacher, Chie Rumiko, came in for their next subject, Math.

"Okay, settle down you young murderers," she said to them, "we will continue our lessons from yesterday." With that, the class settled down. As they digested the lessons, things are not looking good for Kyon as the class went on.

"_... now as we continue to tackle trigonometry, we will have some Math drills via flash cards, our topic, division. Now let's see who will answer first..._" She said as Kyon listened in. The cynic started to be become sweaty, something inside eating up as he continued to listen to flash drills. The students shout, '50!... 61!... 42!... 5!'

The numbers now began to play in his head, numbers broadcast. "_13, 69, 9000, 34, 666, 101,_ " A woman's voice broadcasted the numbers in his head. He can't take it anymore, his pupils are starting dilate, his flashbacks of war and mayhem are starting to crop up.

"The numbers, Mason!" Asked the electronic voice, "What do they mean!"

"Kiss my ass with some whipped cream on top!" He replied. *Electrocution* "ARRRGGGHH!"

Taniguchi noticed that. He saw Kyon attack their Math teacher once. He tried to calm him down.

"Easy there, Kyon. Let me take over the Laser Mike for you while you just relax." He tried to take the headphones but Kyon snapped his hand on his wrist.

"No... the numbers... Khe Sanh... Hue City... Havana...Reznov..." He screamed, "I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!" He grabbed a M202 Grim Reaper four-barreled rocket launcher.

"KYON, NO!" He tried to stop him. But the cynic fired all four rockets and they hit the classroom.

BOOM!

"Now that's what I call a Math lesson!" Kyon laughs wickedly. All rockets hit their mark, exploding in fireballs. Taniguchi could only cover his mouth with his hands in surprise as the smoke cleared... and fortunately, the occupants survived. The roof and a part of the wall facing the two boys have been blown to Kingdom Come. Chie Rumiko could only blink her eyes in surprise before she finally said something.

"Okay... now that the classroom has exploded for randomly for no reason... school will be off for the day..." She weakly announced. The result was uproarious cheering and all of the kids were running outside, ready to savor their their day off. But Kyon had other plans...

"That's right, kiddies, just run into my sights and I'll send you to Jesus with your heads blown off," he said, smiling wickedly as he aimed through the scope at the schoolkids leaving the school. But Taniguchi grabbed him and a short scuffle ensued.

"Give me that!" Tani grunted as he wrestled the weapon from his hand.

"Get off my ass!" Kyon shrieked.

*UGH!*

*ACK!*

"Yeow!"

"Fuck off!"

"Eat shit and die!"

"Kiss my ass with a cherry on top!"

_GRACK!_

_BRAAK!_

After the brief scuffle, Taniguchi dragged a knocked-out Kyon and their stuff out of sight of the kids. Meanwhile, back at the river bank...

"Hello, I'm Mikuru Asahina," Mikuru greeted to the newcomers despite being dressed in her frilly lolita outfit.

"And I'm Tsuruya!" Tsuruya greeted.

"My name's Kunikida," The propboy introduced himself.

"Well, well," Takano commented, "let me guess? The rest of the SOS Brigade?"

"Well... I'm the only one right here," Mikuru replied sweetly, "the rest of these guys are hanger-ons."

"Hey! I'm the sponsor here!" Fang-tan retorted, "Kunikida's the hanger-on!"

"Oh, sorry," Mikuru meekly chirped. She knew that Tsuruya explodes easily.

"Wow, you are so cute and adorable, Miss Asahina," commented Jirou, "May I take a photo of you?"

Mikuru blushed. A grown man wants to take a photo of her. That's sweet and... creepy. But she'll take it.

"Okay," Mikuru replied cheerily. Just as she made a sweet lady pose as Jirou aimed the camera... at her boobs, Then Haruhi appeared! With the rest of her team.

"No one takes a picture of Mikuru without my permission!" She roared at the cameraman and standing in front of him. "Now fuck off!"

"Oh, forgive me, Miss Suzumiya but I could not help but admire her beauty." He apologized.

"If you're that desperate," Haruhi smiled, changing to her Genki mode, "you could at least allow me to dress her up in a variety of sexy clothes for fan service purposes. Now Mikuru, let me dress you up right on the spot." Just as Haruhi is about to molest a squirming Mikuru in public, Taniguchi and Kyon came by, this time dressed in normal clothes.

"Hey, Haruhi we got a lead!" Shouted Taniguchi.

"Really?" Haruhi asked, changing her mind.

"Right here on tape." He proudly held the tape. Haruhi, however, noticed Kyon. He smiled like he had a hard-on from watching snuff films.

"What's wrong with Kyon?" She asked Tani.

"Eh, long story. But it's-" He looked at a crack-addicted Takano looking over him

"A lead? What kind of lead?" Takano asked with interest. Realizing about letting the cat out of the bag too early, Haruhi took the rest of Brigade away from them.

"Uh, it's nothing. Gotta go." He grabbed the rest of the Brigade.

**Back at the bunker...**

"No way!" She could not believe that an entire American town is coming to Hinamizawa for a goodwill tour.

"Yeah, that's what we heard. It's totally unbelievable." Taniguchi stated. "What do you got?" Haruhi mused about what she got from the couple he encountered along the way.

"Well... we got this word of a crazy cult centered around the village's guardian diety, Oyashiro-sama." Haruhi began. "They say he's a vicious god." She then recounted about the encounter and all they learned from a crack-addicted Mugi and a Youtube-tripping bird pornographer. That was some serious shit. indeed.

"Whoa, that was creepy. This town has more secrets than Tom Cruise's packing job at the fudge factory." Kunikida commented.

"They said that some of the victims died of an unexplained heart attack, right?" Itsuki asked with his hand raised.

"Yeah, they did say that."

"I don't know but I believe there's a possibility that Kira is behind this." With that reply, everyone was mystified for a few brief seconds.

"Yeah, we can't discount that," Haruhi mused. "You know what this means?"

"What?" Everyone else answered together.

With dramatic effect, she announced, "Oyashiro-sama is none other than... KIRA! And he is demanding sacrifices of evil people so he can be God of this new world!" Everyone was mesmerized by the revelation- actually just the dramatic lighting accompanying the tsundere goddess... except Kyon. Then a pretty red-haired girl appeared.

"Rena likes your camp. It's very nice." Rena chirped as she leered into the entrance.

"GYAH!" They screamed. How the hell they find their well-camouflaged compound?

"You nearly scared us, nyoro," Tsuruya grabbed Mikuru and held her in front of herself as a human shield.

"Hey," Mion came in, "you're here, everybody. What'cha doing camping out here?"

"Uh, we're just doing our thing," Haruhi chuckled nervously, fearful of the possibly psychotic locals looking at them. "Nothing suspicious to look at, right?"

"Oh," Keiichi jumped in, "an orgy. Is there room for one more?"

"Dammit, Keiichi," Mion sighed at Keiichi's stupidity, "just stay out of this until this is done." She then turned to the SOS Brigade. "So, you wanna continue the tour from yesterday?" The SOS Brigade didn't reply. Then they huddled and whispered to each other for a while.

_Blast!_ He sadly thought, _my dreams of an orgy with a group of outsiders have been shattered_.

"Okay," They affirmed together.

"Alright," Mion cheered. "We have more sights to show you. We'll start with the Furude shrine and then go..." Everyone else followed her out of the bunker. Just as they did,Rena was staring at Mikuru with wide eyes.

"What are looking at me for?" She asked her timidly.

Rena coudln't hold it anymore. She shouted, "I'm taking her home! Omochikaeri!"

Mion stepped in, "Sorry, Rena you're not taking her home."

"But I want to," she pleaded, "she's so cute and I want to play with her."

"Nobody's taking my mascot home!" Haruhi blurted.

"I wanna take her home and you won't stop me!" Rena replied as Keiichi held her by the arms.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Mion intervened, "Whoa, slowdown, Rena. Don't let your cuteness syndrome get into you."

"But please, I wanna play with her..." As the conversation between them faded, Haruhi asked Itsuki. "How the hell they find this camp?" She demanded with her arms crossed.

"Beats me. I don't know since the chibis had this well-camouflaged." He answered, just passing by a big neon sign that blatantly said, 'SOS Brigade Firebase Haruhistan'.

"By the way, where are the chibis?" she asked him.

**Underneath the camp...**

-When Johnny Comes Marching Home(_Die Hard With A Vengeance OST_) plays-

The tunnel was bustling with the Hamtaro hamsters, digging everything with their tiny digging tools and their automated digging equipment- actually modified RC dump trucks and bulldozers and improvised digging stuff. They sang another song.

_Hamtaro, little hamsters, big excretions_  
_Hamtaro, little hamsters, big excretions!_

Churuya surveyed the digging with utmost interest. Achakura gave orders to them on where to dig. "This is more fun than watching yuri." She chirped.

"I know," she agreed. "Hell, we are going to break into the biggest depository of smoked cheese in all of Japan. Soon, it'll be all mine." She then turned to Boss, "Boss, how's the digging?"

"At this rate," Boss the field hamster replied, "we'll be break in there by midnight."

Then Achakura looked at her worriedly, "How about you're creator, Miss Tsuruya? You know she loves smoked cheese as much as you do."

"Put a sock in it. She can get hers from Switzerland, where she deposits it in a bank vault." She replied bitterly as she remembered how Tsuruya won't share any of her cheese unless she does the chores. _No more_, she thought, _she can eat shit and die!_ Then her laughter echoed throughout the tunnel as the digging continued.

-When Johnny Comes Marching Home ends epically-

**Above ground...**

Everyone is at the Furude Shrine. "This is the Furude Shrine," Rika began, "the centerpiece of our town and the Watanagashi Festival. Here we take old beaten-up stuff like old people, hold service for them, and throw them into the river. And by old people, I mean old futons and vest."

"That sounds pretty misleading," Haruhi said, "And sounds pretty boring."

Mion laughed haughtily, "Boring? Not the way we do it!" Then the Games Club gathered around with the theme of Power Rangers playing at the background.

They shouted, "We are the forces of the Watanagshi Competition!"

"Wata-what?" Haruhi was puzzled, then said, "never mind." Then an idea flashed in her head, "So I heard that during the old days, you actually took people here and gruesomely sacrificed them here! Is it true?" That took the local kids by surprise.

"Yeah..." Mion said, "but we live in a modern era. We don't such stuff anymore." She let out a sunny smile to make the day happy. Haruhi is not convinced. She then looked at the statue.

"Is that your Oyashiro-sama?" She asked.

"Yup," Rika said, "he is. The guardian deity of our village. The press has been cropping his name from time to time."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Itsuki sympathized. Taniguchi looked at and noticed something.

"Hey," he said, "the shrine is just like the one in Code Geass when Lelouche-"

"Wait, Taniguchi," Tsuruya stopped him.

"What?" He asked.

"Spoilers!" She answered.

"Aw, you're no fun." He wept.

"So what other places do you want us to visit?" Haruhi asked, now bored in a few seconds.

"Well," Rena said, "we were planning to show around to places like the Bridge or the Sonozaki Torture Chamber, are some other places where no one can hear you scream in Hinamizawa."

"Wait, did I just hear 'torture chamber?'" Haruhi asked nonplussed.

"Of course not, there's nothing here to make you distrust us." She replied happily.

"Well, that's great. What can you show us next?"

"Our next stop: the Onigafuchi Swamp."

**At the Onigafuchi Swamp...**

Everyone looked the lake and liked the view. "Wow, this is breathtaking!" Kunikda's eyes widened at the marsh's beauty. "I could take a dip in it."

"Yeah, but I think I wouldn't suggest that," Mion said. "According to our legends, this is where the demons emerged to take people for them to feast on during the night of the festival."

"Whoa, that's scary," Itsuki tried to imagine Satan's minions coming out of that lake. Apparently, he could picture them taking dip in a mountain lake. How 'bout you? Do you take a dip here?"

Rena thought about that and said, "Well... no. We don't. You see, we never swim here cause the waters all cold and all. And that there could be somebody watching from the woods nearby." She pointed to the woods around the lake.

"Oh, I see," Haruhi said. She then smiled, "Hey, everyone! Let's have a sexy pictorial featuring Mikuru here!"

"What?" She screamed and trembled. She doesn't like the idea of Haruhi making her pose in a lake dressed in scanty outfits or worse, nude.

"But we don't have any clothes around," Kyon reminded.

She sighed,"Oh.. right. Then go back to the hotel and get her clothes!" The moe whimpered on hearing that. Then an old man came out of the bushes with a fishing rod. He had happy smile of your favorite grandpa.

"Oh, good morning Mr. Kimiyoshi," Mion greeted.

"Good morning, Mion-san," he greeted back. "You got a new load of friend over there."

"Nah, they're just tourists," she replied. She ten faced the SOS Brigade, "I would like you to meet our puppet, I mean, the head of this village, Kiichirou Kimiyoshi."

"Mornin' youngins," He greeted cheerily. "Enjoying the tour?"

"Nah," Haruhi said, " not really. We never got see any murders, Uh! I mean the festival."

"That's okay, ma'am, It's just a few days away for your friends to enjoy." He took a small yellow piece from his basket and stuck it to the lure. Tsuruya instantly sniffed the air. She realized that there's smoked cheese around!

"Hey, Grandpa," she asked desperately, "is there any smoked cheese around?"

Kimiyoshi didn't reply for 30 seconds, nonplussed. Then he said, "What, this?" He held out the lure, "no, this here's just regular cheese."

"But I smelled smoked cheese somewhere," she blurted, her mouth salivating, "I can feel it."

"I'm sorry, ma'am but I think is just over-expired cheese which I used for bait. There's no such thing as smoked cheese." He smiled happily. He thought, however, _Shit! Those kids are on to me! They'll never find my stash of smoked cheese, never!_

"Aw, man," LOL -Fang-tan moaned.

"Are you a perv?" Haruhi asked excitedly.

"Heavens no," he replied. "I just like to fish here."

"And why are you fishing in lake reportedly haunted by demons?" Kunikida asked.

"That's because no one comes here so I get the best fishing spot in the world all to my self." He answered Kunikida.

As they went on talking. Kyon looked at the lake and had a different though.

**Victor Charlie...**

DMZ Vietnam, 1200 hrs February 9, 1968

The Huey raced over the jungle as air alive with tracers and RPG fire from the Viet Cong. It managed to make its way to the river but started taking more hits. Kuzimski, Fudge-pacher, and Tanner fall off screaming. Kinkaid clung to the skids.

"Wheeee~!" He screamed ,"This is more fun than wakesurfing!" But something hit his ass and he went down screaming. Then something hit the it on the tail and caused it to spin out of control.

"Take a deep breath and hold it right before we go into the water!" Woods fast-talked to Mason, gripping his wrist, "The chopper will suck us down. Kick for the surface and keep kicking. Don't let go of my hand. We're gonna make it, Rose. Trust me!" The door gunner fell down too but they ignored him.

"I trust you but I'm not Rose and this ain't no Titanic!" Replied Mason, "And we don't hold fuckin' hands." Then the Huey splashed into the water- hard.

**Inside the Saiguden(Torture Shack)...**

Satoshi didn't join the rest of gang but instead went home to do an odious chore: cleaning the Saiguden. He entered it and light shone on the stuff, besides the torture implements, includes an electric chair, some Egyptian mummies, Jimmy Hoffa's dried-out corpse, an armory of weapons, a collection of swords, suits or armor, Montezuma's cursed gold pieces and much more. He usually does the heavy cleaning for the shed when Rika is too tired or too short to do some of it. He took in mops, buckets, wax, rugs for wiping, polish for the instruments and stuff.

He sighed when he saw a bag and its strewn contents, "Look's like someone had here broke in again." It's the first time, though. A Russian mafia hitman broke in here by accident and had a one-way trip to Crazy Shion's Hardware House, five miles west of the Furude Shrine. _Whatever_, he thought. He began by dusting some off some them, polishing another set and mopping and waxing here and there. While he was cleaning a nasty looking-spike device, he accidentally cut his hand.

"Ugh!" He grunted. Some droplets of blood fell on the floor. He looked at. "Okay, I guess I should be more careful. Gotta clean this up before I get tetanus or septicemia." He left the room to clean up and bandage his hand.

**In hell...**

In the darkest bowels of the underworld lies the most sadistic and exclusive S&M club ever to be built in Hades: the Acupuncture. Join Pinhead and his band, the Cenobites, as they torture sinners on the most painful and mind-riveting ways possible. Clientele includes Satan, Lambdadelta, Saddam Hussien and Adolf Hitler. In fact, the Fuhrer is tonight's main attraction. He's dressed in a frilly maid outfit as he walked into the stage. Then he takes a selection of pineapples from a closet.

"No, no, no," booed the patrons, "Bigger!"

He took a biggest, sharpest-looking pineapple from closet. "You're schnearious?" He asked. The Cenobite in charge nodded. Hitler quickly bent over without question.

"_AAARGGGGH!_" He screamed as the pineapple was pushed in. The patrons hooted, cheered and clapped hysterically. There was also some more screaming backstage. Frank Cotton was getting more than his fair share of pain. Not what he wanted at all. The Cenobites decided to call it a day and left him alone to face a pool on the ceiling leading the Saiguden. It looks like he could make his escape if he could just let go of his binds. But no! He has to face the fact unless and blood sacrifice can be made from the world of the living at the Saiguden, he'll just be staring at it for the rest of his life but something did happen. A pretty blond boy cut himself in the hands and spilled blood where he got suck in. It caused a ripple effect on the mystic window and now that he could only just take off the binds...

He yanked himself free and fell off from the rack. The Cenobites didn't tie him up that tight. He then climbed to the mystical pool leading to the shrine.

**Back in the shed...**

Satoshi came back with his bandage hand and continued cleaning. He did not notice a shape taking shape on the floor. Frank's face did take shape. He looked around and said with stereotypical evil tone. "At last. My freedom is only a climb away. I shall- Ugh! Ahhh! What the hell-!" Satoshi was mopping his face, barely noticing it or his screams. He mopped vigorously while Frank suffered even more torment as his face got cleaned. Then Satoshi bend over and started wiping it dry and applied floor wax- hot floor wax!

"ARRRGGHH!" He screamed as the boy poured the steamy hot stuff on the floor and spread it. Then wiped it all over until he's finished.

"Hoo! That does it!" He jubilantly said as he packed up, satisfied the the job is finished. When he left the building, Frank was moaning from all the pain he got on the face. It was worse than what he got in hell! He did not know, however, that there is a MILFy looking women watching everything from the shadows of the implements. She smiled happily and knowingly, to know that she found what she was looking for.

* * *

**Oh goodness, looks like things are gonna get hot in Hinamizawa. Will out heroes make it? Will Kyon come in terms with his hidden past and PTSD? Will Itsuki try to make sense of it all and find Arakawa? Is there a hidden conspiracy? Find out later in the next chapter! And I got the AFO idea from the new Medal of Honor game.**

**I've Vietnamised the names of the Higurashi characters in the first part of the chapter with exemption of the doctor Irie Kyosuke(Erich Kosky).  
**

**Always go full pyscho...**  
(Based on the funny and controversial Full Retard part of Tropic Thunder)

Itsuki admits to Kunikida, "There were times while I was killing celestials where I felt..." He paused and sighed. "... psychotic. Like really psychotic."

"Damn!" Kunikdia replied.

"In a weird way I had to sort of just control myself to believe that I was still sane." He confessed.

"To be cool while you kill." He asked

"Yeah!" He replied

"To be in control of yourself."

"Exactly, to be in control of myself."

"Like the most pathological mother fucker that ever lived."

Itsuki replied, "... When I'm killing celestails."

Kunikida gave him a piece of advice, "Everybody knows you have to go full psycho."

"Whaddya mean?"

"To kill, bubba, to kill." He explained. "Check it out. Kotonoha Katsura, School Days - looks helpless, acts sweet, but full psycho. Dated Makoto, carried a hack knife, slashed open her friend, sho', full psycho. You got Lucy, Elfen Lied - sexy, yes, demented sure, but she charmed the pants off the audience, that's psychotic. Kira Death Note - kills with notebook, yeah, normal no. You never went full pyscho, man... Always go full psycho. You don't buy that? Ask Nina Einstein, 2006-2007, 2008, Code Geass - racist table humper, never went full psycho, character reception- almost Zero."

"Zero?" He asked.

"Yes, zero. In fact in terms of Code Geass fanbase, she is the opposite of Zero- zero fans." He concluded.


	7. Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni Part 3

**Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni Part 3**

**All Cracked Up**

**All right, you guys, more insanity coming up. In order to stay with the spirit of shadow6543's Higurashi Abridged and Nyodude's,(now Zero-Q Dimension) Higurashi Parody Fandub, I took some of the puns and funny dialog in one form or another, which I secured permission with a long time ago. And thank God for Zero Q's Higurashi Irish Drinking Song.  
**

Julia was amazed about what she saw. From the floor came a groaning disfigured face, looking like some eggs cooked into a terrible sunny-side up with its eyes, mouth, and nose disarranged in such a way that it looked like modern art piece- a reject from Andy Warhol thrown away by critics that is. At awe of the thing Julia finally spoke, "Frank..."

Frank heard that sweet voice and turned his eyes- on where both the mouse and left ear should have been- to the direction of the sound. He saw his angel. He said, "Julia..." A heart-warming scene would ensue but first he's got to come out of the floor. "I thought I would never see you again."

"Me too," she smiled jubilantly. "What brought you here in this... 'dump'? Clearly, she hates Hinamizawa, whom she considered as another shitty rural Asian village.

"Right now is not the time to talk about this." He said, "what I need you to do is help me."

"Help... you?" She did not know what he meant.

"Help get out of here," he replied. "I'm in hell."

'"I can't. I don't how to..." She didn't continue. She doesn't know if she can rip him out of there.

"Well, I could only move a little. Just wait for a sec, alright, love?" He then slowly and magically raised his heavily-mutilated body(indeed it was as he looked absolutely disgusting, so much that any graphic description would put this fic in the M rating), which looked like an icky badly-autopsied skeleton, feet first. Then his torso, chest and head. And he screamed epically as though as he woke up from his nap. Julia's mouth went wide open as she saw how disgusting Frank became.

"Jesus, Frank. What happened to you...?" She said, looking disgusted at his dripping skeleton.

"I know... I'm not exactly pretty to look at," he spoke with his mouth on the forehead, "but I can't stay like this. You can't let me stay like this. Please. You can't."

"What do you want me to do?" Julia asked.

"The blood brought me this far. I need more of the same. Or I'll slip back ... into their funland." Frank replied, obviously not liking the service given by the S&M bar he was through.

"_Oh blast, I forgot my pita sandwich_," said a voice outside.

"Shit," muttered Julia, "it's that impossibly blond pretty boy!"

"Quick, hide!" Frank ordered Then they both disappear as Satoshi came back in the to get a paper bag inside. After that, he went back out of the torture shack. Then they come out. He then said to her, "You have to heal me."

"Yes, I'll do it my love. I'll do it all for you." She replied happily. "Even if the world is against." Yes, clearly the world is against it, being in love with a mutilated living corpse of some S&M addict.

"I love you, Julia," Frank said from his forehead-mouth, "Now go hurry before they see you again." With that she left, knowing that there is a way to save her love after all.

**Back at the swamp...**

"What kind of fish do you fish here?" Itsuki asked Old Man Kimiyoshi.

"Oh, gay fish," he cheerily replied.

"Gay fish?" Tsuruya asked, not quite believing those words.

"Yes, gay fish," He explained, "found only in Onigafuchi Swamp."

They didn't answer for a while. Then Taniguchi asked, "So there's such a thing as gay fish?

"Yup."

Haruhi felt disturbed by all this so she asked, "So... what do you do to them when you catch them?"

"I prepare fishsticks out of them. They're my favorite."

"Do you like fishsticks?"

"Yeah."

"Do you like eating fishsticks? You know like finger-lickin' good."

"Of course, I put them in my mouth and savor them." He turned back to his fishing rod. Wow, there's such a thing like gay fish? Only in Hinamizawa, baby.

"Ookkkaaayy..." Haruhi replied as the old man went back to enjoy some quite fishing.

"So there's such thing as gay fish?" She asked Mion.

"Yup, they taste great." She replied excitedly.

Taniguchi thought, _that guy must be a Kanye West fan_. Rena said to them, "Did you try looking at Hinamizawa from the Overlook? It's got a great view of the town from there."

"Yeah," Keiichi joined in, "you can see everything from, especially with binoculars like Mion's bedroom." Then he felt his ears getting pinched.

"That's enough for you today, Keiichi," Mion scolded, "You're going to far with that."

"Oww, that hurts Mion," he muttered as she pulled him by the ear, "I only want to our guests some fanservice."

"Not with my body," she snapped, "if you're looking for that, you're gonna need Hatsune Miku."

"I can give you that," Haruhi jumped in, "I'll give you _Mikuru!_" She raised both her hands to the moe bimbo, who immediately whimpered in fright now that Haruhi will strip her again. Then Rika spoke.

"Miss Suzumiya, that's a little too much for poor Mikuru," she said, pitying Mikuru's hopeless lot.

"So what?" Haruhi pouted with her arms crossed, no one crosses the will of the goddess! Then Rena stepped in.

"Rena doesn't like what you're doing to Mikuru," she said creepily,"it's like prostitution."

"Whaddya mean?" Haruhi asked, eyebrows raised and a bit bothered by creepy Rena's cat-like eyes.

"Rena looked at a blog about the SOS Brigade. About how you do insane useless stuff and ruin other peoples' lives."

"And what's that?" she asked, trying to sound tough but really scared to death about this Rena girl.

"John Smith, Fuck you Haruhi," she replied. The blog was made by Kyon, who wanted to expose secrets and abuses such as Haruhi trying to sell Mikuru to the Taliban and confirming that Nova-6's chemical composition is the same as Hitler's fart.

"Really? Well, that blog is full of lies and slander aimed at destroying the the SOS Brigade!" she asserted, trying to protect her position. What she really meant was another blog called Slander Man.

"And tell me what is the SOS Brigade for?" she challenged.

"To solve the Hinamizawa murders you are covering up!"

"Okay, you're going too far, Miss Suzumiya," Mion warned, "we're trying to be very nice to you but you're taking everything to the edge."

"But didn't Rena started it?" Satoko asked. Just as she said that, Mion relented.

"Okay..."

"Ha!" Haruhi shouted triumphantly, "you don't got no shit on me now-!" Just as she said that, some loud grumbling noises startled them. Everyone was paralyzed with fear. "What's that?"

"I think those are the demons of Onigafuchi Marsh," Tsuruya shuddered, "I think we disturbed them with out noisy presence." She felt scared, knowing they'll come out to eat them.

"Nah," Yuki interjected, "that is our stomachs making an audio signal, indicating it's time to take in sustenance."

"Which means...?" Taniguchi asked, putting on his 'sexy' smile, causing glass to break and making cats scream.

"That we're hungry, you sex-addicted moron." She calmly said to him.

"Oh..." he replied after a few seconds, his face going sad.

"Which means," Keiichi announced, "picnic at the Overlook!" Sparkly stuff blinded everyone before returning to normal.

"That's a great idea, Keiichi," Rika agreed, "we can have lunch with scenic view of the entire village!" The Higurashi kids cheered.

"What do you think, Haruhi?" Itsuki asked her.

"That's a great idea!" she shouted, "Everyone, to the overlook!" They all jumped with joy. An old lady passed them by.

"you crazy kids and your trends," she said to them.

"You like it, don't you, grandma?" Keiichi said to her.

Tsuruya rushed to Mion, "Will there be smoked cheese?" She asked desperately.

"Sorry, I don't even know what that is," Mion apologized.

"Nyoron~," Tsuruya moaned, putting her fingers on her lips.

As for Kyon, he's feeling a little assy. _Flashback...'  
_

"Mason, where is the numbers station!" Shouted the electronic voice.

"What the fuck is the color of my underwear!" Mason retorted._*KZZZT*_ "ARRRGGGH!"

Reznov whispered, "All must die." _Flashback ends..._

Haruhi looked over at Kyon and noticed he was staring into space, about say a thousand yards. She snapped at him, "Hey Kyon, quite fantasizing about Mikuru and move your ass!"

"Yes... Miss Suzumiya," He replied a bit shakily as his mouth formed into a creepy smile which she ignored. They all marched to the overlook. While everyone is looking forward to scenic picnic, Kyon looks forward to something else. His mind screamed, _Drop the bomb. Exterminate them All!_.

While everyone walked to the Overlook, Haruhi and Kyon stayed behind. She slapped the insane smile from his real hard that it can be heard from space by Yuki's boss, the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. That took him back to reality hard. Haruhi announced, "Quit smiling, Kyon. we've got business to do."

**At the Overlook...**

They all arrived where they came upon a wide picnic blanket laden with all sorts of goodies. They're made by the local kids but Rena's got the most food. "I made it all for everybody."

"Wow," Kunikida said, "I never knew Rena was a fat girl's name."

"All these food looks good." Taniguchi said, "But not as tasty as you." She looked at Rena, who stared back at him silently.

Rena then said, "You're not cute like yesterday. You're a pervy pimp." Taniguchi hung his head in shame, not being able to score with Rena. He went behind Haruhi.

Itsuki went to Mion. "Wow, you weren't kidding about having lunch here. The place is great." He said, looking around.

"That's the trademark of our town," Rika replied cheerily. "You should come and visit more often."

"And enjoy the scenic spots," Satoko added.

"And get killed," Yuki quietly said, "sure."

"But not before we solve this murder," Haruhi reminded Yuki.

"Oh," the alien quietly said.

"And you get to go to places where you can get away with murder," Rena sang. Rika pinched her ear, causin a cute 'aww' from her, and reminding her not make murder comments.

"And buy killing tools and accessories, I mean, hardware, at discount prices at my twin sister's hardware," Mion joined in.

"What? You have a twin sister?" Itsuki asked.

"Yes," Mion replied, "her name is Shion."

"Mion, Shion. That sound's like a wordplay. One that I couldn't understand."

"Yeah..." she agreed, "a sort of pointless one."

"And what about what Rena just said a while ago," the esper asked.

"Oh, it's one of her lapses," Mion happily downplayed her friend's words, "that happens to her sometimes."

"What's the use of all this talking," Keiichi interjected, "let's eat!"

"You're right," Satoko said, "it's time eat up!"

"Hey wait," Rena said, "didn't I say I made all of these for Keiichi-kun."

"Ahh, I wanna get on this!" Satoko muttered, then slapped Keiichi, "Out of my way, Keiichi-san!"

"Satoko, didn't I tell you to stop being a bitch!" He blurted. He stilled remembered about being in the utility shed, forced to eat cockroaches(cock-a-roaches) while awaiting his punishment for cartoon copyright infringement.

"Don't try to lecture me when I acted like a Powerpuff Girl. You were singing the Batman theme sing." She retorted.

"That's it! Satoko, I had with your crap!"

"Hmm," she smirked, "the usual wager?"

"First one to barf, wins!" he challenged. Then they started to eat Rena's bounty. Everyone else did. Everyone is being social, talking about the weather, school life stuff and about their insane after-school adventures. Itsuki thought, _Shion had a pretty good day for himself. They brought in t-bones and beer and turned the tour into a picnic party. The more they tried to make it just like home, the more they made us suspicious_.

"So you investigated a murder at some island owned by Itsuki's cousins?" Mion asked.

"Yup, pretty much," Haruhi chirped, "only it wasn't a murder. It was just a show they put up for me."

_She wasn't a bad club leader, I guess. She loved this town and her peeps felt safe with her. She was one of those guys that had that weird light around just knew she wasn't gonna get so much as a scratch here._

"A show?"

"Yeah, just to keep my mind off the boring everyday normal stuff. It was a great exercise of my detective skills, though." Kyon sighed and facepalmed, knowing it was he and Itsuki who did all that. And he regretted even more as he didn't have a chance to do Haruhi in that seaside cave. Itsuki just smiled as he ate his dango with a Twinkie in his pocket as a ready dessert.

"You don't like normal stuff, do you?"

"Of course, no excitement and nothing interesting," Haruhi said with disappointment.

"So you don't like things normal," Mion said "Why don't we sing the Hinamizawan Drinking Song?"

"That's a great idea!" Keiichi exclaimed.

"What's that?" The Brigade blinked their eyes.

"Just listen to the music, everybody," Rena said. Then the Games Club began singing with some flighty music from a musical playing at the background.

_Ohhhh, aye-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die!_(the Higurahi gang)_  
I lived in Hinamizaw_a(Mion)_  
I lived here all my life_(Satoshi)_  
Someday I'll get married here_(Rena)_  
I'll have myself a wife_(Keiichi)_  
The scene here is stupendous_(Satoko)_  
The people here are swell_(Satoshi)_  
Unless you make them angry_(Rena)_  
Then you run like hell_(Keiichi)

_Ohhhh, aye-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die!  
There's chaos and corruption_(Mion)_  
And murder in the night_(Satoshi)_  
There's maggots crawling on my skin_(Rena)_  
It really is a fright_(Keiichi)_  
Rena's got her hatchet_(Satoko)_  
She'll chase you for a while_(Satoshi)_  
And then she'll cut you into shreds_(Rena)_  
Live-action style_(Keiichi)

_Ohhhh, aye-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die-dee-die!  
There's plenty of adventure_(Mion)_  
The excitement never ends_(Satoshi)_  
You get Oyashiro all over you_(Rena)_  
And murder all your friends_(Keiichi)_  
So come to Hinamizawa_(Satoko)_  
We hope you come sooner_(Satoshi)_  
Satoshi was sent to jail_(Rena)

"Hey!" Satoshi blurted.

_For dropping a screw in the tuna_(Keiichi)_  
Oh, aye-dee-die-dee-die-dee-di-dee-diiiie-deeee-diiiie-deeee-diiiiiiie!_(the entire gang)

"Well... that was pretty good," Itsuki said, "although I'm mildly bothered by its lyrics."

"If you think that's disturbing, why don't you hear about Taniguchi's Twitter pal, Makoto Ito," Kunikida suggested. Taniguchi shuddered at remembering that. Haruhi was mildly embarrassed.

Kyon went back to normal and said, "Tough break for Ito. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical."

"Huh? So what's with him?" Satoshi asked.

Mion asked, "What was the matter with him?"

To which the cynic replied, "This guys earned himself a harem. And he was jerkin' off ten times a day."

Kunikida added, "No shit. At least ten times a day."

Kyon continued, "Last week he was sent down to the clinic to see the school nurse, and the crazy fucker starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for the principal to clear his papers."

"That he was a chronic sex addict?" Satoko asked.

Kyon turned to her, "You got it, little girl." Then he instantly went back to smiling insanely. Inside, he was trying to control himself,_ Must... control... rage... must... stop... having...flashbacks!_

"Wow... that guy's definitely nuts," Rika said.

Kunikida said, "Yeah, but Taniguchi hurts himself before he even reaches Jerk-Off No. 3 and passes out midway at No. 4."

"Hey!" Taniguchi blurted, "I didn't jerk off!" Everyone giggled at Taniguchi's lil' problem.

Then a voice called out, "Hey, wait for me..." They all turned heads and looked at a green-haired girl resembling Mion and a big guy in a suit resembling Gordon Freeman with shades.

"Is that Shion?" Itsuki asked Mion.

"Yup, that's her," Mion smiled. She then explained that Shion usually stays out of town except in the weekends. On the weekdays, she usually spends time at the boarding school and at her part time job at the Angel Mort cafe and bakery.

"... And Angel Mort's waitresses' uniforms are better than Hooter's," she added, "their cute sexy dresses will surely make you ask for seconds." That caught Tainiguchi's ear. He smiled, _Oh really? I'll check it out! _He looked at Shion and felt his temperature go up the roof. She was hot!

"I've been there too," Rena added, " sometimes as a part of our penalty for losing in our after-school games. And it was fun."

Itsuki blinked his eyes, "What do you mean fun? I mean you wear a sexy uniform at work with some unsavory guys wanting to grope you, thinking you're part of the menu."

"That's okay," Mion said, "no one ever touched Rena." He looked at her saw her happy smile. She looked harmless though. "Why?" He asked.

"Well... Some of them found out the hard way," she replied. Itsuki realized he didn't want to found out as well, hard way or otherwise.

"Hey guys, whatcha up too?" Shion ran to their picnic.

"Glad you can join us, Shion," Rika greeted.

"Yeah, Shion," Satoko joined in the food is great."

"I'm sorry, I'm not asking you little lolies," the twin sister of Mion Sonozaki happily replied, "So who are these guys?" She asked.

"These our guests," Mion replied, "The SOS Brigade." She pointed to Haruhi, Kyon, Itsuki, Taniguchi, Tsuruya, Mikuru, Kunikida, and Yuki. "They claim to specialize in looking for mysteries." She was a little teed from telling her their real intentions.

"Really?" she asked. It was then Kyon, who was long simmering and smiling, stood up.

"That's right, baby." He said, smiling menacingly, "We are the SOS Brigade. We're loli rapers and PC takers. We shoot 'em full of wholes and fill 'em full of lead." Shion felt nervous looking at Kyon and backed away. Her bodyguard Kasai got between her and him.

"Know your limits, boy," he said threateningly. But Keiichi stepped in.

"Be cool my man," he said to Kasai. Then turned to Keiichi, "What's wrong, Kyon? Why so serious?" He tried to humor him. Kyon wasn't pleased.

"Are you the magician of words?" Kyon asked like Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket.

"I'm the Magician of Words," Keiichi proudly said.

"Have you done any magic shows?" he asked threateningly, not letting down the smile. Everyone braced themselves for what's gonna happen next.

"I have when I'm doing anime impressions," Keiichi proudly challenged Kyon's ego.

"You're a real comedian."

"That's why my peeps called me the Magician of Words." He explained.

"Well I got a magic trick for you. I'm gonna tear you a new asshole!"

"Well, little bitch." Keiichi did a John Wayne, "Only after you suck the cream lemon out of my oranges!"

"You talk the talk. Do you walk the walk?" Kyon said impressed. Haruhi decided she had enough of Kyon's behavior.

"That's it, Kyon!" she snapped, "you've made enough crap for one day." She then turned to Shion and smiled apologetically, "I'm sorry if Kyon made any inconvenience to you."

"Well, now that you reined him in, that's okay," Shion said.

"Well, Kyon's one of my peons and he doesn't always _like to follow me_," she frowned, "_Right_, Kyon?" She emphasized those words to get his attention. Kyon just chuckled creepily. Then a blond boy came a long.

"Shion!" Satoshi shouted, "you're here!"

"Satoshi!" she almost screamed. The two began to run romantic to each other. Slow-mo. It sparkled and everyone ducked and covered thier eyes screaming. Then it stopped being romantic and went back to normal.

"Oh Satoshi, Im' so glad you're here," Shion said hugging her love.

"Me too," he exclaimed. I haven't even see you for quite a while." Despite the fact they usually see each others at the Angel Mort and on weekends.

"Nii-nii!" Satoko shouted as he ran to her older brother. He stooped and hugged her too. It was such a heartwarming scene.

"Aren't they so megas romantic together?" Tsuruya dreamily asked.

"I love it," Mikuru cheerily chirped. "They're so dreamy."

But Haruhi had other ideas. "Um, excuse me," she approached them and asked politely, "You're sister told me you're told me you work at Angel Mort, right?"

"Yeah, so?" She asked.

"I want you to secure employment for the SOS Brigade mascot, Mikuru!" She announced, raising her hands at the moe. "She'll be a waitress for most of the week."

"Mikuru? You mean that girl who's wearing a trenchcoat?"

"Uh-huh, Uh-huh!" the genki girl nodded, "Hey... wait a minute!" She turned to Mikuru, who wore a trenchcoat for most of the time. Even the author didn't know about it until now. "Mikuru, what the hell are you wearing a trenchcoat for?" The goddess demanded.

"But Miss Suzumiya," she whimpered, "I couldn't go out like this after you told me to dress up as my... 'luncheon dress'." She's very embarrassed of it.

"Don't be such a wuss, Mikuru," Haruhi blurted, "now take it off!"

"Please, Miss Suzumiya, no!" the moe struggled as the tsundere tried take off the long coat.

"Somebody stop her!" Satoshi pleaded. But everyone just stood their in shock.

"No! Please-!" she tried to repel her.

"I said 'take it off'!" she said and ripped it. It tore the fabric and revealed what Mikuru was wearing underneath: it was a very cute and frilly lolita dress of pink and white. She looked liked a little girl who was going to have her 13th birthday... with Pedobear ready to pounce after she blew the candles. Haruhi was at last ready to embarrass Mikuru again. She turned to everyone "See! With her big boobs, long red hair, and angelic loli face, she could bring spread the word of the Brigade to everyone!" She then started groping her jugs, much to everyone's horror, even more with the rest of the SOS Brigade(Except Kyon).

"Miss Suzumiya! Please stop!" The moe pleaded.

"Hell no, Mikuru!" Haruhi exclaimed, "we're just getting started!"

"That's enough!" Satoshi shouted. The goddess halted her lecherous behavior and Mikuru fainted. She squinted her eyes at the blond boy.

"What did you just say?" Haruhi growled, clearly not liking it when somebody challenges her will over her treatment with Mikuru.

"Excuse me, my good lasy but I couldn't help but be disgusted by your blatant groping of Mikuru." Satoshi said.

"And why is that?" the goddess demanded. "I can do whatever I want with her."

"Because before I left to join you, I came across something more sinister about the SOS Brigade," he explained, "According to the Chris Hansen Pedo Watch, the SOS Brigade is in blatant violation of the child abuse law. Making her pose in those dresses is absolutely horrible."

"And what are you gonna do about it?" Haruhi wants to kill him now.

"I have the right mind to clobber you over the head with my baseball bat."

"Nii-nii," Satoko intervened, hugging him, "don't be so violent. Besides Keiichi took your bat and claimed it as his own."

"Aw, blast," Satoshi muttered in frustration. Then turned to his little sister, "I'm sorry, Satoshi but I can't just stand and let her have her way with Miss Asahina. Remember our traumatic childhood."

"I see," the little girl replied, "Go get that bitch, nii-nii!"

Haruhi smirked, "The knight-in-shining-armor routine, eh? I was expecting a blind bishie boy like you to sound a little... more high-pitched."

"And why?"

"Because in most Japanese anime, they would be voiced by a woman." She smiled triumphantly.

"Your mother was voiced by a woman."

She got pissed. "What the hell! Take it back!"

"Talk to the hand!" He raised his palm at her face.

"You dare diss me? Bring it on!" the tsundere shouted. But then a flash of light exploded from behind. When looked around, Rena was instantly beside Mikuru.

She said, "Your so cute that I can't hold it anymore. I'm taking her home! Omochikaeri!" She grabbed her and tried to run off with the screaming moe, living speed lines and clouds of dust.

"Rena! What the hell are you doing?" Mion shouted.

"I'm taking her home!"

"Hey!" Haruhi shouted, "Nobody's taking my mascot home!" She ran and caught Rena by the hem of the dress. "Now, I demand you to give me back my bimbo." Rena dropped a screaming Mikuru and slowly turned to Miss Suzumiya.

"You say Mikuru belongs to you?" Rena asked creepily, her eyes obscured by her hat.

"Yeah!"

"Rena read the Chris Hansen Pedo Watch too. And also read Mikuru's blog the other night."

"So?"

"I read about how she recalls all the absolutely worst things you did to her like making that fake sexual harassment stuff."

"And so?" Haruhi shot a look back at her creepy catlike eyes.

"From that and the John Smith blog, Rena learned that you always mistreat Mikuru on a daily basis, making her wear dresses and uploading pictures of her on the Internet. I also know that in her blog, she remembers all the terrible things that you did to her and how she had to cope with it everyday."

"What would that be? I want proof!"

"You made her your maid, brewing tea and all. You groped her almost everyday, making her do poses and and act out in crappy movies."

"What!" Haruhi was insulted, "How dare you say that to my movies you little ginger-!"

"Yes, Rena is a ginger," Rena freakily replied. "You said what we said about those things about Mikuru are lies. Tell me, Miss Suzumiya, are the things you did to Mikuru true?"

Haruhi is creeped out for the first time, "Why do always refer to yourself by the third person?"

Rena ignored her, "Tell me the truth, Miss Suzumiya. Did you do those awful things to her?"

She gulped, "No..."

"That's not what I heard..." She creepily giggled.

"Um... nothing you heard from those blogs and rumors are true," the goddess stammered nervously, sweating bullets and trying to put a smile on her face, "I love Mikuru, I loved her like a long lost cousin, right, Mikuru?" The moe nodded slowly. "See," Haruhi pointed, "she says right. What I did is not true."

Rena looked at Mikuru and said, "Miss Asahina, you don't have to protect her. She won't bother you again. Tell me the truth: does Miss Suzumiya do those things to you."

Mikuru let out a tear, "Yes..." Rena instantly turned her eyes at Haruhi.

"Oh no, she just said that cause she's scared," Haruhi laughed nervously, "please, you don't have to take things the wrong way." She turned to Yuki, who was beside Mikuru, "Yuki, everything she said about me mistreating Mikuru are not true, right?"

"No, everything she said is true," Yuki quietly replied in her monotone voice. Haruhi's eyes popped wide open in shock. Rena stared at Haruhi.

"So, Miss Suzumiya, are you telling me that I'm a liar?" she asked.

"No, not at all," she waved her hands helplessly, "you're just being mislead by those Internet crap."

"You're hiding something, aren't you?" She said sweetly, not letting go of her stare and approached her.

She gulped again, "No... it's not true."

"Uso da~(That's a lie)," she replied softly.

"What? I'm not lying,"

"Uso da(That's a lie)." Her voice was a bit louder.

"Seriously, I would never mistreat Mikuru."

"USODA!" She screamed, its echo causing all the crows in the trees to fly for their lives, the windows of North High broke into a thousand pieces, the noise forced the Obama Administration to go to DEFCON 1, and Kyon's ears were flooded with ear-piercing pain that caused him to drop and squirm on the ground covering his ears He breathed heavily... _Flashback_...

The voice asked him, "You're lying, Mason! Where _is_ the numbers station!"

"Not until I get my lawyer!" He shouted back. *_KZZZZT!_* "ARRGHALALALALALALA, PURPLE MONKEY DISHWASHER!" _Flashback ends_...

Everyone was stunned by that. Then when no one was moving, Rena happily picked up Mikuru and went on her way. "Lalalala," she sang as Mikuru squealed. Mion stepped in front of her.

"Okay, stop right there, Rena," she ordered, "you're going too far." She stopped and dropped Mikuru again.

"But I wanna take her home," the red-headed girl wept, "I wanna play with her and be my best friend forever."

"Sorry, Rena but you can't keep her for a friend," she replied.

"How about that Suzumiya bitch?" she asked.

"What!" Haruhi blurted, pissed about being called a bitch.

"Hmm..." Mion paused, "You're right, Rena. Keeping Mikuru with Miss Suzumiya isn't exactly a good idea either."

"But she's my moe and I'm keeping her!" Haruhi shouted. She then approached Rena and poked a finger on her chest, "And she belongs to me! You got that?"

"Rena will kill you if you touch her again," Rena replied. The goddess gulped. She picked up Mikuru.

"Okay, we're gonna go now," she growled when Satoshi stood in her way.

"I'm not gonna let you oppress her any longer," the boy challenged her.

"Back off, blondy or I'll get vicious with you!" She threatened.

Shion doesn't like it when some tsundere threatens her Satoshi-kun. "How about you and me get it on?" She threatened, "no one shouts at Satoshi like that."

"Shion, please-" Satoshi pleaded.

"I know what I'm doing, my love." She put a hand to stop him, "I'll get ugly with her real quick."

Keiichi popped out, "Oh, a catfight. I can't wait."

"Okay, that's enough." Mion finally stood out, "all this macho crap is not gonna help." Everyone is silent. She then added. "Let's ask Mikuru. Mikuru, are the things Miss Suzumiya did to you true?" The moe looked at everyone's faces. She could see some are looking back at her with worry. She then saw Haruhi's angryface with her 'I'll kill you if you tell' expression. She trembled in fear. Keiichi thought, _Blast! My dreams of an epic catfight has been shattered_.

"No..." she repiled cutely

"See!" Haruhi laughed triumphantly. "She's telling the truth. I'm not guilty of abusing her-!"

"Hold it," Mion said, "we're not done yet." She then turned back to Mikuru, "Are you sure?" Mikuru trembled in fear of what Miss Suzumiya will do to her. She could bear to imagine that. She finally broke

"Yes, it's all true. She did abuse me," she wept, "she made a member of her club against my will and do all sorts of things to me." She began crying like a baby. Haruhi was furious about what Mikuru did but backed down when Mion proceeded to cross-examine the rest of the gang. They all told of Haruhi's eccentric behavior. Apparently, Itsuki's the only liar.

"No, she never did that," Itsuki assured.

"Really?" Mion's skeptical.

"I guarantee you that what they say is not true, my word on it." He replied. Mion then interviewed the other boys in the group, who provide a more truthful testimony and Yuki too(Kyon is in no condition to talk for the moment). They said otherwise.

"... Yeah," Kunikda said, "she always makes her wear that purple maid outfit. It turns me on seeing that."

"So..." the green-haired girls eyebrows are raised. "Almost everybody said that you abuse Mikuru on an almost daily basis, is that right?"

"Yup."

"Okay, Miss Suzumiya," She turned to our goddess, "what are you gonna say about that?" Haruhi's face went red and she could only let a out a few embarrassed chuckles. Then she did one thing she could only do...

"I'm taking her back home!" She shouted as she gran with a screaming Mikuru. Just as she was about to leave, Rena tripped on her foot, causing her to fall face forward. Mikuru flew of her arms and glided in the air headlong but luckily landed in Satoshi's arms. She whelped high-pitched and look at the blond boy eye to eye.

"It's okay, Miss Asahina," he said to her, "I got you."

She blushed, "Thank... you, Satoshi-kun."

"No problem," he smiled. It was like a dream. The waves of the ocean crashed against the rocks, a missile launched dramatically into the air and Mt. Fuji erupted as the two were covered in a pink aura with chirping birds. Unfortunately for Shion, her aura just turned dark. She was shocked at the redhead landing on his arms. Everything shattered like cheap glass and she froze, her eyes dilated and twitched uncontrollably while her mouth opened wide. Satoko came to her.

"Shion, my nii-nii made a good catch," she bragged. No answer from Shion. "Shion, is something wrong?" Nothing. She looked at her shell-shocked face, almost as though she ate a spoiled hamburger patty. Shion tried to asked one last time, tugging her skirt. "Shion, are you there?" No answer. Satoko then looked at what she was looking at and saw why she looked shocked: her nii-nii was holding Mikuru in his arms. Satoko wisely decided to hide underneath a cardboard box and walked away from Shion as much as possible, before she starts looking for people to maim and murder that is. Taniguchi approached Shion, however...

"Hey baby, when do you come to work at the Angel Mort?" He asked, believing he can score a girl for sure. Shion instantly turned her rape face at him. Taniguchi immediately turned pale and his eyes went blank. "On second thought, I'll just stay with Tsuruya," he quickly said, running back to LOL-Fang-tan. As he did, Kasai looked at Kyon on the ground. Kyon took a look at him.

"Reznov..." he asked weakly, "is that you?"

Kasai didn't answer for a while, the background noise is a police siren. Then he spoked, "No, buddy. You probably mistook me for someone else." Kyon's face fell back on the dirt. Meanwhile, back to the argument.

"You little bitch," Haruhi spat as she stood up and wiped the dirt from her uniform and face, "I'll kill you for tripping me."

"Rena will not let you harm poor Mikuru again," she said to Haruhi. Haruhi looked at her freaky cat-eyes and froze in fright when Mion shouted.

"Easy, Rena," she said, "we have only one way of dealing with this."

"You're gonna kill us?" Haruhi asked timidly. Dramatic music. Mion smiled.

"No, silly," she replied, "we have another way of settling that matter."

"What's that?" Then epic music played. Mion turned to Rena.

"Rena, you wanted to keep Mikuru here as your friend, to protect her all your life, right?" She aimed a finger at her.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh, I wanna keep her from that Suzumiya monster." She replied excitedly. Haruhi fumed, _What the hell did you just called me?_

"And you Miss Suzumiya," Mion asked her, "Do you want to keep Mikuru as your mascot?"

"Of course like hell," she blurted, "nobody owns that moe but me! Not even God himself!"

"And there's only one way to settle this: the Hinamizawa Aqua Fight!" Echo effect.

"What's that?" she asked.

The green-haired girl exclaimed, "Only the most epic water gun fight in this corner of the world! If you win, you get to keep Mikuru!"

"Alright-!" She shouted for joy.

"But if we win, we let Mikuru stay with us for up until the Watanagashi festival!"

"Aw, fuck!" Haruhi raged. "No fair!"

"Keep your panties on, Miss Suzumiya," Mion said to her, "Everything's fair to you but unfair to everyone else since you roll like a hustler back in your school. But here, we make the rules."

"Alright, fine," Haruhi conceded, pouting like the eternal biatch she is. "We accept it." Then Mion called everyone.

"Okay, everybody!" She hollered, "we're gonna have a water gun fight at school." Everyone cheered and agreed.

"SOS Brigade, school circle!" She ordered. Everyone assembled around her, including Taniguchi and Kunikida carrying around Kyon. "Okay, everyone. Listen up: the gang of Hinamizawans are planning to keep Mikuru in their town until the festival. That means she'll be the next sacrifice to their God Oyashiro-sama. We need to team and play this game hard and fast so we can save Mikuru's life."

"And molest her for the rest of her life," Kunikida added.

"Yes, I'll do that-" Haruhi was about to concede when, "Hey, don't add words when I'm not speaking."

"Oh, sorry," the background boy replied.

"Everyone, all I've ever asked of you is to obey my orders as they would the word of God. We're here to solve a murder cause everything that happens here would someday happen over there."

"Like North Korea?"

"Just shut up, Kunikida!" Haruhi blurted, "Okay everyone, fall out!" They just did. And just as Itsuki was about leave, she grabbed him by the arm, "Itsuki, you're fired as Deputy Chief. I'm handing the position to someone who can cook up a good alibi." She then left him, fuming.

"But it's not me, Haruhi," he tried to explain, "it was Nagato and the..." He was left behind with Rika, "... others." He then turned to the the girl. "Hi little Rika, you like kinda cute today."

She then replied in a strange voice said to Itsuki, "A lie is a lie."

Her ominous wrords left him in cold sweat, "What did you just say?"

"Just because they write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth_._" Rika added.

"What?" Itsuki asked, feeling even more scared.

"Nipah~," she chirped and skipped happily with everyone else. Itsuki gulped his bad feelings away and went along.

**At the school...**

The school building is currently being repaired after Kyon's explosive attack. Everyone assembled at the school a la The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly(yeah, people, the 'Ugly' part belongs to Taniguchi) cowboy-style shootout. Haruhi stared at her opponents from across the field and hated them to their guts. The Sonozaki twins, the Hojou siblings, Rika and Satoko, Rena and Keiichi. Then she realized that something's bugging her.

"Hey, wait a minute," the goddess blurted. "We're shorthanded."

"Really?" Mion asked. "what you mean?" She looked at them and noticed why. "Aw, you're right. We should have known."

"In that case, even the odds by putting Mikuru in our team," she demanded.

"Sorry, Miss Suzumiya. Mikuru's the prize so she can't participate."

"Then what they hell I'm I gonna do if there's eight of you and only seven of us?"

"Let's ask the help of other visitors. It'll be fun," Rika suggested. She turned to number of visitors who were just passing by, "Hey, anyone of you wanna join us?" Some of the visitors stepped forward. From what they could see the visitors are Konata Izumi, Miyuki Takara, and the Hiiragi twins Tsukasa and Kagami.

"Hi ya, everyone," said the happy-go-lucky otaku, "need an extra team player?"

"For Pete's sake, Konata!" Grumbled Kagami, "what the hell are you dragging us into this time?"

"Oh calm down my dear Kagami," the otuka said sweetly, "this is a situation just like in many friendship manga where friendship starts in unusual ways like right now, a simple game where you're invited to fill in for the shorthanded players."

"This isn't an anime or manga, This is freakin' real life!"

"Come on, Kagamin~.You know that you have to loosen some of that weight you gained back at that cake buffet at Angel Mort," Konata teased.

Kagami fumed at rage when someone talks about her weight like that. She then said through her teeth, "Ah... Alright, I'll play." Then Tsukasa asked.

"Umm... are we gonna get wet?" she inquired timidly.

"Of course you will," Konata answered, "it's a water fight."

"Umm... okay." Then Konata turned to Miyuki.

"How 'bout you, Miyuki?" She asked.

"I don't know," she said shyly, "I don't know if I wanna get wet right now."

"That's okay," Mion said, "we'll provide everybody with spare PE gear."

"Okay," she said cheerily, "I'm in. I don't think there's anything wrong with playing with you." Miyuki may be a big-boobed moe but at least she's got some brains compared to Mikuru. Then Emiri Kimidori showed up.

"Hello, Miss Suzumiya," she cheerily said, "what'cha doing here?"

"We're here to save Mikuru," Haruhi replied. "Wanna join?"

"Um, is there anything in it?"

"Let's see..." Haruhi tapped her chin, "we can eat your cookies."

"Deal, I'm in!" She jumped in Team SOS. Then there's something that caught Haruhi by surprise: the Anti-SOS Brigade is here too!

"Huh!" Haruhi's mouth went wide, "what the hell are you losers doing here?"

"What's it look like, superbitch?" Sasaki blurted in her womanly high-pitched voice. "We're taking a vacation."

"And hopefully away from you," Kyouko added, giving her an angry look.

"But screw our luck," Fujiwara added, "you're all fucking here!"

"And you can kiss my ass you sneering blond asshole," Haruhi blasted at Fujiwara, who look liked a Nazi SS officer.

"Don't_worry_, Haru...hi," said Kuyou trying to sound like the G-Man from Half-Life, "We_are_here_to_kick... yours_." The Anti-SOS Brigade sneered at Haruhi. "And_we_will_take_our_bets_with_the_Games...Club." Then all left to change, laughing at her all the way. Haruhi fumed in rage.

"Is that Sasaki and her friends?" Taniguchi asked Haruhi timidly.

"Yes... it's them," Haruhi seethed through her teeth, "we'll play hardball with them so hard that they'll come crying to their mommies. Mount up!" They all did. But Kyon had a different thought for them, especially for Fujiwara. _Friedrich Steiner_, his mind screamed, _you're alive. You must die... All must die!_ Then everyone assembled at the courtyard with Kasai as referee, Emiri and the Lucky Star girls rally behind the SOS Brigade while the Anti-Brigade stood behind the Games Club.

"Hey Haruhi," Kyouko taunted, "too bad they didn't make Kyon the prize!" Haruhi's eyes twitched in irritation at them. Everyone wore PE gear- except Itsuki, who wore a gakuran.

"Hey, why is Itsuki dressed like Sousuke Sagara?" Taniguchi asked.

"'Cause we ran out of PE uniforms so we have him wear Keiichi's old school uniform," Mion explained. Everyone looked at him, he does he look like Sousuke Sagara.

"Wow, Itsuki's a real bishie," sneered Fuji. Kyon's eyes popped wide open. _Did you say he's a VC...?  
_

He explained the rules. "Okay, here are the rules: Rule one, there's a 30-second delay before anyone attacks anyone. Rule two, whatever team stays long the driest wins. Any questions?"

"No," everyone answered, needing not to question the rules.

"Viva la Revolucion," Yuki said in her monotone.

Now that everyone agreed, he said, "Everyone get ready... get set... GO!" Shouted Kasai, firing his shotgun into the air and hitting a bird.

-Higurashi Daybreak OP plays-

the water gun fight began and it was a blast(no pun intended). The battle was intense and everyone is in the thick of it. Haruhi was doing wonders against her opponents but Sasaki is just as good, while Yuki is moving epically Halo-style against the Hojou siblings, while Tsuruya faces against Shion. Itsuki displayed his awesome skills he got from the Esper-firearms training range, Taniguchi was cursing a la Counter Strike('n00b', 'h4x0r', 'camper', 'AWP fag', 'AWP whore',), Kunikida used military terminology.

"Tani," he shouted, "I'm reloading, watch my six!" He dipped his gun into a bucket of water.

"StfU NoOB camper," Taniguchi replied.

"What?" Kuni raged. Then a squirt hit him on the arm. "Shit! Tangos on the right flank."

"Ur on ur owned, n00b," Tani replied. Kunikida pistol-whipped him several times then jammed the still-full bucket on his head and banged it like a bell. Meanwhile, Kagami and Konata are displaying different play-styles: the tsundere prefers to Call of Duty-style rushing while the otaku uses Metal Gear-style stealth on getting her opponents. Others are not doing so well. Tsukasa and Miyuki can't get decent shots and are getting shot at by the OpFor, wailing cutely as they get... wet. Kyouko and Kuyou are clearly enjoying shooting at the two, laughing like bullies when Emiri appeared.

"Hey!" She shouted, "pick on some your own size." She then pumped her water gun at them. But Kuyou quickly used her massive hair as a shield, making all those shots useless. The salad-haired Interface said in disbelief, "Aw crap... wallhacker." Then Kuyou slapped her with her hair. "AAAARRRGGHH!" Emiri screamed as she got pwned to the sky, Team-Rocket style. Then they continued to torment the two cuties. As for Kyon, he was doing fine when Mion appeared with her Akimbo Water Guns. Mikuru watched helplessly at the unfolding drama as the battle for her person- and body- intensifies.

"Looks like I got you, Kyon-kun," she chuckled evilly, "any last words?" The cynic couldn't answer but something saved him... and turned the course of the entire game.

Below the ground the Hamtaro mining crew encountered an obstacle. Churuya rushed and demanded, "What's the bloody hold-up?"

"We've got a rock on our path," Boss explained. "We can drill through it but it'll take a day. We can go around it but we'll be delayed by an hour."

"Any other ideas?" she asked.

"Some C4," he answered.

"Good!" she exclaimed, "blast a hole through that crap." So the hamsters drilled a hole though and stuff it with C4.

"Isn't that a bit too much?" Achakura asked worriedly.

"It's the quick and easy way!" She pressed the button. _BOOM!_

The explosion rocked the school a bit and knocked both Kyon and Mion to the ground. The cynic rolled away but nearly fell into a trap by Satoko. He tapped it and almost went in, although only its top cover caved in, Kyon looked into it breathed hard... he was back in Vietnam and he saw his best men fall down into these stake-filled pits of death. He was having flashbacks again. Then a water balloon exploded nearby, sounding like a grenade and deafening his ears.

-Higurashi Daybreak OP fades and Adagio for Strings begins-

Kyon is starting to crack up now. Everywhere he saw, the very memories in his mind are starting to comeback to him. He saw the chaos of the battlefield. He saw Taniguchi running away from them as he got wet. "_AAAAHHHHHHHH!_" Taniguchi screamed as he got raped by water balloons and squirt guns in slow motion and he kneeled and raised his hands to the sky in an uber-dramatic way. He was doing the Sgt. Elias death scene from Platoon. Then they're coming back now. He looked back to his traumatic time in Vorkuta, his mission for vengeance in Baikunor, Khe Sanh, Hue City, Laos... Rebirth Island.

-Adagio for Strings fades and Black Ops Trailer Music plays-

Something had to be down. He can't take it anymore. He now had cracked for sure. Then he remembered Reznov. "_No one fights alone, Mason_. _Dragovich...Kravchenko...Steiner...All must die.__ Everybody dies, Mason._" He told him. The words are being played back all over again. Kyon can't hold back anymore. He must act. He must fight to survive.

"Take No Prisoners, Comrades!" shouted the Spetsnaz announcer for MW2 multilayer.

"_DIE!_" He screamed. He jumped into the air and back to the playing field. Everyone was stunned. He snatched Mion's guns and did some John Woo-style shooting. He hit his opponents well. Rena tried to line a shot at him but Kyon quickly weaved, dove to the ground and rolled out of her sights(TV Trope's Unnecessary Combat Roll) . Standing up, he then hit Rena repeatedly, causing her to scream for Keiichi's help. Keiichi tried to shoot but Kyon spun and kicked his gun away. He shot him in the face. Then Fujiwara tried to grab him. But the cynic right-hooked him in the face, grabbed his hair and used him as a shield. He began firing at Sasaki, who got hit in the chest.

"Ugh!" she grunted slo-mo and fell. Kyouko watched her plummet to the ground with shock.

"Sasaki!" screamed Kyouko. She then raged, "You will pay, heretic!" Both she and Kuyou jumped in action but they hit a screaming Fuji-kun, whose body rattled with each shot. Then he strafed them wildly, making them wet and ended with an epic slo-mo move.

_HEADSHOT!_ A squirt of water hit Kyouko on the head hard causing her to fall down loudly. Then he pushed Fujiwara face first to the ground brutally. Kyon earned himself 6-killstreak.

"Your air-strike is ready," informed the Spetsnaz guy. He then jumped on Fujiwara's head and backflipped over a wall.

"There he is!" Shouted Mion, "Get him!" Her team responded eagerly but Kyon jumped back on top of the wall and used his killstreak.

"Friendly air-strike inbound," confirmed the Russian.

"Tango sucka!" He shouted as bombs rained on them. Actually it's a high-pressure water hose he got from the school and he started spraying them hard. They squealed like little girls. "Napalm~, baby!"

"Kyon, that's great!" Haruhi cheered. "You're what a good SOS Brigadier should be-!" But the cynic shot her with a stream of high-pressure water. He laughed insanely.

"Tactical Kyon incoming!" Kunikida shouted, "It's over!" He then got hosed badly by Kyon. Then he switched targets, hitting his own screaming teammates. Kagami immediately grabbed Konata and used her to cover herself from the full blast but she still got wet anyway. Tsuruya got hit and Taniguchi too, after he got the bucket out of his head. Yuki was swept away. Now he literally hosed his own team. Except for one... Itsuki, who got wet a little. The esper looked at his freaky psychotic eyes with that smile, he realized his day is screwed.

-Black Ops Trailer Music Ends.-

Kyon stared at Itsuki like he was his next plaything. The esper shuddered in fear at the cynic wanting to kill him. He stammered, "Kyon, what'cha doing?"

Kyon replied menacingly, "Playtime's over, Charlie." He began to pace closer to Itsuki. The esper backed away slowly from him. "What's your real name? Itsuki Koizumi? Sousuke Sagara? Or is it... Victor Charlie?" He flashed his shark-like teeth.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Kyon," Itsuki tried to tell him off, "What's wrong with you? If it's because I was reading a magazine featuring your sister, I'm _really_ sorry!" Kyon then cocked himself like a bullet and dashed at lightspeed, narrowly missing Itsuki but tore the top part of his uniform into shreds, revealing his chiseled body with dramatic effect. Okay, yaoi fangirls, scream yuor hearts out. Then Kyon quickly spun around, ready for another go; this time, he'll not miss. But Itsuki ran away screaming and the chase is on. He went around one side of the school while Kyon circled around the other. Itsuki looked back to see is he's on his ass but he bumped into Kyon. But no kiss!

"Hello Charlie," Kyon greeted as he stood up.

"AAAARRRGGGH!" Itsuki shrieked as he rolled away to the school's vegetable patch. He stood up and took a sign from the patch that said 'carrots'. "Get back! Get back, I tell you! Stay... Stay the hell away from me!" But in Kyon's mind, Itsuki transformed into a Vietcong guy swinging a meat cleaver,"_You, no talk! Play!_ _Bang, Bang, Bang!_ _You shoot G.I., you shoot!_" His violent PTSD went to over 9000!

"YOU CAN'T KILL ME, CHARLIE!" He shouted to Itsuki, "I'll kill you! YOU'LL PAY FOR KILLING ICE CUBE!" He let out a blood-curdling scream a la Rambo. Itsuki ran away like a cat in heat as the cynic went wild.

-William Tell Overture plays-

"_Kyon's coming to kill me!_" He shouted before entering the house of an elderly couple, who was surprised to see him as he barricaded the door and ran off.

"_SEARCH AND DESTROY!_" Kyon shrieked. Then the door exploded as he broke through searching for Itsuki. He looked around and moved on.

Itsuki never knew he would run for his life from Kyon. The esper was entering house-to-house all over the village in an effort to delay him, which is useless as the cynic literally broke through each house like a raging tank. Everytime he looked back, he became more desperate as he got closer until... he reached the cliff outside the village along the road. He stopped short of falling off and was about reverse when he saw Kyon. He had him in his sights; he has no way out. Now Itsuki is caught between a 30-foot drop and an adrenalin-hyped cynic, which is not one of his better days, Kyon lined himself up for the kill, staring into his eyes to savor the fear in him before the moment of truth. Then Kyon exploded like a bullet sending himself against Itsuki until blew him away.

"THIS IS SPARTA!" He shouted as he kicked him on the nuts, breaking through the railings. Itsuki shriekd in pain as he crashed down.

-William Tell Overture ends-

He looked down and grinned, "Kim Il Jong sucks that dick! Ah-Oooh!" He cupped his hands and hollered, dancing his victory dance when everyone else appeared.

"Kyon! What the fuck's wrong with you!" Haruhi shrieked as he pushed him aside. Kyon went back to normal. She looked down to see the esper sprawling at the bottom of the cliff. She called to "Koizumi! Can you hear me! Speak to me!" Down below, Itsuki groaned as he got up shakily on his hands and knees. Everyone was relieved to see him alive when a a 1969 Doge Dart with a madly-laughing driver drove past them and into the cliff- right on Itsuki.

_BOOM!_ The car crashed and exploded into a huge mushroom cloud, right on top of Itsuki. Everyone's eyes popped out when they saw it. Then out of the burning wreckage emerged Conan O'Brien. He then said, "That was expensive." He then ran away when the wreck popped and crackled some more then finally exploded one more time.. Haruhi's mouth went wide open in disbelief of what she just saw. Minutes later, Taniguchi broke the calm.

"So... who won?" He asked everybody. Mion looked at everyone. They're all wet all right, except Rika and Satoko. Their short size saved them from being hosed by Kyon.

She quietly announced the news without excitement, "The Games Club wins the fight." No one could not react to it at all. But that was good news for Rena.

"Yay! I'm taking her home!" She shouted as she grabbed Mikuru and ran off. Meanwhile, Itsuki poked his head out of the wreck as heard the echoing voices topside.

"_Don't worry, Itsuki_," Haruhi called out, "_we're gonna get you outta there!_"

"_How could we save him?_" Keiichi retorted, "_he's now a charcoal briquette!_" And the esper then slumped his head on the ground.

* * *

**Wow, now Kyon's lost it and Mikuru got taken home by Rena! And Itsuki's got a taste of insanity. Will our heroes save the day? Find out on the next chapter. Rika's ominous words to Itsuki is a reference to the Black Ops World Premier trailer.  
**


	8. Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni Part 4

**Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni-Part 4  
**

**South Park has finally come to town! And Julia lodges at Norman Bate's inn? Oh my God, what have I done to write such a horrible abomination? Who cares! Just sink into the hysteria and see what happens. Special credit goes to** **Gladiator Beast MCK and his The Mirage of Haruhi Suzumiya for giving me the idea of the multi-crossover plot and giving it music. And special thanks to Elred Bluegreen.**

**Freaky Afternoon**

**At the tunnel...**

The smoked cleared and the dust settled sufficiently to allow the soot-covered chibis and hamsters to inspect the extent of the explosion. Achakura coughed while Churuya chirped happily, "Holy shit, you see that friggin' rock come apart, Achakura? Shit, I've never seen rocks explode like that before, man."

Achakura blurted to her, "Are you trying to get us killed? That was danger close."

"Aw, screw it, little Achakura," she replied to her, "By midnight, we'll be cracking the mother lode and rollin' in smoked cheese."

"But how are supposed to get all the stuff out? Can't we just get a piece of that stuff and go home?" Churuya instantly turned around at her blue-haired sidekick.

"What?" she asked, "Are we here to take a piece? Is that why we're here? No! I'm not here to take a piece, or two pieces, or three! I'M HERE TO TAKE THE WHOLE THING! And I'm not gonna chicken out 'cause someone's says that it's too risky. Now, answer me this one, Achakura: Are you in or out?"

Achakura gulped, "Uh... Yes, I guess."

"Good! That's the spirit, Achakura. Play the game like you've got nothing to lose." Churuya then turned to the hamsters, "Alright, ham-hams, let's get this show on the road!" The hamsters snapped back into formation and began working again.

"Looks like she watched Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve and The Italian Job far too many times," Achakura muttered to herself as she went along with them.

**Esper Command...**

Echoing into emptiness, Itsuki was replaying the scene in his mind where his bosses talked to him before his friends gathered around to rescue him. At the Agency situation room, among the digital screens watching the world, one of them comtained the map of Hinamizawa. Operators on it were alert to a red dot that appeared at the village.

"Sir," one of them turned to General Shepherd, "one of our agents on location-6934-is down. His transponder is activated."

"My God..." Shepherd muttered, "see if we can patch him through, Jack."

Just as Itsuki crawled out of Conan O'Brien's car, amidst the burning and the popping of corn from the trunk , his codec rang. He heard Shepherd's voice, "_Koizumi, talk to me. Are you there?_"

With that, he put it on talk and said in a slurred voice, "Hellooo... This is Snake..."

"_Cut that crap,_" Shepherd snapped, "_what happened to you?_"

"Kyon...," he breathed, "he went loco..." Back at the sit-room, Gendo Ikari appeared.

"Let me talk to Koizumi," he said to General Shepherd.

"Not until I assess the situation on the ground with him," he curtly replied, "Koizumi, do you have fix on Arakawa's position?"

A pause, "_No..._," the esper croaked in despair.

"Okay, give me the codec," Gendo ordered Shepherd.

"Hell no, Ikari," he snapped back, "go back to your pastime of groping innocent sexy fourteen year-olds."

"Just let me talk to him, goddamnit!" He tried to pry the receiver out of his hand.

"Up yours, you frigging bureaucrat!" Shepherd pushed his head away with his hand.

Over the codec, he could hear their fight. "_Give me that!_" Shepherd shouted.

"_Let go!_" Ikari snapped.

"_Give me the fucking piece!_"

"_Fuck off!_" And there were sounds of a brief scuffle which ended with a audibe '_whack!_'. Then he heard Ikari's voice.

"_Koizumi, what the hell happened to your mission?_" He demanded.

"I don't know..." Itsuki wearily replied, "I just got butt-fucked by Kyon."

"_Do you have any trace of his whereabouts? Do you have his intel?_"

"I told you!" He moaned, "I don't have anything on him yet!"

"_Don't give me excuses, Koizumi,_" he said icily, "_We're a results oriented agency, and I want my results__._"

"But how could I if I'm stuck in a car!"

"_Listen, the director would be reviewing our performance this month and he will be reviewing our budget. If you don't get us Arakawa soon, you better start packing your bags 'cause I'll send you on the first flight to Greenland_." He hung couldn't quite believe what he just heard. He put it on talk again.

"What's your name, sir?" he asked.

"_Gendo Ikari, and don't talk to me again. Not until this job's finished,_" he coldly snapped. He heard a click on the other end.

"Greenland...?" Itsuki said to himself. He then proceeded to do one thing he thought he would never do. He shrieked, "AHHH! Fuck you, Ikari! Stupid fucking bureaucratic self-promoter! When I come back, I'll shove a large stack of weed up your ass to see if you get high up your crack! I'll use Johnny Cage's Yoga C(bleep!)kpunch!" And Itsuki became a HELL of a lot liberal with his profanities when everyone appeared. Haruhi looked at the foul-mouth ranting esper before she decided to whack on him on the head. He moaned loudly.

"Oh my God!" Keiichi was stunned, "he has Tourette's syndrome!"

As they pulled him out of the wreckage, Haruhi ordered to a moaning Itsuki, "Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain!" And the echo into his mind, "_Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain...!_

**The Irie Clinic...**

He then woke up with a hazy field of view, light bearing down on his eyes that caused him to see colors. He groaned loudly. Then his vision got better. He saw a good-looking doctor. He had a nice smile and a voice of a feathery English dandy. The esper realized that he was lying on a bed.

"I see that you're okay, Mr. Koizumi," He said to Itsuki. Something's not right when he looked at his face. He also noticed that he was wearing a hospital gown and then he looked at his side and so what was left of his clothes and the codec lying on a gurney.

"Where am I?" He asked wearily, standing up. He also noticed that he was wearing a semi-transparent hospital gown.

"Oh, Mr. Koizumi," he replied cheerily, "you're in my clinic." Itsuki was relieved that he was in the clinic and not in the torture/brainwashing ward of Kyouko's agency.

"Oh thanks," he said. Then he asked him a question. "Are you Dr. Hannibal Lecter?" The doctor chuckled.

"Oh, heavens no," he answered, "I'm Dr. Irie, director of the Irie Clinic. Dr. Hannibal Lecter is out of town giving a lecture to a university."

"I thought you're Dr. Lecter."

"You're all mistaken," he explained, "everybody thinks he works here although his specialty is psychology. Still, he does help out pro bono at my clinic from time to time. He's also nice man too." The doctor smiled.

"Where is he right now?" Inquired Itsuki.

"He's currently lecturing at Tokyo and a school in the south called North High right now but he'll be back here for the festival."

"So, Dr. Lecter comes back here to enjoy the festival?"

"That's right. You know, the reason why Hinamizawa became so popular is because he invited his friends here, not the murders," Irie explained with his feathery English voice.

"I see," he replied, "that's an interesting fact of the day-" Itsuki groaned loudly. "God, it hurts..."

"Oh my, we shouldn't have been talking for that long," Irie said, "lie down please."

Itsuki didn't hear and got off the bed, "Speaking of which... can you tell me about the murders here?"

"Mr. Koizumi, please lie down so I can administer your treatment." The doctor asked.

"Please, Dr. Irie," he pleaded, "I need to know- Ugh!"

"Mr. Koizumi," Irie reminded him, "get on the bed, lie down and stay there until I'm finished with my business."

"Oh... alright," Itsuki said, conceding to that order. He can't ask about anything, not right now.

"Oh Mr. Koizumi, your shoulders are so rugged and tense. I have a lollipop for when this is all finished-it's in my pants."

"Okay," the esper cheered, "let's get it on. I don't have my Twinkie with me though."

"Trust me, Mr. Koizumi, a lollipop is better than a Twinkie."

"Oh, that's nice," Itsuki said happily, "so this your clinic."

"Yes, quite certainly so..." And they did some small talk. Outside the room...

"Kyon, that's disgusting," Haruhi muttered as Kyon ate a snack, a fruitcake out of a can(yes, a can). Both of them had change back to their highschool uniforms.

"It's what they ate back in 'Nam," he replied as he forked another piece from the tin.

"But this isn't Saigon now, we're in Hinamizawa," she snapped at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he said being uninterested.

"And you owe Itsuki an apology," she added.

"After I finish my fruitcake." Kyon said nonchalantly. Haruhi sighed, crossed her arms and pouted. Inside something's cooking up. They can hear it from their seats.

"_That must have been a bad fall for you, Mr. Koizumi,_" Irie commented.

"_Yeah, I know and it hurts even more when Conan O' Brien crashed his car on top of me,_" Itsuki asked. Then he asked, "_Dr. Irie... what are you doing?_"

"_Oh, Mr. Koizumi,_" the doctor replied, "_don't worry. I'm just about to take your temperature._" Several seconds of silence... then came out a high-pitched girl-like shriek with the sounds of a wild struggle.

_BOOM! _

Itsuki burst through the door, startling Haruhi and Kyon. "AAAARRRGGHH!" He screamed as he ran out of the room, "Keep away from me, Dr. Teabagger!" He ran around screaming, wearing nothing but a hospital gown. "Go away from me, Dr. Buttraider! PhD in Assmastery! _Backdoor exploration!_" The esper ranted.

They sat there, being pretty shocked by what they saw, a piece of fruitcake fell from Kyon's gaping mouth, but what's next made their eye pop wide open. Emerging from the room is Dr. Irie-with his pants down. Inside, they peered and saw the room was a total wreck. He tried to plead to Itsuki with his pants still on his ankle, "Koizumi-kun, please wait! I still have to treat you~!"

But Itsuki only replied poetically, "Treatment? How dare you do the unnaturral, o fondler of of male youth not of age!"

"I'm sorry, maybe I was a little hasty," Apologized Irie.

"Sorry?" Itsuki half-screamed, "you were trying to bugger me, Dr. Eerie! You were trying to violate me with your..." he whispered, "'lollipop'!"

"Please calm down, Mr. Koizumi, don't make it worse. I was just trying to help you." He pleaded again.

"'Help me?' With what! Your patented cherry-flavored candyball-on-a-stick? You should be sent to the happy farm!" Judging by this conversation, Kyon realized he's straight after all.

"But please, I only want to have someone to drink milkshakes together with," the doctor replied dramatically.

"Well, I'm not gonna drink milkshakes with you!" Itsuki screamed. "I'm going to ask Zeus, Lord of Olympus, to shove a lightning bolt up your ass!"

"Please Koizumi-kun, don't be over dramatic." Irie said to him, "I just wanted to feel wanted."

"You will! When I report you to the police!" the esper snapped at him. There was some silence. Then Irie finally spoke.

"Oh Koizumi-kun, you're calm now. I think we should continue the treatment."

"ARRRRGGGH!" Itsuki screamed girlishly and ran off.

Outisde, at the reception lobby, Takano Miyo, the nurse on station, is getting holding a clip-holder to see who's on the appointment roster. She said, "Like, next person please."

"_ARRRGHHH!_" A shout from inside and Itsuki broke the door open. Dressing in the hospital gown, the patients were shocked to see a butt-naked boy running around. He looked to them and screamed, "Please, o you decent senior citizens! Turn back, I say, from this charlatan who masquerades here like a man of science! A man who took the oath of Hippocrates and perverted it for his own ends! Hide your lovers, hide your husbands!..." He whispered, "... Hide your sons." Some of the old women among them are have blood trickling down their noses.

"Koizumi-kun, please wait," Irie called in his flighty gay voice.

"To hell with thou, o fiend! Thou must burn in the thousand fires of Hades to pay for your unnatural 'inclinations'!" He pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Please don't make a scene, Koizumi-kun," he replied, "I would like to preserve the peaceful atmosphere of my clinic."

"How can I not refrain from that if you keep on using 'kun' on me? If you're trying to 'probe' me?" He wailed back.

"Calm down, Itsuki," the doctor said, "let's just settle this peacefully. Don't be naughty~."

His eyes went wide open, "You said my first name?" He nodded with a grin. Itsuki turned to the crowd, "He said my first name? He said my first name? You said my first name? Arrggh! I can't take it anymore! ARRRGGH!" He dashed out through the door and into the parking lot, shrieking and running around like a headless chicken until an ambulance came to a screeching halt, hitting and sending him flying into the nearby trees, hurting him some more.

"That was a mighty fine peepshow you gave to us, Dr. Irie," one of the old ladies said to the doctor with a naughty smile. Haruhi and Kyon were still too much in shock to do anything.

"Hey Haruhi," Kyon asked, not letting go off that stare, "Wanna go get Itsuki?"

"Ugh... sure," she replied still nonplussed.

"Good, I'll go get his stuff." Then Kyon went back to the room to retrieve the esper's belongings while Haruhi went outside to get Itsuki, And the crew of the ambulance that crashed into him unloaded to transfer the Anti-SOS Brigade to a hospital, despite the fact they suffered only light injuries compared to Itsuki, _who_ was the one to actually suffer the most. Then he heard a bunch of patients talk amongst themselves.

"Oh really? He must have been snatched by a demon," said one of them.

"Oh yeah, the creepy British guy," remarked another. He then asked, "Who was he?"

"I think his name's Frank Cotton. And ever since he disappeared, we've got more tourist coming and going to our town ever since," added a third.

"Wait, how about the way it gave a bad name to our town?" Asked the first.

"Oh yeah," the second said, "when Tony Blair paid a visit."

A fourth complained, "Why can't these tourist just keep their noses to themselves? I hoped they all end up the same way." Kyon sat by to record the entire conversation.

**Earlier...**

Rena was joyfully carrying the screaming moe on her arms when she was accosted by Taniugchi, Mion and Tsuruya. Tsuruya challenged her. "Give me my best friend back!"

"No!" She retorted, "We won so I get to keep to Mikuru with me!" She tried to move to another direction but LOL Fang-tan blocked her.

"I said her back!" She growled, flashing her fang.

"No!" She shouted back. That pissed of the cheese addict. Mion tried to mediate.

"Let's not get hasty, Miss Tsuruya-" She said trying to placate her but she was knocked her out of the way the raging cheese-eater.

"Why I oughta-!" Tsuruya grumbled as she approached Rena. She looked menacing enough but Rena, being the cute one, doesn't want to fight her. Then the ginger came up with an idea.

"If you let me through, I'll give some smoked cheese." Rena chriped.

Tsuruya shouted with glee, "What! Really! Where is it?"

"It's in my locker back in the school," she said slyly.

"Okay, smoked cheese, here I come!" She yelled.

"No, wait!" Mion tried to warn her, "It's not what you think! It's not smoked cheese, it's-" Too late, she rushed back to the school, leaving speed lines, dust clouds and a sonic boom.

Tsuruya got her locker anyway. On it is the name RYUUGU. Out of her sheer excitement she opened it with her bare hands, making the metal scrunch loudly as she ripped the door apart and threw it away, and saw the edible gold cubes she's been looking for. Then she gobbled them up in one mouthful- with the plastic still on- and chewed happily until...

"_BLEEEAAARRRRGHH, NYORO~!_" A loud grumbling noise came from the direction of the school. It darkened the day.

"That's my stale Limburger cheese which has been sitting in my locker for four months," she happily explained and got away. Mion and Taniguchi were stunned by what they just heard.

"Tsuruya!" Taniguchi screamed in distress and ran to do the school. He went to the lockers and was distraught to see an unconscious Tsuruya, her eyes turned into swirls. He knelt and wailed, "Oh Tsuruya, why did I let you go there on your own? Why!" He began sobbing when she gave out signs of life. "Tsuruya! You're alive! Thank God!"

Overjoyed, he added "Don't worry, Churuya! I'll save you!" He thought of giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but he doesn't like to relish the rancid taste of cheese in her mouth so he decided to do CPR. He proceeded to put placed his clasped hands on her chest.

**_WHACK!_** The playboy instantly received a large fist on the mouth from LOL Fang-tan. Apparently, she hates it when Taniguchi administers life-saving first aid. Meanwhile...

Rena had finally took Mikuru to her house. Inside she put her on a comfy armchair. "We're here, Mikuru! Welcome to my humble abode. Now sit here and be comfortable while I fix up a snack."

Mikuru paused for a few seconds. "Um... okay."

"Great, we'll have a great time together. And don't forget to meet Kenta-kun." She said pointing to another chair before she skipped to the kitchen. Mikuru turned her head to the other chair and saw an old man cosplaying as Colonel Sanders.

"Uh..." Mikuru was wierded out by that sight, "good afternoon, Col. Sanders."

"Mikuru," he said to her, "if you knew me, I'm not Col. Sanders." Mikuru blinked her eyes thrice in bewilderment on realizing who it was. The face was familiar and so is the voice.

"Arakawa?" She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

"That's right, Mikuru," he replied, "it's me from the island mansion." He fumbled his tea cup and saucer a bit.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, not feeling good within.

"It's a long story, Miss Asahina but to make it short," he related, "I was on a routine assignment when I have mysterious people following me. I was able to get away by dressing up as the colonel near a KFC restaurant but this girl came and took me home as a collectible."

"She did?" She huddled herself.

"Yes, and I've been here ever since." He frowned, looking at his tea cup.

"So... what's it like being here with her?" She inquired, naturally being curious.

"Well, it's not that bad. She serves me snacks and we play board games together. We watch anime DVDs and..."

"And what?" Mikuru asked, "you made her feel... happy?" She got the wrong message.

"No, no, Mikuru," he placated, "that's not what you think. I'm not that kind of person." Clearly, yeah. Which would explain why he never scored with Mori.

"Oh," she chirped.

"Ah, yes. And we would drink..." He paused. "WHAT I'M I SAYING!" He screamed, "She's keeping me here against my will! She's forcing to do all this cute stuff and make me wear pink dresses! She thinks I'm a living toy!" He bowed down and sobbed. She grabbed Mikuru by the collar of her dress and shook her. "Are you here to rescue me? Please say that you are!"

"Kenta-kun... What are you doing?" Rena stood at the doorway of the kitchen. The kitchen lights shown behind, casting a scary Omen-like shadow. And her freaky cat-like eyes shown too. She slowly walked to them. "What are you doing with Mikuru?"

He quickly got back to his seat, "Ugh, nothing to worry about, Miss Rena. I'm just having a little chat with our new friend, Miss Mikuru." He quickly put on an embarrassed smile. Rena wasn't pleased.

"What were you talking about?" She inquired, not letting that stare of hers go.

"Um... we were just talking about some things that Mikuru would like to do today," he chuckled awkwardly, "Right, Mikuru?" He nudged Mikuru with his elbow.

"Yes, that's right," Mikuru quickly said. Then Rena smiled back to her cute happy self.

"Thanks for reminding me, Kenta-kun," she chirped, "we should play something!"

"Yes, yes, that's right," Arakawa nodded instantly, "we should play a game." But Rena got her face close to his.

"Oh no," she noted worriedly, "you forgot to take your happy medicine. But don't worry, Rena will feed you."

"Ugh, thanks, Miss Rena," Mikuru said, "but he's not into them today."

"Nonsense," she replied, "he needs it badly." She took a spoon and a bottle of cough syrup. She poured some of it into the spoon and proceeded to feed him. "Say 'A', Kenta-kun."

"Oh please, Rena," he said back pretending to blush, "you're so kind but I can't take it right now." Rena then tickled him into laughing and shoved the spoon into his throat. "*Ulp!*" She pulled it out.

"There," she said cutely, "feeling better?" Arakawa just sat there with a stunned look on his face.

"Mr. Arakawa, ugh, I mean Kenta-kun," Mikuru asked her, "are you okay?" In flash, Arakawa jumped from the chair and stood out.

"Why, I feel a little flighty, deary!" Arakawa replied in a bubbly voice. His face is all sunny with cute eyes, looking like he just came out of looney town. "I'm ready to have some fun today!"

"Yay, Kenta-kun is ready to play," Rena danced to her feet. "Miss Mikuru, wanna join us?"

"Well, ugh..." Mikuru was undecided, seeing the crazy turn of events.

But Arakawa danced like a fairy and said, "Please Mikuru, don't be a killjoy! We will have so many adventures together! Better than Miss Suzumiya's club! We will be best friends with Rena forever!"

The moe mulled over what they said. Rena, for all her weirdness, is being nice to her. She then went back to her time with the SOS Brigade. She thought back to Haruhi, the jerk goddess who abused her almost everyday. She realized about how much she actually hated her, her eyes went on fire. She then went to Kyon, the levelheaded cynic of the Brigade. She loved about how much he defended her from Haruhi's wrath one too many times. But seeing him crack up that day, she decided not to have sex with that psycho. There's Itsuki, the smiley-faced prick who served as Haruhi's lapdog. He's always rambling something psychological to Kyon, all the while she gets raped by Haru-whore Suzumiya. He also think that he's probably a gay or something since he talks to Kyon most of the time. And with that creepy smile, no doubt that he's a pedophile. So Itsuki Koizumi is just second on her hate list. There's Yuki... Well, Yuki doesn't do much anyway. She turned back to Rena. She noticed her face is cute and full of happiness. She also realized that something's fuzzy inside her is coming up. She couldn't describe it though but she liked the way she stood up to that bitch Suzumiya. She looked at Arakawa and decided that she doesn't care much about him.

"So, Mikuru. Wanna have some fun?" Rena asked cutely, swaying her body happily. There's something about her that made her feel warm and strange.

"Yes!" she cutely agreed. "let's have a good time!"

Both Rena and Arakawa jumped to their feet, "Hooray!"

She took Mikuru by the hands and danced with her, "That's wonderful, Mikuru! Let's watch my Visions of Escaflowne and Tokyo Mew Mew DVDs!"

Surprised that she watches her favorite anime, she shouted jubilantly, "You watch them?"

"Yeah, and what are we waiting for, Mikuru? Let's go!"

Arakawa jumped in, "And drink lemon-flavored cream soda!"

"Yay!" All three of them shouted together and sung the latter anime's crappy English OP, "_Team up, team up are you up for it? Put your hand in mine, it's a perfect fit! Team up, team up, are you up for it?_"

Outside Satoshi was just passing by when he heard them sing it and he muttered to herself, "Please don't sing that song 'cause it sounds like shit."

**Puzzle box from Hell...**

"According to Wikipedia, this thing is the Lament Configuration," Rika explained to Hanyuu pointing to the computer screen while the box sat next to the monitor. "It's a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence. The solution of the puzzle creates a bridge through which beings may travel in either direction across this 'Schism'."

"Oh my," Hanyuu shivered. "Is that all?"

"No, that's not all," she continued, "The inhabitants of these other realms may seem demonic to humans. Yeah, you're right, Hanyuu. This thing could be a gateway to Hell." The horned little girl shivered from knowing just another deadly fact about that little box.

"Read the history section then," she said to Rika.

"Alright," she clicked on it. She said to her, "It's a part of a collection known as Lermachand's boxes created by Philip Lemarchand, who makes toys and singing birds. But the Lament Configuration was made specially for a French nobleman who is obsessed with black magic named Duc de L'Isle. Apparently, this guy wants to go to hell early."

"This doesn't look good. First, a creepy British guy disappears during the night of last year's festival and now, in his possession is a puzzle box that leads people to Satan himself," Hanyuu muttered worriedly.

"Not to mention some Viagra, a novel by Marquee De Sade, and gay porn," Rika muttered. "What the hell is he doing with it anyway?"

"Um..." Hanyuu suggested, "I think he stole it from the mob?"

Rika mulled over that for a while. Then she said, "No, I don't think so. If he stole it from the mob, why the hell would he come all the way here to Hinamizawa?"

"Um, maybe Shion ordered it?"

"I doubt she could afford something like that or even know how to use it," Rika icily replied. Then as she got off the chair to give herself another drink, she knocked an old book of the shelf titled _TV Tropes' Guide to Artifacts of Doom_. "Oh God, clumsy me." She looked at the book rather curiously, "What is this...?" She opened it and read it.

"Hau~," Hanyuu whelped as they did, "this book states that Lament Configuration is used to summon the most hedonistic supernatural pleasures of the universe. It's been in the hands of infamous murderers and sadists since its creation and often used in gruesome occult rituals."

"Oh God," Rika shuddered, "what the hell was he planning to do with this thing?"

"I don't think it's a good idea to keep it here," Haynuu whined.

"You're right. But there's one where we can trust someone to hide it. For now, it's happy hour." She closed the book and went to the table to drink some more wine.

**South Park tour...**

Mion and Keiichi were at the Overlook talking about the crazy events of the day.

"Just our luck, Mion," He began, "First, we have Mr. SM Fetishist disappear on the night of our fine festival. Now we have a Deadpan Snarker who went Paranoia Agent on everyone's asses."

"It couldn't get any worst, Keiichi," Mion replied, "We have a bunch of townspeople coming from America to visit our town on a goodwill tour."

"It sounds like Oyashiro is bringing more problems to our town for opening up." He moaned.

"Hey, get a hold of yourself," She shook him, "not as the worst the live action versions ourselves in the real world."

"Oh yeah," He agreed, "It couldn't get any worst." Yes, their live action versions do look crappy.

"All we have to do is think positive," Mion suggested.

"Think positive," he repeated. It felt relieving to him.

"Yes, Keiichi. Think positive."

"Think positive." He breathed in.

"Think positive." There was pause. Mion then asked. "Now... how are you feeling?"

"I feel better already," he replied. "It was like the time when Shion whipped your sexy ass."

Mion's face went red with anger, "You told me there was no film in that camera!"

"I lied," Keiichi sticked out his tongue. Mion grunted. Then her cellphone alarm went off. She took it out and looked at it. It read 2: 15.

Keiichi then looked through the binoculars, "Oh my God, Mion. The tourists are here early."

"Oh shit!" She got to her feet, "Keiichi, come with me!" The two ran off back to the village to get ready.

A large crowd of people were walking to into the village. One of them, Randy Marsh, said to his wife, "Hey, honey check it out. The beauty of rural Japan."

"My God, it's wonderful. We should come here on our anniversary," Sharon Marsh chirped.

"One of the wonderful things about a trip sponsored by the State of Colorado," Herbert Garrison said to his sock puppet, "right, Mr. Hat?" Then he spoke to himself... as Mr. Hat, "We sure do, Mr. Garrison. Now when do we get to fuck some Asian maid hoes?"

Among the crowd, however, their little ones are enjoying it. Less than they expected.

"So... this is rural Japan?" Kyle said almost as if he was something disappointing.

"Hey guys," Stan pointed to a sign near the shrine, "check out it. What does it say?"

"Let me read the phrasebook," Cartman said, "Oh sorry, Kyle. No Jews allowed at this point."

"Dammit, Cartman," Kyle retorted, "That's not what it says!"

Mion appeared and said to them, "It says 'no littering'."

Kyle was stunned, "I'm Mion Sonozaki."

Then Keiichi appeared, "And I'm Keiichi Meabara. And today we're gonna be your tour guides." *Stereotypical anime shine*

The boys jumped back in surprise. Stan spoke out, "You're our tour guides."

"Why, yes," Keiichi replied happily, "we're here to foster friendship and promote cross-cultural understanding."

"Wow, dude, that's bad ass," Kyle said.

Then Mayor McDaniels showed up, "Thank you boys for meeting our guides." She then turned to them, "Konichiwa, Maebara-san, Sonozaki-san." And they spoke Japanese, to which the boys just wouldn't bother to understand.

"Goddamint," Cartman said, "this place is worst than Asspen."

"For once in my life, Cartman, I do agree," Kyle remarked.

"That Sonozaki," the fatboy mused, "her name sounds Jewish."

"Goddamnit, Cartman!" Kyle snapped, "enough with that freakin' Jewish slur."

"I got an idea," Stan suggested, "why don't we ditch this tour and go on our own." The other boys cheered.

"Great, idea, Stan. Let's go while they're to busy with those two." Cartman said.

"Hey fellas," Butters said, "Can I tag along?"

"Hell no, Butters," Cartman fumed, "you can't go with us. Your folks would be awfully pissed if you're lost."

Kenny said through his hood, "_Yeah, you're a pussy. You'll probably not make it back to the hotel if you do get lost._"

"C'mon guys, let's ditch this turd," Cartman suggested and they left him. And the poor boy sighed

Butters looked all around his new surroundings: the exotic world of rural Japan. Everywhere he looked it felt like he was in a totally different world. Sure, he knew what Japan is from social studies class and anime. This was an altogether different story. And he's a somewhat frightened.

As he looked around, his eyes met with purple eyes of, amazingly, a blond girl. _They have blond people living here on Japan?_ He thought with surprise. The mild-mannered boy had an unexplained feeling: butterflies were flying in his stomach, his heart had beat faster and faster, he felt the world had come a halt... And he felt a little awkward.

"Uh, hello there," greeted the girl politely. he couldn't answer quickly. He was at a loss of words, partly from his awkwardness and partly from his parents' warning: _'Don't talk to strangers or you'll be grounded for the rest of the trip._' He most certainly didn't want that.

"Um... excuse me?" She said to him again. Jolted out of his lapse, he straightened his back and put on his best behavior.

"Um," he stammered, "It's a pleasant afternoon to meet you, ma'am." His words were very polite and formal, befitting the way he was raised in contrast to the 'pleasant' ways his parents are currently treating him.

The girl chuckled appreciatively, "That was cute."

"Really?" He asked, his face turning a little red.

"Yeah, I never heard anyone sound like that before." Her laughter sounded like sunshine to him.

"Gee whiz," he twiddled with his fingers, "Thanks for the complement. And by the way, My name is Leopold Stotch," he said more openly, "but you can call me Butters."

"That's a nice name," the girl replied, "I'm Satoko Hojo."

"Wow, that's a wonderful name," he replied.

"Really?" She asked in wonder.

"Yeah, that's right. I've never heard of it before." He gazed at her angelic fanged face.

"What do you think of our town?"

"Wow, it's wonderful!" He exclaimed, "I never see this place so green in my entire life. And it's better than Aspen."

"Hinamizawa is the most beautiful place in the world" Satoko mused, "I'll show to a lot of places. Wanna come?" That question surprised Butters. He was thinking about whether to go with her or not. If he does, he'll have a great time in his life but he'll be grounded. If he doesn't he'll miss out in all the fun. But his friends are going around the village too. He looked at his parents. He thought, _Ah, I'll just take a walk with her for a while. It won't take long_.

"Yeah, I'll go," Butters happily replied.

"You will? That's terrific," she grabbed his hand, "Come on, I'll show you around." Then the two left the crowd and moved to places not covered by the tour.

**Ominous Rika...**

As for the boys, they entered a part of the village ahead of their fellow South Parkers. They noticed a shrine with a few people coming and going. Stan said, "Hey guys, check it out."

"Wow," Cartman exclaimed in awe, "this must be their synagogue."

"Shut up, fatboy!" Kyle retorted. It's amazing Cartman cracks up a Jew joke now and again. Kenny mumbled and pointed at .

Stan said, "Oh look you guys, there's a statue at the middle." He pointed to where Kenny pointed. It's a statue standing in the middle. They looked at it in awe.

"What's it say?" Kyle asked.

"It said like...," Cartman turned to the phrasebook, "'Oyashiro-sama.'"

Kenny muttered something when he saw a sign.

"Hey," Stan said, "Kenny said that Oyashiro-sama is Lord Jesus in Japanese."

Cartman was surprised,"What? I didn't know they listen to gospel music here."

"I don't think that's what it says," Rika said to them. The boys are stunned by her appearance.

"Then... what does it say?" Kyle asked hesitantly. He's very scared about Rika's sudden appearance.

"It's says that this is his shrine and you must treat it with reverence," Rika replied ominously. "Beware of the village."

"What...?" The boys shuddered.

Then Rika chirped in a deep loud baritone, "NIPAH~" And she chuckled in her normal voice and left.

"Yeah...," Kyle said, "we do." Then the boys resumed their tour.

**Shacking up...**

Julia Cotton approached the lonely inn surrounded by dead trees full of crows. The anemic neon sign said, BATE'S OVERLOOK INN with the 'NO' in NO VACANCY permanently flickering. She felt some shivers in her spine. The inn is located in the loneliest part of town and is the home of one of the village's two foreign residents. Alone. Perfect. She walked into the house.

She stepped on the porch and knocked the door. It opened and revealed a man who looked rather harmless. "Good afternoon. Can I help you?" He asked.

"Good afternoon," she returned the greeting, "do you have vacancy?"

"Ah yes, we do," he replied happily in a business-like tone of voice. Julia however noticed a change in his eyes.

She ignored it, "I see you don't have a lot of costumers." She looked around.

"Yeah, that's bad luck for me," he replied, "how long do you plan to stay here?"

"Up until the festival," she replied.

"Oh," he cheered, "that's wonderful. That's one of the highlights of the town." He took a list book from a stand and told her, "Just sign your name right here." She did. And noticed that it's almost empty. And it's full off female names without a check-out date.

"Um, thank you, Mr..."

"Norman Bates."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bates.

"Um, thanking you. You can call me Norman." They shook hands then he left to the back. He went away with his his hands twitching. "I have to go to the kitchen now."

"Okay, sure." Julia replied. And she thought evilly, _I have big plans for you_.

**Sundown at the village**...

They finally returned back to the bunker. Inside, the chibis nursed a dazed Tsuruya and and knocked-out Taniguchi back to consciousness and served tea.

"So they're talking about all the about that tourist guy, Frank Cotton?" Haruhi interrogated Kyon.

"Yup, they sure did," he replied. "This tourist guy probably creeped out the locals."

"Hmm, sounds like they've got a motive to make him 'disappear.'"

"C'mon, Haruhi," Kyon facepalmed, "it's all speculation for now so let's not jump into conclusions."

"Now, now, Kyon, don't be so naive." Haruhi scolded. "We're looking for conclusions, right?"

"Yes, but..."

"So jumping to conclusions is a GOOD thing!"

"But if what if we screw again? Don't you think the locals would kick our asses?"

Haruhi, as usual, brushed him off. "They should be glad we came out to help their ungrateful asses, anyway!" She scoffed. "If they don't like our conclusions, they can go find someone else to solve their little problem!"

"You're looking at it the wrong way..." Kyon tried to explain, "This is their town and seriously, we almost cross some lines back there. Who knows, if the perps of the crime won't kill us, they will."

"Now what could possibly make you think that?"

"Hey, guys." Rena greeted. "How's your... investigation, thing, coming along?"

Kyon nonchalntly turned to her, "Well, we may be back to square- Oh good god look at that knife it's huge!" The cynic gulped. Rena, upon taking notice of this, hid the three-foot-long, hooked meat-cleaver-type knife behind her back, a futile effort of concealment.

"Oh, you mean this ol' thing. Don't worry about it."

Haruhi, seizing a chance for payback, snapped, "Hey, ginger girl! Give me back Mikuru-!" But Rena instantly flashed her meat cleaver.

"If you lay even a finger on Mikuru's hair, I'll... play with you." Haruhi shuddered at seeing the knife.

"You know what, Kyon," she murmured, "I think these people might be willing to kill us."

Kyon groaned. "Welcome to reality. Or as I would like to call it, welcome to the 'Nam."

Rena went back to herself and cheerily chuckled, "Come again tomorrow." And she left happily.

Seeing her go, Haruhi turned to her slave boy, "Kyon, you and Taniguchi are up tonight. You two ladies are drawing murder watch tonight."

"What!" Kyon almost choked, "you mean you want us to stay at the outpost tonight?"

"Yup, any problems?" She crossed her arms.

"Yeah, I thought it was gonna be Itsuki's and Kunikida's turn tonight. Or better yet, let the chibis man the post, we can contact them on our cells."

"You're such a pussy, Kyon. Running away from your duty imposed by your Brigade chief?"

He replied, "This is bad, Haruhi. I've got bad vibes here."

She shouted, "We don't know shit, Kyon, and chances are we're gonna run into something. Think about it."

He bitched, "That's just great, Whadd'ya want me to do? Send my ass out to get zapped so Itsuki Koizumi just in from the world can get his beauty sleep? Nah!"

She replied, "Hey, take a break! You don't have to be a biatch every day of your life, you know."

"Screw you, Haruhi."

"Why don't you get your ass ready, Kyon," she ordered. "Besides, you were the one who kicked his ass off the cliff." He could only grunt grudgingly in agreement. Everyone got ready: Kyon and Taniguchi for their night in the post and and rest of the Brigade sans Itsuki and Mikuru are going back to the hotel(Itsuki's in the hotel already).

Kunikida watched as they left Kyon and Taniguchi in the camp, "I'm glad I ain't going with them. Somewhere out there is the beast and he's hungry tonight."

Yuki added, "They're gonna get raped anyway." They passed by the crowd of tourist going back to their hotels and lodgings. But before they did, the two stayed behind to see Rena walking to where God-knows-what. They saw her trip.

"Ugh," she whelped as she fell down on the road, the wind whipping up her skirt, revealing the white panties she's wearing underneath. Quickly, she stood up blushing and looked around. She sighed in relief when she nobody, not even tourist, had witnessed it. But she was wrong. Behind the bushes, Yuki clearly enjoyed it.

"That was a nice pantyshot," the lavender-headed H-game-playing alien interface with a gleeful smile.

Kunikida crossed his arms. "Nah," he said in dispute, "that's no real pantyshot, that's her accidentally revealing her undies."

"Then what is a real pantyshot?" Yuki asked.

With a wide grin, he replied, "When a Saigon hooker flashes her pretty black panties at you and says she'll give you everyt'ing, now that's what a real pantyshot!"

"Oh," Yuki quietly replied. Then they left, catching up with Haruhi, Taniguchi and Tsuruya.

Meanwhile, Butters and Satoko where having a swell time exploring the village and the nearby woods. It was the most joyful thing to happen in their lives. Already they reached the finale of their own tour, the Overlook.

"Isn't it beautiful, Butters?" she asked as they gazed at the village. "I hope you could live here with me and my friends."

"Gee, I sure hope so," Butters mumbled. Sad, he turned to her, "But I can't..." Satoko was about to ask why but she realized it quickly.

"Oh, I see," she moaned, "it's about your parents."

"Yeah.." he moaned. "If only I could be with you."

"Me too," she sadly noted , looking down at the ground.

"If only we could..." Butters sighed. He could not help but be sad. And then it became clear to him. He knew it's his one and only chance to express his feelings. "You're my little flower, Satoko," Butters proclaimed to Satoko at the overlook of the village as the sun dropped, "From this day forward my love for you shall be always be eternal." It was a moment that was pure and timeless. Almost felt like they're standing at the end of the world.

"Really?" She couldn't believe her ears. She then shouted, "That's sweet, Butters! I love you!" Then they embraced each other so tightly. And he felt a tightness in his pants

"Okay, let's do a pinky swear," Satoko exclaimed.

"What's a pink swear?" Butters asked. She then told him what it's and they do it.

"_Fire, Water, Earth, Air! I declare a pinky-swear!_" They chanted together. Only is it could last forever.

Then someone called him. "Butters," his dad called, "Get your ass over here." The gentle boy went to his dad. He continued, "Son, we're here on a trip sponsored by the state of Colorado, not on a sex tour for underaged Asian whores."

"Yes, dad," Butters forlornly agreed. She turned to her, "I'm sorry... Satoko. My parents... are calling me." He then stepped down from the Overlook to join his parents.

"You were a bad boy, Butters," his mom sternly scolded him. "Going out with loose women of nine years of age. You oughta be ashamed of yourself."

"I'm a very bad boy," he repeated it to himself. He and his parents joined with the other South Parkers on their trip back to their hotel rooms and lodgings. As for Satoko, she's not only sad about Butters leaving the village but pissed on the comments by his parents about her. Pissed,she asked herself in her mind, _What did they just called me?_

**Jealousy...**

Shion returned to her apartment at Okonomiya. She was still stunned by the events that transpired during that noon. She couldn't quite believe it. That ginger buxom slut landed in Satoshi's arms. She hoped it was just a trick of the noon daylight. But alas! Her eyes could not deceive her. She felt weakened, unwanted and betrayed. She went to the fridge to get a bottle of schnapps. Although it's not advisable to drink alcohol when you're depressed and prone to fits of pyschosis, she still popped it and drank anyway.

How she got them despite the fact that she's a fucking nutcase? She doesn't want to pay for her booze for sure. She did got them for free from the Liquor & Lolicon Foundation by subscribing to their magazine, where she receives free alcohol for every issue. She's just in it for the booze and she would give the porn magazines to Keiichi, who enjoys fapping to them. She looked at the table and noticed one of the mags on the table, this week's issue which features a provocatively-dressed trio on the cover together: Rika on the center with Yutaka Kobayakawa and Imouto by either side, doing a sexy pose. She's gonna give it to Keiichi but after she gets drunk.

"It's not true Satoshi," she said to no one in her drunken, "that you like Mikuru, right?" Nothing answered her. She chugged another glass when she replayed the events of the day. She then remembered about how Haruhi called the ginger her moe and mascot. And how Satoshi defended her from Haruhi. And that she has a blog... A blog? She turned on the computer and searched for Mikuru's blog and read her sorry tale of abuse from Haruhi Suzumiya.

It was crystal clear to her now! _That redheaded slut was flirting with Satoshi all along!_ Her mind screamed, _acting all cute and helpless but not anymore! _She pounded the table brutally and swept all the bottles and glasses off the table.

Shion shouted, "She's taking my Satoshi! I'll kill her!" She looked down at the floor and screamed, "I HATE FLOORS!" She began pounding the floor with the table like crazy until she stopped. Then she smiled happily and gave out demonic giggles. A plan is taking place in her head and she stalked off to the fridge for more booze.

**Pinhead's pissed...**

Pinhead just came backstage after showcasing a wonderfully sadistic show of torture and S&M to the paying audience. He was coming with a few surprises for Frank, who was still supposedly held in the rack.

"Oh Frank~," He called out sweetly, "if you're a little more obedient, I have a little surprise for you." He was gonna give him the best buttsecks there is. As he went inside to check on him, it was dark. From the lights of the hallway, he inspected the room. "Frank, where are you, deary? I have something for you..." He noticed the empty rack with its turned bindings. His rage went up the roof, his face became a thousand shades of red and his temperature went to through the universe. He though, _Frank escaped!_

"FRANK!" He bellowed in rage, which echoed throughout the bowls of hell itself. In it, a former dictator from the Middle East was slowly awake. And curious.

* * *

**Oh my God, South Park's in town, Butters and Satoko are having a romance, Shion's going crazy once again, Rika discovers a demonic artifact and Julia Cotton is shacking up at Bates'? This place is even more screwed than Silent Hill. Read and review or I'll send your asses to Kyon and Rena!**

**Oh, the mention of Aspen in this chapter is a reference to Asspen.  
**


	9. Deep in the Night

**Deep in the Night**

Featuring here are characters from Hellraiser, more Southpark and PTSD. And frankly, no one searches the Internet for old movies the way I do. Plus some It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Special thanks to Elred Bluegreen for helping me with Kyon Rambo. See more new plot twists and plot straights.

**Curious things at the dump...**

The sun was still on the horizon as Rena, Arakawa and Mikuru traveled to a place Rena said was special. She said to the moe, "Mikuru-chan. We never really got to show you around. I at least owe it to you to show one place you can get away with murder."

"That's right Mikuru," Arakawa added, prancing like Tinkerbell on acid, "Miss Rena wants to show you something."

"Really? What is it?" the moe asked. _Where are they taking me?_

"Come on, this way," Rena urged. They all followed her into a massive pile of junk. "Here we are."

Mikuru's eyes popped open and shouted, "You call a trash dump a tour location?"

"Hey, it's not a trash dump," Rena replied with puppy dog eyes, "It's a mountain of treasures~." Then she said ominously, "You can kill someone here and nobody would know."

"What did you just say?" Mikuru replied, a bit uneased.

"How dare you call this fine place a dump, Miss Mikuru," Arakawa scolded her like he was tutoring her in fine manners, "You should never judge anything by appearances alone."

Rena just giggled cheeringly and skipped off. Arakawa caught up with here, "Right behind you, Miss Rena." She tried to go with them but she couldn't catch up due to the steep hills of junk everywhere and all the icky-sticky stuff that might be caught by her lolita dress. She decided to sit down on a dry piece of roofing material. As she sat down, a click startled her.

"Huh," she gasped. She turned around and saw that it was the bird pornographer.

"Oh you surprise me there," Jirou said, "We meet again, Mademoiselle Asahina. I thought you were a bird, not someone I was supposed to stalk for surveillance."

"Were taking pictures of my boobs?" She squealed in fright, putting down her skirt in fear that he might be looking for more to shoot at.

"Um... no," he replied. Then he asked, "What are you doing here? I thought you are supposed to be with your friends."

"Well...," she moaned, "it's a little complicated."

"Why is that?"

"Because you see...," she won't on to tell him about how it started during their lunch and ends with her being wagered in a water gun fight where the local kids ultimately won.

"I apologize for your predicament, Miss Asahina but as they, it sucks to be you."

Mikuru moaned sadly, "That's not nice, Mr. French Secret Agent." There was some silence except for those damn cicadas.

"Woot?" He hastily explained, "I'm not secret agent or French or anything."

"But you sound French, or whatever part of Europe did you come from." She noted.

"I do not know," he replied, "it's pretty vague." He then noticed Mikuru looking at him in a way that says she's not convinced. He said, "Are you coming on to me?"

Rena popped out from the mounds of trash and said sweetly to Mikuru, "Mikuru-chan, tell that guy if he tries to take you away from, I'll kill him." She then went back to sorting through mounds of trash for cute things.

"So...," Jioru noted, "you're a lesbian? You do sure send a lot of mixed signals. Well, it was nice talking to you, Miss Asahina, MURDERMURDERMURDER. Don't go looking around in the trash for articles about MURDER MURDER MURDER."

Those words left Mikuru stunned. She suddenly remembered the reason why Haruhi deployed the SOS Brigade here in the first place. _Did you say 'murder'? Is about the lost tourist?_ She heard the crumpling of a metal roof and spun around. She saw Rena appearing menacingly with a giant hatchet the Psycho bathroom theme. "EEEEP~!" She cried and landed her cute butt on the ground.

"Ah," Rena gasped cutely, "Mikuru-chan, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she chirped as she stood back up and swept her dress of dirt, "You came out of nowhere and almost scared my panties off, but I'm fine. And OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HATCHET?"

"Oh this?" She replied plainly, holding up the blade, "this is just my special hatchet that I keep in a disclosed location in this junkyard, just in case someone gets between and Mikuru-chan."

"You don't mean it, right?" She chirped again.

"No... Not yet, that is." She smiled with cat-like eyes.

Mikuru said to her, "Oh, I apologize for thinking that you kill people for fun. Hey, let's search for cute things."

Rena cheered, "Really? You will? You will?"

"Yeah sure. It's the least I could do for saving me from that tsundere bitch Haruhi."

"Yay, would you like to spend a night on my house too?"

"Yes, I will," Mikuru cheered.

"Oh splendid, Mikuru," Arakawa danced again, "we will have much fun together. It will be smashing." They began searching cute things all around the dump. As they mulled over the waste in search of those fluffy stuff thrown away by their cold heartless owners, Mikuru found some newspapers that came from a dead newsboy still attached to his bicycle. She pulled them out of the skeleton's hand. She began reading them and was shocked.

"Oh my God," she gasped as she read the headlines, "Everything I read about this place is more or less real! If this is true, that means-"

"Mikuru, what are you reading?" Rena popped out from behind her.

Mikuru spun around and squeaked cutely in fright, throwing the newspapers into the air. She then said, "I wasn't reading anything!"

Unfortunately, the newspapers ended up in Rena's hands. Rena looked at it and said, "Mikuru-chan, are you reading this?"

"Um yes," she replied quietly.

"You know what-" But before Rena said anything else, Mikuru dove to the ground and pleaded for mercy.

"Please don't kill me! Please don't~," she begged, not wanting to end up disembered in a black trashbag.

Rena knelt down and hugged Mikuru tightly. "Don't cry Mikuru. I'll never do that to you. You're my friend now. I'll protect you no matter what these lies say." The moe was touched by Rena's compassion and genuine friendship.

Mikuru sobbed, "Thank you, Miss Rena." They hugged tighter.

"That's alright, I love you Mikuru," she said beautifully.

"What?" Mikuru was taken aback.

"Don't speak. Let us rub our soft supple breast together." They did and it was good!

"Lesbian Fantasy Time!" Mikuru cried. Then everything became sparkly and flashed into a fantasy dreamland. "Let's go to an all-girls school, I'll wear pigtails and I'll call you onee-sama-"

_FLASH!_

A spark of light knocked away their precious moment together. They turned their heads and found the source of the offending flash.

"I am to be taking pictures of children for kiddy porn, I mean memorabilia," Jirou said as he tried to crouch his way out of the dump.

Rena doesn't take it too kindly. Mikuru was crying again. She said, "No one makes Mikuru cry and gets away with it!" As Jirou tried to crawl through the s!#, Rena stood in front of him.

"You're not going anywhere, bird pornographer," Rena snapped at him. Jirou looked up from her feet up to her face. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see her underwear.

"Would you like to see my tripod?" He chuckled helplessly.

He got his answer: lesbian yandere Rena's one thousand dragons fist of fury! He got an upper cut and was shot out of the dump. He crashed into the Overlook and squirmed.

"I think I broke my French breadstick..." He moaned.

LESBIOWNED!

Rena and a happy Arakawa picked up a crying Mikuru and comforted Mikuru, "Let us go home, Mikuru. No one would bother us again."

Arakawa chimed in, "Oh yes, Miss Mikuru. We will be friends together forever." They skipped happily into the setting sun, oblivious to guys in gray jumpsuits watching them suspiciously.

**Unholy Alliance...**

At the hotel, the remaining members of the SOS Brigade were lounging around at the hotel dining hall, already crowded with tourists and especially the South Park townspeople, while Culture Club's_ Do You Really Want to Hurt Me_ conspicuously played in the background. Haruhi was drinking her heart out from losing Mikuru to Rena at the nearby bar. It was the worst day in her life. She couldn't fucking believe it. She turned to the bartender on station, Philadelphia native Dennis Reynolds.

"Pour another one, Jack," she moaned sadly, extending her beer stein.

"Here you go," he replied, pouring more beer, "and my name's not Jack."

"Whatever, you manwhore," she slurred and sipped her beer. Beside her are Yuki, Tsuruya, and Kunikida, watching a football game. He's upstairs in his room nursing his injuries. Yuki was enjoying the soccer game on TV, Tsuruya was eating and burping cheese cocktails; trying to get rid of the taste and memory of those terrible Limburger cheese cubes, and Kunikida was playing Tetris.

"Go Beckham," Yuki said without emotion as her favorite soccer player played furiously across the field.

Haruhi chugged her beer down. She noticed that Itsuki's not with them. She turned to Yuki, "Where's Itsuki?"

"He's upstairs in bed, remember," the alien replied.

"Oh yeah," she said dumbfounded. She then asked another question, "Okay, you notice anything wrong with Kyon?"

"No," she deadpanned.

Haruhi asked this question, "Yuki, back there in the village, why did you tell them about what I do to Mikuru?"

"'Cause they asked for it," she replied plainly. "Was I suppose to answer 'chicken waffles?"

The goddess slumped her head on the counter, realizing plainly that Yuki's right. She will tell them the truth regardless whether she's told to lie or not. Then her phone beeped. "Hello?" Haruhi groaned on her cellphone.

"Hi, Haruhi," the caller replied, "This is Sasaki." That caught Haruhi by surprise. Why would her rival for world domination call her at this time? Is she admitting defeat? She smiled evilly.

"Hi, Sasaki," she answered cheerily, "wanna chitchat?" She could see it now! Sasaki and her minions bowing before her, the Genkiness that is Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Yeah, sort of," she moaned, "I just wanna say that we're sorry that we're such jerks this afternoon."

Haruhi suppressed a squeal of delight. She knew that she's admitting defeat! "I accept you apology!" She shouted gleefully. "But I will accept it if only if you will..."

"I get it already anyway," Sasaki slurred on the phone, "since we don't have anything good to do this summer so would you let us join you whatever it is you're doing?"

Those words stunned the goddess. The Anti-SOS Brigade helping her? It was too good to be true. Yet, she's still suspicious. She said, "Really? How do I know you won't pull any tricks?"

"I told, we don't have anything better to do this summer," she replied glumly, "it's boring enough at home anyway."

"Okaaay~," Haruhi replied, "I want you to submit to my will, my authority-"

"We know that already," she replied again, "we'll do anything, just please count us in."

Haruhi mulled over about her proposal. Sure, she hates them but adding more people into the charade would increase their chances of finding this Frank Cotton guy. "Okay, you're in. Meet us at the Angel Mort tomorrow."

"Alright, Haruhi," Sasaki slowly replied. Haruhi hung up and jumped with joy. Yes! It was too good to be true. The Anti-SOS Brigade dancing to her tune, willingly submitting to her will. At the hospital, the Anti-SOS Brigade where in a room with four beds, lying side by side. They were all covered in bandages.

"Sasaki," Kyoko moaned, "you think it's a good idea to ally with Haruhi?"

"Got any better ideas to go during summer?" She asked.

"No..." It was silent again. Then Fujiwara spoke.

"Hey, Sasaki," he slurred, "can I molest Mikuru?"

"Do what you want." The second goddess replied.

"Hooray-!" He cheered, then a snapping sound was made. He slumped back to his bed in pain. " Nurse...," he moaned, "I think I broke my arms again..."

**Village sneaking...**

The boys from South Park were tiptoeing out of their rooms when they saw Butters coming up the stairs. They nearly gasped in fright.

"Jesus, Butters!" Stan said apprehensively, "you nearly gave us a heart attack."

"Sorry, guys," Butters moaned, "I'm just going back to my room."

"Gee, what's wrong, Butters?" Kyle asked sympathetically.

"I'm grounded," he said sadly, "I can't go anywhere without my parents."

"Oh," Cartman said plainly. "Good luck with with that." He turned to the rest of the guys. "Hey guys, let's ditch this turd."

"D-don't y-y-you think we should bring Butters along?" Tweak asked, shaking from his caffeine hangover.

"Hell no, Tweak," the fat boy blurted, "we're going to that gook village and I'm not letting a pussy like him on."

"O-okay," he replied.

"Let's go, guys." The boys went on. They were all excited about sneaking into the village learn all those secret stuff. They all passed by poor little Butters, who couldn't play with them.

"Timmeh, Timmeh," Timmy muttered by as he rolled past him.

He went into his room. It was empty. He went to the balcony and looked out to the moonlit night. He sighed with a broken heart, "Satoko," he moaned with his head hung low, "I hope I can see you again."

At the room next to him, a Spandex-wearing professional rapist ziplined into the window and boned Cartman's mom.

**Crouching panda, girly playboy...**

Meanwhile, the two boys were enjoying their first night at the village: at the SOS Brigade's observation post. Taniguchi was talking to Kyon about his fantasies with Maria Ozawa. Kyon thought, _Our first night on the village. We drew murder watch_.

"I'm not here." Taniguchi began, "I'm walking through the jungle gathering mangoes. And I meet Maria Ozawa. I make a nice mango cream pudding. Then kinda spread it around us." Kyon didn't reply. He just ate fruitcake from a can. Unfazed, he went on, "...See, she's into mangoes, too. She's like one limb above me. We're both in the jungle here, nude."

Some activity was taking place behind them. Kyon turned back with his infrared binoculars. From there, he looked at some of the village people doing what they do at night time. Someone was taking out the trash. A couple was having sex in the grass and a guy is bringing flowers to some other place. Kyon went back to eating fruitcake.

Taniguchi asked him, "Do you like Maria Ozawa, Kyon?"

"Yeah," he stopped eating the cake, "she's a real hottie."

"Yeah, I wish I was with her," Taniguchi said sadly.

"That's sweet, Taniguchi," He assured him.

"No, Kyon. I really want to be with her badly."

"Why?"

"'Cause I have collected every one of her movies," he announced, "I was her biggest fan. I liked the way she moves. Look at her beautiful jugs, man."

"Why don't you get yourself a real girl, Tani," the cynic suggested, "Don't live your fantasies with porn models."

"That's easy for you to say," Taniguchi scowled, "you got Haruhi and Mikuru."

"She's a superbitch," Kyon replied, "and remember she'll kill you if you touched Mikuru?" The playboy nodded reluctantly. Kyon then said, "I thought so." He finished his fruitcake. There was some silence before he spoke again.

"Hey Taniguchi," he asked.

"Yeah-?"

"You got a girlfriend from that Kouyouen School. You know the girls' school for the reach famous? How'd you do that? Is that 'cause you like mangoes an' stuff?"

"Well, no," He replied, "me and her meet on Twitter. We chatted all night. We were actually friends for a while back in middle school."

"Lucky you," Kyon chuckled.

"See, I was supposed to go to Tokyo," he continued, "but I my mom's got a promotion so I stayed right here. Hell, I signed up for North High. They said I can look at the girls' school nearby from the roof. Okabe- that did it."

"Oh yeah, how?"

"One time, I saw him walk into an alley and you know what I saw?" He asked Kyon. The cynic shook his head. He said, "I saw that guy go into a gay bathhouse behind the school. I couldn't fucking believe that one!" It turned out his girlfriend was actually a transvestite. Kyon noticed something at the village, "I was suppose to tell the principal about that but they gave a huge bribe-" Kyon raised his fist military style, signaling the playboy to be silent. "Kyon," he whispered, "what's wrong?"

Kyon took the binoculars and whispered, "We got beaucoup movement." He looked through and saw Keiichi and Mion. He immediately turned to Taniguchi. "Quick, the laser mike." The playboy immediately set the tripod and focused it on the the two.

"Phew~," Keiichi said, "that was some hard tour guiding we did today."

"Yeah, it breaks the back too," Mion said.

"At least, for this year, nothing bad's gonna happen today," Keiichi added.

"Except for that guy who tried to grope my boobs," Mion said distastefully.

"Yeah," Keiichi chuckled, "I like it when you fried him on the groin with your stun gun."

"That serves him right if he thinks that I'm a hooker," she grunted with distaste.

"That wasn't the worst thing in the tour, Mion. How about Father Maxi?"

"You mean that priest?" Mion felt irritated, "I hated it how told us that we're going to hell for honoring Oyashiro."

"Well, what do you expect of Catholic priests? They always say that someone's going to hell. Their favorites for condemnation are Buddhist, Jews, liberals, and Nancy Pelosi."

"And you're lucky you aren't with them 'cause I know what they do to teenage boys like you," Mion snickered.

"Very funny, Mion," he said sourly, "just like what Dr. Irie almost did to me last year."

"You mean almost 'did' you," she happily supplied, chuckling.

"Fine, fine, fine. Let's just go home already."

"Well anyway," Mion took out a manila envelope. "Here's something Shion asked me to bring you with."

Keiichi jumped in down in excitement, "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" The two boys at the hidden outpost were like, _what the hell?_

Keiichi ripped open the envelope like a candy-crazed kid. It was thick and glossy. "Oh boy Mion!" He jumped up in join, "This is the bomb! Thanks Mion!"

"Don't thank me, Keiichi," she said with satisfaction, "just fap yourself off."

But before he would leave, he asked Mion again, "Mion, considering all the stuff with the SOS Brigade today, what are you gonna do with them?"

"Don't worry, my perverted friend. We'll take _care_ of them." That didn't sound good for Kyon and Taniguchi.

"Yeah, and I wish Oyashiro was real so he can smite all these snoopy outsiders," Keiichi said.

"Better hope he doesn't smite or molest you in your sleep," Mion replied, "Let's call it a night."

"I agree," he replied, "Time for me to eat some mustard." They both left. The two boys went back to the bunker. Taniguchi went to Kyon.

"This was a big mistake, Kyon. We shouldn't taken this lead in the first place."

"Wanna go AWOL and piss Haruhi off? Be my guest." Kyon deadpanned. That wasn't very encouraging to the playboy, who wanted his weenie intact so can reproduce. They didn't spoke for most of the time. Later, it was nine o'clock. They didn't talk for a while. Kyon put on the blankets and got ready for bed.

"Kyon?" Taniguchi asked, "What are sleeping for? We're supposed to keep watch."

"You keep watch." He replied, "I'll go to bed."

"But Kyon..."

"Hell no, I've kept my breaking my ass from doing Haruhi's dirty work so I deserve some well-earned R&R." He said firmly. Seeing that he could not reason with him anymore, Taniguchi glumly drew murder watch.

-The Lion Sleeps Tonight plays-

Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours and the night never ends. The bats screeched, the moon was full, the owls hooted, frogs croaked, night birds tweet, Kyon snored, and the cicadas and crickets chirped. Taniguchi was trying to get his head in the game with his DS. He was winning a fight with Dedede and he doesn't want to stop now.

"Oh yeah, bitch!" He cheered as he gave a sucker punch to Dedede. Then he heard a rustling in the bushes. His DS went down.

"EMP! Electronics are down!" He cursed as it crackled and smoked. He was pissed when he heard a slight growl that made him jumpy. The rustling became louder and he almost screamed.

-LSTT stops-

He raised his head a bit and looked around for the source the noise. He gripped a spade and stalked out of the bunker. He found the source of the noise: a bush named George. He slowly crept to it, shovel in hand and struggling to control his bladder. He almost stepped on a pile of... Nevermind. Let's get on. He slowly got to the shrub and went around it. Then he jumped in! There was nothing behind it. Breathing a sigh of relief, he was about to get back when he heard more rustling. He turned to another shrub from behind him.

Something popped out!

The playboy was thrown to the ground when he got bitchslapped by a large paw and let out high-pitched squeals when faced he sharp set of teeth. The growling creature stomped him on the crotch, causing him to groan in pain. Then he was lifted up in the air and thrown against a tree. That caused him to see double before the animal picked him up again by the collar and slapped him some more. As he did, he slowly stretched his arm for the spade, grabbed it and quickly swung it at the creature frantically, screaming like a little girl as he did until he got the upper hand. As it slumped into the ground, his voice turned to manly grunts of effort as he wildly beat the creature until the final blow with his last burst of energy. He breathed deeply and looked down to see what he fought with.

His eyes widened into dinnerplates when he saw it was a smiling six-foot tall panda that attacked him. It lay on the ground, K.O. for sure. In its hands are bottles of Stolichnaya vodka and London Gin. It had an alcoholic scent on its fur and an overpowering alcoholic breath from its grinning mouth. He screeched.

The chibis emerged from the hole to see what all the commotion was about and almost jumped to their feet when they heard his high-pitched shrieking.

Kyon roused from his sleep. He turned to the chibis, "Churuya, up front. Get on your pop gun, Achakura!" The chibis quickly responded.

"It's a motherfucking panda! It's a panda, man! A panda!" Taniguchi shrieked as he ran around the camp. "Kyon, you were right. Never get out of the fucking bunker! Never get out of the bunker! I gotta remember! Gotta remember! Never get out of the bunker!"

The cynic said, "What happened, how many are they?"

"A fucking panda!" He replied.

"What?" Kyon asked nonplussed.

"A panda!"

"A panda?"

The playboy ranted on, "I'm done with this goddamn horseshit! You can kiss my ass on the school yard, 'cause I'm fucking bugging out! I don't fucking need it! I didn't get out of goddamn North High for this shit, man! All I wanted to do is fucking do girls! I just wanted to do girls, man!" He laughed crazily, "All right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. Never get out of the bunker. Hi, panda! 'Bye panda-!"

Kyon bitch-slapped him, "Pull your shit together, playboy!" After that, he calmed down. Kyon turned back to the panda, "Is that what attacked you?"

The playboy nodded. The cynic looked furious. "What the hell's the matter with you, Taniguchi? You are one simple son of a bitch! He ain't gonna bite you. That's a good panda; good and dead."

"Yes, Kyon. He's dead," he nodded in agreement. The chibis looked at him, scared. Kyon inspected the corpse.

"You all take a good look at this lump of fluffy crap." He motioned to it, "Remember what it looks like. You fuck up in a firefight... and I goddamn guarantee you a trip out of the bush - in a body bag! Out here, assholes, you keep your shit wired tight at all times!" He glared back at Taniguchi, "And that goes for you, sex-for-brains. You don't sleep on no fuckin' ambush! And the next sum'bitch I catch coppin Z's in the bush, I'm personally gonna take an interest in seein' him suffer. I shit you not."

He turned to the green-haired chibi, "Churuya, tag him and bag him!"

"Maybe we should call Haruhi about this," Ashakura suggested.

"Tell that bitch to get screwed," Kyon bitched and went back to sleep. The chibis sneaked back into the tunnels to dig. Still, this was too much for the playboy. As the chibis disappeared to nowhere, he took out his cell and called her.

Haruhi was enjoying her beauty sleep with a dream involving Kyon and Mikuru when her cellphone rang. She woke up and put her cellphone on talk. "Hello?"

"It's me, Taniguchi," the playboy replied.

"What the hell did you do this time?" Haruhi answered to Taniguchi annoyed over the cell.

"I killed one, Haruhi... the thing I love the most," He whispered to Haruhi.

Haruhi went up straight and got out of bed. Clearly, it sounded like trouble. "What is it?" She asked.

"Well, it tried to give me a right hook...," Taniguchi began but Haruhi didn't hear the rest of it. She was focused on the first part.

"A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!" Haruhi replied, shocked. Then she calmed herself down, "Alright, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here's what you gonna do. Get your hands on to some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide, and a shitload of lime."

"No!" Taniguchi corrected, "A panda."

"You killed Amanda?" She was surprised by that, "Come on, playboy. I bet that's not even her real name."

"No... A panda!"

"A panda?" Haruhi was nonplussed.

"A sweet, cuddly, vicious, six-foot tall panda." He whispered.

"A six-foot tall panda?" Haruhi asked, surprised to know pandas of that size actually exist. She then went on, "Okay, just do what I told you to do and you'll be fine."

"But where can I find lime, hydrogen peroxide, and bleach?"

"You could just get it from a nearby by store," she explained, "in the meantime, hide the body."

Taniguchi nodded vigorously, agreeing with everything she said. As he did, the supposedly dead panda got up and groaned. It limped back into the woods massaging its aching head while Taniguchi listened to Haruhi's instructions. Jubilant, he turned around so he could bury it, only to see the panda gone. He frantically looked around for it. But it was gone. He hastily phoned Haruhi again.

"What?" She asked, pissed.

"It's gone!" He cried worriedly. "The panda's gone!"

"What? It's gone?" She asked.

"It's gone!"

"Oh, good for you," she replied cheeringly, "no worries." She hung up. Taniguchi slowly and uneasily put back the phone. He looked to the place where he was sure that he beat up the panda to death. It right there! The only thing left in its place are the bottles of booze it was carrying. He looked around and felt his skin crawl.

"This place is cursed!" He muttered to himself as crawled into the sleeping bag, eyes scanning for anything unusual in the woods. He then forced his eyes to sleep.

Kyon woke from his slumber and yawned. He stood up and said, "What did I miss?"

**The bizarre head movie of Itsuki Koizumi...**

Meanwhile, in his bed, Itsuki is having the nicest dream ever. He was tossing and turning all around while the head movie played.

He snored loudly until the cheerful chirping of birds heralding the dawn of a new day woke him up with eyes wide open. The alarm clock played a Village People's song. He got rid of the blankets and realized that there's a large bulge in his pants.

"Gyah!" He cried and hastily covered it. He then knew that no one's in the room with him. He said to himself, "Wait. It's just me in here."

"I wouldn't say that, silly buns," a cheery English voice quipped beside. He instantly whipped his head to see who was lying next to him. His eyes popped wide open with shock to realize it was none other than... DR. IRIE! Smoking a cigarette and drsesed in boxer briefs. It was horrible! The doctor who tried to molest him in his clinic was HERE next to him!

"How'd you get here!" The esper demanded.

"Oh," he cheered, "it's easy. I just asked the hotel receptionist at what room you where sleeping and I told him that I was a long-lost friend." The esper glared angrily at the ever-smiling doctor. He was trying to violate him whenever and wherever possible. He then said ,"I have a lollipop for you! ...It's in my-" But he didn't say anymore.

-Last part of Baseball organ theme plays-

There was a loud crashing of glass as the doctor was thrown through the window at high speed. He simply said, "Silly buns." As a thud came from the ground, he calmed himself down. He then looked at the bright sunny morning and realized that there's nothing else to spoil the day. He decided to unwind and take a relaxing stroll to Hinamizawa. He took a bath and looked for a change of clothes. He went to the closet to find clothes. What he found was a little unamusing: the only thing inside is a gakuran, much like the one he wore in that chaotic noon yesterday. It was something of a whammy to him.

"... Okay," he decided, "I'll have to wear it instead." He put it on and went downstairs for breakfast. As he did, he was confronted by a bluenette otaku with an ahoge.

"Aren't you the guy from yesterday?" She inquired.

"Yeah," he replied as he forked some poached salmon.

"Are you cosplaying as Sousuke Sagara?" She asked.

His eyes popped open again. "No, I am not cosplaying as Sousuke Sagara. FYI, this is the only piece of clothing I found in my closet, Miss..."

"Konata Izumi," she said to him.

"Oh," Itsuki was about to eat his toast when he noticed her loli body. "Uh, yeah. Miss Izumi, how old are you?" He asked with a creepy smile.

"I'm fifteen," she replied irritatedly, "just because I'm this short doesn't mean I'm a nine-year old kid."

"What!" He was flabbergasted, "you're fifteen?" Then he quickly relented himself, "Uh, I mean, I didn't know you were fifteen. My mistake." He then though,_ Damn, jailbait is reaching legal age this days._

"Okay," the otaku said, "you're not the kind of guy who does cosplay, huh."

"Definitely no," he said as he finished breakfast.

"Okay, just watch out for the fan girls," she happily warned and walked off.

"What?" Itsuki asked but he got his answer instantly. Behind are a large crowd of girls watching as he ate. Their eyes sparkle and their mouths drool.

"Oh my God!" one of them screamed, "is that Sousuke Sagara?"

"No!" Blurted another, "That's a cosplayer, but a really hot one at that!" They screamed with delight.

Itsuki nearly soiled his pants, _Oh shit! What should I do? _He thought_, Think, think!_ Then an idea light bulbed in his head. He spun around and smiled, "Hey girls! Is that Lelouch Lamperouge I see at the lobby?" When they heard it, they all scream louder than ever and charged into the lobby to meet the sexy nonexistent leader of the Black Knights who stood up to David Cameron, uh I mean, Charles Li Brittania, and forgot all about the esper in the process. But when they did, they were disappointed.

"Huh? Where did he go?" They moaned. As for Itsuki, he was went out the backdoor and was on his way to Hinamizawa.

The esper thought to himself happily, _Serves them right for watching too much Code Gay-ass_.

-The Thieving Magpie plays-

Itsuki skipped happily all around the village, enjoying the sights and sounds.

"Another glorious day at Hinamizawa," he said aloud. "The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming and the sky is bright with the happy sun. As he skipped cheerfully across the fields, he was thinking about what to do. _Hmm,_ he thought, _what should I do? Visit the Furude Shrine? The Onigafuchi Swamp? Watch the village from the Overlook?_ He passed by a bunch of Churuya and Achakura fairies. The Churuya fairies had butterfly wings and antennas while Achakura fairies had bee wings and TV antennas.

"Good morning, crack fairies," He cheerfully greeted.

"Good bloody morning, pretty boy pothead," they replied.

"What are you doing here today?" He asked.

"We're around looking for some flying smoked cheese," The Churuyas replied.

"And what about you, Achakuras?" Itsuki asked.

"Umm...," they replied, "just hanging around with Churuya-san."

"Well that's so sweet because that's pretty all you ever do," Itsuki replied. The Achakura fairies didn't reply. Instead, they flew away. One of them gave him the middle finger.

He didn't mind. He walked on and encountered Mikuru and Rena, skipping happily. They looked great. He went towards them. "Good morning, girls." He greeted.

"Good morning, gay man," Mikuru cheerily replied.

"I'm not gay," Itsuki protested.

"Maybe not," Rena joined in, "but you look like a pedophile."

"I'm not a pedo-?" He replied but relented, "What?"

What's wrong?" Rena taunted, "Can't face the fact you like little girls?"

"That's not true. It's a lie fabricated by somebody who dislikes my bishieness." He retorted. But something was in his mind, _thanks for reminding of that shine maiden and that little fanged blonde girl_.

"Oh, I see," Rena apologized dumbly.

"Well, I'm thinking about paying a visit to your shrine maiden and her friend. Do you know their names?"

"Ah, it's Rika Furude and her friend is Satoki Houjo," she happily said.

"Where do they live?"

Rena told him where.

"Thanks, I'll see you later." He left off to find them. As he did, he noticed a cone straw hat on the ground. He picked up and wear it.

-The Thieving Magpie stops-

"I'll keep this in my head until I find the owner," he said to himself. He walked further and found it strange that he was in a quite woody path, much like the one where Keiichi meets a cleaver-carrying Rena. He looked around. _Nothing wrong here_, he thought and went back to thinking about molesting the two lolis. He blinked his eyes for a moment and he was startled to see Kyon standing in a distance away from him, wearing boots, camo pants, webbing gear, red headband, and ammo belts crisscrossing his chest. He blink again and he saw nothing.

"Huh?" he was disturbed. He then called out, "Kyon... Is that you?" Then he heard a sudden thud and the crunch of leaves and twigs. His back was chilled and he slowly turned around. It _is_ Kyon, with his freaky smile and Rambo get-up.

"Found you, you rotten bastard!" He said menacingly.

Itsuki suddenly wet his pants. he tried to explain, "Hey, Kyon, it's me!"

Raising his .45 pistol named Sally, he cried, " I've been tracking you for days, Charlie! You killed my buddies... RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! It's payback time, motherfucker! WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?"

Itsuki realized Kyon is still crazy from yesterday, "You've gone mad!"

He flashed his teeth, " DON'T FUCK WITH ME! WHERE! ARE! THE! OTHERS?"

"What do you mean!" He protested as he caught a glimpsed of Mion, Keiichi, Satoko and Rika, dressed in black pajamas, cone straw hats and webbing gear, peering through the bushes before they ducked. He realized he was wearing something close to black(navy blue) and wore a cone straw hat. He finally knew why. _Oh shit, he thinks I'm Vietcong_.

"You've got about three-zero seconds to tell me where they're screwing!" The 'shellshocked' cynic warned, "Or I'll rip your balls off!" He quickly shucked out a knife from his belt.

"AHHHH!" The esper screamed and ran for his life. Kyon tried to slash him but missed. He then fired several shots at Itsuki as he fled into the woods.

"DO NOT DESPAIR, CHARLIE! I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN WHEREVER YOU ARE!" Kyon screamed before laughing like Dracula.

Itsuki panted heavily, trying to get as far from Kyon as possible. Needless to say, the cynic was catching up with him, jumping tree to tree like the crazed war veteran he is. Then he found a bunch of guys wearing ugly gray jumpsuits. It was deliverance!

"I'm saved!" He cried jubilantly, "Oh thank God, you here to help me?"

"'Help you? Who said anything about helping you?" One of them said brandishing a bat. The other pulled out a gun.

"Oh shit," he muttered. He just got out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Kyon, pissed that someone's trying to steal his kill, jumped in the middle, "No one's killing Charlie but me!"

"Oh yeah?" Said the baseball wielder, "you and one army!"

"I am one army!" He cried. He tried to swing but Kyon gripped his hand. He winced in pain in his iron-grasped. Itsuki then watched Kyon bash the bat on his own head!

_BRACK!_

It cracked loudly, with the bat broken into two. The goons said in unison, "Oh my God..." Kyon then used epic martial arts moves against them, pawning them in ways that would make Naruto weep in jealousy. He then slammed then hard against the trees.

KYOWNED!

But his victory was short-lived. More goons arrived with weapons trained. Itsuki gasped but Kyon was unperturbed.

"I'll kill you later," he told Itsuki as he kicked-flipped a rifle into his hands, "Enemy mine?" He cheered.

"O...K," he replied hesitantly and reluctantly got the rifle. Then the two faced a large company of graysuits.

"Let battle be joined!" He cried a la Mel Gibson and charged. Then an epic gun fight began. Itsuki just sprayed his bullets like a noob while Kyon was doing epic combos of gunplay and hand-to-hand combat, earning experience points in the process. I'll leave that to your imagination... Let it run wild as much as you want, crazy as you want...

At the aftermath of the battle, the two boys panted. Itsuki was spent. He turnd to Kyon, "Hey Kyon, we beaten them..." He smiled.

"You know what Charlie, I'm still gonna kill you," he quickly and bluntly replied with a shark-toothed grin.

"Oh shit!" He screamed and ran away with a laughing Kyon giving chase. He ran faster than Usain Bolt. He finally reached the Overlook. He looked around and said, "Phew...! I'm safe for sure... He can't find me hear..." But that was wishful thinking.

-Apocalypse Now OST: Ride of The Valkyries plays for a few seconds-

Minutes later, Kyon appeared in a Hind-D gunship, with Rena as his copilot. He cried, "I'LL GET YOUR ASS NOW!"

Itsuki almost had a heart attack, "Where the hell did you GET that!" It seemed his day couldn't get any worst.

"I FUCKING LOVE CRAIGSLIST!" He growled ferally. Then he aimed the Hind's nose gun and said, "Any last words before I screw you?"

"Yeah," Itsuki cried back since the chopper's roaring rotor was too loud. "Why are you trying to kill me?"

"'Cuz I'm so fuckin' good! I done got me 157 dead gooks killed. Plus 50 water buffalo, too! Them's all confirmed!" He replied insanely. "And I hate bishies! Anyone who runs, is a bishie. Anyone who stands still, is a well-disciplined bishie!"

"Any women or children?"

"Sometimes back in 'Nam!"

"How can you shoot women or children?"

"Easy!" He laughed. "Ya just don't lead 'em so much! Ain't war hell?"

"You're absolutely bat-fucked insane, Kyon!" Itsuki yelled back in horror.

"And liking it!" He smiled. "And Rena wants a piece of your nuts too!" The ginger gave Itsuki a friendly hand wave.

Itsuki screamed like a little girl and ran off.

"The Hunt is on!" Kyon shouted jubilantly and turned on the stereo.

-Full Metal Jacket OST: Surfin' Bird plays-

Itsuki screamed as Kyon and Rena piloted the Hind over the village. Any place where Itsuki tried in got blown away by the Hind's nose gun and rockets. He dove into a nearby house. The gunship reduced it to flaming cinders with rockets. Shrieking, he went inside a tool shed... only to be splintered by machine gun fire. It was a comical chase as the Hind danced over the village, raining fire over the helpless esper. Itsuki looked to his right and found a bicycle. He hopped on and cycled away.

"Kyon!" Rena chriped, "that Gachihomo is getting away!"

"But not for long!" He replied cheerily. As soon as he flew the lumbering gunship into position, he noticed a few limping gray jumpsuit-wearing fellows piling into a white van. He got pissed. "When do you bastards ever give up?" He came in hot and blew them away, sending the flaming white van into air before it crashed and broke into many pieces. Itsuki raced madly into the road, trying to escape the mad cynic. He nearly ran into a massive truck but the cynic blew it to Kingdom Come, how nice of him! He biked so fast that he didn't know that he arrived at the Irie Clinic. He raced for a hiding place and unknowingly hid in the ladies' comfort room. He breathed heavily, praying that Kyon won't find him... Someone else did though.

Takano Miyo came out of the stall and felt her body turned white when she found Itsuki. She shrieked in French, "Sortez ici, vous corrompez(Get out of here, you pervert)!" She kicked Itsuki's ass out of the room.

Itsuki gasped. "Oh no... I just barged in on a major antagonist!" He lamented, "What horrors may ensue from..."

"YOU'VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!" A mysterious voice warned.

"Oh crap." But it wasn't the time paradox the colonel had warned. It was Doctor Irie, who was smiling happily, humming Village People.

"Oh my God," he jumped up and down, "you're here. Wanna go have a milkshake?"

"AHHHHHH~!", he shrieked back, "Hell no, Rear-Admiral 'Tightass' Lower-Back, Head of the Ass Pirate Fleet, whose flagship is the Cucumber-class submarine, HMS Sodomy!"

"Please settle down, my handsome patient," the doctor said batting his eyes prettily, "I only want to be your friend~."

Itsuki screamed his head off but it was instantly muffled by intense rocket and machine gun fire which reduced the building into a smoking pile of ruins. The Hind's rotor wash cleared most of the smoke away. The chopper, with its menacing shark-faced paint job, hovered like a demon. Irie screamed like a little girl and ran off.

-Surfin' Bird stops-

"Sorry, Charlie," the cynic shouted, "I shit on the Geneva Convention!" He laughed demonically as he brought the chopper to bear on the esper but something happened. In a blinding flash of light, Itsuki appeared in his battle armor, Armored Servile Sucker- Slave System AKA ASS Slave, which resembled a humvee-sized Camel Cricket.

"I'm not running away from you this time, Kyon!" The esper valiantly announced. "With my ASS Slave, you will not find me an easy-" But he froze as the Hind underwent a very epic transformation, which later towered over the helpless esper like a bug. It turned into Metal Gear REX, one hundred times the original size!

"Time to go Second Raid on your ass, Charlie!" Kyon screeched happily as he lifted REX's foot. Itsuki's hair went white and he screamed some more, turning around to run away but the foot instantly pancaked him like a cockroach. After some scrunching, it lifted its foot and scraped the wreckage against the ruins.

Satisfied he had settled his scores with the commie, he smiled at Rena, "Wohoo! Now that he's dead, let's go for some poontang!"

"I agree, Kyon!" She smiled back. Then they walked off into the setting sun.

"GYYYAGGGHH!" Itsuki woke up from such an acid trip. He darted his eyes all around the room, looking for anything wrong. Nothing wrong. He was about to go to sleep when he heard...

... Passionate lovemaking. Alarmed, he got out of bed and took Dokuro-chan's Excalibolg and sneaked into the hallway all the way into a another room. The closer he got, the louder he heard the giggling. He stealthily rolled to the ajar door and saw Kyon and Rena making hot passionate love. He watched for several seconds cause it's better than porn. When it passed, he tiptoed his way into the room and raised Excalibolg...

PLAY BALL!  
He began thrashing his bat against the sleeping couple wildly, wanting them to be absolutely dead before they kill him!

KILLING SPREE!  
He screamed loudly, wishing them to be dead.

DOUBLE KILL!  
More of Itsuki killing them. He then enhanced his rage into demonic levels through button-bashing.

OOOH, DEMON SUMMON!  
He beat so hard until he was pulled back to the floor and someone stomped his face. He groaned awake and saw the rape faces of Kyon and Rena, who were dressed in Calvin Kleins and white bra-and-panties respectively.

"WHAT HELL! How are you still alive?" He shrieked, quaking in fear at the freaky couple.

"Oh Itsuki, you're so easy~," Kyon replied, "we just recorded a tape of us making love. Then we played it for your convenience." Rena turned off the tape recorder in the nightstand.

"But, but, but," Itsuki stuttered like broken record. "H-how-"

"We put some blow-up dolls on the bed while we make hot love in the next room." Rena replied. True enough, she lifted the sheets and revealed some badly mangled blow-up dolls of the two, not to mention some (live)characters from Yugi-Oh, Yu Yu Hakusho, and Bleach.

"Well, Itsuki," Kyon cheered, "how about some fun time."

"What do you mean?" Itsuki asked rapidly.

Kyon brandished Excalibolg, "Bend over, bishie."

Itsuki's eyes popped the eyes of saucepans, "Hell no!" He squealed back in fear.

"Let's do this the hard way then," he turned to Rena, "Rena, make him comf'torble."

Rena punched Itsuki's nuts and he knelt down in pain, groaning. She then undid his pants and boxers. She held the esper in place. "Remember, this was all just a bad dream, pretty boy." Kyon said to him before he shoved the spiked club into his...

"ARRRRGGGHH!" Itsuki jumped out of bed with his high-pitched screaming and ran around like a headless chicken before crashing through the window. He hit the ground with a hard thud. "Ow, my balls!"

**The Cheesy Job...**

They only had a few meters of soil to dig away when one of the hamsters, Dexter, brought out some bad news. He said to Churuya, "Stop digging, stop digging!"

Churuya ordered everyone, "Everybody, stop digging!" The hamsters stopped and Churuya turned to Dexter, "Yeah, what is it?"

"It seems that we have ran into a bit of a problem," the nerdy hamster explained, producing a laptop, "the Kimiyoshi house has a wide basement hidden below that's made of steel-reinforced concrete with high-tech containment measures meant to preserve the smoked cheese in prime condition."

"We know that already," she replied with some annoyance, hands on her hips, "what's your point?"

"We almost stumbled into its security system," he replied. He turned the laptop for everyone to see the schematics of the house and the surrounding area. Some of the things highlighted in red are parts of the security system. "It includes surveillance cameras, motion sensors on the ground, sentry guns from MW2, and seismic sensors."

"So what?" She's not convinced.

"The seismic sensors can detect underground deviation. This Kimiyoshi guy knows how to protect his investments." He explained.

"Churuya," Achakura cautioned, "call it off. Let's do this at some other time."

"No!" The green-haired chibi firmly snapped, "I'm not gonna run away just cause some old man who hates to go to a nursing home and installs a security system to protect what is rightfully mine."

"But the smoke cheese isn't yours in the first place. We're coming to steal it, remember?" The bluenette chibi reminded.

"That's why I say it's rightfully mine!" Churuya turned to Dexter, "Dex! Can you hack in?"

"Quite certain, Miss Churuya," he said in a cheery British accent, "It's incredibly simple." He type in the laptop furiously until he reached the Admin login. It demanded a password.

"Oh no, we need a password," Achakura said worriedly.

"No worries, dear," Dexter replied, "because the password is PASSWORD." Sure enough, he type in PASSWORD and he got in. "Let's dance," he muttered evilly as he installed Microsoft Windows 95 into the security system. They succeeded when the laptop flashed, SYSTEM SCREWED.

"Perfect!" the Tsuruya clone drawled. "Proceed digging." The hamsters started tunneling again until they hit a concrete wall. The hamsters, after digging almost nonstop, were shocked to see it. They dropped like flies, panting heavily.

"They're bustin' asses like a muthafucka down there." Boss said pitifully. "There's still a hole to be made through the titanium inner wall."

"They ain't gonna do that is they're laying around like coochless muthafuckas," Churuya muttered, pissed

"This is F.U.B.A.R.," Boss replied, "I say we juice 'em, what do you think?"

"Juice 'em." She approved.

Boss pressed a trigger that blew a C4 charge in the wall, blowing a bag-ass hole through it.

_BOOM!_

It also blew the hamsters near it back to their direction, piling up everyone. Everyone coughed and Boss emerged with some satisfaction, "Big ass titties!"

The chibis and the hamsters walked into the hole and lo and behold! They found what Churuya had planned all her life: the smoked cheese! Kept in high tech safes with transparent walls made of the strongest materials available.

-When Johnny Comes Marching Home(Die Hard w/ A Vengeance) plays-

The party cheered like drunken sports fans at a soccer game. They began cracking the safes, taking in equipment from acetylene torches, power drills, and stethoscopes to C4 and laptops. Just they thought nothing could go wrong, something else stirred above them.

The village headman, Old Man Kimiyoshi woke up to inspect the racket below in his secret basement. He muttered to himself, "Damn earthquakes and groundwater." He opened the hatch that lead down.

-When Johnny Comes Marching Home stops-

Churuya giggled with triumphant laughter when the hatch above them squeaked open. They all looked up to see who it is. It was Old Man Kimiyoshi.

He was shocked and mad to see these shenanigans happening in his basement. Most of all, threatening his precious horde of smoked cheese.

"Hey you damn varmints!" He barked at them, "Quit smoking my cheese!"

The hamsters instantly panicked like ladies in a cockroach-filled Walmart and ran back to the tunnels faster then an esper.

Churuya challenged him, "Go change your adult diapers, old man!" Kimiyoshi pumped and cocked a shotgun.

_BOOM!_

"AAAHHH!" Both Churuya and Achakura screamed as they ran around the room, dodging buckshot. Kimiyoshi furiously pumped his shotgun at them, wanting to blow those cheese thieves to kingdom come. But instead, he blew blocks of cheese as the chibis dart from block to block to escape his rage. That pissed him off even more. He took a sickle and began chasing the chibis all around the room. They dove into a whole in the blocks of cheese. He followed and tried to crawl in but he got stuck and buried in an avalanche of carcinogenic dairy products. The chibis ran into the hole. He emerged like a crackhead from the pile of cheese. He growled viciously... and had a stroke.

"Blow the tunnel!" Achakura screamed, "Blow the tunnel-"

_BOOM! _Boss quickly pressed the button

The chibis were blown all the way back to the place were they the rock the blocked there way.

"Umph!" Churuya landed hard on the tunnel floor.

"Umph!" Achakura smacked against the wall. They coughed as the smoke and dust cleared. A soot-covered Churuya looked at the caved-in portion of the tunnel in disbelief.

"Nyoron~..." She moaned sadly. Then she shrieked in a tinny-high pitched voice, "It's not over yet, old man! You're gonna be sucking on apple sauce when I'm through with you!" She kept ranting when Achakura and the hamsters pulled her out of the way.

* * *

**Oh my God! Things have gotten bad to worst. The two brigades allying, Itsuki's nightmare, Mikuru's a lesbian, the South Park kids up to their mischief and a robbery foiled? Watch out for part 2 of this crazy non sequitur, The Other Side of Nighttime. Be afraid... be very afraid.**

**PS, the Rapeman bit is based on a Youtube video I saw.  
**


	10. The Other Side of Nighttime

**The Other Side of Nighttime**

Here's part 2 of the nightly craziness. Also featured here is a cameo of a controversial erotic black comedy/satire, Japanese manga series for adults called The Rapeman, which was referenced earlier. Plus a reference to the Slender Man and Psycho.

_At the same time as the events of Deep In the Night..._

**Tacos and dictators...**

Frank was pissed. He spent the whole afternoon rearranging his shiny, wax-screwed face. It was a pain in the head and hated every second of it. He then looked at the mirror and was satisfied. Every part of his face was in its proper order: the eyes are where they should be, the mouth is not on the forehead, etc. He said, "Oh you cheeky devil." He smiled, despite the fact that he's still an icky skeleton.

Then he looked around and realized something: he lost the puzzle box! _Bloody fuck!_ He thought. It was not one of his good days. With a huff, he then proceeded to search the Saiguden.

Things are cooking up in the underworld. Here's the story...

"WHAT! YOU WERE OUT FOR A DRINK?" Pinhead bellowed at his subordinate Cenobites at the Taco Hell, where they're eating dinner. The fast-food joint of the underworld is also full of customers, most of them in the toilets going through a sort of hell after eating cheap gastronomical heaven. You could hear the screams, moans, and farts of such torment in their. Plus the smell.

"But we tied him to the rack real good!" Butterball tried to explain. "We made extra sure that he'll never escape."

"Y-ye-yes. T-that's r-right," Chatterer replied, fidgeting his hands and clicking his teeth as though he had cerebral palsy, "W-we t-t-tied h-him up-"

"Shut the fuck up, Chatterer!" Pinhead yelled at him. Chatterer finally stopped clicking his teeth in fright.

Satisfied that he stopped clicky-clacky, Pinhead turned to Butterball, "So you say that you tied him up real good, is that right?"

"Yes," Butterball gulped.

"And thus, you went out to have a drink, right?"

"Uh-huh," he nervously answered.

"Well, well. That was a job well done," he then raised his voice, "EXCEPT HE GOT AWAY! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?"

"Maybe it was the quality of the rope?" Butterball chuckled, sweating bullets.

"DAMNATION!" He yelled at him. As he continue to badger them with verbal abuse for letting one of their S&M playthings get away, The Lord of the Underworld, Satan(let's just call him Beelz), and former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, were eating cheap tacos at the other table.

"Wow, these guys are getting so worked up over a runaway fetishist," Beelz commented as he ate his E. Coli chalupa.

"Who the fuck cares," Saddam sneered, "but it got me interested."

"In what way, Saddam?"

"Don't you see, Big Red Ass?" He explained, annoyed. "That this douche Frank Cotton got away from there clutches. That means he has a way to return to the world of the living."

"What are you planning this time, Saddam?" The prince of darkness asked with suspicion, "You're not planning world domination again are you?"

"What's you problem, bitch?" Saddam complained, "I _am_ planning to take over the world. What? You think I'm happy staying here?"

"But every time you try, your plans always backfire. Can't you stay here with me?" Beelz tried to be pretty.

"And get bored here? Fuck that!" the ex-dictator fumed, crossing his arms. "I'll make sure my plans work. And I want you to cooperate."

"But Saddam-" Beelz pleaded.

"What now, bitch!" He snapped.

"Why should I cooperate in your bid for world domination?" He bitched like a spoiled little party girl, "The last time I remembered, you just used me to get the whole world for yourself and then use me for sex afterward but you were defeated by a fat boy and his friends."

"Heeeeeeyyyyy! Relax, guy!" Saddam tried to soothe him, "When I get back to the world, I'll make you my queen." He smiled prettily at his demonic lover.

"Really?" The devil cheered gullibly.

Saddam instantly frowned at him and snapped, "No, bitch! I'm gonna be the one calling the shots when I'm king and you're gonna be my ass bitch!"

"That was mean," he cried.

"What? Do you think the meek will inherit the earth? That's just for pussies," he snapped again. "Here's the plan: the Cenobites have this box called the Lament Configuration where they suck in any dumbass who solves it, right?"

"That's right," Beelz reluctantly agreed.

"You see, we should hijack it the moment it opens up again, then take over the world."

"And when would that be?" He asked skeptically. "You know the two of us can't fit through the portal if it's open."

"Heeeeeeyyyyy! Relax, bitch!" He replied, "who said we can't get inside in places too tight." And he's now horny, "and getting in tight places gets me hot."

"Oh no, Saddam," Beelz replied sternly, "we've discussed this before." Clearly, Saddam doesn't take his lover seriously when he's horny.

"Come on," he teased, "there's nothing a little ass pounding won't help."

"But Saddam," the devil replied, "you're not taking our relationship seriously."

"Come on," the dictator bitched, "you're no fun any how. Just please give me some backdoor poontang."

"But Saddam, how are we gonna take over the world again if we can't fix our relationship?"

"Screw thaaaaat," he snapped, "the world can't conquer itself you know."

They didn't talk for a while. Then the dictator spoke, "Wanna go that concert with Biggie Smalls?"

The devil cheered, "Sure, why not-" Saddam suddenly pulled out a rubber mallet and knocked him on the head.

_WHACK!_

The huge red evil overlord fell face first on his chalupa. Saddam went behind and said, "You should know when it's flippy time for me, bitch." He undid his lover's pants. At the other table, Pinhead threatened them with revoking of piercing saloon and whipping privileges if they don't find a way to get him back.

**Keiichi's taco...**

Keiichi is alone in his room, reading the lolicon magazine that Shion asked Mion to give him to. His parents are at a social function at Gifu City, leaving him all by himself.

"Ohhhhh, rape Rika, rape Rika, rape Rika," he chanted as he fapped to one of the centerfolds in the magazine. It was special issue with with three centerfolds. One of them featured Imouto, another with Yutaka Kobayakawa. The third is his favorite, Rika Furude. Yes, he had long fantasized about doing the shrine maiden of the village, even when she's still _way_ below legal age! He wanted to enter heaven_ through_ her. Outside, two of his friends decided to play a trick on him.

"Hi Mi-chan," Rena greeted as she, Mikuru and Arakawa met Mion, "It's nice to see you."

"Hey Mikuru," Rena said to Mikuru as they joined Mion, "Keiichi is at home right now. Let's mess with him."

"Why would you do that?" Mikuru asked.

"'Cause Keiichi's such a gullible little douchebag," Mion happily explained. They approached the door of his house and rang the doorbell.

"Ding-dong, anyone home?" The voice from the door cheered. The doorbell knocked him out of revelry. Still, he was much too horny to be annoyed by it. Rather, it... stimulated... him... further.

"Who is it~?" Keiichi sang, standing in front of it.

"It's a pair of girl scouts selling cookies!" Another voice rang out.

"Just a minute, I'm taking off my pants," he sang back. The door opened and in stood Keiichi, "Hello?"

"Haha, Keiichi," Mion laughed, "you fell for it. You're such a gullible little douchebag."

"Huh?" He said then he realized that he's been tricked, "Dammit! My dreams of handling a girl scout's cookies have been shattered!" He growled slightly in rage.

"Hehe. Trust me Keiichi, you wouldn't know what to do with us," Mion replied, mocking his romantic inadequacy.

"Oh yeah, is that Mikuru?" Keiichi asked, pointing to the lolita moe that they've won from the SOS Brigade standing between Rena and Mion.

"Yes," Rena replied, "we're just showing her about how easy it is to fool you."

"Okay..." He replied. A few seconds later, he spoke, "Who's that guy behind you?"

"Oh him," Rena replied, "that's Kenta-kun."

Keiichi looked at the middle-aged man cosplaying as the Colonel, who would have made filled out a form as a token gay in a chick flick. He finally said, "Oh... the Colonel. Where'd you get him?"

"From the KFC stand," Rena cheerily replied.

"Oh," Keiichi said dumbly, "I didn't know that Harlan Sanders was gay." Then he turned his eyes to the box in Rena's hands. He asked, "What's in the box?"

"Oh this, these are tacos." She opened the box to reveal the Mexican goodness inside. "These are better than Taco Bell's."

The boy's eyes widened into saucepans and his drooled like a waterfall. His eyes then swept to the two redheads, Rena and Mikuru. His imagination turned the girls into sultry Mexican senoritas. He then spoke to Rena, "Hey Rena, may I have your virginity, I mean, some tacos? I have an appetite that only a tasty taco can get rid off."

"No Keiichi," Rena said firmly, "you can't have either."

"Okay..." He moaned. Then he looked Mikuru. His eyes wandered to her curvy hourglass figure. And he drooled even more.

"Miss Asahina," he asked with his tongue sticking out, "may I deflower you - and give some of those tacos?"

The moe jumped back behind Rena, "No! You're a creepy pervert!"

"That's right, Keiichi," Mion joined in, "No."

Keiichi gasped, "Blast! My dreams of making out with Miss Ass-hina's boobs and getting free tacos have been shattered."

"Yeah, you weren't particularly smart about it, either." Rena felt too exasperated by Keichii's bluntness to even be disgusted. "About as subtle as a seven-foot-tall ex-convict in a suit of blue space armor." With a gesture to a man passing by, fitting that exact description right down to the blue armor, carrying a bigass assault rifle. "No offense."

"Don't worry 'bout it." The gravelly-voiced cigar-smoking man waved, before resuming his business.

"Please, Rena," begged the sex-starved boy, "I've never had anybody to lay with since the first arc, when you asked me to."

"Well that's just too damn bad. This story's only rated... wait... eh, never mind. Still, NO."

"You don't know how desperate I'm getting, Rena! I had to bludgeon myself in the dangalang with a brick on a stick to keep me from raping a stray dog! I had to slap myself to keep from staring at a parking meter! I! AM! A! WRECK!"

"That's just sick, perverted and disturbed as you usually are. Under no circumstances am I inclined to honor your requests."

"Okay, then," he replied, "can I still have some tacos?"

"Hell no! These are MY tacos!"

"GIMME THE TACOS!"

"Never!"

Rebuffed, Keiichi went back inside crying. Rena turned to Mikuru, "See, Mikuru. That's what Keiichi's like during these nights were his parents are out of town."

"Really?"

"Sometimes," she chirped, "He doesn't get out of town that often, you know."

"What does he do every night when his parents are gone?"

Mion replied, "Sometimes, he plays Castlevania, watches Code Geass, or surf for hentai online."

"He's Code Geass fanboy?" The moe noted, "now wonder why he's nuts."

"He has a life-sized fanservice poster of Kallen Stadtfeld which he faps vigorously during Sundays."

"Really?"

"Yeah, just take a look of this." Mion took out a cellphone with a camera and played a video. It showed Keiichi nude in his bedroom with a large sexy poster of Kallen Stadtfeld in front of him. He was...

... being naughty. He played with himself very vigorously, with tongue sticking out. He kept on chanting, "_I want Kallen, I want Kallen, I want Kallen..._" Mion then turned off the cellphone before they reached the really disturbing part.

"Ewwww," Mikuru moaned, "is he really like that?"

"Sometimes," Mion chimed. "Again, when his folks ain't at home and only at night."

"You know what, he should get out more," she commented. "It's not healthy for him to stay in his house of most of the time."

"He never got beyond city limits," Mion chuckled. "Except that one time last December."

"What's that?"

"Comiket. He's a big Code Geass otaku and he was nice to let us join in. The event was a blast!"

"Wow, you cosplayed?" Mikuru asked.

"Yeah, and I was Hatsune Miku and Rena was Ritsu from K-On."

"Who was Keiichi cosplaying?"

The two girls chuckled for a while. Rena replied, "Keiichi's Lelouche."

"What!" Mikuru was surprised over the new revelation.

"It's true," Mion joined in, "you couldn't even tell the difference. But once his out of the Zero outfit, he's Keiichi again." Just as she said that, the trio were suddenly startled by Keiichi's loud sobbing. They look up the window and saw his figure hunched over in sadness.

"My God," the moe said, "he's sad." She turned to Mion, "Maybe we should give him some tacos."

"Like I'm gonna give that little perv some," Rena muttered indignantly, "these tacos are special." Keiichi's sobbing got louder.

"Um... maybe you should reconsider," she suggested, "he'll probably feel better. A little kindness goes a long way." She winked at her new best friend.

"That's right, Miss Rena~," Arakawa suggested, "It takes an act of compassion to change a little boy's heart, especially if it's cold, shriveled and covered in tar." Rena felt a little guilty. She then smiled.

"Keiichi-kun~," Rena called out sweetly, "please come here." The door instantly opened and Keiichi's out front, instantly happy again. He stood with his mouth open.

"What is it, Rena?" He bawled.

"Keiichi, me and Rena decided to give you some of the tacos," the redhead replied.

"Oh really?" He jumped with joy, "Oh give me, give me, give me."

Rena opened a box and offered it to Keiichi, "Take your pick." In an instant, Keiichi snatched some out of the box.

"Geez," he chirped, "thanks Rena. You're a lifesaver."

"Oh, before we forget," Mion took out a box of her own. "I have some chocolates to share."

"Oh really?" Keiichi asked excitedly. "Can I have some?"

"Yes," Mion replied, "with or without nuts."

"I can't decide," Keiichi mulled over before finally making his choice. "Without nuts, then!"

"Okay," Miion gave him a box. "Here you go." He quickly swiped it and went back inside. As the door slammed, the two girls giggled.

"What's so funny?" Mikuru asked perplexed.

"He's still a gullible little douchebag," Mion chimed. "Those are special chocolates. And depending what he had for lunch or dinner, his reaction to it can differ."

"I see," the moe noted.

"And I wonder what kind of reaction he would since I gave him some tacos?" Rena asked cutely.

"And by the way, Mikuru, those chocolates have nuts," Mion added slyly.

"Huh?"

Inside, they could hear him munch happily on his dinner of tacos and chocolates. "Num, num, num, num, num, num..."Then there was a loud burp. He finally said, "That's the best dinner I ever had. Pity, I didn't score with any of them though." Then there was a very loud growling noise. Then a very loud fart, "AHHHH! I've been tricked again! Keiichi's running to the bathroom!" They heard some loud running and door slamming. Then they heard him moan in pain,"AHHHHH! TACO HELL!" Plus more loud farting.

The three girls and one man dropped to the ground and let out a horrible cacophony of laughter. Arakawa rolled around the ground with both hands on his stomach and his began to water. Rena and Mion were drumming their heels on the ground and Mikuru was trying hard to cover her mouth to avoid making too much noise.

Suppressing more laughter, Mion said, "Tacos and chocolates make a very bad combination."

Rena added, "And nutty chocolates are a no-no for Kei-chan."

"Wow," Mikuru commented, stifling a chuckle, "you sure do know how to do schadenfreude."

"OH THE PAIN!" Keiichi screamed. "OH THE PAIN!"

"Come on, guys," Rena said, "let's go home. It's been a long night." Everyone agreed and went home. And Rena and Mikuru unknowingly and warmly held hands together along the way.

**Shion, you're so crazy~...**

"Lalalala," Shion sang as she made some dolls on the table, "I'm gonna play with you today~." She learned how to make dolls from Arts Class. The dolls looked like her friends, including Satoshi, and the SOS Brigade. The biggest of the dolls looked like Mikuru in frilly white lolita garb. "It's play time, Miss Asahina," She cooed and lifted her up in both arms, dancing around like a little girl.

She looked at the smiling lolita doll, all happy and smile. Shion's face, in contrast, looked absolutely freaky. Her eyes were dilated in grotesque sizes and she looked like she can commit wanton acts of evil. She set on a table with the Satoshi doll. She's making a puppet show.

"Hello," she spoke in a tiny cute voice to make her Mikuru doll speak, "What a beautiful day? The sky is blue and the birds are chirping and I'm ready to steal a man like the little harlot I am."

Then she happily took out the Satoshi doll and made some hopping motions with it like a little girl. "Summer is here, and I'm off to visit Shion." Then she placed 'Mikuru' near 'Satoshi'.

"Oh, good morning," 'Satoshi' greeted 'Mikuru,' waving his stubby hand.

"Hello!" The Mikuru doll 'replied', "I was just eating some pizza! Do you want some pizza?" 'She' offered a multicolored piece of clothe resembling a pizza.

"Oh no, thank you," 'Satoshi' respectfully declined. "I'm having breakfast at Shion's."

"Come on, Satoshi," 'she' cooed, "I wanna thank you for saving from my madame Miss Suzumiya."

"Yes, I know but my heart goes to Shion."

"But I have a lot of things that weigh more than Shion's heart," 'Mikuru' replied cutely.

"And what's that?" He 'asked' skeptically.

"I'm cute."

"Yes, I know you're cute but I better get going," he 'walked' off.

"No wait," 'Mikuru' pleaded, "that's not even the best part."

'Satoshi' stopped midway, "What is the best part then?"

"These!" 'She' squealed and peeled a part of her dress, 'flashing' at 'Satoshi'.

"My... my...," he said slowly, "those... are...big..."

"Really?" 'Mikuru' beamed and 'hopped' happily, "Why thank you, I'll give a better breakfast than Shion would ever give."

"Yeah..." The doll 'replied' hesitantly, "but Shion... has those... too..."

"But mine's bigger. Does she also have my cute face or my ravishing red hair or the whorish moeness that I have?" The moe doll 'giggled', "I can give you more than she can give. What does it take to capture your heart?"

"Nothing at all!" 'Satoshi' jumped.

"Okay," the moe 'chirped', "let's shag!"

"Right on with you," the doll couple hopped away in delight. But the puppet master's pissed. Her smiled looked crack, her eyes twitched violently, and her hands trembled with rage. Her mind is on fire. She's suddenly have the urge to let the demon inside her loose. She turned menacing glances at the SOS Brigade dolls, starting with the Mikuru doll on her hand. Her face cracked into complete rage! But first...

She separated the SOS Brigade dolls from that of her friends and placed the latter on one side of the table. She gently placed the Satoshi doll between the Mion and Rena dolls. Then turned her eyes back on the Mikuru doll.

And she banged it against the table wildly, screaming to the top of her lungs! She then drowned it in boiling water. After that, she took a pen knife and stabbed it many times. She cast it hard on floor and stomped on it rapidly. Picking it up, she banged it on the table some more and ripped its arms out, then the head, and finally gouged out the cotton stuffing with her bare hands. As pieces of the doll fell to the table, she switched to other targets, the SOS Brigade. She then proceeded to tear them apart wildly, shrieking in rage at them. Spent, she panted as she looked over at the remains of the SOS Brigade dolls and noticed that there's one doll left. It was a doll that looked Kyon.

Shion noticed that she somehow made it peculiar. For eyes, it had a button on the left and a googly eye in the right. It was dressed in a North High boy's uniform. It had the likeness of a chibi version of Kyon - except its mouth. The mouth looked like it was sewed badly on the face, stitches being very visible and it had a grin that looked like it's made of jagged glass(in fact it _is_ jagged glass, taken from a mirror Shion broke in rage and then she glued the pieces into a smile) which stretched from ear to ear. The Kyon doll looked absolutely terrifying and disturbing. It almost looked liked a voodoo doll that came to life and killed its witch doctor, just like from a very gory horror movie.

Shion thought about if it's a good idea to kill a doll as scary as that, especially since she created it that way unknowingly adding its horrific features in the process. It seemed to smile back at her.

Then picked him up and slammed him violently against the table, stabbed him repeatedly before slashing him open and tearing him apart. She laughed demonically and danced around like crazy.

"YEAH! That's better!" She screamed, "Better than Saw!" She panted slowly, trying to savor her rage. She calmed down, clearly having an idea about what she planned to do to take care of Mikuru and regain Satoshi's heart. Her smile was one of terrible evil. It was going to be so terrible that no girl would cross her's or Satoko's path ever again.

Then a crashing sound from the kitchen alarmed her. She quickly swung her head to the corridor still smiling. If it's a burglar, he's gonna have a taste of her viciousness. Pretending she didn't hear it, she skipped happily away, humming the Pretty Cure theme. She knelt down on the floor.

"Hey, check it out," she cheered, "a secret compartment in the floorboards." She chuckled as she moved it a few times. She went on, "Boy, this is so much fun that I've forgotten what I'm doing. I'm completely off-guard. Yep, if someone were to attack me right now I'd be completely vulnerable." Crickets chirped. She then extracted a knife out of the secret compartment. She stood up and then the lights went out.

"What the hell!" She jumped around, "who turned off the lights!" She walked stealthily, checking her corners with blade drawn.

Then a hand grabbed her mouth. An arm disarmed her and she was lifted up in the air.

"Cock-a-doodle-do, it's dangalang-"

Shion gasped in surprise.

"Bitch, it's rape time!" Replied the Spandex-wearing intruder. He then sang, "Baby you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man."

"AAAAHH!" Shion screamed as she was thrown on the bed. Now she lay on top, trapped and spreadeagled. The blue Spandex leotard-wearing ninja was down in on his fours like a spider. It's only a matter of time before he violates Shion.

"Time for me use my wonker," the ninja said with glee. Shion tried to struggle but his grip is too strong. "Man, how ain't you gonna let mew do my cockadoodledo thing?"

"I don't know who the hell you are but I'm gonna fuck you up," she threatened.

"Bitch, that's what I want you do," Replied Spandex ninja. He got ready. Shion winced.

"No please."

"What we have here, little yellow sister, is a magnificent specimen of pure Alabama Blacksnake. But it ain't too goddamned beaucoup. " He replied. "Rape ain't comfy and I bet your better than that fat kid's mommy."

"You sound like a Chavvy Piccolo," the green-hair noted.

"That's what everyone tells me," he stopped short of what he's doing and grunted in annoyance. He doesn't like being referred to as a Chavvy Piccolo.

"Okay, I've got something for you," Shion launched a massive kick into his groin. He was sent flying out of the bed. He howled in pain. She grabbed her knife again and faced the intruder.

"Time for some circumcision!" She laughed menacingly, brandishing the knife. The ninja got up on his feet and Shion pursued him all over the apartment, Benny-Hill style. But the 'ninja' was too quick, somersaulting to and fro to dodge Shion's strikes.

"Oh man," he despaired, "you ruined tonight's job."

"I'll shove your balls up your ass!" She shrieked. He pissed her off even more by him 'lolololololol'ing like a turkey.

"Toodles, dame," he repied happily and made it out the open window, where he ziplined in. "Run run run as fast as you can,you cant catch me I'm the dingalingman." He walked up the rope like the daring young on the flying trapeze.

"Oh yeah?" Shion cut the rope with one slash. The rope fell and he screamed, hitting the ground like meteor.

Shion went downstairs to grab the groaning rapist. There he was in pain. "Man..." He said, "my dangalng's all messed up." He stumbled down and saw Shion's feet. He looked up and saw her terrifying rape face. He shuddered and tried to crawl away. Shion nonchalantly grabbed and threw him up in the air, slamming him hard against the wall. He walked up to him in evil triumph.

"Now, let's see who's behind the mask." She licked her knife. She pulled out the masked. The revelation shocked her.

"Toby Maguire!" She gasped. The Spiderman star tried to molest her?

"Hello, Shion," he chuckled nervously.

"Something doesn't add up," she said with some doubt. She pulled his nose. Lo and behold! It was a mask again...

... and it was Robert Downey Jr.

"What? The Ironman?" She was surprised again, "Who the hell are you?"

He replied, "Me? I know who I am! I'm a dude playin' a dude disguised as another dude."

That made Shion suspicious again. He pulled his nose and found yet another mask.

It was none other than the School Council President! The cold bastard suddenly showed one emotion - fear.

"Hmmm," Shion teased menacingly, "just to make sure..." She held the knife close to his face, preparing to skin it.

He bolted up in fear, "OKAY! OKAY! This is my real face! Please don't cut it!" He went down on his knees and begged, kissing her feet.

"Why did you try to rape me?" She demanded angrily.

"Please," he explained frantically, "I only did it for the money! My salary's too small-"

"You've got the wrong job, pal!" Shion smirked. She then dragged his ass back to the house. "It's Happy Fun Fun Time~!"

"No!" He screamed for his life, "Don't hurt me! I'll do anything! Anything! Anything, I tell you! Just please don't hurt me!" But all his begging is in vain as he's about to found out as his pleas are drowned by her demonic cackling.

Meanwhile... At a hotel in Gifu City, someone was having some tea as she impatiently checked her watch and cellphone. "What's taking him so long?" Yuno huffed impatiently as drank some of her tea(British style with pinky out). She also took another look at her ax blade, which was sitting next to her magazines, one of them is The Economist while the other is a yaoi magazine. She then said, "He should be done by now but it's getting late. If he comes back late..." She held up her ax, "I'll kill him." She then called a bank in Switzerland(owned by Hetalia's human version) to wire back the money she sent to the school council president. "But if that Most Pyschotic Yandere-title stealing Sonozaki bitch is still alive, I'll chop her from limb to limb."

**Reverse shower murder..**

Julia went to the bathroom to clean up. It had been a tiresome day. During that night, she had a light dinner alone and overheard a heated conversation with proprietor Norman Bates and his mother. Mother? She didn't she had a mother. _Oh well_, she thought, _anyone who lives with his mommy has a screwed-up life_. She continued to wash up, not noticing an eye moving in the painting outside the bathtub. Actually, those 'eyes' are actually peepholes for someone gazing hungrily at her, all the while working out on a stationary bike that powers the grindstone that's sharpening his knife.

The bathroom door opened silently and an unknown figure entered , knife in hand, at its unwitting prey. It hungrily at the figure of the woman he was about to kill.

"A boy's best friend is his mother," the mysterious figure said as he approached the shower curtain. Then he ripped it open, raised the knife to plunge into her body-

_POING!_

Julia banged his head with a pipe, knocking him over and crashing into his back. He groaned as he gazed back at the naked Julia. The 40-plus woman smirked at him, "Norman Bates, what a surprise. I didn't know you like dress up in drag." True enough, Norman Bates was dressed like an old lady, complete with a wig. "And you forgot, Norman. I'm a MILF."

"How.. did... you know..." He groaned, wanting know how she knew how he was gonna kill her.

"I didn't. Let's just say it was my lucky day." She smiled evilly.

_WHACK!_

**Hotel chaos...**

While Haruhi was happily making her alliance with the Anti-SOS Brigade, Yuki's eyes wandered around the room as the soccer game ended in a great victory for Beckham's team. She caught sight of a sweet gentle girl standing at the back with a short blue-haired girl with a catlike smile. She has short, purple hair with a yellow ribbon in it and droopy eyes that are light violet. She looked like Akari Kamigishi from To Heart, one of her favorite adult dating sims. The girl had brilliant sheen which Yuki couldn't get over. The alien approached her like a stupid moth drawn to a kerosene lamp.

"Hey, Tsukasa," Kotonoha asked, "wanna try the salad?"

"Oh, yes," she chirped, "I really do."

"That's great 'cause it has that balsamic vinegar that you like a lot."

"Really?" She asked excitedly, feeling all giddy. She never expected it.

"Here, try it," the otaku offered a large bowl of greens glazed with a glistening black sauce.

Hesitant at first, she took the bowl in her hands. She then took out a salad fork and picked up some greens. She ate some chewed them slowly to note the taste. Her face lit up like the sun. "Oh my," she chirped, "there really is balsamic vinegar." She turned to Konota, "Thanks, Kona-chan."

"Don't mention it," she happily chirped as she fished out a large chocolate cornet from the dessert stand.

As Tsukasa munched happily on her salad, Yuki stood in front of her. She realized that she was the girl back in the schoolyard who, along with her friends, did battle with the Games Club and the Anti-SOS Brigade. Her performance in the game wasn't very good - she was sprayed with water by bullies Kyouko and Kuyou and didn't even fight back. Yuki felt sorry about how helpless she is against them. She wanted to reach out to her.

"Good evening," Yuki greeted pleasantly.

Tsukasa looked up and saw a girl with short lavender-hair and pale skin. She looks quite ordinary enough. She greeted back, "Good evening."

"Nice night, isn't it?" The alien asked.

"Well, it is," Tsukasa replied, "a bit crowded, though."

"I see," Yuki looked around, "you know what... you looked familiar." She looked at Tsukasa with eyes entranced.

"Do I look like someone you know?" The girl timidly asked.

"Yes..." Yuki's eyes widened, "you looked like my favorite To Heart character... Akari Kamigishi, you're so like her."

Tsukasa gasped and backed away a bit. There's yet another fucked-up otaku who plays dating sims for the lack of dates and is ogling at her. She thought,_ Please, big sis! Please come and save me_.

"Were you hurt by those two bitches?" Yuki asked with care. Suddenly, Tsukasa remembered being splashed with water from those two girls from the school yard. They were very mean to her and Miyuki. One of them sounded like a fuckep-up Vocaloid with hair that seemed to make up half her body weight while the other girl looked like a loli whose puberty was belatedly jump-started by Mary Jane. This weird looking girl doesn't sound like an otaku... so far.

"Well," she replied slowly, "They got me a little wet but other than that, I'm fine." The alien looked at the salad and forked a lettuce leaf. She ate and said, "You like balsamic vinegar?"

"Yes, it's quite tasty."

"I see," Yuki smiled, "everything will be alright, Miss Akari Kamigishi."

Tsukasa was definitely creeped out, "I'm not Akari Whoever-she-is. My real name's Tsukasa Hiiragi and I'm not a cosplayer. This is what I usually wear everyday." She pointed to her ribbon.

"Fair enough," Yuki replied, "you're so pretty."

"Is that... just because I look like you favorite character, or..."

"Hmm..." Yuki murmured inconfirmingly. "So, have you ever heard about 'crack fics'?"

"Eh? What do you mean? I guess I haven't."

"I heard rumours. Crack fics are hideous perversions of reality, existing solely to spread pain, misery, suffering, and severe mental anguish among the population. They make no sense and have no coherent plot, and are generally as healthy as a day spent in the hot Chernobyl sun."

"Wow, that sounds scary."

"Eh, they're just rumours."

"Okay..." Yuki's eyes looked hungry, "I want to have you." Tsukasa trembled at the site of the alien trying to hit her.

Kagami went around to look for sister only to see her back away from lavender-haired dyke. She rushed in between them like a raging bull. "Hey! She shouted at Yuki, "Back off!"

"And who might you be?" Yuki asked in monotone.

"I'm Kagami Hiiragi, you screwed little otaku!" She snapped at her. "And this girl's no cosplayer, she's my sister!"

"Hooray, sis," Tsukasa quietly cheered at her older sister saving her from this stalker.

"That's what she said," Yuki replied.

"Okay, we're outta here," Kagami blurted as she took Tsukasa by the wrist like a little child. As she did, she was confronted by a priest.

"Are the two of you shrine maidens?" He asked, startling the two.

"Uh... sometimes during the holidays," Kagami replied slowly.

"You know what that means?" He shouted insanely, "You are committing idolatry! You're committing idolatry with your anime worship!"

"What are talking about?" Tsukas stammered in fright.

"People who worship idols go the everlasting black pit of Hell! People who serve idolatry go to Hell and burn even more!"

"But were not even Catholic!" Kagami blurted, "And who the hell are you and what gives you the right to impose on us?"

"I'm Father Maxi and it's my duty to spread the word of the Good Shepherd to all corners of the earth. Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. "

"Yeah, thanks for the sermon!" Kagami hurriedly said, "we're leaving!"

"No! I have much to say! You need to be saved! You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe! And he will be your ruler! A place of everlasting agony and pain! Hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept Christ!If this does not change, I promise you, you will be going to the black pit of Satan's world!"

The twins screamed and ran away, not from the searing light of Catholicism's moral ascendancy but from rumors of what priests do to teenage girls. As he tried to catch to continue his rantings, Yuki strucked a bowl of salad into his head. Father Maxi crashed into a table, tumbled across the floor. He was now panicking as balsamic vinegar stung his eyes.

-StarCraft II theme plays-

"Ahhh! The black vinegar of everlasting night!" He struggled epically to remove it out of his head, stumbling into more things and people, generally causing chaos for several minutes. With many epic crashes. Some flying pieces of food entered women's cleavages, causing them to scream in panic add to the general chaos.

-StarCraft II theme ends-

As he finally popped it out of his head, he looked at the mess he created. He gasped, "Good Lord... What have I done?" The entire dining hall looked like the aftermath of an alcohol-hyped Justin Beiber concert that took place in the mansion of the Baldwin brothers that was hosted by Borat. It was too damn messy.

Yuki muttered under her breath, "No one religiously harass my favorite H-game characters and gets away with it." She then went up with a stunned SOS Brigade, who only move half-heatedly from behind.

**The chibis strike back**...

Churuya ranted for a few minutes on after she was pulled away from the ruined portion of the tunnel, still trying to challenge Kimiyoshi the next time she moves. After that, she panted and sat down.

"Churuya," Achakura pleaded, "please come down. I want you to breath in and breathe out.

Churuya did as she was instructed for a few seconds.

"Feeling better?" Achakura asked with concern.

"I was... so close..." Churuya muttered in despair. She then pinched the air to make a point, "I was this close to taking the mother lode."

"That's alright," the bluenette chibi cheered, "we can do at a next time." But Churuya didn't listen to her. She was reminiscing.

_Flashback..._

The delivery man deposited a box of smoked cheese at the front of the Tsuruya mansion and droved off. Outside, Tsuruya burst out the door and shouted with glee. "Oh my God! My deluxe smoked cheese from Europe is here!"

Then a squeaky voice called out, "Yay~, smoke cheese!" Churuya then happily skipped outside to grab the box only to be caught by the collar by her creator Tsuruya.

"What's the big idea, pipsqueak!" The fanged girl raged at the chibi.

"Why are you so worked my creator," Churuya said sweetly, "I only want to have some of that smochi."

"Oh really~" Tsuruya's face lit up in a sly smile. "Well then... GO WASH THE DISHES, CLONE!" She flung her towards the sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes. Churuya crashed into the pile. She then emerged from it, wet and dirty.

"What was that for?" Churuya asked sibilantly.

"Today, it's the servants' day off," her creator cruelly explained, "and since that nobody's around to clean the dishes, I think you should, nyoro!" LOL Fang-tan let out a laugh that supposed to sound evil and sadistic but ended up sounding moronic.

After a few seconds of that horrible ear-grating laugh, Churuya spoke in a subdued tone, "If I finish... Can I have some smoked cheese?"

"Oh sure," Tsuruya replied, changing from evil to good-natured in a few seconds, "You can." Then she snapped, "Just finish those dishes okay!"

"Okey-dokey!" The chibi quickly complied.

Into the night...

"Tsuruya-san," she chirped, "I'm done." Panted a wet, tired and dirty Churuya as she walked into the living room. "Can I have some smoked cheese?"

"Oh sure," replied a lounging Churuya, seating on Middle Eastern-style sofa, "here you go." She tossed a leftover cheese cube. The chibi ran to get it and caught it. She licked her lips and just as she was about to plop it into her mouth, a mouse jumped over and grabbed the piece, running off to its hole. "Nyoron~", she moaned sadly.

She then turned to Tsuruya for more cheese, "Tsuruya-san, Tsuruya-san, can I have some more?"

"What?" Tsuruya mocked her pleas for more cholesterol-rich goodness, "My little clone wants more cheese?"

Churuya nodded vigorously. Then the fanged girl broke into laughter, "Too bad! You can't have any! I only want cheese for my self and you can't have anymore so go screw yourself!" She threw a towel at the chibi, slamming her against the wall and causing a portion to crack.

"Nyoron~," moaned Churuya. Her creator laughed even harder with her horrible laugh, which made her looked like a jackass.

_Flashback over..._

"Nyoron... nyoron..." Churuya repeated that word with sadness.

"Are you okay, Churuya?" Achakura asked, patting her shoulders.

"NYORON!" The chibi screeched in rage, "FUCK YOU, TSURUYA! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS IN HELL, YOU MEGA-FATASSED FANGED MORON!" The hamsters quickly stood aside and Achakura hid behind a box in fright. Then the chibi cheese-eater calmed down and sat back.

"Churuya, please don't do that again," Achakura said.

"I'm sorry," replied the green-haired chibi, "I don't wanna loose all that goodness. I don't want to have to beg to that dumb bitch for cheese. I may be her clone but I'm smarter than her."

"But look where it got us. It never got us anywhere near the cheese," Churuya tried to explain.

Churuya remained silent for a while. Then she blurted, "No!"

"What?"

"That's right, you hear me. I'm not gonna give up." Churuya then gave Achakura some historical examples, "look at Patton, Ho Chi Minh and Mao Tse Tung, did they give up when the first attack failed, did they go home with their tales behind their backs? No! They went and attacked and attacked until their opponents give up. That's what I want to do!" She turned to the hamsters, "Alright! Who's with me!"

The hamsters cheered with resounding excitement, which echoed all over the tunnels. Then Churuya turned to Achakura, "How about you? Achakura? Are you in or out?"

"I don't know..." The bluenette chibi has some reservations about continuing the undertaking.

Then everyone broke into a song. They began to sing Muppet's Professorial Pirates to the unconvinced Achakura.

A few minutes of singing later...

The chibi is now convinced about pushing on regardless. She said to Churuya, "I'm in! I wanna see this through and win! And to friendship and adventure I will go!"

"Good!" Churuya said, handing her a box cutter. "Tonight's your first big job. Do it well and you will have the adventure of a lifetime." Everyone cheered and their morale was raised to astonishing heights.

**The Slender Man...**

Frank Cotton has trashed the entire Saiguden searching for the Cube. It was frustrating work as all sorts of stuff have piled around him. He though, _Damn, where's Julia and that victim she promised me?_ As he trifled through the useless junk, he found an unusual looking book. It looked like it was made with leather coming from human flesh. It smelled like crap and it looked old. Frank then said, "Damn, you're ugly."

"UGLY?" Screeched the book, with a face emerging from the front cover, "I'll show you ugly!" It pounced on him and bit him. Frank screamed louder than ever when he had his fetish adventures and the entire shed resounded with the sounds of a life and death struggle.

Outside... The boys began moving in, roleplaying some Vietnam war-era LRRP patrols.

"This Jackass Six, Jackass Six, over," Cartman said, imitating radio static.

"Copy that, Jackass Six, this is Bravo Six, over," Replied Kyle.

"Report, Bravo Six, over," Cartman commanded.

"It looks like this gook village is all quite," replied Kyle, "no activity, over."

"Keep your eyes peeled, Bravo One, 'I' Corp intel shows this village's main hub of VC activity, over."

"Roger that, over."

"Hey, Bravo One," Cartman went on, "better go check that synagogue on the right flank. It's probably an ammo cache, over."

Pissed, Kyle's face went red with anger. He then snapped at him, "Shouldn't that a shrine, Cartman?"

"Whatever, Kyle," Cartman didn't mind his own Anti-Semitic comment. He turned to Stan and Tweak, "Stan, Tweak, on the '60." The two boys climbed up from behind Cartman and set up an airsoft M60. "Bravo One, check the syna-"

"Shrine!" Kyle cut in.

"Okay, shrine!" Cartman grumbled, "better check the shrine, Jew."

"I will, fatass!" He turned to his squad, Bravo One, consisting of Jimmy, Craig, and Gregory. "Bravo One, move out." The four boys moved cautiously to the shrine, crouched low.

"I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats. " Token Black said to Cartman.

"Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit village," Cartman replied, holding up an airsoft M16 and playacting his role, "first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Kenny bust his cherry on a sweet little mama-san's dinky-down poon-tang!"

"Shit, Kenny be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch. He die, he probably die a coochless motherfucker." Chuckled Pip, who was the British kid in the class, and perhaps the entire town of South Park. Then a noise startled them from a shed behind the woods.

"What's that?" Craig shuddered.

"Zip it, that look's like a VC interrogation hut," Cartman quieted Craig, "we better go rescue us some POWs." Then doors of the shed burst open. The boys nearly screamed and dove into the nearby bushes. Peering through the foliage, they saw a violently jerking figure of a horribly-disfigured man who looked like he had both the worst plastic surgery in his life and the worst autopsy in death, with a flat piece of thick leather aggressively biting his hand. He snarled so viciously that the boys almost wet their pants.

"Oh my God," Kyle whispered, "he's dancing." He's right. The creature danced a mashup of Geddan, Numa Numa, Paffendorf, Hamster Dance, and Caramelldansen so fast and so weird that it would put hip-hop and Dirty Dancing to shame.

"Check it out," Cartman said in glee, his eyes wide open.

Frank Cotton tried to shake of the vicious book out of his hand, spanking it against the trees, biting the leather binding that tasted like Britney Spears, and scraping on the ground like a turd. Then he finally stepped on it, painfully pulled it out from his hand and got rid of it - with his hand gone too. Pissed, he shouted, "Arrghh! Just my bloody luck!"

"Jesus Christ, guys," Stan called, "it's the Slender Man."

"Timmeh, Timmeh, Timmeh!" Timmy shouted in fear.

"He's right," Jimmy Vulmer explained, "it's the guy who takes kids of the playground, rapes them in his basement, and eats them for dinner." They shook even more in fright as the terrible Slender Man ambled out of the woods.

Frank swayed as he clumsily moved his body, tired after the epic struggled with that horribly ugly book. He panted heavily when a piece of bird crap splatted on his shoulder. He turned his eyes upward to see a large murder- that's right, murder- of crows gazing at him hungrily. To pissed to even try to look at them for a moment and think it over, he snapped at the crows, "Bollocks! What the hell do you want, you little shitbirds?"

One of the crows hopped next to him and simply cawed, "Mine."

_Oh shit_, he thought as the crows flocked around him, _they think I'm a walking buffet table_. No kidding, since Britain's favorite sexual deviant looked like he was a piece of rotting leftover pizza on legs.

He didn't move. The crow said again, "Mine."

All of a sudden, hundreds of crows pounced on him like a bunch of gays at a discount lingerie shop. Frank screamed as he tried to swat away the hundreds of cadaver-eating birds off his body to no avail. Rolling around the ground to crush didn't help as the simply fly out of the way and pounce on him once again. The crows alternately chanted creepily, "Raping, time, raping time, raping time, raping time..." and ,"Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!..."

"ARRGGH! ARGGH! ARRRGHH!"

"(Oh God!)" Kenny screamed, "(The Slender Man's gathering his flock of evil crows to find us! RUN FOR IT GUYS!)"

"ARRGGHH!" They all screamed and run away. During their hasty flight out of the village, Cartman knocked Token Black out of his way like the fatass jerk he is. He said to him, "Token, make yourself useful and be the first one to die for the sake of our survival!" But Token was too scared to even do that so he got up and ran even faster. The two cripples in their group, Timmy and Jimmy Valmer lagged behind the rest of the others. Tiimy wheeled desperately as he tried to get away from Slender Man. Then he knocked into Jimmy, making them falling into the dirt.

"ARRRGGH!" Growled Frank as he ran around like a moron.

"ARRRGGHH!" Shrieked Jimmy as fear put strength into his legs, throwing away his crutches and made him ran like the wind, keeping up clouds of dust.

"TIMMMMEEEHHH!" Timmy screamed as the Slender Man closed in, doing the same thing to his legs as with Jimmy, popping out of his wheelchair and leaving a hell of a lot of speed lines. Everyone screamed all the way back to the hotel like little girls.

* * *

**And no offense to the Catholic religion and to Shintoism. I only do that for humor purposes.  
Oh my, Norman Bates has met his match. It sucks to be in the losing end. And the SCP's the Rapeman? What the hell! And Saddam's scheming with Satan despite his relationship problems. Here are the references: the convict in blue space armor is StarCraft 2's Tychus Findlay, Yuno Gasai is from Mirai Nikki and the book that attacked Frank is Evil Dead's Necronomicon. To understand all this hilarity, I suggest that you watch Hellraiser, Higurashi, South Park, Haruhi Suzumiya, and Vietnam war movies and much more.  
**


	11. Good morning, Hinamizawa

**Good morning, Hinamizawa.**

A/N: Sorry for the hiatus, guys. I've been busy with other projects as of late. Especially with my **Azumanga Daioh** fics, among them a crossover with a zombie-themed anime, **Highschool of the Dead**. It(HOTD) had everything you can expect from a zombie movie and anime, including zombies and hot girls: hot girls that are in true Japanese anime style and not in blatant American style with cleavage and dumb girls, although that belongs to the cheap slasher movies and not zombie movies. Anyway, here's more of the crazy antics of the SOS Brigade in Hinamizawa, with the cast of South Park and Hellraiser(which the latter is basically made up of Frank and Julia, and the Cenobites too). Ever wondered where the mysterious panda in the Deep In The Night chapter came from? Please note that some of my jokes will be politically incorrect so please read with an open mind and a still stomach.

**Bodily transformation...**

Julia dragged Norman Bates' barely-struggling body through the door of the Saiguden. She opened it and the sack he's in suddenly wriggled vigorously. She just simply knocked him a few times with a frying pan. He calmed and let out a low moan. Satisfied, the MILF bitch dragged her in and closed the door. She then dropped a grunting Norman out of the sack to the floor and called out, "Oh Franky~! I'm home~!"

Her words made Frank shudder.

"I don't think I want to come out," said a whiny voice.

"What?" Julia was surprised. "What do you mean? I just brought you breakfast."

"Breakfast?" Bates gulped uneasily.

"Just shut up, Bates," She snapped at and turned back to the voice, "Frank, just come out."

"I won't!" Frank replied loudly, "Not like this!"

"Come on, Frank, it's not like anyone wouldn't be terrified of your looks," Julia pouted, her arms crossed.

"Well... it's a bit complicated." From the shadows stepped out a skeleton, who look like he was just masticated.

"Jesus Christ, Frank!" The MILF exclaimed, "What the hell happened to you?"

"You see, I just got raped by a bunch of crows," Frank sulked in embarrassment.

"You went outside? You should have been more careful," she snapped.

"I know but some book bit my hand!" Frank defended himself, "And I rushed out!"

"Okay, fine, we've got enough trouble for one day," Julia sighed. They paused for a few seconds before they turned to a squirming Norman and smiled menacing grins. "Don't worry, Norman," she reassured him. "It won't take long."

"That's right, Norman," Frank added. "You're gonna have the best day of your entire life."

"No! I'm getting out of here-!" Bates tried to wriggled out of the way but Frank crashed his foot into his groin, causing the 'psycho' to curl up in pain and moan.

"Would you do the honors, dear Julia?" Frank asked.

"Certainly." She smiled viciously and raised the hammer to beat Norman half to death.

Norman's last words, "Go to the porn shop, MILF bitch."

"'MILF bitch'?" Julia asked angrily, her eyes glaring at Frank with the intensity of a crematorium.

Frank's second set of last words, spoken nervously, "Wait? Did I say 'MILF bitch'? Uh, I mean, cougar- Wait, that's not right! I was going to say-"

Not wanting to hear anymore of Norman's bullshit, Julia brought the hammer down hard again, this time he died screaming. Frank knelt down and put his hands on the late Norman Bate's body. Bate's body suddenly dried itself up like the lovechild of a dried squid and sun-dried tomatoes while Frank's body from his current skeletal form into a more fruity tomato texture.

"Do I disgust you?" Frank asked her about his new form.

"No," Julia said smiling, "not at all."

Happy, he patted her shoulder. "See? It's making me whole again. Every drop of blood you spill puts more flesh on my bones. And we both want that don't we?"

"Frank, you're soiling my designer blouse with your blood and gore," Julia reminded Frank.

"Oh sorry." Frank pulled away his arm from the blouse. He then said, " I'm hurting."

"Oh, I'm sorry, my Frank. Did my what I said hurt you?" She cooed him.

"No, that's not it," he replied. "My nerves ... are beginning to work again."

"Good." Julia smiled.

"One more. Maybe two to heal me completely. Then we can be away from here, before they come looking."

"Who?" Julia asked but before she got an answer, there were some sounds outside.

"Quickly!" Frank scurried under some junk. "Get away from here and get me more bodies."

"Anything for you, love." She beamed. "Then we can be together, the way we were before. We belong to each other now, for better or worse ... like love. Only real."

"One more thing, Julia," Frank asked, "Are you really a MILF?"

"No, I don't have kids," she answered plainly.

Julia scurried out the back of the Saiguden while Frank dove back under the junk. Outside in the receding predawn darkness, some thugs in ugly gray jumpsuits ding in the bushes noted some strange activity around the Saiguden, among of which s forty-something woman coming out the back. They request permission to follow her but that was denied and they were ordered to surveillance on the Furude house.

**Fish head surprise**...

Tired from rebuilding his vault and drowsy due to his miraculous stroke medication, Old Man Kimiyoshi retired to bed where he can at least have some good sleep before morning. Then he dreamed his fantasy dream. There, he fished from Onigafuchi Swamp for gayfish, but there is one gayfish that is special to him. His name is Lance Bass. He is the biggest of the gayfish in the lake and very close to his heart. Sometimes in midnight when the whole village is asleep, he would slip to the lake to meet the truck-sized gayfish, swimming with him while playing Kanye West's hit single, _Gay Fish_ in a radio.

-Gay Fish plays-

_Yo, uh, uh c'mon_

He would swim together with him for hours before sunrise. Flitting through the dark water like a squid, flirting with the one fish he grew to love.

_I've been so lonely girl, I've been so sad and down_  
_ Couldn't understand why haters joked around_  
_ I wanted to be free with other creatures like me_  
_ And now I got my wish, cause i know that I'm a gay fish (gay fish)..._

He would sometimes swim with him at the bottom of the lake where Norman Bates dumped the cars of his victims. Clearly, the people of the village don't seem to care about their odd foreign neighbor's activities or why his guests disappear from his 'inn'. It was the most beautiful moment of his life. And that they would always be together, for all eternity, against a cold cruel world which knew nothing of such love.

_(Gay fish Yo) mother fuckin' gay fish_  
_ (I'm a fish yo) goin' on a gay fish_  
_ (It's alright girl) makin' love to other gay fish _

He hugged Lance tightly, wanting the feeling of love he felt when they felt when they first met.

-Gay Fish fades and Godfather Horse Head Theme plays-

It was four in the morning when he woke up. It would be another morning for him. While he mused about what he should have for breakfast he noticed a slight sticky wetness on his legs. Then he looked over his shoulder to see some large red spots on his blanket. A foul smell assailed his nostrils and he was instantly worried it might be his blood. He frantically parted the sheets to see several large fish steaks stacked neatly on top on each other. Both curious and apprehensive, he flipped the blanket to see something so shocking in his life!

Beside his feet laid the head of Lance Bass, severed brutally with a knife. On it he could see the fish's expression of fear and pain, which remained imprinted on its horridly lifeless face.

-Godfather Horse Head theme ends-

"AAAARRRGGGH! AAAAARRRGGGH! AAAAARRRGGHH!" He screamed as he backed away from the fish head. The scream echoed throughout his house, throughout the village and finally throughout the world. On the wall was a sign written in fish blood: AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS, NYORO? CHIBIS CAN EAT SMOKED CHEESE TOO, signed with Churuya's signature. Below it was another bloody graffiti that read, FUCK US AGAIN AND YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES, signed by Achakura.

**Early morning routine**...

The sun rose high up in Hinamizawa as Rika woke up with a lazy yawn. She looked at her window and said. "What another wonderful day in Hinamizawa. Most of all, NO SCHOOL TODAY!" She was happy to know that spontaneous explosion damaged the school so they wouldn't be going there for a few days. That means more time for fun!

Just as she said that she heard her teacher, Chei Rumiko, was announcing through the megaphone, "Okay, kids. The school's all fixed up so we can go back to pushing pencils today."

"Oh crap!" Rika snapped, "this is just my luck!"

She added for Rika's benefit, "If you don't want to go, Rika! You can let me in so I can strip you, coat with your body with curry paste, and and lick it off slowly!" She then skipped away to the next house to convey the news.

"Alright, I'll freakin' go," the bluenette miku grumbled and leaned to Satoko. She shook her. "Alright, Satoko. Time to wake up."

After some nudging Satoko got up, yawned loudly and cutely. She said absentmindedly, "Butters... Is that you...?"

"Butters?" Rika asked. "If your looking for butter, it's in the kitchen. Come up and let's get breakfast ready." The bluenette grumbled about as she got off the bed, pissed that her day-off was ruined by the school being fixed.

Meanwhile, at the camp, Taniguchi woke after his uneasy sleep. It wasn't easy to dream oa Po, the Kung-fu Panda, sleeping next to him. As he woke up his ears were greeted with some weird-sounding '60s music and smell of food. He got up and emerged from the bunker to see Kyon making breakfast on a fire. Curious, he got up and approached Kyon.

"'Morning, Kyon," Taniguchi yawned, rubbing his eyes. He realized that he was listening to Jefferson Airplane's _White Rabbit_. Kyon seemed to have weird taste in music lately.

"Top of the morning, Taniguchi," Kyon greeted, while he poked embers and turned the roasted meat.

"Hey, Kyon what'cha cooking-" he stopped short and his eyes popped open when he saw what was roasting on the fire: a fat snake! "Kyon? What are you cooking?" he asked nervously.

Kyon turned his head and smiled. "Why, snakes, Tani. Better to have fresh food for breakfast than canned rations, especially that Ham and Lima bean shit they ate back in 'Nam."

"But isn't it unsafe to eat that stuff?" Taniguchi blurted worriedly.

"That crap?" Kyon ranted. "Oh please. Only pussies say that 'unsafe' crap. Why don't you take a bite of this like a real man!" He sliced of a piece of the snake and offered it to the playboy. Nervous at first, Taniguchi shook his head in refusal.

"You lame or something, Taniguchi?" Kyon asked, a little annoyed.

He slowly extended a shaky arm and lightly touched the snake meat. Kyon looked angry. Fearful of pissing of Kyon, Taniguchi snatched it and ate it... chewing it slowly and nervously. His eyes let loose a few tears as he ate the meat. Kyon watched impassively as he ate it. Then the playboy gulped and swallowed it.

"First time?" Kyon asked with a low smile.

"Yeah," Taniguchi managed to answer.

"Then the worm has definitely turned for you, man. Taste good?"

"Yeah, it feels good. It tastes better than pork cutlet now," Taniguchi said approvingly, clearly liking the taste.

Satisfied with his show of 'manhood', Kyon thrust a canteen in front of his face. "Put your mouth on this."

Hesitant, Taniguchi slowly took the metal bottle, opened and took a big swig. It tasted... good. It tasted MANLY. "Hey, Kyon!" He asked excitedly, "What is this stuff?"

"That, buddy, is Kentucky Vintage. That stuff is what you need when you're out in the bush hunting Charlie."

"Great, Kyon, but would mind changing the music? It sounds a little druggie."

Kyon mused for a while before he came up an idea. "I just got the the thing!" he announced. He raided his stack of tapes and pulled out one and replaced the one in the radio with it. "Listen to this, man!" He pressed play and it played _What A Wonderful World_ by Louis Armstrong.

It played, "I see trees of green... red roses too/I see them bloom... for me and you/And I think to myself/What a wonderful world-" Kyon cut it off midway and ejected it. Examining for a while, he threw it away with annoyance, hitting a cat, and selected another one, _Baby Please Don't Go_. He played it and they start dancing to its tune.

"Good Morning, Hi_nam_izawa!" Kyon announced and made an impromptu radio broadcast in a rapid voice, "Our time is nineteen minutes, nineteen minutes from six o'clock in the morning. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

"Just now, the Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going"- he said in butch voice-"'Don't go near there!'"- he then said in a girly voice- "'But Betty-'"- Kyon went back to the butch voice- "'Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there!' I know, we can't use the word 'dyke'. You can't even say 'lesbian', it's 'women in comfortable shoes'. Thank you very much." He made slight bow.

"Wow, Kyon, that's amazing!" Taniguchi clapped his hands like a fanboy.

"You think so?" Kyon asked.

"Yeah, the dyke part reminded me of Haruhi and Mikuru."

"Great idea!" Kyon jumped up. He then made another broadcast, "What's Hinamizawa? It sounds like something out of some anime I couldn't mention." He then made a tinny voice like Mikuru, "'Oh no don't go in there!'"- he said in the voice of Ichigo Kurasaki- "'Ohhh wee ohh. Shion Sonozaki.'" -in Mikuru's voice again- "'Oh look you've landed in Hinamizawa. You're among the dumb country people now.'" -then in Itsuki's voice- "'We represent the SOS Brigade, the SOS Brigade. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!'" -then a witch's voice- "'Oh! I'll get you my pretty!'" Kyon scatted in mock alarm, "Oh my God! It's the wicked Bitch of North High! It's Haruhi Suzumiya!"- and concluded in with Haruhi's witch voice- "'Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too! _Ah-hahahahaha!_'"

When that was done, the boys laughed loudly and rolling on the ground. Kyon's rants were just unbelievable. "Which reminds me," Kyon said, fishing out another tape, _Satisfaction_ by the Rolling Stones.

They danced to the beat of the Rolling Stones song. To anyone passing by, they're dancing like a bunch of lunatics. Or so to a Vietnamese family visiting Hinamizawa, who just watched there in surprise with their mouths open.

Meanwhile, at the Ryuugu residence, Arakawa woke up from his sleep in a spare bedroom Rena made for him. He grunted loudly and fell off the bed. He rose shakily to his feet and muttered aloud, "This is even worse than the hangover I got from the Agency's Christmas party. _Ohhhh_..." He then realized something, "Oh no... I've got to get out of here... That redheaded nut's gonna make turned my brains upside-down if I don't get out... Her horrid happy syrup!" He ambled his way out of the room and towards the stairs. He lost his footing and rolled down the steps with a loud thud. That thud woke up Rena and Mikuru.

"What's that?" Mikuru yawned as she rolled over the covers of the bed.

"Who knows..." Rena got up. Both girls are naked except for the blanket covering their bodies. Sorry, boys. Go find something else to watch. "Maybe we should check it out."

Back downstairs, Arakawa was trying to get up, tripping over a chair along the way. It seemed his mind and body have flushed from his forced trip-out. While he struggled to get his limbs moving, the result of the hangover from the happy syrup. As he stumbled and turned around, the girls came along, dressed in bathrobes.

"Hey, Mikuru," Rena chimed happily. "Kenta-kun's awake." Those words and her voice froze Arakawa to the bone. The redheaded lunatic is awake. He slowly turned his head to see them on the stairs. She could see Rena smile brightly- a smile that was a horrid grin to him!

"I think he's looking for breakfast," Mikuru observed.

"Oh! You're right. Kenta-kun's hungry!" Rena became instantly concerned. She rushed to him and picked him up, putting him on a chair. "Don't worry, Kenta-kun, we'll make you a good breakfast."

"Why... Thank you- Miss Rena," Arakawa replied haltingly, trying to be polite and normal as his sanity would allow. He is in such a fucked-up situation, so fucked-up that he can't hold back his desperation any longer. His hands and limbs are shaking a bit. "I... really... appreciate it."

"That's nothing, Kenta-kun. I'm so glad that you entered my life." Rena gave a wink as she made preparations for breakfast.

Her wink did it.

"AAARRGGH! I've got to get out of here!" Arakawa bolted out from his chair but slipped on a rug.

"Oh my, Kenta-kun!" Rena said worriedly. "Mikuru, get him his happy medicine!"

_Happy medicine!_ The butler-agent's mind screamed when he heard that. He turned to Mikuru and warned her, "Please, no! Mikuru, don't do it! Please She's insane! This whole town's insane! We gotta get out of here!"

"'We'..." Mikuru looked angry. "What do you mean 'we'? Ever since I was sent to the SOS Brigade, my life took a downward spiral! I've been molested, dressed up, and humiliated by the bitch you called god! Barely anyone except Kyon treats me with respect. Here with Rena, she loves my for who I am so if you want to be rescued, why don't you put a sock up your ass." Mikuru humphed in rage as she got the happy syrup. At least here, Rena doesn't treat her like a toy the way Haruhi does. But she liked the way she made Arakawa her bitch.

As for Arakawa, he could not believe what he just heard. Mikuru's now with Rena and that didn't mean good to him. As he tried to get to his feet, both Rena and Mikuru pulled him back to the chair. Rena spooned some of her 'happy syrup' and tried to feed it to him.

"Say 'A'," she said to him. Arakawa kept his mouth tight and turned away from the spoon.

"Oh look, a spider!" Mikuru squealed and spanked Arakawa's crotch with a pan.

Arakawa whelped and Rena immediately shoved the spoon down his throat and pulled it out. Then Arakawa;s face turn sour from sipping the hallucinogenic syrup. Then his face turned happy with big eyes. He said like a gay, "Good morning to you, Miss Rena. Good morning to you Miss Mikuru. We're gonna have some fun today!"

"Yay!" Rena cheered. "I'm gonna make breakfast just for us today." Arakawa jumped like a dandy and sat down. As she proceeded to make food, Rena asked Mikuru, "Is there really a spider on his crotch?"

"Oops," Mikuru giggled, "I don't think so. My mistake."

"That's okay. Let's make breakfast today." So the two girls made breakfast while Arakawa is acting like a gay.

Several floors below the broken window lay a moaning, boxer-clad Itsuki, spreadeagled on the ground with his face on the dirt. The birds were chirping sweetly and the bees are going from flower to flower but things are not looking good for the esper, who was covered in glass fragments on his legs, back and ass. Kunikida appeared and said to Itsuki, "Hey, Koizumi. Look's like you woke on the wrong side of the bed."

Itsuki craned his head out of the dirt and croaked, "Help... me..."

"No problem, Itsuki," Kunikida cheerily replied. He picked him up by the leg and proceeded to drag him.

"Wait! Careful! I'm covered in glass-" But he was dragged and screamed due to his front parts having glass in them too.

"Alright!" Haruhi announced. "The briefing is now in session!" Everyone has assembled on their table. There's Tsuruya, looking flushed and weary from not having eaten any smoked cheese in a while- and still traumatized by consuming Rena's stinky cheese cubes. And Yuki, her head resting on the palm of her hand looking lovelorn. She continued to think about Tsukasa ever since last night. Then there's Kunikida, having a pleasant grin. and finally Itsuki, looking constipated from the pain of falling from the window and covered in broken glass. His covered in bruises, bandages and stitches, courtesy of Kunikida's medical help.

"Alright, everyone. We're going back into the village after breakfast. First, I wanna evaluation of yesterday's patrol."

"Like it's really a patrol," Kunikida said sarcastically, obviously trying to fill up for Kyon, whose not present at the moment.

"Shut up!" she retorted, "I don't want that crap!"

"Okay, Haruhi," Kunikida replied.

"Now that everything's settled, let's get to business. First, we know that a the people here worship a homicidal deity who demands blood sacrifices, which we believe is Kira or like Kira. Second, we have an entire American town coming to that village for a goodwill tour. Third, we believe the villagers are covering up its infamous murders with the Sonozaki family as the mastermind. Fourth, there's that British tourist which Mrs. Cotton hired us to find. What's his name again...?"

"Frank Cotton?" Kunikida suggested.

"Yeah! That's right. Frank Cotton-"

"Okay, looks like you wrapped things for us," the propboy instantly interrupted. "Now let's go humping to the village-"

"Shut up! We're not finished yet," Hauhi fumed. "I want something from _you_ about yesterday."

Kunikida gulped. The goddess is now demanding his report. He began with some hesitance, "Eh... Me, Tsuruya and Mikuru... met a man who was about to take a photo of Mikuru when you showed up and shooed us away."

"Okay, that's enough from you," Haruhi said. She turned to Tsuruya. "Tsuruya, how about you?"

"I need my fuckas smoked cheese, nyoro!" Fang-tan wailed desperately.

"Okay... How about you, Itsuki?"

Itsuki remained silent for a while. Then he said, "We'll, yesterday we encountered a Youtube-tripping bird pornographer and a French-sounding nurse with a psychotic laugh. Then we meet those kids and a man who fishes for gayfish and... AND KYON TRIED TO KILL ME AND I WAS NEARLY RAPED BY A DOCTOR!" He began to sob on the table.

Seeing, he could get nothing from him, Haruhi turned to Yuki, "Yuki?"

"I met the most beautiful girl in my life," she replied dreamily, still thinking about Tsukasa.

"Yuki," Haruhi snapped. She's not taking bullshit this time.

Okay, Miss Suzumiya." She made a brief summary of yesterday's events without even making a pause, not that anyone would actually listen to it. And then she said, "Oh. By the way, we lost Mikuru to them when we lost the water gunfight and she's now staying with them."

Haruhi raged from remembering how that ginger Rena took her little moe away. She wanted to destroy her. It's not that hard. But she's got a job at hand that needs doing. "I'm... going... to murder her..."

"Please focus, Miss Suzumiya," Yuki reminded. "What should we do?"

"Oh." Haruhi got back on track. "Okay, we're gonna visit the Anti-SOS Brigade at the Angel Mort."

That earned her odd looks from everyone else.

"What!" Tsuruya snapped. "The Anti-SOS Brigade? Those losers were helping the Games Club yesterday!"

"What? Those guys?" Kunikida retorted. "I'd trust Charlie than those guys."

"Fujiwara is a fudgepacker!" Itsuki shouted.

"Miss Suzumiya," Yuki said, "why did you include them?"

That was something Haruhi prepared for last night. "Last night, they called me and said they wanted to join in, so I obliged. They said they were sorry from yesterday afternoon. See! They admitted defeat! And now they'll be serving us, the great SOS Brigade, to complete our mission of solving those murders and finding Frank Cotton!" She flamboyantly stood up with her hand pointing upward.

"That's exactly what they want you to think, Haruhi," Kunikida warned.

"Whaddya mean?" Hrauhi was puzzled.

"You see, back in 'Nam, the VC would use shoeshine boys with boxes wired to explode. If you shine your shoe on their box, you won't find your fucking legs no more, just like in _First Blood_."

Haruhi was nonplussed by Kunikida. "That... was the most idiotic bullshit I ever heard from you. No wonder why the producers relegate to a background character with few lines."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Kunikida replied.

Haruhi ignored him. "Alright, what else should we do?"

"We're kinda short of manpower," Yuki explained, "and even if we included Anti-SOS Brigade we need more than we have right now."

"Oh, you're right," Haruhi noted. "I suggest we take more people in our modest venture." She turned to see Konata and friends having breakfast at the nearby table. "Hey, you guys. I'm putting together a modest venture. Would like to join?"

"What would that?" the otaku asked.

"Solving a murder, of course." Haruhi grinned proudly.

"Isn't that dangerous?" Miyuki worried noted. "We should leave that to the police."

"Who needs the police when you have the SOS Brigade?"

"Okay, we're in," Konata answered proudly.

"Hey, wait!" Kagami blurted, "You included us? That's crazy! Going into a wild goose chase that could possibly kill us?"

"Calm down, Kagamin~, we should get off the beaten track as they say. What do you want to do during summer? We need to do something interesting and unique, you know."

"Like I'm gonna let you ruin summer by getting us in trouble with those guys," she snapped. While Konata(who's still smiling her catlike grin) and Kagami had a spirited debate over their alternative summer activities, Tsukasa looked away from them to have a look around the wide hotel dining room. It was still empty and and placed look pleasant. Then her eyes stopped to see Yuki staring back at her.

Tsukasa recoiled in fright when she saw the lavender-haired alien staring back at her with lonely eyes. But that's not all, Yuki waved her hand and winked at her. She trembled even more from Yuki's suggestive gestures. It seemed that the alien is starting to like her. She felt scared

"No, we're not going," Kagami insisted.

"Come on, Kagami, didn't you chose liberal arts with everyone else, right?" Konata pointed out.

"Shut up about!"

"You're just saying that because you hate to be lonely, don't you?" Konata went behind Kagami, embraced her and rubbed her head like a puppy. "There, there."

"Shut up already, I'm in!" Kagami finally agreed to going with the SOS Brigade.

Konata turned to Haruhi with a smile, "See that? We're in."

"That's great!" She jumped to her feet in joy.

Kagami slumped to her chair. Tsukasa, after a looking away from Yuki, saw her elder sister looking flushed and tired. She asked her, "What's wrong, big sis?"

"Konata tricked me... _tricked_ us..." She muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"We're in a joint venture with the SOS Brigade," Kagami finally explained.

"Huh?" Apprehensive, she turned back to Yuki, whose now holding a sign that said YUKI X TSUKASA FOREVER AND EVER!

_NO!_ The moe twin screamed mentally. Then her face turned blank as she sank into despair. Now, she's going on an adventure with a bunch of crazies that included a dyke.

"Shouldn't we go check on Kyon?" Itsuki asked.

"Oh, you're right." Haruhi was reminded of the the two boys she sent on murder watch. She picked up her cellhpone from her pocket and dialed Taniguchi's number.

Meanwhile, at the camp, Kyon and Taniguchi were dancing to the tune of _Suzie Q_. They moved and swayed about animatedly, waving their arms and limbs like vultures on crack and singing the lyrics, "Oh Suzie Q/Oh Suzie Q/Oh Suzie Q Baby I love you/Suzie Q/ I like the way you walk/I like the way you talk..."

"Hey, Kyon," Tanigchi suggested, "maybe we could dance this song at the clubroom with Haruhi and the other girls dressed like Playboy bunnies."

"Now that's a thought," Kyon chimed. At the bunker, Taniguchi's rang for a few minutes. Back at the hotel, Haruhi was a little annoyed.

"Come on, pick up, you moron," she muttered to herself.

Taniguchi went into the tent to see who's calling him. "Hello? I'm here, baby! I'm here!"

"It's Brigade leader Haruhi, you big dumbass!" Haruhi snapped.

"Oh, Haruhi?" He was surprised while still shaking his booty, "It's nice to hear you but to bad you're not here at our own little USO show. On the other hand we need some Playboy bunnies like you and Mikuru to heat up this shindig, Whoo, hot damn! Hey, grease my gun, baby!" He laughed loudly.

Haruhi was pissed. From the cellphone, the rest of the Brigade and Konata's gang could hear the music.

"What's going on?" Konata asked.

Covering the cell, Haruhi said angrily,"What are they doing over there? They're gettin' high, that's what. " He then shouted at Taniguchi, "Get me Kyon or I'll KILL YOUR SORRY ASS!"

Taniguchi fell back, his ears ringing like church bells but he feared Haruhi's wrath more so he hurriedly took the cellphone to Kyon. "Kyon, it's Haruhi."

Kyon took the phone and said cheerily, "Hi Haruhi~."

"Kyon, what the hell are you doing? Listen get your asses to the Angel Mort this instant."

"I'm kinda busy now," he replied.

"Just get your ass there or I'll nail you." She hung up. She announced to the others, "Alright, everyone. We're going to the Angel Mort. Let's see some team spirit! Long live the SOS Brigade!"

"Hooray!" Some of them shouted excitedly.

"Sieg Heil!" Kunikida hollered.

"URA!" Yuki roared epically like the Russian soldiers of W_orld at War_. Actually, she sounded like a cat whose tail got run over by a sports car.

"Smoked cheese!" Tsuruya screamed desperately.

Meanwhile, at another table, Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky watched the entire commotion while they're sipping coffee and trading hunting stories."What's up with those kids?" Jimbo asked.

Ned took his mechanical larynx and said, "They're probably raiding a store for Chinpoko Mon cards."

"That kinda reminds me of 'Nam when Charlie tried to overrun our perimeter the way these kids rush to the stores. Thank God for napalm."

"And Lucky Strikes," Ned said in his mechanical 'voice'.

As Itsuki went outside with the others, he thought to himself, _Kyon didn't get much USO. He was pushed away too far or rejected too quickly. His idea of a great R&R is Mikuru without Haruhi. He had two ways to her: death or victory_.

**Never be racist~(Never say never)**...

At a hospital Genma was resting in bed covered with bandages and plaster. His limbs were hung up like strings of ham and his body was connected to dextrose and hundreds of electrodes that trailed towards myriads of sensors. He groaned to himself, "Oh my... I should never be drunk again... I never knew this would happen..." He grunted some more in pain.

Ranma at his side, said, "You know, dad. Getting drunk in a hot spring. Stumbling into a barrel of ice cold water used to hold beers and going around the countryside as a panda and getting your ass kicked by some lame-ass was never a good idea."

"Yeah... At least you had fun with everyone else... ohhh!" He replied.

Then Ranma was splashed with ice cold water from Happosai. He shuddered from the chill and he turned into a girl."What the hell?" He?(She?) shrieked in a high-pitched voice.

Happosai then put on a doctor's coat and said to her(him), "Miss Ranma, can I give you a checkup?" His eyes enlarged to that of a puppy's.

"Hell no!" He(she) kicked him in the face and out of the room. The Anti-SOS Brigade, who just were released, saw him fly across the hall and landed in a trash can.

"They should keep perverts out of the hospitals," Sasaki noted.

"Indeed," Kyouko agreed.

"Except the doctors," Fujiwara observed sneeringly.

Koyou Suou droned to herself, "Doctor-and-nurse-were... really-good-to-me... last-night."

"That's 'cause you're dumb screw-up from outer space," Fujiwara laughed loudly.

At another wing of the hospital, its wards were filled with many of the cast of School Rumble. They all ended up there due to some bad food from a discount sushi bar which caused stomach aches and explosive diarrhea. Most of the people are now moaning in bed. And in one particular room lay Tenma Tsukamoto with her younger sister Yakumo and Kenji Harima at her side.

"Oww... it hurts..." She moaned from the pain on her stomach.

"There, there, sis," comforted Yakumo, "we're here for you."

Meanwhile, Harima was brooding at the corner sit, obviously feeling angry with himself. _I was such a fool_, he thought to himself, _to recommend that awful place to you. I could have killed you with that, along with everyone. I don't deserve to have you_. He began to sob uncontrollably. The two siblings noticed and gave him odd looks. His crying caught the ear of Fujiwara. He peered into the room.

Lo and behold! He saw a Hispanic, possible Mexican, sobbing at the corner of the room. Although most people never knew it, Fujiwara, in addition to being a smug snake and murderous time extremist, is a racist asshole. It's something that runs in the family. To him, Harima looks very much like a Mexican. He then slipped in and took a seat near Harima, placing a friendly arm around his shoulders.

"_Que pasa_, _ese_, what's wrong?"

"It's," the ex-delinquent sniffed, "it's Tenma. It was my fault to have brought her and rest of our friends to that sushi bar. And now she's in pain because of me." He sobbed loudly.

"There, there, _ese_," he sneered with satisfaction, "I'm sure you can pay for your hospital bills by taking part-time jobs."

"Thanks, but no thanks. You're good man but I can't take your offer. Sorry."

"But I'm serious," he said in a fake Mexican accent. "There's a Home Depot next to the hospital. You can find work with a contractor there. It'll pay good money."

"No thanks, and by the way, I'm not Hispanic," Harima replied.

But Fujiwara pressed on, "But holmes, how are you gonna pay for your _senorita_'s hospitalization if you go on a _siesta_, huh? Maybe we could drink some _tequila_ first. Maybe you stop being a _pocho_ and embrace your heritage."

Those jokes are starting to irritate him. He replied, politely, masking the mounting irritation in his voice, "Okay, that's enough. Please leave."

"Come on, _ese_, don't be a _pendejo_. You can work as a gardiner for a rich _cabrón_ and his hot wife-"

"Get out!" Harima growled angrily. He then tried to grab him with his arms but missed as Fujiwara effortlessly dodged him.

"_Órale_, you're not so fast yourself, _amigo_," Fujiwara taunted. Harima pounced on him again but this time landed on Yakumo. She shrieked slightly.

"Sorry, Yakumo, I didn't mean to-" he hurriedly apologized as he got off her.

"Wow, man! You scored some bigtime with that _mamacita_, _vato_," the timeboy hooted. "Look's like you can tell the other homies from the _barrio_ about how _macho_ you are." Yakumo was in verge of tears. That angered Harima up. No one makes fun of his precious Tenma's younger sister and gets away with it. Fujiwara moved away while Harima grabbed a chair and tried to bat him with it. He laughed insanely, "Hey, don't go _loco_ trying to beat me up like a _pinata_. You're like the _La Migra_."

Already he was getting sick and tired of Fujiwara taunting him with his racist jokes. But Harima was simply not fast enough to grab him. At least until Fujiwara took out a big jukebox that played mariachi music with him dancing around to the beat of the music. He cried, "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Hepa¡ ¡Hepa! ¡Hepa! Yeehaw!" Harima is even more pissed than before. But Fujiwara's luck ran out. While he danced, he took out his cellphone and called the INS, "Hello? INS? I'm here to report a _mojado_ with big _cojones_ who seem to lost his way to the bor-" As he was distracted, Harima grabbed him by the neck in a chokehold. He grabbed the cellphone and crushed it.

"My turn now," Harima said menacingly. He punched Fujiwara on the face, kicked him on the balls and slammed him against the jukebox, shutting it down for good. You can see his feet sticking out of the wrecked, smoking automated music-player. With a grunt of effort, he dumped the jukebox out the window from the twelth floor...

... to the hospital's concrete parking lot.

_CRASH!_

The jukebox cracked like an egg and Fujiwara was lying, every bone in his body ached and he was completely disoriented. He looked around and slurred, "Ow... that hurts..." Then he looked around to see Lala Gonzalez standing in front of him. Since she's a schoolmate of Harima and the Tsukamoto sisters and is from Mexico, she's pissed about Fujiwara's racist remarks when she heard the commotion from the next room.

"What's your problem with Mexican people, asshole?" she asked threateningly. "And why did you harass Tenma and the others?"

Fujiwara's eyes went wide open to see a female version of Harima standing in front of him. Worse still, she might a butch. In panic, he struggled to crawl away from her but she grabbed him by the collar like the worm he is. "Oh God, no," he whelped.

"I'm asking you a question?" she raised her voice, "what's your problem with Hispanics and why did you harass my friends?"

He chuckled nervously to the unsmiling Lala and sweated like a pig. He then offered a weak answer, "Uh, harassment?... I'm trying to work on my skills as a stand-up comedian. You know, the Late Show and Conan O' Brien, stuff like that?"

Wrong answer and Lala didn't care. Then for three exciting minutes, Lala practiced some hardcore _lucha libre_ on his ass. She wiped her hands and left poor, mangled Fujiwara on the dust. He groaned and his body creaked like rotted floorboards. As he tried to get up, his ordeal wasn't over. The next person to come along was George Lopez, who beat him up some more with a baseball bat. He was followed by Benicio del Toro, Joaquin Phoenix, Andy Garcia, Antonio Banderas, Rey Mysterio, Emilio Estevez, Alberto Gonzalez, Danny Trejo, Pitball and more Mexican- and other Hispanic-Americans lining up to beat him for his racism. And don't forget Pvt. James Ramirez of Hunter-Two Actual, because Sgt. Foley ordered him to beat up Fujiwara.

**The Angel Mort...**

The Angel Mort is an establsihment were everyone eats. The restaurant specializes in baked goods and desserts and has some considerable clientele, half of which actually eat here during various times of the day, week, month and year and some who are really interested in the waitresses in the rather revealing uniforms. Unfortunately, none of the males in the newly-expanded SOS Brigade(which included their enemies and the Lucky Star girls) are interested in Male Gaze right now - except Taniguchi. Haruhi is setting today's activities. They're all seated at the bar of restaurant so Haruhi can see were they were rather have them seated in any of the tables. In any case, she doesn't like tables anyway. If anyone is at the restaurant right now, they might notice Fujiwara covered in bandages, his price for his blatantly racist humor.

"Alright," she announced, "for those who are not familiar with program, I'll orient you."

"Just like the Phoenix Program?" Kunikida asked. "Oh boy!"

"Please pipe down, Kuni or I'll get Yuki to get me my rusty chainsaw," Hauhi said simply.

"Nyoron~."

Satisfied that Kunikida has finally shut up, she went on, "Okay, as I was saying, for those who are not familiar with program, I'll orient you on what the Brigade's mission. We know already the assholes known as the Anti-SOS Brigade."

"Hey!" Sasaki fumed, "don't call us that. We've agreed to join you."

"Yeah, but I'm the leader and you're just tools," Haruhi scolded her. "Besides, you never get anything done the way we do it."

"Hmmphh," Sasaki pouted.

"That's right," Haruhi said smugly. "Okay, them we know off, let's asked our newest members of the Brigade."

"They're not even inductees, Haruhi," Kyon deadpanned, "and they're just here for whatever action you offered, not to pledge their lives to the Brigade."

"Don't try to ruin the mood, Kyon," Konata chimed happily. "You don't a lot of adventure everyday in your life you know." Her smile made the cyics blood boil.

_Damn you, otakus_, his mind sizzled.

"Okay, let's start with with the introduction of you guys," Haruhi finally said. "Okay, what's your name?"

"I'm Konata Izumi," Konata said proudly, "and I'm from..." While Konata Izumi made her proud interview, Kyon saw a fat old man sitting in a table smoking a cigarette, a blatant violation of the rules in the Angel Mort, with empty dinnerware. Somehow, it triggered something in Kyon. Flashback time!

The distorted electronic voice demanded, "Let's start at the beginning. Cuba, 1961. The Bay of Pigs. We know you were there."

"No-"

"Do not FUCK with me, Mason! I know when you're lying! '61. Bay of Pigs. What happened?" It growled again.

He laughed dryly, "We all got killed."

"There's no use lying, Mason," it warned.

There was a pause. Then Mason replied, "Castro... We went in to kill Castro."

_Bay of Pigs, '61..._

"The police are gonna be here soon... Let's make this quick," Woods said.

A lighter flicked and cigar was lit. And we are treated with a vintage bar in sunny Cuba during the sixties. We're treated to the sight of Mason and friends, Woods; Bowman; and Kinkaid with bartender Carlos, having drinks and listening to Celia Cruz's _Quimbara_. And their planning a scheme that will change history.

"Woods. It's been a while," Carlos greeted.

"Not enough Carlos," Woods replied, "you know Ice Cubb, uh, I mean Bowman, right?"

"Carlos," Bowman greeted like they were old friends.

"This is Mason," Woods pointed to Carlos.

Mason chimed in, "What's up, Carlos."

"Carlos, meet Kinkaid," Woods introduced him to Kinkaid, who smiled like an idiot. And to Carlos, he looked like a pornstar of a certain future boy celebrity with crappy music.

Carlos was nonplussed, "We're they hell did you get this _pendejo_? From the happy farm?" Nobody among the rest of know where Kinkaid come from or what he does before going to the CIA.

"Don't mind him," Woods suggested. Then they get business. "So you got what we need?"

Carlos pulled a map. Kinkaid interjected, "Hey! Is that a treasure map?"

The four other men retorted to him in unison, "Shut up, moron!" That quieted him down.

They went on with their planning. Carlos said, "He will be in here... Plantation..." He added sadly, "My old plantation. Our attack on the airfield should distract them enough to, get you inside." Carlos use to have one of the biggest sugar plantations in Cuba but thanks to Castro and socialism, he was given a cheap bar to live off and nothing else. Dang communism.

"What about the evac?" Woods asked.

"We will have transport waiting for you. Just be there."

Woods pocketed the map, "Excellent."

Then there some har knocks on the door. "Knock, knock!" growled a Cuban soldier outside.

"Who's there?" Kunikida sang. That earned him a hard right hook from Woods.

"What kind of a man would recommend this idiot?" Bowman noted. At Langley, Major Zero sent Kinkaid to them so the operation wouldn't succeed so he can send Naked Snake to a better mission.

Woods turned to Mason, "We got company." The door crashed with one kick and a bunch of Cuban soldiers came in demanding papers from everyone inside and acting like a bunch of bullies. One of them turned to Mason. He asked him where his from. No reply.

"I said where are you from, holmes?" He asked again, a little annoyed.

Mason cautioned, "Just be cool, Woods. Wait."

The soldier got closer to him. "I'm talking to you!" He to grab Mason but Woods grabbed him first and stabbed him with a bread knife.

The soldier screamed like a little girl, "AHHHH! It hurts! Why did you stab me with a bread knife! You're suppose to stab me with a-!" But Woods shut him up by bashing a beer bottle to his head. He then shot one baddie on the head. Mason pulled out the gun to shoot the other one but he aimed a banana at him.

"Oops," Mason said dumfounded. The soldier grinned and tried to shoot but his gun won't fire. Puzzled, the soldier tried to get it to work. Mason siezed the chance to take out his gun but realized he didn't had it. He got off his seat to look for on the floor.

"Stupid gun!" the soldier cursed. "Why can't you fire?" It would have easy for everyone in the room to just kill him with anything but no one did, not even Mason, who was still looking for his pistol, or Woods, Bowman and Carlos, who just stood there and watched. The soldier checked his magazine and it was empty so he reloaded. "Aha!" He cried triumphantly and pulled the trigger but no fire. "Shit!" He forgot to turn of the safety. He did and tried to fire. None. He realized he forgot to lock the gun. He locked it and fired. Nothing. Pissed, he shouted, "What the hell!" He didn't notice Mason was all around his feet looking for his gun while he tried to repeat everything he had done right. Then the soldier checked his magazine, which had a dent so it can't feed. He threw it away with distaste and reached for another one. Meanwhile, Mason found his pistol- sat upon by Kinkaid. The soldier, smile on his fired his gun. Nothing yet again. He checked it and realized it was a misfeed jam. He cursed and locked the gun again. By time he got it right Mason pointed his gun at him. The soldier dropped the gun and chuckled nervously, "Can't we all just get along?"

_BANG!_

And his dead. but then there were police sirens to sounded like _KYOOON! KYOOON! KYOOON!_

_Flashback abruptly cut off..._

"Hey, Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, "Wake up!" Kyon was now back to the real world.

"Wha... What?" he mumbled dumbly.

"Kyon, no one sleeps in a Brigade meeting till I say so," Haruhi blurted.

"But I wasn't sleeping," he protested, "I was having a random flashback induced by a seemingly insignificant action."

Haruhi rolled her eyes in annoyance, "Oh please, you're having fantasies of Miyuki for all we know."

"Miyuku?"

"My new moe, Miyuki Takara," Haruhi said, pointing to the pinkette meganekko.

"Who said I was anyone's moe?" Miyuki asked sweetly with a smile. Although Miyuki was polite like Mikuru, her polite manner of saying those words chilled Haruhi to the bone. She almost trembled.

"On... second thought," she changed the subjet, "let's solve those murders and save Mikuru!" While she berated Kyon as an example to everyone, Taniguchi ordered an ice cream sundae from a sexy waitress.

"Here you go, sir," she said sweetly, "enjoy you're meal sir."

"Thank you, Miss Sunday," he said with a smoky voice, "I hope to enjoy you as my next smile." The waitress chuckled, hiding the fact that she's creeped out by Taniguchi's innuendo and backed away slowly. Then Taniguchi proceeded to spoon some of the sundae to his mouth, one the felt like to him was the soft tender kiss of a woman. And...

"It tastes like DIABATES!" He screamed madly. Not to mention some tooth decay and a dash of brainfreeze.

A/N: Sorry for the hiatus. This is one chapter I should have been working before. I was inspired by **_South Park_** and _**Godfather**_ in the second segment. Special thanks to superstarultra for giving me some words to use in my Fujiwara hospital segment. There's the bunker scene reference from **_Platoon_** in the first Kyon-Taniguchi part. The _Suzie Q_ part is a reference to the **_Apocalypse Now_** USO scene, which featured Playboy bunnies. Kyon's fake radio broadcast came from_** Good Morning, Vietnam**_, which also referenced from the chapter title. You can found the said lines from the Movie Sounds Page website. And also special thanks to Call of Duty wiki for **_Black Ops_**. And by now, you know where the drunk panda from Chapter Nine came from.


	12. Cheese Horror

A/N: Hello, you guys. I've been out of action for three months and I finally got my internet back, I didn't do my qouta of three updates/stories a month so I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm essentially making a filler right now. This one concerns about Tsuruya and the culture fest. These filler is based on Monty Python and two scenes from_ Borat_ (one deleted). Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. URA!

Now enjoy and read my shameless yarn.

**(Lacto)Culture Shock**

As Tsuruya marched out of the Angel Morth with the others, she felt flushed from not having to get her cheese dosage. That, in turn, reminded her of a horrible flashback she had back in last year's culture fest...

_Last year's Culture Fest..._

It's the culture fest in North High and everyone is celebrating it - and making a little money in the best tradition of capitalism. Everywhere you go, every room in the school is turned into a shop or something and every wing of the school is a now commercial district. They offer everything from goods to services - at rip-off prices intended to put most upper middle-class people in the Third World to poverty(a man from Malaysia shouted, 'Revolution! Down with capitalism-!' The brick from the author has put him to sleep.)

After browsing through the book stands, Tsuruya was happily walking around as she passed by some maid cafes, some Takoyaki stands and other establishments. Looking at the maid cafes brought a smile to her face. She thought how Mikuru, right now, is horribly costume-raped by Haruhi and friends. Although they were both friends, Tsuruya always enjoyed hearing her scream and beg for Haruhi to stop. It was like an audio fest for her ears. Some friend indeed. Perhaps she should see Mikuru now.

As she loitered around, the hall was crowded with students who were crowding around the hall going into the various classrooms for the culture fest, her stomach growled really loudly. Normally, that would have scared everyone around her but when Tsuruya's nearby, they just shrugged it off as a normal occurence. It was also something normal for Tsuruya: Time for a snack!

So she toured the halls to see what they would have offered. There was a French-style maid cafe, a Turkish schwarma place, Chinese food...

She took a passing look at a shop set up by Taniguchi, _SLEAZE R' US_, which offers everything porn-related from magazines, to DVDs, to posters; hentai or live-action; yuri and yaoi; doujins, whips, ball gags, and all the great and amazing stuff in between. On the large window is carboard cutout advertisement of two very distinguished Canadians, pop idol Justin Beiber and adult movie star Peter North, dressed in rather skimpy bathing briefs and smiling. The movie they were together is _Vancouver Holiday: Backdoor Bromance_. How the playboy got to set up such a shop that peddles explicit media and items is a mystery except for those in it and here's how. Taniguchi bribed the principal, the faculty and Parents-Teachers Association, and the Student Council President agreed to allow him to set up his place of immoral purveyance in exchanged for 20 percent of the profit. In any case, it's now the hottest bestseller in the school, noted by the large crowd of boys and yaoi fangirls. It also offers discount Rei Ayanami cyborg lovedolls.

AHA!

She found it! Next to Taniguchi's porn shop is what she was looking for! She looked to see a very Edwardian-lookig shop sign that said, '_North High Cheese Emporium_'.  
Below is _Ryoko Asakura, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Cheese-Lover and the Lactose-Intolerant Too_.' Further below is another sign: '_Licensed For Public Dancing._'

She entered the shop and took a look around. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. She saw the ENOZ girls at corner dancing around to some Greek music while Mai Zaizen played with the bazouki. They all wore handsome costumes for male performers. Tsuruya just gave them a curious look before going to counter. She rang the the bell.

"Good Morning." Tsuruya greeted. When she looked at who was managing the shop, she was happily astounded to see it was Ryoko Asakura.

"Good morning, Tsuruya. Welcome to the North High Cheese Emporium!"

"Wow, Ryoko, I didn't expect you to put on shop during the culture fest."

She gave a closed-eyed smile. "I decided to give it try so a I put up a cheese shop."

"Ah, thank you, my good girl."

Asakura happily asked, eager to help, "What can I do for you, Miss Tsuruya?"

The fanged girl explained, "Well, I was, uh, sitting in the library on the West Wing just now, skimming through Harry Potter by JK Rowling, and I suddenly came over all peckish."

"Peckish, Tsuruya?" The interface was puzzled.

"Esuriant."

"Eh?" Asakura couldn't understand what the hell does that mean.

"Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!" Tsuruya explained in some gibberish no one knows.

Understanding old dialects from the British Isles, Achakura replied in a stunned cheer, "Ah, hungry!"

Tsuruya smiled as soon as the interface finally got it. "In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick,' so, I curtailed my Rowling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!"

"Come again?" The bluenette didn't got it.

Tsuruya squealed, "I want to buy some _cheese_."

Asakura was taken aback. "Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!" she apologized. She pointed to the ENOZ girls, who seem to be in their own world as they danced.

"Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!"

"Sorry?"

"'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!"

"So they can go on playing, can he?"

"Most certainly!" Tsuruya agreed.

Itsuki Koizumi with a broad Northern accent said, "Anyway."

Jumping to her feet, Ryoko cried, "Who said that?"

Seeming to ignore the thing scaring Asakura, the green-hiared said, "Now then, some cheese please, my good girl."

Back to herself in an istant, Asakura chimed lustily, "Certainly, Miss Tsuruya. What would you like?"

Tsuruya mentioned her selection, "Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester."

Asakura replied matter-of-factly,"I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, Tsuruya."

Not one to dwell on one choice alone, Tsuruya asked for another, "Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?"

"I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Tsuruya, we get it fresh on Monday."

"Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please."

"Ah! It's beeeen on order, Tsuruya, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning."

"'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?"

"Sorry, Miss Tsuruya."

"Red Windsor?"

"Normally, Miss Tsuruya, yes. Today the van broke down." That earned Askaura an odd look from her costumer

Tsuruya decided to press on. "Ah. Stilton?"

"Sorry."

"Ementhal? Gruyere?"

"No."

"Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance."

"No."

"Lipta?"

"No."

"Lancashire?"

"No."

"White Stilton?"

"No."

"Danish Brew?"

"No."

Double Goucester?

Achakura paused for a moment to think if she had any. Then she replied, "No."

"Cheshire?"

"No."

It seems rather frustrating already...

"Dorset Bluveny?"

"No."

"Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?" She eagerly wanted to know if she has any French cheeses.

"No."

Tsuruya suggested, "Camenbert, perhaps?"

"Ah!" the bluenette chimed, "We have Camenbert."

"You do! Excellent." LOL-fanged tan sounnded surprised. Finally this shop had cheese after all.

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya." She blushed. "It's..ah,...it's a bit runny..."

"Oh, I like it runny."

"Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir." Her blushing got redder.

"No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!" She made a kiss in the like she about taste. She she thought it was soon.

"I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, Miss Tsuruya."

"I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed."

She reluctantly bent over to see if she has any. All she saw was Shamisen, with a big belly, lying lazily on his back. She then appeared again. "Oooooooooohhh...!"

Tsuruya raised an eyebrow in suspiscion, "What now?"

Asakura explained with embarrasment, "The cat's eaten it."

That earned a stunned pause from the green-haired girl. "Has she." she finally said.

"He, Tsuruya," Asakura corrected. Shamisen burped loudly.

"Oh." She paused in reply, "Gouda?"

"No."

"Edam?"

"No."

"Case Ness?"

"No."

"Smoked Austrian?"

"No."

"Japanese Sage Darby?"

"No, Miss Tsuruya."

"You...do _have_ some cheese, don't you?"

"Of course, Miss Tsuruya," Asakura answered brightly. "It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-"

"No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess."

Fair enough."

"Uuuuuh, Wensleydale."

"Yes?"

"Ah, well, I'll have some of that!"

"Oh! I thought you were talking to me, Miss Tsuruya. Wensleydale, that's my middle name." Tsuruya looked up to see the sign above her shop. True enough she her full name: Ryoko Wensleydale Asakura. Since when did she had a middle name?

LOL FAn-tan paused for while to think of a cheese her brain has registered. She finally asked. "Greek Feta, nyoro?"

"Uh, not as such."

"Uuh, Gorgonzola?"

"No."

"Parmesan"

"No."

"Mozarella, nyoro."

"No."

"Paper Cramer,"

"No."

"Danish Bimbo,"

"No."

"Czech sheep's milk?"

"No."

She then suggested about a cheese she heard on the internet, "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?"

"Not _today_, Miss Tsuruya, no."

She paused for while, then it hit her. "Aah, how about Cheddar?

"Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir."

"Not much ca-," Tsuruya choked in shock, "it's the single most popular cheese in the world!"

"Not 'round here, Miss Tsuruya," she informed plainly.

She asked slowly, masking her mounting fury, "... And what IS the most popular cheese 'round nyah?"

"'Illchester, Miss Tsuruya."

Her hopes going up, she asked excitedly, desperate for cheese, "IS it."

"Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, my lady."

"Is it, nyoro." She said.

She bulrted happily "It's our number one best seller, Miss Tsuruya!"

"I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?"

"Right, Miss Tsuruya."

"All right. Okay. Have you got any' she asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

"I'll have a look, Miss Tsuruya." She bent down to see if there's any. Then went back up "...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno."

Tsuruya then asked in disbelief, "It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?"

"Finest in the school!" Asakura chimed proudly.

She asked suspicously, "Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please."

"Well, it's so clean, Miss Tsuruya!"

"It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese..." the fanged girl noted sourly.

Achakura then offered suggestion brightly, "You haven't asked me about Limburger, Miss Tsuruya."

The greenette asked cautiously"Would it be worth it?"

"Could be..." she relied cryptically.

"Have you -" Already pissed by the music and dancing, she growled angrily at ENOZ, "YOU DYKES SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!" They were all startled into silence.

"Told you so, Tsuruya..." she reminded her a while ago about the music.

Mai Zaizen said to others, "Come on, guys. There's a Greek restaurant set at Mikuru's class. I heard they need good Greek dancers and players." They silently left one by one, leaving the shop to the bluenette and fanged girl.

Tsuruya, controlling her mounting anger, said slowly and politely,"Have you got any Limburger?"

"No." The bluenette replied with a smile on her face.

"Oh, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:"

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya?"

"Have you in fact got any cheese here at all."

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya."

"Really?" she chimed, he hopes going up.

There was some silence before they continued haggling._  
_

"No. Not really, Miss Tsuruya." she replied sadly.

She was about to snap but kept her voice calm, feigning surprise, "You haven't."

"No, Miss Tsuruya. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, Miss Tsuruya." She gave a toothy smile made that LOL fangtan red with anger.

"Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you."

"Right-Oh, Tsuruya."

Tsuruya took out a gun and shot Achakura in the head. There was a yelp and a thud on the floor. She then deadpanned in polite British English, "What a _senseless_ waste of human life." She put on a Stetson and was about to leave when Haruhi and Yuki showed up.

"Hiya, Tsuruya," Haruhi greeted happily.

"Hi, Haruhi," Tsuruya said grumpily as she stomped by them.

"Why the long face, Tsuruya?" Haruhi asked cheerily asked, but with some concern on her face.

"This place had got no cheese," she fumed. She then turned around and faced Haruhi. "If you're looking for Asakura, I just shot her and she's lying over there." She pointed to the counter.

Haruhi took a look at the counter and got mildly surprised. "Oh, you're right. She's dead," The tsundere said like it was just a nasty kitchen stain. She turned back to Tsuruya. "Speaking of cheese, I was just here to give you some."

Instantly forgetting her rage like a kid, she look chimed brightly, "Really?"

Haruhi nodded. "Yup."

"Thank God, Haruhi," she chimed brightly, "you're a lifesaver."

"Here you go, Tsuruya." Haruhi hand over to her a bento box.

She greedily swiped the box and ripped open the lid, sending it flying. It ricochet off the wall behind her and hit Shamisen, causing him to scream. She gazed hungrily at the contents: creamy white wedges of dairy softness. Her mouthed watered like a waterfall.

Haruhi asked cheerily, "What do you think, Tsuruya? You like it?"

Tsuruya just mashed her face into the box, growling as she ate the cheese wedges, sending bits and pieces of cheese - and bento box - flying around. Once she's finished eating the cheese, she turned to Haruhi shouted in joy, "This is the best cheese I've ever eatened! Thanks, Haruhi!"

"That's great," Tsuruya hollered.

"It's made from Mikuru, just for _you_," Haruhi added with a closed eye smile.

She grinned happily when she heard her best friend made it, but that grin disappeared when she reexamined Haruhi's words. _It's made from... Mikuru?_ (You get the idea) To her horror, she realized where it came from. She immediately took a nearby trashcan and violently vomitted to it. She threw up three months worth of dairy products into it.

As if to underscore the meaning, she added, "It's made from her boobies."

"OH MY GOD! MY MIND IS BURNING! MY TONGUE IS SCREWED!" She screamed as she ran out of the shop, frightening passer-by.

Haruhi was befuddled by Tsuruya's reaction. She said to herself, "Man, I thought Mikuru cheese would cheer her up."

**Why Asakura got no cheese...**

In preparation for the culture fest, interface Ryoko Asakura went to supermart to get some cheese for a proposed cheese shop Yuki suggested to her. Being on artificial alien, she had no idea about what food is. She just thought she can get help from humans working there. As Achakura was shopping in the supermart, she went to the dairy section. She turned to a nearby store attendant. "Excuse me," she asked. "Where can I find some cheese?"

"You're in the right spot," said the store guy, "the cheese is right here. Follow me." They both went to an aisle lined with different brands of cheese.

After looking at the aisle for a few good seconds, she realized that there's so much cheese to chose from and she can't which one is the right one for tomorrow. She asked him, "And what is this?" She pointed to a piece of Ricotta.

"That's cheese," the store guy answered.

"And what of this?" She pointed to a Castelrosso

"That's cheese..."

"And this?" Gorgonzola

"That's cheese..."

"And what is this? Rice?"

"No that's cheese, this is all cheese here." He spread his arms emphatically to show her the cheese display.

"But this say "Crackers", this not cheese." She panted to a rand of cheese, Alabama Cracker.

"No, Crackers is the brand, that's cheese..."

"Oh," she said dumbly. "What is that?" Mascarpone.

"That's cheese..." The store guy realized it's gonna be a long day.

A/N: There you have it, fellas. It's based on the Monty Python Cheese Sketch as well from the two _Borat_ scenes. The scene where Asakura went to a cheese aisle was based on the deleted store scene from the movie. The one where Haruhi gives cheese to Tsuruya at the end was based on the scene where Borat offered a politician some cheese. That scene, in its entirety, however... was included in the final production.

_Postscript..._

Taniguchi was running around in his house screaming as his cyborg Rei love-doll chased him around with a knife.

"They said they were cute and helpless!" he screamed as he avoided a slash from the psychotic cyborg moe-thing from _Evangelion_. On the TV, a news report about the violece that erupted with berserk Rei dolls went on.

Who said they were cute and helpless? The manufacturers, Kuyou Souh Clones Ltd., of course but they didn't reckon with one thing...

While everyone was setting up for the festival that morning, Yuki Nagato passed by some shipping crates in front of Taniguchi's shop. She noticed a broken crate with a Rei Ayanami-looking mannequin incased in a plastic box. She looked at the label.

_CYBORG MOE LOVE-DOLL: REI AYANAMI_

She took a closer look and noticed that Rei looked like her. And got pissed!

_Taniguchi's fucking with me_, she thought angrily. She remembered back in Valentine's Day, Taniguchi tried to wooed every girl in school minus Haruhi, Yuki, Tsuruya and Mikuru. When Taniguchi was turning empty-handed each time, Yuki bluntly said to him that he was a sex addict that no self-respecting girl would turn to for romantic comfort and added, "Quite thinking you're player, cracker."

Taniguchi suddenly felt short between his legs. And every other girl that was around laughed at him. He ran home crying like a baby. But before he left the school gates, he shouted, "Screw you, Yuki!" That earned him a conk on the head by Ryoko.

Yuki's eyes went red-hot. He was selling these Rei dolls as if to say "Fuck you, Yuki! I'm screwing with you!"

"Too can play that game, little bitch," she muttered to herself as her she raised her pointy finger which morphed into a needle. Then she injected the Rei doll and dozens more of it with a Nanobot virus that causes them to berserk with a time-delay.

After that she casually left.

Now she's on the comfort of her apartment, sipping tea and watching the news when her cell phone beeped. She picked it up and said, "Hello..."

"Yuki!" Taniguchi shouted over the other line. "Make them stop!"

"I'm sorry, Taniguchi," she replied tonelessly, "I have no interest in saving your life."

"But Yuki, save me-"

"No," she simply replied and turned the phone off.

Meanwhile, back at Taniguchi's house, things are getting messed up. The Rei doll was about to hack him to bits as he huddled in a corner, scared at as he was about to chopped into sushi.

Then something happened...

There was Justin Beiber music playing loudly. That get the Rei doll's attention. She around and attacked a MP3 player. Then something broke the window and it whistled into the Rei doll's head. It exploded into bits of wire, plastic and whatever is inside a cyborg's head. Taniguchi popped out of his hiding place and turned to the broken window.

At the window, Captain Price, prone with sniper rifle, said on the radio, "Tango down, you're cleared to capture Playboy."

"Roger that, we'll take it from here."

Some SWAT broke down his and moved to his room. Taniguchi cried in juibilation, "Hey guys! You're here! Thanks for saving my life-!" Suddenly they all dogpiled on him, breaking his bones and putting multipile hand-cuffs on him.

"Taniguchi, you're under arrest for selling malfunctioning, left-threatening pleasure units," said the SWAT team leader.

"Wait!" He pleaded as he was dragged, wearing only his briefs. "It wasn't my fault. It was the manufacturers. I didn't do this, I swear!" He kept on pleading and crying as they dragged his ass to the paddy wagon.


	13. Investigative Work

**Investigative Work**

**Sorry for the hiatus guys. I've been busy once again with other projects, together with writer's block, technical difficulties and more of the same. Well, anyway, here's Chapter 13 of Kyon! Do Everything!**

**Wake up, little Stan...**

Stan woke wearily from his bed. It was already eight in the morning when he woke up. His mother called out him, "Oh Stan, it's time to wake up. It's not good to sleep all day."

"But mom, I don't wanna wake up," Stan slurred, "me and Cartman when to the village to play a Vietnam role-playing game better than Warcraft."

"What?" she almost squealed. Then she reprimanded, "Stan, are you and your friends getting into trouble again?"

Alarmed, Stan instantly replied in haste, "No, mom! Me and my buddies where going fly fishing there."

"Oh... be sure to wake up and get breakfast." She left the room, leaving Stan up and wide awake, already scared.

"God," he muttered, "I hope that guy never shows up." He was still traumatized from their encounter with Slenderman.

**March into adventure...**

The SOS Brigade, heavily reinforced, marched to the village. It was a bright sunny morning and the birds and cicadas chirped happily. If there was anything that you'll expect from most of them, they were eager to have some adventure as happily as a bunch of crackheads marching to a seaside cliff.

"Wow, this is so much fun," Tsukasa chimed.

"Yeah..." Kagami said in a monotone, not so happy about their summer trip thanks to Konata.

"Why the long face, Kagami?" Konata chirped cheerily, breezing alongside the tsundere.

"What's a summer vacation to us if you drag us with a group of nitwits called the SOS Brigade?" she snarked back at the otaku.

"Please, Kagami, learn how to count your blessings."

Kagami snapped back at Konata a flaming mouth, "That's one blessing I'll never count!"

Tsukasa looked worriedly at them since at times it looked like her older twin wants to tear the otaku apart - the uniform that is - molest the hell out of her. She looked around and saw...

Yuki Nagato right next to her!

"Bonjour, ma cherie," Yuki greeted in eloquent French with a sunny smile. To most people it would have been sweet, coupled with her flawless command of the language. But to Tsukasa, she was totally terrified.

Tsukasa almost let out shriek and nearly ran into her sister. She clung to her elder twin's arms in terror. "Onee-chan, please save me," she pleaded cutely.

Kagami turned to her sister and cutely comforted her, "There, there, Tsukasa, onee-chan's here." And gave Yuki a hard gaze. "What the hell did you do to my sister?"

Yuki knows when to be express herself and when to be discreet. She decided it was time to be discreet. "I apologize for disturbing you."

"You better because I'll kill you," our lilac-haired tsundere threatened.

So Yuki discreetly backed away. She was now alongside with Kyon. He asked, "Did you just try to be French with that girl?"

"Yes, and she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I would love to meet her at the seaside," Yuki answered with much melancholy.

"Man, Yuki, why France of all places?" Kyon shook his head in disappointment. He then decided to cheer her up. "Hey Yuki, why are there trees along the Champs-Elysees?"

Perplexed, Yuki replied she had no idea. So Kyon answered that question, "Because Germans like marching in the shade." Kyon gave a hearty high-pitched shriek of a laugh that freaked-out Itsuki. Yuki can't get the joke since she, due her superior intellect provided by the Integrated Data Entity, remembered that France currently has one of the best armed forces in the world. Then she remembered about that old movie which inspired her to speak French, _Beau Geste_, about some guy who went to an outfit called the French Foreign Legion.

It was a thrilling romantic movie and then a thought hit Yuki. She announced boldly, "I shall be Tsukasa's Foreign Legoinnaire, her lost soldier. I shall walk with her to the ends of the earth and protect and her honor till my last breath."

That mange to surprise everyone at her declaration. They all gave her odd looks. "What, Yuki? Are you high?" Kyouko said with an acid tone. That caused the rest of the Anti-SOS Brigade to snicker at her. They all walked passed like the jerks they are to catch up with Haruhi.

Now it's time for Itsuki and Kyon. Itsuki looked nervously at Kyon. Itsuki cautiosly approached Kyon from the back. "Um, Kyon... we need to talk."

Kyon turned his head slowly like he was disturb from his breakfast, "What now?" His low way of saying sent shudders down Itsuki's spine.

"Uh..." he began in a shaky voice, "w-what h-h-happened to you back there?"

Suddenly, Kyon felt he just showed off his prized collection of human heads to Okabe without even thinking about it. That incident yesterday just gave them a hint of the truth about him. Should he tell Itsuki now, then kill him or should he tell Itsuki then, and bury him alive? He decided it was better to tell now and let live, since Itsuki was telling him stuff behind everyone's back and hasn't squealed him.

Yet.

"Uh, nothing, I was just being in character," Kyon said with a smile.

Infuriated, Itsuki snapped at Kyon like he never snapped before, "WHAT? You were in character? You tried to kill me back there!-"

"Shut up, Itsuki," Kyon snarled, "or I'll kill you for real right now if I want to. Now fill me in whatever crap to get this fic running."

That was enough to get the esper scared back to his wits again. He composed himself and began to tell Kyon about everything yesterday. "Okay, so far, we haven't had any whereabouts of Arakawa but Mikuru was kidnapped and forced to stay in one of their houses. And then-"

"Um, we betted Mikuru yesterday," Kyon corrected.

"Uh, right. Anyway, they always make conspicuous references to murder, torture and all sorts of bloody things."

"Yeah," Kyon conceded, "does rape count?"

Then Itsuki's eyes dilated in fear as he remembered the time he spent in the clinic yesterday, oh that horrible time when he was lying in that bed with that pedophile doctor Irie looming above him, not knowing that about his true intention until he insisted in taking... his temperature. Oh the horror of seeing his face, oh that moment he felt his hands and ass thermometer. He started to shake uncontrollably, sweated as he recalled about him having a 'lollipop' in his pants.

"Hey, Itsuki," the cynic asked, "you wanna continue or not?"

Back in reality, Itsuki went on, "Also, I suspect that the villagers are really hiding something concerning Arakawa and Frank Cotton."

"Yeah, no kidding, some patients at the clinic were talking him and these townspeople of South Park getting some divine wrath from the village deity, whatever the hell that means. Not to mention that redheaded nutty seems a little suspicious to me."

Then Kunikida noticed about what they were talking about and butted in, "Hey, whatcha talkin' about, guys?"

They both made a quick about-face in shock. Kyon and Itsuki must have an explanation soon or the cat's out of the bag. Then the idea hit him.

"Uh... me and Itsuki are having a homosexual affair," Kyon explained confidently. Itsuki raised an eyebrow and looked at Kyon.

Kunikida couldn't believe his ears. He looked at both for a before he replied, "Did I just hear that?"

"No," Itsuki quickly denied.

"Yes," Kyon refuted. "Now run along, you're way back in line."

Kunikida just nodded, thoroughly confused and walked on with a good WTF look in his face. As soon as he's out of sight, Kyon turned back to Itsuki.

"See," Kyon said proudly, "it's super-effective."

"I didn't think of it that way," Itsuki replied.

"Well, now he's confused, it won't be long that he'll forget about it. Now, back to business, were are we?"

"Uh, okay, we also have some bird camera guy with a French accent and the nurse from the..." Then Itsuki paused, suddenly realizing where he was going.

"What, Itsuki?" Kyon asked.

He replied in a constipated voice, "The nurse... is from the... I-Ir-Irie... CLINIC!" He screamed.

"Wow, you're still traumatized from that near-molestation experience there, huh?" Kyon noted. Itsuki nodded his head vigorously.

Kyon asked, "By the way, what do you think of Rena?"

Itsuki hesitated. He still recalled from his dream that Rena joined in to kill him with Kyon. He finally gulped and said, "I think she may have killed Cotton."

"Really? You should have seen the size of her knife."

"She carried a knife?" Itsuki was shocked.

"Yeah. Seems that the plot thickens, eh?" Kyon noted.

Meanwhile, Kyouko had been just around the corner listening. Then a devious thought had entered her mind, _Itsuki's on a mission? Perfect. I'll mess with him, it'll be a lot of fun_.

"We built a camp outside the village," Haruhi said to Konata as they happily marched ahead of their column.

"Wow, that's great," Konata chirped, skipping alongside the Brigadefuhrer. "Could we stay there?"

"Well, we all take shifts every now and then, some stay here while they rest of us stay at the hotel." In practice, it was often Kyon who did most of the work.

They finally reached Firebase Haruhistan. The entire place was a mess, almost like Woodstock concert took place there. Garbage was strewn around everywhere and there were messed-up netting, and broken branches all around.

"What the hell?..." Haruhi mouth went slack and her eyes wide in bewilderment. The wind blew some of the trash that adorned the camp around, like some dead bushes that roll by in a desert.

"Boy, Haruhi," Konata commented, "this place is a total wreck." That caused Haruhi's eyes to twitch.

Kyouko snickered. "Look's like someone got high last night."

Haruhi turned to Kyon, demanding an answer from him, "Kyon! This place looks like hammered shit."

Kyon crossed his arms and with a proud smile he answered, "Looks don't count for shit in the jungle. This is 'Nam, baby!"

_SMACK!_

"Owww..." Kyon groaned, crawling pathetically with his face in the dirt after that hard blow from Haruhi.

"Come on, guys," Haruhi said. "We've got work to do."

Now that they were finished with repairing the camp, they all entered the sandbag bunker and Haruhi began the briefing, "Okay, now that we all here, our first order of business is to acquaint the newcomers with our job here."

"To solve the mystery murders of the village?" Konata chimed excitedly.

"We'll get to that, but right now, you've got to be familiar with the village." She then turned to Yuki. "Okay, Yuki, tell these novices about this village so far."

Yuki stepped forward and cleared her through, "Ehem. The village of Hinamizawa is a village located in Gifu Prefecture, Japan, population 2000. It is a UN Heritage Site..." Everyone was just dazzled by Yuki's detailed explanation of Hinamizawa. Konata blinked her eyes in surprise as she never thought of anyone smarter than Miyuki. Tsukasa seemed to have her brain short-circuited by the long, fast detail of the alien's monologue. Tsuruya was getting dizzy from the history section.

"... which brings us here to this day. Thank you," Yuki finally concluded and bowed before going back to her place in the bunker.

After minutes of awkward silence, everyone clapped loudly. Yuki never failed to surprise anyone, even her own friends, except maybe the Anti-Brigade.

"You suck, Yuki!" Kyouko hissed. Fujiwara joined in by jeering at the alien. Sasaki's veins popped up from the embarrassment they were garnering her so she gave them two uppercuts.

_BRACK!_

That finally silenced them. Then they continued with business. "Okay, now, let's see what we should do. First of all, we should investigate two homes here that are of special interest."

"Which homes?" Kunikida asked. "The Games Club kids'?"

Annoyed, she replied, "No... not yet." Her voice was low as she recalled how Rena stole Mikuru away from her. However, since it's still business she put that aside and went on. "The two homes of interest would be the Bates Inn and the house of Dr. Hannibal Lecter."

"Bates Inn... Lecter..." Konata mused curiously. She heard about them before. She then latch up to the database called her mind to see if there's anything registering in her otaku archives about them. Ten seconds later, she realized she never heard of them. "Who are they?" she asked Haruhi.

"That's what we're gonna find out," Haruhi chimed. "Also, we need to keep an eye on those kids. Okay, the first team would go to the Bates Inn. That would be Kyon, Itsuki, Yuki, Kyouko, and Tsuruya."

"Yay!" Tsuruya clapped loudly. "I hope he has smoked cheese!"

"Yeah, yeah," Haruhi said with disinterest. "And the second team would be me, Sasaki, Taniguchi, Kuyou, and blond asshole."

Suddenly stung by the insult, Fujiwara snapped, "What! I have a name!"

"Who cares, you're a scumbag." Haruhi shrugged off that.

"Hey, what about us?" Konata said, clearly not being considered for a role in their adventure.

"Oh yeah, since your novices, I think you should latch up with Kunikida and go interview patients at the clinic."

"Thanks, Haruhi," Konata cheerily replied.

"Yeah... thanks for dragging our asses," Kagami added dryly.

"Hey, at least you're not trespassing private property with us," Kyon snarked.

Finally, Haruhi announced the end of the meeting, "Any questions? None? Let's roll out!"

**House-warming party...**

The first team looked at the Bates Inn from the bushes surrounding it. Off all the houses in Hinamizawa, this was the most lonely and frankly the most depressing. The bare trees were always full of roosting crows and the lawn around the inn was overgrown. Hell, even in a sunny day, the Bates Inn always has its own personal gloomy cloud.

"Is she serious?" Kyon asked. "The only thing hidden in that place is dust and old furniture."

"Well, we're gonna find out if Mr. Bates is home," Itsuki said. He then made a gesture for the rest of their gang to come out of hiding. They all converge around the doorway.

Itsuki knocked on the door. Three raps. Nothing. He then rapped three times and called out, "Good morning, Mr. Bates. We're here to ask you a few questions."

"This is getting boring," Kyon deadpanned and pushed Itsuki aside.

"Kyon, I really think you shouldn't-"

Kyon's foot crashed against the door and sent it inward. He then marched inside and proclaimed loudly, "Mr. Bates! Exterminators here!" They rest of the gang fell in. First was Itsuki, who tiptoed in, then Tsuruya and Kyouko skipped into the living room, and finally Yuki who casually went inside.

At the Lecter house, Haruhi managed to to break in by using Kuyou's head as a battering ram. After breaking through the door, they casually threw her aside like a sack of rice.

"This is a home invasion," Sasaki warned. "We could get caught."

"Oh yeah?" Haruhi flaunted once again her disregard for the law. "How could you trust the law now when they didn't solve the disappearance of Frank Cotton?"

"Who the hell is Frank Cotton?" Sasaki asked.

"Oh, he's just some tourist who got lost during the festival last year, duh," Haruhi explained. "Some lady friend of his is paying us to find his corpse."

Sasaki was shocked to hear it. "You mean your latest racket is finding some missing person? For money? Haruhi, how could you be such a weasel?"

Haruhi smiled. "The SOS Brigade needs funds. And I need the fame."

"You're more than a weasel," Sasaki exclaimed, "you're an insensitive, egotistical gold-digging gloryhound."

"Hey, weren't you listening to Yuki? She explained about Frank Cotton being here."

Sasaki answered, "Yuki has overloaded our minds with too much info nonsense so I had to ignore her lest my brain gets splattered all over the walls."

"Okay, why don't you start over there." Haruhi pointed to a liquor cabinet on the wall.

At the Bates Inn, they divided themselves into two groups. Kyon, Itsuki and Yuki searched the rooms upstairs while Kyouko and Tsuruya sniffed around the ground floor. Upstairs, the trio were making a room-to-room sweep, with Kyon crashing through every door and ransacking each room, while Itsuki and Yuki were more methodical.

As they sifted through the mess created by Kyon, Itsuki found a magazine called the _The Hip Psycho_. It was last month's issue and it was about how to kill your victims in style, what's the best alibi when the police pay you a visit, and exclusive interviews from serial killers on the run. Kyon called the others, "Hey guys, I got something."

Yuki and Itsuki walked in. He tossed the magazine to them. "Well look at here..." Itsuki muttered. Itsuki was mildly disturbed by the magazine, which treats a heinous act as if it was a new fashion trend.

Yuki took the magazine, flipped every page to analyze it and said. "This magazine is a horrible perversion of freedom of speech, dedicated to the glorification of sadism, murder, and psychosis; the detailing of horrible deeds; and sexual deviancy in the form of S&M. Also has good ads on shoes."

The two boys were dumbstruck. Then Itsuki asked, "Is it a clue?"

"Yes," she replied in monotone. "It has Norman Bates' fingerprints."

"Okay, let's keep it in a plastic bag," Itsuki suggested. As ordered, Yuki produced a paper bag, two disposable rubber gloves and tweezers. She put the magazine inside the bag. Then she proceeded to take out from her pocket, all the gear of a Crime Scene Investigator, much to the amazement of the boys, who blinked their eyes several times to know that their not dreaming.

Downstairs, Tsuruya was trashing the kitchen as a bored Kyouko, searching for smoked cheese. "I gotta find some smoked cheese," she said deliriously. "I need my nourishment." Looking haggard with bleary eyes, she broke open the cupboards, assaulted the pantry and checked the refrigerators.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing!

"This is insane!" she cried. She turned to Kyouko. "Help me find some smoked cheese!"

"Why are you so worked over a hunk of cheese?" she deadpanned.

Tsuruya grabbed her and shook her vigorously. "Smoke cheese is my favorite food! If I don't have it, I'll go outta my mind."

"Okay! Okay already!" the female esper frantically. Tsuruya elt go of her grip. Kyouko wiped the spittle sprayed from the cheese-lover's mouth in disgust. She suggested angrily, "If you're looking for some cheese, everything upstairs is made of that stuff."

Then Tsuruya was stunned by her words. Upstairs. Of course. That's where, she thought, Bates was keeping the cheese. It was like a revelation meant only for her. The obviousness took like a full minute to set in so Tsuruya can soak up the data, weight, feel it, tough it... taste it. An entire second story made of smoked cheese.

She was stiff as a statue, all while some haunting conspicuous acapella music was sung, with the moaning of rising and lowering voices.

Tsuruya's statue-like trance beffudled Kyouko. She doesn't know whether to laugh or have the green-haired cheese eater sent to the happy farm. As she was about to wave her hand in front of her to see if she's still there...

Tsuruya spoke. "It's upstairs..." Some drool slipped out of her gaping mouth... then...

"Smoked cheese!" She cried and zoomed upstairs in a cloud of dusts. Kyouko, being the mischievous little trollop that she is, texted a message to Kuyou.

While Kuyou was searching under the bed in Lecter's bedroom, something inside her body chimed. She regurgitated her cellphone and saw a message from Kyouko. It asked her to go outside and meet at the yard of the Bates Inn. She replied to comply, swallowed the cellphone again and jumped out the window.

"Kuyou," called out Taniguchi, "where are you?" He checked the bedroom to see no one in there. "Huh? Where could that freak be?" he said in bewilderment.

The trio upstairs where now inside the bathroom. Itsuki was photographing the scene, Kyon dusting for prints and Itsuki doing some DNA analysis in some blood stain. "It seemed that that Bates was attacked while trying to attack his victim..." Itsuki theorized when a sudden rumbling sound shake them out of their wits. They quickly rushed outside to see Tsuruya ripping out the walls and shoving them into her mouth, crunching them as fast as her teeth and jaw muscles can work them, which is VERY FAST.

"SMOCHI!" She growled. "I WANT MY SMOCHI!" The fact that she was ranting with a full mouth made it all the more horrible.

"Tsuruya, stop!" screamed a horrified Itsuki. "You're destroying the evidence!" Tsuruya ignored him as she clawed through furniture and rip everything apart with her bare hands with strength which could only be described as monstrous, already she was foaming at the mouth and her eyes were bloodshot, chips of wood flying out of said mouth as she stuffed all sorts of things in it.

"Shit! Duck!" Kyon shouted as he and Yuki doved down the floor to dodge a flying chair. Yuki pulled out a tazer and fired at Tsuruya - at the butt.

That sent a paralyzing shock through her body. She fell down on the face, with her ass pointed upward. Yuki and Kyon raced to restrain the cheese eater as the shock won't last for long.

After some struggling and grappling, they finally tied her up securely and dragged her down back downstairs. Itsuki could only stare at the mess Tsuruya created ten seconds earlier in surprise. _What the hell happened to her?_ he thought. It suddenly dawned to him about the lore of this village. _Oyashiro-sama... why am I thinking of him right now...?_

Itsuki's codec blared into his ears. "_Hello-hello, London calling, London calling..._" The esper nearly flipped his pants when he received.

"Kyon, Yuki, come over here," Itsuki called out.

"What now," the cynic complained. "We''ve just finished tying up Tsuruya."

"I've got a message from HQ," Itsuki replied, "it could be important." Normally, Itsuki should not compromise normal security measures by bringing in someone to listen to a message, but since he trusted Kyon and Yuki, it's okay. He took the phone out of his ear and put on speaker.

The codec repeated again, "_Hello-hello, London calling, London calling..._"

"Allo allo, this Itsuki, come in, London, over," he replied. London was the code word for the Agency headquarters, used when Itsuki was not speaking to either Gendo or Shepherd directly.

"Hello-hello, London calling, London calling." Up in the trees, Kyouko stopped transmitting and turned to Kuyou, perched up with a large radio set. She said proudly to the knockoff alien, "I have them. I can now jam the Agency's transmitter and broadcast myself."

From the speakers, Itsuki replied, "_This is Itsuki, come in, London._"

"Hello Itsuki," she replied, "we wish to give you a field promotion."

Both looked at each other with surprise, speechless. Itsuki was getting a promotion. "Wow? That was good news," Kyon commented.

Itsuki was visibly confused. "What?"

"I said we wish to give you a field promotion, you idiot," Kyouko snapped back. She then added, "By the way, we also request all the names of Agency operatives and assets operating in Mexico." That caused her and Kuyou to snicker.

Itsuki said, "_I'm sorry, I don't have the names of all Agency operatives in Mexico plotting to overthrow the current government._"

"_Where is your operative Arakawa?_" the codec dispatcher, obviously Kuyou, asked.

"In this village," Itsuki replied.

"_Where in this village?_"

"We don't know yet," Yuki deadpanned. Horrified by Yuki blurted such sensitive information in the air, Itsuki snatched back the codec away from Yuki. She then said, "The dispatcher is asking a lot of questions."

Kyon said, "Give it to me," and took the codec from Itsuki's hands. He then spoke, "Are you sure you are in London?"

"Of course," Kyouko said reassuringly, thinking they meant the _real_ London. "I am in Piccadilly Circus." She turned to Kuyou. "Kuyou, the effects."

Kuyou obliged by synthesizing her voice. Although her voice was as charming as a gas horn, her main advantage lies synthesizing any sound on earth. She changed her voice to flocks of pigeons flying around, and cooing, "Prrruuu, prrruuu..." Then she changed her voice to that of a sports commentator with John Cleese's voice, "Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the I27th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off' in a moment so let me just identify for you..." Then she changed to the theme of Mr. Bean, choir and bells.

Seeing that the charade was enough, she said to Kuyou, "Okay, Kuyou, that's enough, you're overdoing it." Kuyou was too engrossed in the choir song to listen to her partner in crime. Pissed, she snapped, "Knock it off, you dumbass alien!" and knocked her with her fist.

Bad move. Kuyou was thrown back and nearly falling off, flapping her arms to keep balance, but the her heavy hair was tipping her over the branches. She called out in fear in a voice that horrified the world, "_Kyouko_! I'm_falling_off_the_tree_!" She then let out scream of an electrified foghorn. And she dropped to the ground with a loud thud.

Itsuki was shocked to know that he was talking to Kyouko and Kuyou the whole time! "Kyouko! It's Kyouko, she had us had! Quick we've got to get out of here!" They frantically packed up all the evidence they gathered and high-tailed off. Along the way, they almost forget an increasingly crazed Tsuruya, who rushed back and dragged her with the chair.

At the Lecter house the second group made unexpectedly big progress. While the others were busy searching the house, Fujiwara was gonna help himself some good brandy from the liquor cabinet, who brought it to Lecter's study. He then fished out a glass and poured some of the brandy elegantly. He then sat down and made believe that he was the master of the house. "Drinking brandy like a sir," he said in exaggerated upper-crust tone. He then sat back and was about to sip his glass when...

"What the hell-" His seat reclined all the way to the bottom and the bookshelves suddenly split up outward with a loud groaning noise. He quickly got off and gawked at the massive maw hidden by the bookshelves. "This is some crazy shit..." he muttered in disbelief. He then called the others, "Hey guys, I found something!"

Everyone rushed over to the room. "What is it, Fujiwara?" Sasaki asked.

Fujiwara pointed to the hidden passage revealed by the bookshelves. Haruhi gaze out a wide grin of satisfaction. "Hey, you're not such an asshole after all. I shall promote you to bleachhead wanker. You take point."

Fujiwara stood still for a while, clearly Haruhi seems to be taking a liking of making him miserable. Before he joined in, he poured himself a glass and drank it straight. He began his descent to the unknown.

Taniguchi as he followed in the spiral steps with the others, he spotted a book before his feet. Upon picking it up, he was astounded to see what it was. It was _Kama Sutra_! "Wow, looks like my luck's holding up." He confidently pocketed the book and went inside the hidden chamber.

"This is a real mystery trope!" Haruhi said giddily.

"What kind of guy is this Hannibal Lecter?" Sasaki deadpanned. "Some horror/mystery movie aficiando? Looking at this place reminds me how cliched this trip is?"

"Elementary, my dear Sasaki," Haruhi invoked Sherlock Holmes. "On the count that your idea of fun is boring and your own circle of friends are a bunch of losers."

Sasaku blurted, "And you are a sugar-hyped three year-old with cerebral palsy who drinks Kool-Aid mixed with cocaine."

Haruhi was stung by Sasaki's cutting remark. "What the hell did you just called me?" She lunged at the other goddess and before you know it, it was a full-blown catfight.

"You bitch!"

"Screw you, Haruhi!"

Seeing an opportunity, decided to step in. "Now-now, ladies," he said in a smokey voice. "We still have a case to-"

A stray foot caught Taniguchi in the groin. He knelt down on the floor but that wasn't a good idea, which meant he slipped downward and his forward momentum sent him into the girls, all three tumbling down.

Fujiwara was wondering what all the racket was about when he was hit hard by a mass of humanity. Now all four crashed into an unknown room. Haruhi moaned after the struggle with Sasaki.

Rubbing her head, she found herself in a dimly-lit room. She looked around to see a heap made out of Taniguchi, Sasaki, Fujiwara and Taniguchi - whose face happened to be lying down on the other goddess' butt.

As soon as her eyes got used to the dim light, they bulged in wonder like she was in a candy shop.

"Jackpot!" she cried and jumped with joy.

Her comrades where still nursing bruised limbs and aching heads when they finally saw the room. Their faces were full of awe as they surveyed the place.

It was a fusion of kitchen, laboratory, wine cellar, and morgue. It had tile walls and alongside the modern kitchen appliances were hideous-looking devices who's function they could only guest at. Among of them was a dentist's chair with tools that look like perversions of a surgeon's tools. Another was a large refrigerator with a combination lock.

"Where the hell are we?" Sasaki asked, suddenly feeling a chill in her bones.

"I don't know..." Taniguchi said. "But why does it feel like it's Silent Hill?"

"More like Bioshock," Fujiwara commented.

Haruh excitedly ran around the the room like it's playground while the rest of her friends looked over there shoulders to see that nothings watching them from the shadows. Taniguchi picked up a scrap of paper. It was a recipe for a dish.

"Hmmm..." the playboy hummed. "'Liver with fava beans.'" He examined the paper further "'... to obtain liver... kidnap one healthy twenty-one year-old male...'" He paled as he read on. Sweating, he crumpled the paper and whistled a cheery tune, trying to mask his fear.

"Hey guys, help me open this up," Haruhi called out as she tried to pry open the refrigerator with a crowbar.

"Umm... Haruhi," Sasaki reminded her. "I think you need to unlock it to open it."

Haruhi was dumbfounded, considering she was too excited to notice the lock. "Really?"

"Yeah, you need to turn the combination knob to open it," Sasaki pointed out.

"Oh," she said. Then an idea came out. "I know! Let's get Yuki." She threw the crowbar away and marched back to the staircase.

"Hey Haruhi," Sasaki taunted as she followed. "Kuyou can do a better job than your Yuki..."

That left the two boys. Taniguchi and Fujiwara looked at each other for a while. Then the playboy said to the bastard, "Hell no, not here, don't even think about it." He hurriedly caught up with Haruhi.

Fujiwara was puzzled. "What? I was just gonna offer you some brandy."

**Crying old man, hidden chibi...**

It has been a very sad for Old Man Kimiyoshi, which was an understatement. He was now practically crying over the corpse of Lance Bass; he dressed in drag as fullest expression of his sorrow. He was dressed in a black mourning dress, complete with a black hat and veil. Spread in front of him on his dinner table was the remains of the gayfish Lance Bass, who he had been chopped, breaded, and fried with smoked cheese flavor. The fish stick remains were flanked with candles and in front of the old man were framed photos of him and the fish, recalling the good times they had together. But the centerpiece of it all was the part that he not dare cook...

The head.

He sniffled, "I'm sorry, Lance! It was all my fault! I should have protected you! Huh-huh-huh!" He broke into a rain of tears while alternately eating pieces of fish sticks. And why was he mourning the death of his fish friend and at the same time, butcher his body further, cook it into fish sticks? Because with a hunky body like Lance Bass, why put it all to waste? Yumm, yumm.

"Why must the beautiful thing in the world be taken away from me?" he wailed, as his tears slid down his face and salted the fish sticks. It wasn't just fair...

As he sorrowfully ate another bite of fish stick. As he recalled of the events last night that led to Lance's demise. First where the chibis and their varmints breaking in to stole his precious golden hoard of smoked cheese. Then something hit him as he looked back at the photos.

"I'm gonna kill those varmints!" he bellowed angrily. He sat up and thought of something. "They must pay... for killing the most precious thing in the world..."

Then he let out a diabolic laugh.

Thunder and lightning boomed outside his window as he thought of his plans to avenge his beloved scaly lover.

Then he took another stick...

AND ATE IT!

He then ran outside to his tool shed but tripped thanks to his high-heels.

**At the school...**

With the exception of Kunikida and the LS girls, they all meet together at the road leading to the school. So far, everything was disappointing. "We do have some evidence pointing to Bates and Lecter engaging in unsavory pursuits," Itsuki explained, "but we still have nothing that pins them to Frank, or some of the murders, or even anything linking them to Sonozaki family."

Haruhi suddenly turned dark. "We're gonna get some more answers," Haruhi said slowly. "At the school."

Taniguchi gulped. "Isn't it where we had our asses handed down by those kids?"

Sasaki giggled. "Isn't it where Kyon went mad and started hosing everybody?"

Haruhi snapped at her counterpart, "Just be quiet or I'll break you in half." Sasaki winced. For once she found Haruhi terrifying.

"Haruhi," Yuki Nagato said. "You will jeopardize this investigation by your confrontational manner of dealing with the locals. Already you have manage to induce a low level of hostility from the villagers."

"Yuki's right," Itsuki joined in, "we can't expect any sort of cooperation from the villagers if we continue to rattle the saber. We need to be more diplomatic in dealing with them."

"I don't want diplomacy..." Haruhi said in a low voice. "I'm gonna get Mikuru back from those savages." She then stomped towards the school. Everyone else just followed lest something bad happens.

Then Itsuki realized one thing. _Suddenly I realized... two of us are missing. Kyouko and Kuyou. What are they up to now?_

Inside, it was just another day at school for the children at the village. Everyone was having the lesson of the day, biology. Chie was discussing about how plants reproduce. Rena asked Mikuru if she liked their town.

"Yes, I do, Rena," Mikuru, dressed as the same uniform as Rena, cheerily replied. "This place is beautiful. All those rumors do no justice to this place."

"That's why Rena loves this place so much," Rena chimed. "And I wish that should be together forever."

"How do you like our hospitality?" Mion proudly asked.

"Better than the SOS Brigade clubroom," Mikuru answered happily. "No more bunny costumes, no tea-making apparatus, and best of all, no more jerkass tsundere genki bitches."

"You can thank Shion for that," Mion explained. "Our town never has any tsunderes. Just yanderes, lolies, perverts, and yangires."

"What?"

"Never mind that, Mikuru," Keiichi joined, hungrily looking at Mikuru. "So it seems that I just happen to be vacant today? Will you join me for a cup of afternoon tea?"

"No, I don't think so," the moe politely refused.

"Hey, I got an idea," Satoshi chimed, "maybe we should have another punishment game with Keiichi. This time, with a bunny suit."

"What?" Keiichi exclaimed in horror. "No!" He still remembered what's it like to loose in a punishment game. They made him dress up in the most outlandish outfights to humiliate when he looses. Once they made dress up like Barbara Streisand. And everyone in the village confused him with the popular 70's icon; he even received a box of chocolates from Old Man Kimiyoshi at his doorstep. That sent him shudders down his spine.

Everyone else chuckled deviously, clearly having fun with the thought of Keiichi dressed like a Playboy Bunny. He felt his day can't get any worse since the tourists and SOS Brigade had arrived.

"Hey," Rika suggested, "how about both Keiichi-kun and Satoshi-kun wear bunny outfits? It'll be a lot of fun." That earned a lot of lecherous laughter from the girls in the room, Chie included as she stop her lesson to pevertly fantasize a bunny suit-wearing Satoshi.

Satoshi's face went pale with horror as he imagined not _how_ pretty he would look like in it but what happens if Shion sees him in that get-up, especially with Keiichi.

Rika comforted him, "Don't worry, Satoshi. If Shion sees you with Keiichi in bunny suits, Keiichi will end up getting ventilated by her."

Just as they were they were enjoying themselves, there were several loud knocks on the door.

Chie called out, "Come in."

The door was slammed inward. In a dramatic fashion from a Western, the vistors entered. First to come in was Haruhi Suzumiya, Fuhrer of the SOS Brigade, then came her yes man, Itsuki, followed by Yuki, the Rei Ayanami knockoff with a penchant for H-games, and then Kyon, the normal dude, who has been anything but normal lately. Then came the Anti-SOS Brigade, who were now down to two. And then came Tsuruya, her so-called best friend, and the pervert Taniguchi.

Mikuru was frightened to see her former slave-master to come in but Rena gripped her hand tightly to give the moe strength while she stared hard at her.

Chie was genuinely astounded to see a group of high-school students from the city. "Good morning, may I help you?" she said politely.

Haruhi was gonna make a bombastic announcement if it wasn't for Itsuki who pulled her out of the way. Haruhi whispered harshly to him, "What the hell are you doing? You're spoiling my moment."

"I think I should handle this lest we get into another sticky situation," Itsuki explained.

"Yeah?" She was skeptical. "Like how you couldn't convince them that I didn't abuse Mikuru?"

While the two were busy whispering to each other, Mion whispered to the others, "There's that Haruhi again and she's still pursuing this Frank Cotton nonsense. If anyone asks you any questions at all, we didn't know anyone named Frank Cotton and we definitely did not see anyone fitting his description on the night of the festival." They all nodded.

After much deliberation, Itsuki called, "Everyone, could I have your attention, please?" Haruhi fumed in the background as she watched Rena gave her a friendly and winked. She then whispered something to Mikuru and the two redheads chuckled. Haruhi's eyes twitched at that.

"For those of you who did not know, we are the SOS Brigade, minus the brunette, the blond, green-haired lady and the sleazy conman." The aforementioned flustered at the mention. He continued, "We have come here from North High to investigate the disappearance of a tourist." That left murmurs all around the classroom. "I believe that we have met your Games Club." At that mention the eyes of the other pupils turned to members of the Games Club, heightening the home team's embarrassment.

He then produced a photograph. "I have a photograph here-"

"Excuse me-"

"-which I would like you to pass around amongst yourselves." He gave the photo to the nearest student. "Meanwhile, I'll write his name over there on the blackboard."

Itsuki walked to the blackboard and wrote FRANK COTTON.

Itsuki then asked, "Now, do any of you recognize either the name or the photograph?" The silence was tense, the Games Club nervously eyes each other as well as their interrogators, except for Rena, who was making odd yuri gestures with Mikuru that unnerved Itsuki when in fact they were directed at Haruhi, who was practically seething in rage. Since no one would volunteer an answer, Itsuki asked again, "Anybody?"

Satoko said, "No."

"There's your answer, Mr. Koizumi," Chie said. "If he existed, we would know."

Itsuki eyed the teacher suspiciously. He then asked, "Anyone else?"

Rika said cryptically, "You'll simply never understand the true nature of sacrifice. "

Satoshi, so tense, said, "We didn't know anyone named Frank Cotton and we definitely did not see anyone fitting his description on the night of the festival."

"What?" Itsuki asked, surprised.

Mion scolded Satoshi, "Do you want your guts ripped out, Satoshi, or buried alive?"

Haruhi, finally fed up with chafing with all the action going on, with Rena and Mikuru's vaguely insulting yuri antics, and with Itsuki going to blow it all the way, she blurted, "This is going nowhere!" She then shouted, "We are the SOS Brigade and we are here to solve the disappearance and possible murder of Frank Cotton!" The SOS Brigade member' faces broke into collective shock. She then demanded to Chie, " I'd like to see the register of tourists, please."

"I'm afraid you'll have to ask permission of the Sonozaki Family," Chie explained to Haruhi. Haruhi then saw at the back to see the Games Club making faces at her. The tsundere's composure was strained almost to the breaking point.

Koizumi then asked Keiichi, "Do you mind answering a couple of questions?"

The magician of words replied cheerily, "Not at all. We didn't know any know a Frank Cotton and we definitely did not see anyone fitting his description on the night of the festival."

Mion's mouth gaped wide open and stared at Keiichi and Haruhi had to suppress a snicker as she smiled evilly. Then Keiichi relented, "No! It was someone else. It was Biggus Dickus." The classroom broke into laughter. The laughter turned into something sinister in Itsuki's ears. They were making a mockery of their investigation and it turned into a vision of them laughing as they tortured Arakawa in a dark, torch-lit chamber. Their faces hideously contorted by the dancing flames as his screams mixed with their laughter.

The class stopped laughing and quickly put on their happy faces. Itsuki said shakily, "You're liars. You are despicable little liars!" The class simply smiled with innocent clueless eyes. And then he turned an fiery glare at Rika and said in a low growl, "And you are the biggest liar of all."

Rika, dumbfounded, simply replied, "Nipah~."

Chie asked politely, "Can I do anything for you, Mr. Koizumi?"

Itsuki replied, "I doubt it, seeing you're all raving mad." He then ranted all, "I'm stuck in heathen wilderness of pain, all you children are... insane... All you children are insane!" He began to scream like a mad man, frightening Haruhi as she saw the esper break down.

While he hollered around, much to the embarrassment of the expanded SOS Brigade and the delight of the class, Chie ordered, "Mion, your stun gun, please." Mion tossed the gun to Chie's hands. Then she turned it on and jabbed it into his groin.

Itsuki erupted into sparks and lit up like a Christmas tree, letting out a loud inhuman screech. By the time it was over, Itsuki was stiff as a candycane, frozen in his expression of electrified torment, his hair up in spikes and he looked like he was covered in soot.

After a few minutes of shock and awkwardness, Haruhi finally chuckled with embarrassment, "Um, excuse me, we should get going." The SOS Brigade filed out of the room, with Haruhi dragging a petrified, smoking Itsuki by the ankle, his body loudly scraping the floor.

As soon as the last of the invaders walking out of the classroom closed the door, the entire classroom erupted into uproarious cheering. Everyone celebrated the eviction of Haruhi and friends. Mikuru hugged Rena tightly. "Thanks for humiliating Suzumiya, Rena."

**More lambs to the slaughter...**

Rena blushed cutely. "Rena will do anything for Mikuru to stay with us forever and ever."

Satoko and Satoshi's prick uncle Teppei was walking along, thinking how best to settle a score with the two brats. "I'm gonna *bleep* em up so bad that they'll *bleep*-ing bricks for a week. I'll teach that little c*bleep* for weaseling me out and that *bleep* brother of hers I'll-"

"What's the matter, pal?" Said a man with close-cropped hair, wearing a Boy Scout uniform.

"Who the *bleep* are you?" Teppei said. "Some kind of f*bleep*t?"

"I ain't know faggot," retorted the over-sized Boy Scout. "I'm Mr. Grazier."

"What the hell is that get-up of yours?" Teppei demanded "Isn't Halloween a little too far away?"

"I got no quarrel with you, boy," Grazier blurted back. "I used to be the scout master of South Park's Troop 69. That was until some boys there busted me for pedophilia and sent up river. I'm now released on good behavior."

Teppei realized this guy isn't any different than he is except that he's a donut puncher with little kids. He asked him, "What brings you here?"

"I heard that the entire town went on a tour to this gook village called Hinam-whatever-the-fuck-they-pronounced-it."

"Hey, that's where I'm going," Teppei said astounded. "I'm gonna settle a score with my *bleep*-ing niece and nephew."

"Hey, look's like we could help each other out," Mr. Grazier said. "I'm also known as Mr. Slippyfist."

The two shook hands. "Glad to meet you, Mr. Slippyfist."

Then a woman came alongside them. "Excuse me, sirs. I couldn't help but eavesdrop on your conversation."

"Who the hell are you?" they angrily demanded in unison.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman in a syrupy sweet voice. "I failed to introduce myself. I'm Julia Cotton. I just happened to be here in a trip and I think I could help."

"How?" Mr. Grazier asked in puzzlement.

"I know a place. Just follow me," she replied. The two abusive guys looked at each other, puzzled, before following Julia's lead. They eventually came to an old storehouse in a remote part of town.

"What the hell is this place?" Mr. Grazier asked.

Teppei explained. "This is the Furude Saiguden. Supposedly off-limits to everyone but Furude family. Anyone who does would be cursed, what bull*bleep*."

She opened the door and led them in. They're now inside the shed that contained all sorts of instruments of torture used by the village for centuries. It was dark, dusty and smelled musty... and bloody.

"I'm sorry if I couldn't set this place up for a more formal invitation," Julia apologized. "But I'm sure that this venue would suit our purposes."

"Anything to get on with it," Teppei growled rudely.

Pissed that this fat, old bull would shout at her like some Mexican, Julia kept calm. She also held out some glasses and a bottle of wine. "I hope you two are thirsty. I've got some chilled chardonnay."

She poured two glasses and they graciously accepted them. "I'll have to go and see if anyone's around," she said and went out.

"Hey," Teppei said. "She's not bad." They both drunk their glasses and they realized something's really wrong.

"What the hell..." Teppei said "Why the hell do I feel a little... slow."

Mr. Grazier's reaction was different. As Teppei wandered around the storehouse, Mr. Grazier slowly approached him from behind... cautiously... his hand formed up into a fist...

And...

The storehouse echoed with harsh screaming, prompting Julia to cock her had back to it. She then ran back and opened the door and to her satisfaction, she saw Teppei, pants down, pinned to the floor by Mr. Grazier, who was brutally sodomizing him with arm.

As Mr. Slippyfist was making Teppei scream like a prison bitch, Julia stealthily approached them with a sledgehammer.

_BOOM! BRACK! PSHWEK!_

After a few intense seconds of bone-crushing, blood-spurting violence, the gorey bodies of the two grown men lay in shambles, mangled beyond recognition.

Satisfied with her bloody work, she smiled. And the shadowy figure of Frank Cotton emerged from the brick-brack.

"Thank you, love," Frank said creepily as he bent over to feed. But it was still far from over. Julia needed to find another group of souls to dupe. When he was finished he said, "Better. Much better. I'd like some clothes. And maybe a cigarette."

"How about a kiss first?" Julia cooed.

"With pleasure," Frank said. Julia the MILF, kissed the walking, bloody skinned corpse of Frank Cotton, now in fuller, richer color on his way to regain his human appearance.

**A/N: This the thirteenth chapter of Kyon! Do Everything! Sorry for the French jokes. For some who don't know, here are the references. The part where Kyouko screws Itsuko over the radio is a reference to Camp Dance, an episode in the BBC WW2 sitcom _Allo Allo_. In there, the Gestapo attempts to jam a resistance radio turns hilariously wrong. To understand, watch the YouTube vid Herr Flick Jams the Radio. The original Wicker Man reigns once again in the classroom sequence, especially when our heroes try to get the class to tell the truth about Frank Cotton the same way the policeman hero did. Also, the part where Keiichi and Satoshi accidentally and _literally_ repeat Mion's instructions is taken from Corporal Punishment of _Blackadder Goes Forth_, a fourth season in BBC sitcom Blackadder, starring Rowan Atkinson. To understand this one watch Blackadder Goes Forth - Shooting Speckled Jim. Teppei is a Higurashi character while Mr. Grazier aka Slippyfist is from Cripple Fight. The part where Itsuki's calls the Higurashi kids insane is a reference to the lyrics of The End by The Doors, which was played in the introduction of _Apocalypse Now_.**


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